I miss her. I really miss her so much.
My girlfriend and I have been together for ten years. She was my best friend and my dearest. She was always beside me. She was my light and my guide.
Whenever I get sad, she gives me a heartwarming hug that takes all of my sadness away. Then she'll tell me that everything will be all right, and that she'll be always beside me, holding my hand during the dark times in my life.
Whenever I get angry, she grips my arms so I can't harm anybody when I lose myself to rage. Then she'll sing me a beautiful lullaby that dissolves all the anger in my heart as I put a new smile on my face.
Whenever I'm happy, she smiles the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life. Just seeing her smiling face makes me forget all the flaws and the imperfections of the world.
I thought I was a very fortunate person because she decided to spend her life with someone me.
But I was wrong.
After ten years of being together, she left me one day for another guy and I didn't know why.
I stared at my empty right hand; she always loved holding my right hand and swing it back and forth like a giddy little girl. A newfound emotion budded deep within my heart, desolation.
Whenever I get sad, I isolate myself from the world. I draw her face and look at it for hours. I get the razor blades from my closet as I attempted to cut myself to death while gazing at her picture. But I couldn't finish the deed. I was afraid. I was afraid that I'll never get to see her again in another life.
Whenever I get angry, the house becomes an awful mess. I restrain myself in my house so that my anger wouldn't have any damage to the outside world. But sometimes when that fails, I end up hurting people. I even sent a little girl to the hospital because I stabbed her eye with a pen. I didn't mean it, and I didn't want to do it. I just can't stop myself even if I wanted to.
Whenever I'm happy… no, I was never happy ever since she left me. Happiness became an unfamiliar stranger to me.
I cleansed myself one night. I picked my favorite clothes from the closet and wore them. I shined my black shoes until every inch of it was glimmering. Then I lay myself to bed and ingested the drugs.
This was my last resort. If I couldn't be with her in this life or in another, then I must journey to a place where fantasies come true and sadness has no meaning: limbo, a place between life and death.
As I felt the drugs crawling through my arms, I've never been so satisfied. Intense pain enveloped my body. Instead of rejecting it, I accepted it, for it's just a little pain compared to what I'm feeling every day without her.
This was it. I felt my conscious faltering. I have no control of my body now. My awareness on the environment started to subside.
Then I was whisked away to an unknown place. As I stood, I saw a familiar silhouette of a woman running towards me, with a cheeky smile on her face. A tear dropped from her eye and I also ran towards her.
"I really missed you, my dearest." I said as she takes me by my right hand.
***
HI! JUST WROTE IT ON A WHIM TODAY. TELL ME HOW YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT THIS :)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Vanilla! Artemis28 here to review your work. Happy Review Day and go Team Tardis!
Congrats on your first work, too.
After the first few sentences, you suddenly switch tenses. It should be "Whenever I got sad, she gave me a heartwarming hug that took all of my sadness away." Since the girlfriend isn't here now, you can't talk about her in the present tense.
"Whenever I get sad, she gives me a heartwarming hug that takes all of my sadness away."
Right here, you're missing a word. You should put "like" between "someone" and "me." It sounds better that way.
"I thought I was a very fortunate person because she decided to spend her life with someone me."
Again, a problem with the tenses. "Attempted" should be "attempt".
"I get the razor blades from my closet as I attempted to cut myself to death while gazing at her picture."
That was beautiful. I liked how you described his death (yes, weird as that sounds) and how his former girlfriend takes him by the right hand, referencing an earlier part of the story. I really liked this. You're very descriptive, and this piece was an extremely good read. Good job and keep writing, Vanilla!
-Artemis28, Team Tardis
Hi VanillaXNight!
I'm here to review, as I saw this piece was posted as an essay and it drew my attention.
Right from the beginning, I noticed that this is a very personal piece. However, I would not classify it as an essay, but as a monologue, as you are just talking about your feelings and thoughts on certain situation. If it were to be an essay, you would have to put a lot of work into the purpose of it, just as if you were writing this as a monologue. I don't believe writers create impartial pieces inspired by nothing, so I have no problem with colliding with pieces that seem to be so heavy when it comes to emotions. Although, I must say I'm scared to review them, but I will give this a try in the most respectful way possible.
I think the main issue with this piece, from my perspective at least, is that it doesn't hook the readers that cannot relate to your characters or are attracted to them. If anything, I think readers are attracted by ideas, so I believe you should work on a more attractive beginning; one where you share the point and purpose for writing the piece in the first place (in a creative way, of course). Is this a story about love? Is it a story about betrayal? Abandonment? I think it is important to give the readers a hint about what you're talking about. While reading your piece, I wondered too many times why was I reading something that I cannot relate to. xD I felt like I was stalking my neighbor's conversation, or reading someone else's diary. So try to make a connection with the reader. That's my suggestion! Think of it as a path; you're making a path as you write to lead the reader... That will help them understand what you're sharing better, and it could also lead them to become more empathetic of the main character's situation.
Keep writing!
-Solvy
Hey! ChocolateCello here! Welcome to the site!
So I'm a little 'reviewed out' with review day just ending and all, but I'll give it a go.
The story in this was really great, full of emotion. You're obviously a talented writer.
Keep an eye on your tense though, you're jumping from past to present quite a bit.
^This is in present tense
^This is in past tense
Every other paragraph or so changes tenses. I used to have a big problem with tenses, it took me a good year or so to work out, and still I struggle occasionally, so don't be hard on yourself if it becomes a challenge to sort out which tense is which. (I'm happy to help if you need more clarification) In a lot of cases, consistent tenses can make or break a story, so keep an eye on that.
A few other minor things...
This might be better as '...towards me, a cheeky smile on her face'
I don't know... this seems a little unrealistic. Hurting people in a fit of blind rage is usually a punch, hit, etc, but taking the time to grab a pen and aim for the little girl's eye seems a bit much.
I really enjoyed this and I hope to see some more work from you soon.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it
. I'm glad you have no problems with my story. I'll keep working on my tenses! Hope to see you reviewing on my other works! 