"Mr. Ross would like to see you in his office, Mr. Adkins."
I closed my laptop, and turned to face Mrs. Boughman. This happened about once or twice a month. Where I was called into my boss's office. I rose to my feet, and made my way to Mr. Ross' office. Before I left my room, I went over to the mirror. I looked into it and my first thought was I looked like crap. Last night, had been a late night at the office. I left the office around 12 at night, and arrived at home at 1 am. My chestnut color hair was a mess, it had a strange resemblance to a bird's nest. I splashed icy cold water on my face and fixed my hair.
I left my room and entered a white hallway. The only thing in the hallway was a poster telling everyone to work their best. I made my way to the end of the hallway, where Mr. Ross' office was located. I knocked on Mr. Ross' door to his office. The door was dull, a light shade of gray. A perfect match to this man's personality. I heard a slight click, which let me know to come inside.
"Mr. Richard, please sit down." I looked at the chair in front of his newly polished desk and sat down. Mr. Ross was sure acting different- different in a bad way. He never acted serious with me, it was always laughing and talking like best of buds. But, this time he talked to me like we never knew each other and was ready to have me escorted out of his work place.
"Ok." I said, unsure of what to say. As if saying the wrong things would put me out of business.
"Do you remember the job you did, about a week ago? December 7th, I think it was."
The way Mr. Ross said that made me feel the same way I felt before I got a scolding from my grandpa.
"Yeah, why?" I replied, eager to know if my pictures were okay .
"I've noticed that four pictures we need for the magazine are gone!" Mr. Ross said that in a harsh tone, he looked like one of those really angry cartoon characters ready to burst.
I looked at the window, unable to face Mr. Ross. I noticed today was particularly gloomy, not just the mood in the office, but everywhere. The sun was hidden behind cotton balls and the sky was the color of gray everyone dreaded. It made me feel even worse, because I was correct. A scolding was coming my way. I scolded myself for forgetting to take those pictures. Do you know the feeling when you forget to study for a test? Dumbfounded is the feeling, you know shocked. Well, that is exactly how I felt.
"So, I need you to head back to Amory, and get those pictures of Adeline. Or you can forget your job here, how does that sound?" Mr. Ross said that like he already had the papers made, and ready to sent to the unemployment center. All he had to do was sign them, and they would be off; like my job! I probably looked like the person out of Paranormal Activity 4, who just found out there was a ghost in the house. I was shocked about how quickly Mr. Ross was ready to get rid of me. One of his best workers just gone, no way was I letting that happen!
"I will return to Amory and get those pictures, sir." I said quick enough, so he wouldn't snatch my job from underneath me.
"Good, I expect full potential coming from you, Richard."
I sighed in relief as my job stayed firmly placed underneath me. It looks like I will be heading back to Amory. Whenever I thought of the place, my mind went straight to something out of Supernatural. I don't know why but whenever I go there, I get the strange feeling something is trying to grab at my soul. I feel as the sweet town of Amory, is actually as dark as the night sky.
I got up from my seat, my legs trembling beneath me. I finally made my way to the door. As I put my hand on the copper-colored door knob Mr. Ross' voice stopped me dead in my path.
"Oh, before I forget. You will leave tomorrow to head to the airport. Your flight leaves at 6 am, don't be late."
Great, just great. I will be in Amory, Mississippi on Friday the thirteenth, at midnight. Could anything worse happen to me right now, probably. After this, I know one thing for sure, I am never heading back to Amory.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
This is a rewritten version of the first chapter.
Hello,
Let's get to it, shall we?
Overall: Try creating your world through the eyes of your characters, especially considering you are writing in first person - your character needs to set the mood, the atmosphere, and the way it does, makes or breaks the story.
The whole chapter seems jerky, if I can put it that way. You end your sentence, phrases way to short. It's necessary sometimes, yes, but not throughout the whole chapter. Widen your characters vision, feelings, put them into phrases, knit them into a solid weave that can hold the story.
If you do this: "I felt [this] when walking towards the office. I finally made it to the door. I know that something is amiss. I turn to face the man." you don't allow a pleasant flow to the story. Look at your story as you might look at a song - if it's "tak.tak.tak.tak.tak." throughout, it's not very pleasant.
On the same tone, describe more. Build your character through his interactions, through his words and the way he says them, through what he notices, the things he picks up during conversations with others.
Now, piece by piece:
Consider rephrasing here. As it is now, it's telling me that closing your laptop and facing Mrs. Boughman happened once or twice a month.
He didn't leave the room yet. He didn't make his way to Mr.Ross' office.
This part right here - Appearance. Last night. Last night. Appearance.
I'd recommend you describe the appearance first - all of it. Looking like crap, maybe some dark circles around his eyes, disheveled hair. Then proceed by explain what happened, what made him end up looking like hell. Avoid directing your attention back and forth between several things.
Usually, I'd say, you can tell more of a man's personality by his office and the things in it, not by his office door.
Explain, from the character's point of view, how grave this shift is. What does it imply? Has your character seen this shift before? If yes, when?
Losing your job is quite a hard blow and judging from how your character reacts afterwards, he still wants it. Making a comparison to something else in this situation seems like shoody work. Try describing it other than presenting an already formed image.
Other points:
- The dialogue - seems off. I'd rather see Richard be more articulate when threathen with his job.
- Describe more, keep comparison with other tv shows, books, etc. (i.e. Paranormal Activity, Supernatural) at a minimum.
As a whole, it's a good start, but it needs a lot more work. A first chapter should be or at least try to draw in the reader.
Keep your pen on the paper!
Sharkcat out!
@PrincessInk I was wondering what you meant about the tense switching?
Your tense is changing from past to present is what I mean. One blatantly obvious example is this, "I walked down the street. I enter the supermarket." Something like that.
Hello.
For some nitpicks, you have a couple of run-on sentences here. And tense switching. I'm not exactly fond of tense switching. It's confusing and frequently annoying unless there's a good reason to change tenses, such as "I still do so-and-so" The tense switching occurs in the last paragraph and the sentences "It looks like I will be...as dark as the night sky".
Are you sure,
this is necessary? This seems like telling a bit.
I also feel as though the chapter is slightly bare-bones. There isn't enough detail here. I would have liked to know a little more about the atmosphere, their reactions. The problem here is that there isn't enough showing. So my advice to you: add more detail here. This chapter is slightly too short for my liking because of this.
I didn't particularly connect with Richard either. I somehow feel disconnected from the characters. I think this is partly because of the lack of detail so I can't really jump straight in the story. But reading this, I'm reminded so much about the prologue you wrote and Amory, so the plot is pulling the main character toward Dorothy's death scene.
This chapter needs a LOT of work here. Sorry this review was so negative but I hope I can help you. Happy writing!
Thanks for the review! I was just trying to get it out there. I needed to because my friend, who is trying to help write the book couldn't see it. So, she is going to take a look at it and right more details and elaborate on to it.
Still in editing. Please help me, by telling me what needs to be fixed.