z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Earth Descended: 1.02

by Ventomology


For some inexplicable reason, as Ming and Petro draw closer and closer to the spiky black trees at the edge of the forest, Ming feels an odd and unusual need to analyze Petro’s face. It isn’t the usual kind, either, where she has to know that he feels safe with whatever nonsense they’re up to, or when she has to know when he’s hungry and thirsty and tired because he never ever complains. She just wants to look and memorize, so she does.

In the orange light of sunrise, Petro’s skin seems darker than it is. His copious freckles disappear into the light, and his mousy brown hair turns into orange fire. He walks with the same confident caution that his father has, and locks his sharp, angular jaw in the same tense, stoic frown. He has his father’s thick hair and thick eyebrows, but his mother’s rounded eyes and thin, pointy nose, which casts a long, dark shadow across his cheek.

He stares straight ahead, unyielding, though Ming knows Petro is terrified.

“You’ll be okay,” she reassures. She knows better than to tell him not to worry. “You know how to set up camp and hunt, even without me.”

“I’m not worried,” he says, but his voice quivers, so he obviously is.

They walk along a jagged dirt path that skirts around the edges of the farming plots. Most of the fields are brown, but a few plots still burst with a late-growing strain of tall, golden wheat. Scraggly green potato plants dot another plot nearby, their shriveling leaves a sign that they’ll be harvested soon. Near the edges of the farming ring, small, stout orchards rustle in the breeze, their branches heavy with fruit.

The path bends around a late patch of cabbage, and further up, it disappears into the dark of the forest. Ming tugs on her backpack straps and frowns.

“Seriously Petro,” she says, her voice sterner this time, “You’re just as capable as me. Yeah, sure, this is supposed to be our big coming-of-age expedition, but we’ve been out a million times already. It’ll be a walk in the park.”

Petro gives her a long, hard stare, and then breaks into a tentative, close-lipped smile. “Where does that phrase even come from?”

“Ha!” Ming snorts and picks up the pace. It’ll be better to get Petro into the forest while they’re busy chatting about silly nonsense. “Every time I ask Grandmother, she gets all weepy eyed and starts babbling about the good old days and walking her dog. I asked her if she meant the anglerdogs, and she said no, they were just dogs.”

“Antho’s bees,” Petro swears. “Your grandmother is crazy.”

“And where does that come from?” Ming continues. She flings her arms out, exaggerating her confusion. Yes, she’s curious, but right now, the discussion is for Petro’s sake. “Who the heck is Antho? Why do they have bees?”

In his low, contained way, Petro laughs, and Ming mentally pats herself on the back. She grins, smug and self-satisfied, and keeps going. “You don’t think it’s related to that birds and bees phrase your dad uses every time he tries to bring up how children get born?”

“Oh gods,” Petro mumbles. His face flushes, and if he notices his feet crossing into the shadows, it doesn’t show. “He’s so embarrassing.”

Several steps into the long shadow cast by the newly risen sun, the trees begin. They grow like a tidal wave, dark and tall and dense, their black-brown trunks twisting and unravelling into heavy clouds of needles and branches. As the path transitions from hard, packed earth to spongy, dark dirt, the sound of Ming and Petro’s footsteps slides from rhythmic clopping to light, squishy noise.

Ming keeps track of their direction as they walk. The path winds and squeezes through the thick forest flora, and the black canopy overhead blocks so much sun that Ming is only vaguely certain that they’re still headed east. She keeps up a constant stream of chatter, pointing out mushrooms and game tracks and particularly charming patches of ferns, doing her best to keep Petro out of his head and block out the ominous rustling of the trees around them.

When at last the forest breaks into a bright, flowering meadow, Ming sighs in relief. Her throat itches with overuse, and she can’t think of anything interesting to say. Now, with the morning sun beating down upon them and a clear line of sight in some directions, Petro will calm down enough to give Ming a moment to think.

The meadow stretches out like a cat. Its edge is sinuous and lazy, curving in and out with broad, easy strokes, and the trees on the west side glow a healthy green under the sunlight. Red and violet flower petals peek out from between the thick grasses, and glittering black marshes simmer several paces away from the path. As Ming leads Petro into the meadow, she notices great teal dragonflies darting to and fro, soaking up the lingering heat of summer.

They are near the fork in the path. It breaks in the meadow, where travellers can see the sun and know their direction, and as Ming and Petro near it, she hears the squelch of Petro’s footsteps grow heavier. His breath quickens. Ming glances over her shoulder at him and offers a smile.

“It’s only a few days,” she says, keeping her voice cheery. “We’ll be back together in no time at all.”

“I know.”

Then, before Ming can give Petro a warning, they round a bend in the path, and the grasses part to reveal the fork. From here in the meadow, neither branch looks very different from the other. They both meander through the grass and reenter the forest soon after. They both have soft dirt and carry the sounds of a quiet breeze and burbling marsh. There is no sign stuck into the ground, and no indication that either path is different from the other.

Ming looks to Petro and tries to smile, but he only hunches in on himself, hoisting his pack higher onto his back.

“Here we are,” he says glumly.

“Yep.” Ming pops the ‘p’ and puffs out her cheeks, not sure what to do next. “A hug for the road?”

Petro opens his arms, and Ming wraps herself around his torso. His hands clasp her shoulders, and his nose tucks into the awkward strand of hair that always falls in front of her ears.

“I’ll see you soon,” he whispers. His voice trembles, and his muscles tighten under Ming’s hands.

She pulls away and beams. “I’ll see you soon!”

And then they turn away from each other. Ming walks south to the lighthouse, Petro heads north to the clearing of undead fish, and neither of them looks back.


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Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:02 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey!! This has been in the green room much too long and it's time we ended that. I apologize that I haven't read the previous installment, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole :)

I really like your voice! You have a really smooth, effortless way about your writing that was very pleasant to read. Even without having read the first portion of this story, I had no difficulty feeling part of the story and feeling like I'm with these two characters on their path.

I thought you did a really nice job of weaving the description in and showing the relationship between the two main characters. I was clear how much they cared for one another and all the emotions they were feeling as they got ready to separate from one another. I'm sure the first scene explained why they need to separate (but if for some reason that wasn't already established, that'd be good to know here) :)

One TINY little detail I wanted to mention in case you find other instances of this throughout:

“I’m not worried,” he says, but his voice quivers, so he obviously is.

You don't need "so he obviously is". His voice quivering shows us he's nervous, so you don't need to tell us too :)

I also really appreciated that we're on the second scene, and this feels like a catalyst for the story going forward. I obviously don't fully know because I don't have the whole story in front of me, but this feels like a really important moment for the characters. Even if they're not separated for long, based on how you set them up in this scene, the fact that they now have to do something without the other is clearly significant and I'm assuming at the very least it will lead to some fun character development. So I appreciated that you're getting the reader right into the story and we're not wasting time with info-dumps or pointless conversations.

I see the next segment is also in the green room so I'll hop on over to that. But let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Ventomology says...


Hey! Thanks so much for reviewing this! Fair warning ng: I stopped posting chapters a few weeks ago, because there were a few weeks during LMS where I was floundering, but hopefully I'll get around to editing and posting them soon.



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Mon Oct 07, 2019 3:12 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Vent! I thought I'd drop in and check out your LMS, after you left such a lovely review on mine. I've read the first chapter so I'm up to date.

Small Comments

For some inexplicable reason, as Ming and Petro draw closer and closer to the spiky black trees at the edge of the forest, Ming feels an odd and unusual need to analyze Petro’s face. It isn’t the usual kind, either,


You get a bit repetitive in this opening paragraph. Once you've established that Ming is looking at him for an 'inexplicable' reason, you don't need to say that the need is odd or unusual, nor say that it isn't a 'usual' need. Just 'Ming feels a need to analyse Petro's face' would be fine. You could probably keep 'It isn't the usual kind' providing you get rid of the 'odd and unusual' bit, but I don't think it's essential.

He stares straight ahead, unyielding, though Ming knows Petro is terrified.


I'd substitute 'Petro' with 'he', seeing as you've referred to him via a pronoun earlier in the sentence. Otherwise it seems like 'he' and 'Petro' are referring to different people, almost.

“Seriously Petro,” she says, her voice sterner this time, “You’re just as capable as me. Yeah, sure, this is supposed to be our big coming-of-age expedition, but we’ve been out a million times already. It’ll be a walk in the park.”


This felt a little on the nose. Seeing as both Ming and Petro already know about the expedition and what it means, it felt like she was saying it more for my benefit than his. It's not terrible, but it stuck out as obvious exposition, and I think you could make it more subtle. Ming could still say that they've been out a million times already, and perhaps it could be Petro who says something like 'this time's different, though, isn't it?' I think that'd give us enough sense that this was a bigger event than normal while feeling more organic.

The meadow stretches out like a cat. Its edge is sinuous and lazy, curving in and out with broad, easy strokes, and the trees on the west side glow a healthy green under the sunlight. Red and violet flower petals peek out from between the thick grasses, and glittering black marshes simmer several paces away from the path. As Ming leads Petro into the meadow, she notices great teal dragonflies darting to and fro, soaking up the lingering heat of summer.


I utterly love this description. You've got an amazing knack for making the landscape feel lived-in and animated, rather than describing it like a static photo or painting the way some writers would.

Overall Thoughts

I enjoyed the first chapter, but this one felt much more settled and easy to follow. I think it's because you had less characters to juggle. It was really nice seeing Ming and Petro chat to each other. The dynamic between them - one bold, one shy - is nothing particularly new, but it's nicely handled and it feels real. You capture that aimless, casual banter that all good friends have - I loved when they started talking about Antho's bees and the origin of the 'walk in the park' idiom. They're great foils to one another, and seeing how Ming gently tried to put Petro at ease tells us a lot about her character.

Your description is also lovely. The setting was a bit sparse in the previous chapter, but you more than make up for it here, evoking this lovely, hazy, end-of-summer countryside that's always such a joy to read about. You do, perhaps, go a little overboard on the description at times, which links into probably my only criticism of this segment: the pacing is a bit too slow. I like that we get a quiet, drawn-out moment to see Ming and Petro interact, but I think they could've got to the fork in the road a bit more quickly, especially as the second half of this piece is mostly just description. Also, considering that this is the second instalment, fairly little has happened so far. Enough to interest me, obviously - but time is never really on your side in a first chapter.

But that's about my only gripe. Tighten up the pacing, pare back a bit of the description (when it's all so lovely, you can afford to be choosy about which bits you include). Your characters are great so far, and you're holding back on enough plot information that I'm not overwhelmed, but I am interested. Keep doing what you're doing!

Keep writing!
~Pan




Ventomology says...


Yeah, I'm a but worried that I'll fall into the same trap as last LMS, where the travel time to get from point a to point b really bogs things down, and so I definitely have been pulling out all the percy-shelley-romantic-narration stops on this... Fair warning, things don't really pick up until the chapter I'm writing this week.



Panikos says...


No worries! I'm enjoying it as is!




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning