"My angels had to die" JSR Poetry
"Angels were sent to their execution,
Demons were empowered,
It's how it had to be,
To set me free from loving you,
For the purity of love to be burnt to ashes,
I poured the gasoline and light the match,
As my angels screamed, my demons roared,
I felt the discord, and was forced to choose a side,
When you left me alone it was clear,
Heaven had no place for me at this time,
Hell is the only option you left me to burn alive,
My adrenaline and rage, my anger and hurt,
The demons found it all and fuel it to their content
For now I'm their vessel, and letting them lead the way,
Because I know no other way through hell,
Than to indulge the devils and the demons,
For if I cry and cling to love they'll taunt pulling at my heart,
They know how hopeless love is when it's unrequited,
Because they were angels once themselves,
They know how to justify the very wrongs that got them here,
But they know not how to love again,
To touch on purity when you are made of darkness,
It hurts and churns and distorts your disfigurement,
It's painful but such a pure change love can create,
Yet the time it takes to return to the demonic state is no shorter,
no longer, It's parallel worlds that occasionally clash and twist,
They distort into one another,
And that's where you can find yourself slipping,
In a moment you are lost in a world you don't want to be in,
In a place you cry not to be, in an ocean void of love,
Lost in a sea of darkness, the starless night,
Void of light, except the burning flames that lick at your skin,
Burning flames like snake tongues, they are finding their way,
To the holes created to find their prey,
They burn so strong, As soon as they latch on,
All of a sudden all I can see is flames and darkness devouring me,
But through it I do see,
I see all the hurt you left for me,
I see all the hurt before,
I see everything burning and crashing,
Hitting the floor,
Hell itself also breaks apart,
And I walk through the darkness, being consumed to create light,
I'm feeding them as much as I can of anger,
Of anything just to get me through,
Till I found my way out of hell,
To rest upon the other side, I know I'm not in heaven,
But at least I can rest, this weary soul is so tired,
Burned alive, I'm uninspired, but unable to die,
I'm to endure, give me but a moment to cry,
To mourn, for I killed my angels, just to endure,
They were what was burning inside me,
Just to see the light and make it out of hells grief full journey
Let me lie with what's left, let me lie upon the ashes,
That remind me of a love now gone,
And pain I couldn't tame, let me die here,
If I am to never love again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there! It's been quite a long time I've written a review but I'm thinking to write one for you! So, here you go-
The poetry was very fascinating, once I started reading, I was so into it that I read it out loud. First, I would like talking about the positives points. You've got a vivid imagination. I LOVED how you proceeded with the poem from a rather different outlook and you didn't let it be boring, not for a second! And, that-is applaudable indeed.
But, few things I would very much like to suggest you.
(1) All the capitalisation. You've started every line by capitalising the words-which isn't technically incorrect but many poets would suggest you not to do this because it's not really necessary. You could read this for further knowledge!
(2) The punctuations. You've separated your lines, by that-I mean, every of your lines with commas! That's boring! And, it's like the flood of commas! O_O I don't ever mean to offend you but try using various punctuations! It'll not just make your work more acceptable but perfect too!
(3) There were few very tiny errors I found in your work. Like,
That reminds there.
Also, few sentence structures. In this line, "I see all the hurt you left for me" I don't feel the word "Hurt" really goes with it.. Try using "Pain/Grief" etc.
And, "But they know not how to love again" I think you could rewrite it like this-
"They know how not to fall in love again/ They don't know how to love again." I don't know, the choice is yours!
All in all, it was a great work, no doubt! I genuinely enjoyed it. Now, my favorite lines-
Brilliantly written! ^3^ Have a great day!!
~Nire
Hey! I hope my review is somewhat helpful and apologies in advance to its shortness~
Let's jump in:
I notice a lot of commas which can make this hard and confusing to read. I would recommend going in and putting better punctuation and grammar.
I can tell that this is a very emotional poem which is something I love in poetry. I would like to see more imagery but that's just me personally.
Anyway that's all I got. I hope this was helpful and never stop writing!
Rachel
Hello Tigerlilly here for a review!
To begin, I just want to let you know that this is a very emotional poem and it's very intriguing. The biggest problem I have with it is that you have only commas to separate your lines, and this makes it harder to read. I think it would help a ton if you used a variety of punctuation.
Another thing I would like to point out- just a small thing, really- but in this line:
"Because I know no other way through hell,"
you should capitalize the word "Hell" because you are referring to the place rather than the slang term.
Other than that, this poem was amazing and I really enjoyed it! Keep writing, and have a nice day!
greetings,
SilentInsanity here...Pleased to make your acquaintance my Dear...Now before I begin actin like a full blown critique. Please, don't let my observations of judgment discourage you and your writing. This is to only to help in the long run. Now, let this journey begin...
As I was reading this peace, I captured a simple thing that bugged me...Where are the periods and other punctuation marks? All I seemed to find was commas that separated each sentence. There needs to be more than just commas. There needs to be a VARIETY of punctuation if you want to be successful. Show the anger with a exclamation point (!) or the sadness and discomfort with a ellipsis (...), do something instead of just comma, comma, comma.
The structure was very hard to read, for future reference...you should always break up each paragraph. Like when you end a paragraph, you should always hit enter at least twice before beginning to write your new one. It makes it more easier to follow and read. Because I lost my place a few times. It just makes it more clean I suppose.