Published November 7, 2006
"Your grandmother made that quilt for you," said my mother.
Ever since my grandmother passed away, I had collected all of my memories of her. I remembered all the days that I sat on the porch with her, listening to her tell of her childhood in China, roaming with four of her friends. There was no fear of robbers or theives, kidnappers or ticksters. People were friendly and honest. When she was telling her story, she knit the quilt.
Every night, before I went to bed, I held the quilt to my chest and prayed for my grandmother.
Three months later, I learned that we were moving, so I packed up all my possesions. I took especially good care to pack my grandmother's quilt. My box became a little bulgy, but I knew my mom would understand. When we left, I checked in the back of the van to make sure everyhting was there. The van was jam-packed with neat square boxes.
After two more years of living at my new home, my father got a job offer; one he couldn't refuse. When we were moving, we couldn't find a cheap van with a lot of space that went as far as we were travelling, so we had very little space. My mom was helping me decide what to bring. She picked up my grandmother's quilt and said, "Why do you need to bring this?"
I grabbed the quilt back and stuffed it into the box. "It's my grandmother's quilt." I declared, "It means a lot to me."
My mom looked at me, and for a long time neither of us said anything, then, my mom said, "Honey, we left your grandmother's quilt at the old house a long time ago. This isn't your grandmother's quilt."
I guess I'll continue this later.
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...that's an interesting start. We've got what seems to be just a pretty normal family gathering being described here with what appears to be some very normal family activities. The idea it starts off with is intriguing enough to get you hooked immediately but we are starting with some fairly mundane moments here at the beginning.
Oooh I am sensing a bit of a sentimental moment approaching here. I think you have don plenty to establish exactly why that might be happening here. Good joo in that particular moment. I like how that little setup is nicely paying itself off here, although now I'm worried for what that ending might turn out to be here given where this is going.
Well that definitely makes for a powerful ending there. I did not see that coming in the slightest. It appears that we've got a situation where this precious quilt was actually tossed away with this person not even realising it by someone who probably didn't understand its importance in the slightest. Well that certainly makes for a powerful moment there and now I really, really want to find out what happens next. You really build this up very strong to crush it at the last moment here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
First of all, great idea! I really enjoyed the story.
You have a few errors here and there, (have you tried reading it out loud? It helps) but overall it's good. I think, though, it could use a little more detail. For instance, perhaps describe the quilt itself: "My grandmother's quilt was faded and loved, a worn, sky blue with black lining" or whatever you want. Or maybe even describe the grandmother. Just a little something to bring more life and color to the story.
Keep on smiling!
~
I agree with BFG as far as beginnings and endings go. It was meant to be a short story, and it leaves room for imagination. I think that if you built on to the end there, it would ruin the effect. It's sorta like movies. The first one is good, and meant to be left alone, but then they make a number two, and number two stinks. (i.e. The Prince and Me) Sometimes it works, however. (i.e. Shrek and Shrek 2) I really like it, and apart for the little errors, I think it was perfect!
This is very good. Boni_Bee already pointed out any errors I'd found, so I won't repeat that. I like the length, and while the sentences could be revised, words here and there replaced, overall it told the story without being obnoxious. I don't think the ending or the beginning were too abrupt. The beginning was right to plunge straight to the story, as it caught the reader's attention immediately, and let them know that the story would complete its purpose quickly, which it did. Another way of starting it might have been dishonest. The ending was good because you didn't baby the reader or spoon-feed them emotions, but let them take from it all they would have felt in the situation described. Good story, keep revising it. You've got something here.
The ending was too quick. You went on about how the character loved their quilt and how the treasured it and then suddenly the mother says; “Honey, we left your grandmother's quilt at the old house a long time ago. This isn't your grandmother's quilt." I think you need to work on the ending a bit more. But some more drama into it when their mother tells them that it is not their grandmother’s quilt.
It is a pretty unique idea though. Good work. :]
This was a good way to start the story, although it is a bit abrupt.
When did she pass away? How old is this person who is 'speaking'?
Tricksters isn't really the right sort of word... more like impostor or swindler?
Three months since when? - Since this persons' mum told them their grandma made the quilt?
A box became 'bulgy'?
Considering the next sentance, this last one speaking about the moving is too abrupt. Suddenly the focus switches from the quilt to the van. What about 'before we left, I went and checked in the back of our van to make sure everything was there. The van was full of square boxes, packed in neatly.
The semi colon is not what you'd use here. It would be better as ' my father was given a job offer - one he could not refuse'.
The repeated use of 'space' here is a bit irritating. And the first sentance is a ramble. What about - 'When the time came to move, we were unable to find a cheap van that would have enough space for our posessions, as well as being able to take everything as far as we were travelling. So, we could only aquire one that was far less practical.
There is a change of tense here...? 'My mom helped me decide what to bring'?
No need for the full stop after 'it's my grandmother's quilt'
How come you paused, not just your mum? Was it because 'you' were protective of your quilt, or...?
I'd say 'and for a long time neither of us said anything. Then, my mom spoke.'
I like this! It has a short, sweet feel, and you've portrayed it well.
Aww thats really sad, but i really like this, its simple yet effective, well done i hope to see more!