Where did I Come from, Where Will I Go
Hey, I’m Randy, Randy Richards, and I teleport through time. Let me give you a backstory. I was born on the 2nd of August to an unmarried woman named Rowena, old-timey right? She had a brother and two sisters, but she fought with one of her sisters, so all I know about that woman is that she has two kids. The other one’s husband died of cancer and her son most likely will develop it, very sad. My uncle has two children; his daughter is a year younger than me, so she was my best friend, I’m the eldest of us kids. My life was completely normal until on my seventh birthday I got a gift from my dad, now, I did not know who he was; neither did anyone other than my mom, so it was surprising. Inside that gift were two dogs, I named one Freddie, after the famous singer Freddie Mercury, and the other Jake the Dog, from a cartoon, (I was 7, what did you expect?).
Now let us talk about the teleporting part. The day right before I turned 15, as soon as I woke up, I was not at home. No, I was not on vacation with my family either. I was somewhere completely different. Same body and everything, and I wondered if it was a dream, but then Jake head-butted me out of nowhere, well, that concludes it, I’ve been abducted by aliens, there is no other explanation. Jake ran past me so I followed him, which led me to see a city in ruins, ruins of white marble, beautiful columns and stairs which led up to where I think the walls and roof were, but there was nothing there, just cracks and pieces of marble on the ground. There was a statue in front of me, it looked new but the top of it was broken, cracks went through the remaining torso. There were remains of a fountain nearby, with water still coming out a hole in the ground.
I followed Jake to an old stadium lit up and full of life and joy, he was scratching at a door, I opened and entered, and there it was, my table just like I had left it last night, but there was a piece of paper that was not in my writing, it was clearly written in a hurry, without any dots on the i’s, none of the t’s were crossed, yet it looked beautiful.
“Listen son, for we do not have much time
We gods have been having some problems
You will help us in solving them
Until they end you will be immortal
Do your tasks and you shall be praised forever
Fail and the world shall fail with you
Don’t think you are alone
For in his daughter you will find hope“
Well shit, I thought, “How many tasks are there? Who is ’she’? Do you know anything about it Jake?”, he barked, I turned it over it had something more written on it
YOUR 10 TASKS
I laughed and called on my family. Jake gave me a look of disappointment, I put out a nervous chuckle “Oh no” it was real. I saw the armor and sword laying on the ground it was a later Harpe a sword with a sickle like curve on one side, I remembered it from my greek history class, Perseus presumably used a similar one. There was chainmail armor beside it, I picked it up and put it over my clothes. I saw a sink and a mirror in a corner of the room, I went to clean up myself and saw my face. My blue eyes from my dad (no one on my mother’s side had blue eyes), and tan skin from those hours in the sun, there is some small growths of stubble on my face. I was not having the ideal body of a fighter, little to no muscle mass, only 5 foot 8, but I guess I was the best hope my father had, and I had hope that after one of these tasks, I could meet my father.
I took the sword and went through the door in the room; it led me to a large open area with a few people fighting with their swords, one looked at me and said, “Hey coach, I think that’s him.”
An extremely muscular, I mean the kind of people you see pulling buses, and 7 foot tall guy replied, “You sure, doesn’t look like he is supposed to be ‘the One.’ Does he now?”
“If you mean the one who is here to learn sword fighting after being brought here a day before his 15th birthday, then I am that one,” I said, somewhat angrily, I mean, I was just taken away from my home and now he is making fun of me.
“Hey little guy, no need to be angry, we are all friends here. So I have to train you, well, I would have given your time is short, so I’ll give you a crash course, Gunther come and be my sparring partner.”
Gunther had blonde hair and nearly as much of half of the muscle mass of the big guy. The big guy then said “Oh shit, I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Freyr”
“I’m Randy, Randy Richards, and Freyr as in the Vanir god?” I asked, puzzled, even though my father’s message said that he was a god too
“Yes, the very same Freyr,” I stood there for about an hour looking closely as Freyr and Gunther fought, taking mental notes. I had to show my knowledge by defeating another guy, Leo, which I did with ease.
As soon as I and him were in position, it felt like instincts took over me, as he charged at me, pulled his sword away from me using the small edge that mine had, and then I kicked him in the chest, ouch. Freyr patted my back, nearly breaking my back, and gave me the key to go through the door. I exited into the next room.
A woman was standing there with her bow and quiver, shooting an arrow at a dummy, I put my sword down to pick up the bow on the ground when I felt something between my hand and the bow, and it was an arrow. “Who are you boy?” she shouted.
“I am Randy Richards” I shouted back and an arrow nearly cut my finger off.
“Who told you to shout boy? I am Artemis, sister of that bastard Apollo.”
“I’m gonna assume he went rogue”
“Yes, he did, and father is angry at me for it”
“Not to be rude, but I have other tasks to do, so can you just teach me how to use a bow so I can go back to my family.”
“Yes, yes, come on up here beside me” I went and followed her instructions, but, I sucked, maybe it is like a 50/50 chance that a demigod is good at the bow or with the sword, anyway, after what seemed like hours, I finally was able to kill two targets within ten seconds, not the best, but Lady Artemis said that I should be able to save myself now.
I moved onto the next room, where there was a giant tied up, it was about the height of King Kong feet tall and sleeping standing up, it had fangs and a breath so bad it nearly made me pass out, not to mention, he had too much skin, as in, there was extra skin from the most random places, like its left armpit, the tip of its chin, right knee, I think you get somewhat of a picture. I banged the hilt of my sword on the ground to wake it up, he woke up shouting “Kjúklingur” which meant chicken, I also wondered how I understood what he said, as soon as he saw me, he started charging (also, don’t ask me how I knew he was a he)
I jumped into the air, which was able to help graze his ankles, I ran towards him as he stood there angrier than before, I ran at him, he charged towards me, then I jumped out of his way, which made him crash into the wall, he fell to the ground unconscious, I remembered I was told to slay him, so, I nocked an arrow, and targeted it towards his head, and let it go. The arrow went straight towards him, hitting him the head, and the door did not open, so I went to him looking for keys, trying to find them somewhere in the folds of his clothes, not able to find them.
I heard a voice from behind “Congratulations Randy Richards, slayer of Bússkemmdarvargur, you have proved that you are worthy to complete the tasks given to you, here is your key”, it was the voice of Freyr, I turned around and saw that Artemis was there too.
“I do not usually help males, but, father has told me to give my blessing, so here you go. Randy Richards, I, Lady Artemis goddess of wild animals, the hunt, and vegetation, promise you food wherever you may go”
“I, Freyr, god of the seasons, provide you, Randy Rich--. What?” Artemis stepped on his foot.
“I stopped you from ruining his life. Have you forgotten who his father is?”
“Oh crap, yeah, forget what I said.”
He gave me the keys and both of them put on the worst fake smile I ever saw, I wanted to ask about my father is, but their faces clearly said why is this kid not moving as I stood there in shock staring at everything around me. My body hurt really badly, I think my fingers were bleeding, I whistled loudly and Jake came running out. I patted Jake and said, “Thank you Lady Artemis, Lord Freyr” I bowed because that is what came to my head. It was still day, I asked “Does either of you have a sleeping bag or something?”
“Time will provide you with everything, Randy Richards,” said Freyr, I passed through the door. On the other side, I found myself in a dorm room; my desk was here yet again, but now with a mirror and a hygiene kit, I saw that I was in a school uniform. A note on my table said ‘You and your armor will fit in, wherever you will go’ It was the same handwriting as the prophecy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hi Ve,
). I think your narration is well chosen, especially because it also falls into the category of teen fiction. I felt that while reading you could quickly see what makes Richard tick and that you could quickly determine his character.
Mailice here with a short review!
First of all, a belated welcome to YWS!
That was an exciting introduction you presented here. I like the subject matter you present here and also how the story is developing so far.
You manage to write a good story with a great beginning and also a great introduction of the character (where I really like, by the way, that this one starts with two Rs to achieve that roll.
But I also found that some sentences were a bit too long or seemed unstructured. Either you hurried and didn't read over them, or you forgot the beginning while writing. I would try to create a consistency there, because it sometimes makes the flow of reading stagnate.
Another point where I think you let the flow go down a waterfall is towards the end, where you jump from one section to another too quickly and the transitions seem a bit short. I would try to expand on that a bit so it doesn't feel like Richard is always teleporting back and forth.
Other points I noticed while reading:
This is a single sentence and I think you can create at least four or five shorter ones here. If you tried to say this one out loud, you couldn't even get halfway through without being completely out of breath.
Here's a little mistake after the it; there's a comma missing.
I like the idea of the 10 tasks and from the sound of it, it reads like a great adventure in different eras and mythologies. I also like the idea behind it that it could be borrowed from the tasks of Heracles.
Here the sentence makes little sense because the transitions are not there. I would restructure the sentence a bit.
I'm not sure here, but I think an inch needs to be added after the 8.
I like your description here. In general, it's a great storytelling style that you create here, and the reader can quickly empathise with it.
It was, in summary, a very entertaining story, with some quick transitions, but an otherwise solid story and structure that leaves you wanting more.
Have fun writing!
Mailice.
Hey! Forever Here with a short review!
This was just awesome!
Let's deal with the grammatical mistakes first:
Put a comma after listen
I guess it should be written like:I saw the armor and sword laying on the ground. It was a later Harpe, a sword with a sickle-like curve on one side. I remembered it from my greek history class, Perseus presumably used a similar one.
Is should be are
Was not having should be did not have
It should be a 7-foot
The second line is not clear. So make it a bit more clear. Maybe just remove that I would have given or do something like that.
Put a comma after Gunther
Put a comma after shout
In the head not the head
Does will be do
Over giving grammatical suggestions. Now, let's junp into your story. Well, this seems to be a pretty interesting one. Teleporting through time is really a good idea. I loved how you set a purpose for teleporting through time, i.e., completing some tasks set for you.
This was a pretty good beginning, enough to hook the readers. Getting gift is a pretty good idea of introducing something related to fantasy. Also, I liked the descriptions of different family members and your friend. The dogs' names are also great
This part is a bit vague. Just make it a bit clear.
This chapter has already begun with the character development of Randy Richards. Hope to see more.
Till then, stay safe, stay happy.
Keep it up!
~Forever