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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Inspired by Conan Grey's song, "People Watching"
Text Version
Couples with sparks in their eyes. Seeing nothing else
but their partner, their everything.
What does that feel like? To love so deeply that if
They left this world, it’d be impossible to get up the next day.
To run into their arms after being apart so long.
I’m surrounded by people in love.
Holding hands, waists— any body part they can reach.
Rings on fingers, kids in strollers, wrinkled smiles after years went by.
I want love. To love and be loved.
To feel those electrified touches in the dark. To kiss and caress
every inch of another person’s body in the dark. To explore
what I’ve only experienced from written words and videos for general entertainment.
When will my time come? Lock eyes with someone and know deep down,
“He’s the one.”
When will I see nothing else but the man I will spend eternity with?
But until then, I will watch through the window.
Hey Valkyria ~ I'm also here for the in-depth poetry review activity and am really really happy to have been assigned your poem!
Let's get to the review!
First Impressions & Interpretations
The poem describes a speaker who is longing for love, kind of the "movie magic" / all consuming / perfect love that they have read about and seen depicted in media but never really experienced - it's an interesting poem because as the reader enters the descriptions I think they become the reader longing for or reminiscing about that sort of love too in some way. You do a great job of describing love beyond just "I want to be in love" - but getting into some of the emotion / energy / actuality of it -> I think the poem could benefit from some of the descriptions of love going beyond the physical a bit more - it seems this poem lingers on that quite a bit; but I think the aspect of dependability / confidence / and having a sense of home with a person are also really important aspects of love beyond the physical things. Just a suggestion for expansion!
Overall, you've managed to capture in very simple but powerful language an aspect of being in love and I think that is pretty commendable (and tricky to do in a non-cliche way!)
Stanza by Stanza
It is so hard to speak about love in a "unique" or non cliched way - > I think the phrase "you are my everything" and "sparks in their eyes" borders a bit on being cliched and maybe could be enhanced into something a tad more original.
For instance maybe instead of "sparks" in their eyes - you could say "fireflies" or "their hearts twinkling in their eyes" or something - not sure! Those are just some ideas!
I think this stanza does a great job of putting the reader inside the action instead of merely describing the action (even in poetry "Show don't Tell" totally applies!) you also use some of these images as symbols of greater truths about love -> rings -> marriage / commitment
kids in strollers -> families growing / passing on love to a new generation
wrinkled smiles -> time passed, but love continues even through aging
I like this stanza a lot!
I like how the period breaks up line 1 here even though it's not grammatically conventional it makes perfect sense in poetry and works as almost a more dramatic final semi-color. The speaker wants "love". [period / serious] and love in the way they want love means "to love and be loved" [period].
I don't really like the repetition of "in the dark" twice in such a short distance.
I think "what I've only experienced from written words" is fine as an explanation for where the speaker is coming from but "videos for general entertainment" felt a little bit in-organic in this poem. Like if you were describing the most juicy wonderful delicious sandwich with all its toppings and delicacies and then put a line like "it has exactly 725 calories" - "videos for general entertainment" pulls the wind out of the poetic-ness for me. If you keep the line in I'd also advise changing "videos" to "movies" as it's a tad more romantic feeling? "videos" makes me wonder if the speaker is referring to "youtube videos" or adult films. but "movies" makes me think more like High School Musical and Gone with the Wind xD
Now this stanza pulls the reader from the scene of love painted earlier into the introspective ponderings of the speaker. The 'conflict' of the poem -> "When will my time come" I think I'd break up the lines a bit differently in this stanza because they seem a bit uneven -> and there's something that doesn't quite flow with "When will my time come? Lock eyes.." Here's how I'd break it up:
When will my time come? When will I
lock eyes with someone and know
deep down, "He's the one." When will I
see nothing except the man I will spend eternity with?
[stanza break, because new thought]
Until then, I promise - I will watch through the window.
^ emphasizes the "When / When / When"
or could break it up:
When will my time come?
When will I lock eyes with someone
and know deep down, "He's the one."
When will I see nothing else except
the man I will spend eternity with?
[stanza break, because new thought]
Until then, I promise him-
I will watch through the window.
^ Emphasizes flow / rhythm and the rhymes between "come/someone/one" and assonance with "with/him/window.
Notice in my suggestion I also played with the closing line a bit -> I think ending on the "But" feels like it's negating what's been said earlier instead of concluding based on what was said earlier. Like the poem is saying ...
A) I want Love.
B) Love looks like This.
C) When will I find Love.
D) Well - I'm just going to keep watching instead of seeking it.
Rather than ...
A) I want Love
B) Love looks like This.
C) When will I find Love.
D) You know what, I'm going to watch and find it!
^ I think changing that final line has the opportunity for the poem to portray hope or meaning rather than defeat - but also it's really whatever you'd like out of the poem! I'd consider what message you're trying to portray and let that help you figure out which direction to take the final stanza.
Overall Final Thoughts
Overall I'm impressed how you took a concept that has certainly been portrayed many times in poetry before and made it personal / your own - it portrays emotion and longing and searching to me - I think you could take it up even another notch with uniqueness by searching out some of the language that is a tad overused and extending the metaphor or going more deeply into your imagery. I think there's also room to explore different aspects of love. And I would very much encourage looking at that final stanza to see how to leave the most impact!
alliyah
Hi Valkyria! It's mint, here with an in-depth poetry review! :3 I can really feel the longing and wondering and emotion in this poem, and I can kind of relate to it as well, never having been in love. XD The questions especially contribute to the sense of both hope and desperation, and I also found the line break choices very interesting-- more on that later!
First off, some of my favorite lines:
I could clearly visualize this line, and it also fits with how love is often described with fire-related metaphors. And it's unique! Nice work.
I like how this line had subtle references to different stages of being in love, with engagement, then kids, then old age :>
Alright, on to specifics!
I'm curious whether you had a plan in mind for when you did line breaks, or if you did it based on the vibes >.> When I read it, it gives me a kind of staccato feeling, since some line breaks aren't at natural pauses like commas. I think it fits well with the wondering nature of the poem, to not have regular line breaks ^^
That is an excellent question. The wording isn't super complex, but I can feel the complex emotions behind it. :]
This line felt a little clunky to me, probably because it's so long. Perhaps the "videos for general entertainment" could be shortened or removed?
This is a solid closing line, but I think it could be even stronger if you tossed in a reference to windows earlier >.> Like maybe at the beginning of the poem? Just a suggestion! XD
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem! Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!!
Thank you for the review <3
Hey there, friend! Ellie, here, stopping by to leave you a review for the fantastic poem of yours! Let's jump right into the review, shall we?
First Impression Of The Poem: Right away, I recognize this poem as your submission from yesterday! I agree, it was absolutely lovely to read, so I'm so glad that you actually published it so that I can spend time giving you more in-depth review. My first impression, is that this poem is about exactly what your title says! It talks about watching other people fall in love, while you desperately crave that affection for yourself. It seems like you were questioning if you will ever be able to be loved by someone, so the poem is filled with a lot of doubt and emotions that you were processing at the same time. I noticed that this poem has some dialogue to, almost like inside thoughts. That was pretty cool! I love the layout of the poem, and I love how some of your lines are longer, while some of them are very short. So my first impressions, was that it was very well organized and written well.
Imagery: This poem was very narrative, in the way that it is a lot of internal reflections, instead of external descriptions. So, there were not a lot of physical images that came into my head, but you do paint this romantic scene very well. For example, in this part:
I can see this very well. It feels like a romance movie, honestly. I can picture these two people deeply in love, holding each other. That's one thing that I really love about this poem. They're not a lot of descriptions of the sky or stars or colors or smells or tastes. But, you use such powerful words that paint such a familiar scene. This is something that a lot of us know, or have seen before, whether in books or movies. Or even in our real lives. Fantastic work with us!
Flow: I like how every stanza starts with a simple phrase. For example, these verses below:
You start with such a simple phrase, "I want love". It's so simple, but combined with the rest of the poem, it becomes extremely powerful. The simplicity seems to reflect your mind, as you have these desires and longings to be held and loved and cared for. I found out the poem, flowed quite well. We go from one thought to the other, but there is still disconnection and common theme, amongst all of the words that you say. Lovely work with that.
Clarity: It was very easy for me to follow along with this poem. I think this is because you included some dialogue, lines, like, for example, when you talk about wanting to be able to look at someone and say "he's the one". I found this poem to be very relatable and simple, which is what kept me engaged. Your formatting and lovely font was also also very pleasant to look at, so it didn't seem overwhelming to read through the entire thing. The simplicity, lovely and heartfelt words kept me engaged the entire time, which also made it very clear and easy to read. Fantastic work!
Emotion: The last thing I wanna touch on is your emotion. I can tell how personal this is, as it felt like a very strong narrative. I can really see how this is inspired from this song, so lovely work! The emotions were powerful. One thing that I loved about this is how you made it so incredibly relatable to everyone who reads it. Because wanting to be loved is such a human and universal experience. You use some specific examples, like wanting to lock eyes with someone and fall in love with them. These small little actions really bring us back to the present and remind me of my own personal memories from my life. Phenomenal work.
Conclusion: Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. You have lovely organization, and I found the emotional impact to be incredibly strong. I hope that you keep on writing, and have a fantastic day!
Your friend,
Ellie
Thanks for your review, Ellie! This poem was very personal for me to write about, so I'm so glad it's being well received!
(Sorry, the last one was supposed to be a review)
Very well done, I can feel the longing through the words. I myself am that person watching through the window so it’s very relatable. Sorry for the short review I have only good things to say. I saw no grammar errors, so that was good.
Keep writing!
God bless
~ Charli