the Girl with the Rainbow smile

Dear all, thank you for your comments, I didn't spend much time on this, I guess they're more lyrics than poetry because I did hum them when I wrote them, so that's where the childish blues/soft rock feeling comes in. I was going for a sort of Beatles style lyric I guess

I should point out that I haven't read Ranger's review so this is probably going to seem repetetive, sorry!

Velvet.whispers wrote:She is the girl with the rainbow smile,
And as she lies,
Inside she dies,
And when she cries,
She sais bye-byes. #FF0000 ">Sais should be 'says'#008040 ">And bye-byes seems quite childish, i think you will want to alter it.

She is the girl with the rainbow smile,
For #FF0000 ">And when the sun shines through the rain,
Don't worry dear we shall meet again.
Now sit and laugh in pain,
But careful don't let it stain.

I am the girl with that rainbow smile,
And when I'm not okay,
I lock my heart away,
Because#FF0000 ">And hereI would have you stay,
I need you every day.

You loved that girl with her rainbow smile,
For I think I understand,
That you must leave the land, #FF0000 ">you need to stop inserting things simply so they rhyme. Think about what you want to say here and rephrase it
But please just hold my hand,
To help me stand.#FF0000 ">I don't think the syllable count is quite right on this line - it seems too short.

You'll leave a girl with no rainbow smile,
Don't please don't dare, #FF0000 ">I would rearrange this to something like please don't, don't you dare
Don't say that I don't care,
We were that specially fitted pair,
Oh no #FF0000 ">Please no,it isn't fair.

When you leave that girl, she'll give you her rainbow smile,
And I won't say a thing,
So fly, follow the bee's#FF0000 ">swallow's wing, #FF0000 ">swallow was just an example, I don't see why you have used bee as we normally associated wings with birds.
But if you choose a bee that doesn't sting, #FF0000 ">Oh! Oka now I see the bee reference. Maybe you could change this so it doesn't have anything to do with bees? it just causes unessecary confusion
Then you'll always be my rainbow smiled king.

Hi Velvet

Well, I can guarentee this might come off as a tad harsh, but I'll try the best I can.

I think the rhyme scheme is too forced. This poem is sweet and I enjoy the message, but it could be much better if it didn't have such a strict rhyme. It also sounds a bit juvenile because you use somewhat simplistic language to make it rhyme. See, sometimes poems can actually sound better if they don't rhyme, because it doesn't give you as much of a forced rhythm.

And as she lies,
Inside she dies,
And when she cries,
She#FF0000 "> says bye-byes.

She is the girl with the rainbow smile,
And as she lies,
Inside she dies,
And when she cries,
She #BF0000 ">says bye-byes. #BF0000 ">(I think you should change this to "good-byes". It'd sound a lot more mature.)

She is the girl with the rainbow smile#BF0000 ">(.)
For when the sun shines through the rain, #BF0000 ">(Having the "for" makes it sound like an incomplete sentence by the time you reach the second line.)
Don't worry dear we shall meet again.
Now sit and laugh in pain,
But careful#BF0000 ">(,) don't let it stain.

I am the girl with that rainbow smile,
And when I'm not okay,
I lock my heart away,
Because I would have you stay, #BF0000 ">("Because I would have you stay"? I don't understand this line.)
I need you every day.

You loved that girl with her rainbow smile,
For I think I understand,
That you must leave the land, #BF0000 ">(^^^This three lines here don't seem to sound right put together like this.)
But please just hold my hand,
To help me stand. #BF0000 ">(There doesn't seem to be enough meaning in the words. It sounds almost like an attempt at getting through the rhyme. "land, hand, stand")

You'll leave a girl with no rainbow smile#BF0000 ">(.)
Don't please#BF0000 ">(,) don't dare,
Don't say that I don't care#BF0000 ">(.)
We were that specially fitted pair,
Oh no it isn't fair.

When you leave that girl, she'll give you her rainbow smile,
And I won't say a thing#BF0000 ">(.)
So fly, follow the bee's wing#BF0000 ">(.)
But if you choose a bee that doesn't sting,
Then you'll always be my rainbow smiled king.