Young Writers Society

Hey!!!
Okay so this was great! I'm going to quickly run through a couple of nitpicks first and get them out of the way, they're all tiny things, and then I'll get to talking about what I loved about this!
So, here goes:

on a boat, at McAlpine Lake

on McAlpine Lake??

Caroline, the person who always acted like your friend

Caroline was the person who always acted like your friend...?

believe for a second that Caroline and Maggie have ever been her friend.

Caroline and Maggie could have ever been her friends.

Dorothy caught by surprise panicked

Dorothy was caught by surprise....

felt as if her air supply was as low as the tide as it wanes out to the sea.

waned ... just make sure to keep it all past tense

Well, that is at least what her so-called friends knew. Because, the rest of the city was told that Dorothy ran away.

... so-called friends knew, because the rest of the city was told that Dorothy ran away.

Anways now that's out of the way, I loved this!!! You have such an interesting start here! The premise of the curse has worked really well, and I can't wait to see what you plan on doing with this. I like how the character of Dorothy seemed to be a seemingly nice narrating character, like she seemed to have good intentions, but then you flipped that on its head when she cursed Caroline's family. Honestly I loved it!
Let me know when you post the next chapters! I'd love to read them!

Hey! Sky here for a review. These are all suggestions, only listen to me if you would like

This is a really great, creepy story. I just have a couple different things to point out.

Suggestions first:

Revenge. Exactly what Dorothy Sullivan thought before she breathed her last breath.

I would reword to "Revenge was the last thing that crossed Dorothy Sullivan's mind as she took her last breath.

The only way to knock Dorothy out of her place was by getting rid of her, Caroline foolishly thought. Only eleven minutes later, did Caroline push her over the boat.

I would put the "Caroline foolishly thought" in the beginning and then continue with the sentence, no comma needed. Also, no comma in the next sentence.

Dorothy caught by surprise panicked, which only made everything worse. Worse, because she forgot to breathe.

This all just sounds a bit odd. Maybe write "Dorothy was caught by surprise which only made the situation worse." Then show don't tell, I explain that more father down in the review.

Well, that is at least what her so-called friends knew. Because, the rest of the city was told that Dorothy ran away.

I don't think you need the first part, but it was good to inform the audience of what happened to be realistic.

Where McAlpine Lake was located.

Another unneeded phrase since we already know where it is.

Overall complaints:

1. Show, don't tell. Trust me, I hate hearing those words too. But for example, when you said "She just panicked. She was flailing her arms and legs." Obviously she was panicking, because you don't just start flailing like that in the water without reason. You can take out the part where you say she is panicked and show it instead. Maybe talk about the lack of air the character feels. That isn't the only part you did it in, but make sure not to just tell.

2. Your punctuation. After your sentences, always put a period, exclamation point, or a question mark to signify the end. Also, with your quotations you need punctuation before the last one. If you need help with that just let me know.

3. Small note, I only saw this problem once but I'll still say it here. Watch your spacing. " CAROLINE, so help me you will pay for this" Here, you put a space before Caroline. Just fix that one small typo, not a big deal.

4. Grammar. Your grammar sometimes needs a little work, so instead of pointing the couple of mistakes out, I'll just tell you that you need to fix some of your commas. Again, if you need more clarification, just let me know. I'm happy to help.

Alright, that's all I have to say. I hope this is helpful, and keep on writing!

~Sky

Hello, steam1244, I'm dropping by for a review for your prologue!

First impressions: The idea you presented here was really intriguing, and I can kind of sense a supernatural revenge plot. It also left me with some questions: Why did Dorothy's friends murder her? What is going to happen to her friends' descendants? There was also a chunk of telling in the story, but I usually don't mind it because it's a prologue.

The prologue was rather choppy in my opinion. There are a couple of fragments here that don't really suit here, especially in the last paragraph. Maybe that's your style and maybe I have different tastes, but the it wasn't so effective. And the added bit about Adeline Fisher wasn't so important for me. You could establish it in the later chapters with the same amount of effect.

Dorothy's dying scene was okay. It could do with a little more oomph!. Your purpose is to establish Dorothy's dying wish, and I feel as if it could be done better. And it was odd that Dorothy woke up in the middle of the lake? Or she did create her dying wish when she was about to hit her head? That could do with a little more clarity. You don't have to go into the details of how suffocated she was feeling, but if you wanted to show the scene, some more setting could help.

I'm sorry this review was rather negative. Your theme and idea are really intriguing, like I said, before, and this prologue was a strong introduction to the plot. Still, it could be expanded slightly, could flow better. Keep writing and I hope you have a great day!

Addition:
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I checked your prologue out, and I think there was some improvement. Still, it was quite rushed and like skylnn said above, lots of telling. And in the beginning, instead of "lost", try writing, "You will pay for this". I think it packs a bigger punch and introduces the plot. So overall, the prologue still needs more work but I'm confident this will turn out to be an exciting story!

P.S: If you happen to rewrite the prologue, I'm afraid I cannot help you with this anymore because I've already read this twice. So my reviews won't help too much after this.