#94
Oh, the story your eyes can tell
They take me away. Whisk me away from this agony. You are who I want. But, it seems like that's a line or use for everyone. Ya know I wonder, if you read all the entries about her would you look at me the same? If you could understand my insanity. Is this real? Do you feel the same way that I do? Probably not....I've no clue what you think...But, Right now, you are the one that I'm looking at. staring into those mesmerizing eyes, the color I can't describe, is it blue? Green? A mixture? I can't pin it down. But, it's beautiful, almost as if everything I wanted or cared to see was implanted in your lens long before we met. I swear the universe must've been reincarnated within your pupil.......Description, it's always been my greatest asset, my go to when it came to writing, but, my mind stops when I try to describe your eyes. As if my mind can't bring itself to run the risk of making a mistake. Or as if my mind is scared that it will never be able to do the pure divinity of your eyes justice. I get lost in them, And I'm fine with it, I'm fine with loosing myself deep in the patterns of those enthralling irises. You may simply see it as a game, or just a simple stare down. but, to me, I see pages, I see fantastic tales of wonder and amazement. This, this is their power, so few people could do this. I gravitate completely towards eyes as special as yours. The rush fuels me, ignites my passion yet again. I give a name, a title sort of speak to things of this nature, things that reinvigorate my mind and pull me to create, Gio was "the dove and the crow" Audrey was "the knight and the prince" I wonder what I'd give this book. This story. A story consisting of you and I, I wonder what roles we'll play. This is my insanity, i know it's weird. We've just started talking, and my mind already sees you in such a light. But, This is the power of your eyes, they open my eyes again, they release my mind, they unlock my captive soul. In them I see the calmest flame, it burns gently and its ashes fall effortlessly, The universe unfolds, a new story begins....For me, the love between the prince and his night becomes obsolete. The pain of the dove and the crow is a memory. This What your eyes do, this is the power they have over me. I stare and begin to create, create like I used too, universe after universe. Characters, names, plots and twists. I look and I can write yet again. And write I will. Thanks to your eyes. But, I am no longer writing of my own accord, for these now are not my fables. I write based off of your eyes. Oh, the stories your eyes can tell.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,757 Literary Works • 672,710 Reviews
Hey there! It is Katrina here for a quick review!
The first thing that I would like to say is that I really enjoyed this poem. I found it to be very beautiful. I bet that your girlfriend felt extremely special after reading this.
On to the review! Now, one thing that I would like to suggest is adding paragraphs or stanzas, as I believe that it would possibly be easier to follow and understand. I think that the piece could be better organized, though the meaning of it, and the words themselves, were very nice.
There were a couple grammatical errors that you may want to fix. For example,
"within your pupil.......Description,". For this phrase, I would say that perhaps you should minimize the dots to only three. Another error that I found was "but, to me, I see pages, I see fantastic tales of wonder and amazement." Make sure to capitalize the beginning of your sentences! There were a another sentence that you forgot to capitalize, it was: "staring into those mesmerizing eyes, the color I can't describe, is it blue?"
One more type of error that I found was capitalizing in the middle of sentences. The sentences that this took place in were:
"I get lost in them, And I'm fine with it, I'm fine with loosing myself deep in the patterns of those enthralling irises."
This What your eyes do, this is the power they have over me."
Besides that, there were a few more grammar errors here or there, though the poem was very meaningful. I loved this poem, and I hope that after quickly editing it, the poem will be even better!
Best of wishes,
Your friend Kat
Beautiful and magnificent poem!
Reading it for the first time this piece seems too rambling. Instead of writing it in one long paragraph you could split each topic into a paragraph.
For the first paragraph you mention how she takes you away but you dont explore this in depth. You could probably delete it. Then you mention her eyes and you do explore it in more depth ... and expand on why her eyes 'must've been reincarnated within [her] pupil.' When you say 'my mind stops when I try to describe your eyes,' I imagine you feel you can't think because you feel vulnerable, self conscious? I think this can be expanded and emphasised because it is a dominant, major feeling, and write what you wrote in the last third about how powerful her eyes are from 'in them I see the calmest flame...'
The second paragraph could be about how to want to write about how you want to create a story of 'you and I.' This too can be expanded.
In the future I think you need to proofread your work. Perhaps if you had proofread it then I think it would be so much better. It is promising that you are conscious of your feelings and you want to write about them, but to be a better writer you definitely need to edit again and again! I use to be a rambling writer and my teachers use to nag me for years to use paragraphs and punctuation because I would get carried away in my feelings.
Thank you for your critique. But, that's exactly the point. It's not so much rambling. I didn't write this in the explanation, but, for about a year and a half now I've had a journal where I wrote all of my thoughts and feelings. The idea that my mind is wrapped and twisted, and usually can't get a grasp on any one concept shows through. This is how she makes me feel. It's not for going "im depth" it's for the feelings I had in the moment of writing. That's why if you read sight it was flushed out and on one theme, loosing the ideals of fitting in to gain an understanding of the world around us. While this one is just a piece about a set of thoughts I had. That's what all of my # pieces will be, raw emotion and thought, rather than polished pieces.