Young Writers Society

Heya Valk!

Hope you're doing well. This is one half of the review prize you were supposed to get a while back for the checklist challenge. It's quite late, and my sincerest apologies for that, but the review is here! <3

Let's get started.

Annabeth lived a normal life. She had wonderful parents and two great friends. Her grades were modest, and she volunteered daily with various non-profit organizations. Yes, her life was relatively normal.

This sort of beginning is used a lot and sort of takes the fun away from the beginning of a chapter that hooks a reader, if that makes sense. And like star said, it's a bit like info-dumping, which is not the best thing to do especially in the beginning of a story - it can get a bit boring for the reader! Although this doesn't have too much info in it, I would still definitely suggest that you spread out this info throughout your chapter (or even your whole book).

Mrs. Watson stood in front of the board, frowning deeply. A few kids snickered.

notgoodnotgoodnotgood >.>

“I was asking you what happens when an electron moves nearer to the nucleus of the atom.”

Mrs. Watson, English please.

Mrs. Watson nodded, evidently disappointed that Annabeth got it right.

This reminds me of a meme xD

“You just need practice,” said Annabeth. She glanced at the dark-skinned girl as she put her math book in her bag. “If it makes you feel better, most of the answers are on Google.”

If Annabelle gets modest grades in school, I would assume she's quite smart as well, so why would she tell her friend to cheat instead of helping out first? Unless she's already done that but Autumn isn't smart enough? xD

They walked toward the entrance.

Entrance to what? >.>

“Some guys were attacked by the Specter Moose this morning,”

Wait so Annabelle and her friends are hunters? [because according to the prologue, this moose is way bigger than most so I'm assuming it's one of the monsters] Or does the world in this story know about monsters and monster hunters, etc? Ah, questions from the readers already :eyes:

“Have a good day, guys,” he said, “and, Mr. Burns, try to make some effort into your homework. You can do it; I know you can.”

The math teacher sounds so much better than the chemistry one xD

“That kid you like?”

Grayson blushed.

awww xD

“His dad’s a journalist, and we saw an ambulance drive by our math class.”

rip

“Everything I’ve read on it before was that people had peaceful encounters with it.”

Then I wonder what happened to the three other people >.> Maybe they were being aggressive or I dunno, trespassing on the moose's land or something like that, which caused the moose to be aggressive? >.>

“It’s still a monster, Annabeth,” said Grayson in exasperation. “It’s not always peaceful.”

hnnng but then why would it be peaceful anyway?

~

Alright, now to some overall commentary: this was a really great start and like Harry said, your worldbuilding (so far) looks pretty good, so hats off to you for that. Your dialogue was really smooth, and nothing seemed to choppy, which is great!

One thing I definitely think you could improve with is the description. Show (make sure not to tell!) us how the surrounding look like, is it cold? Is it hot? Where do they live? And other stuff like, do they know about how the moose looks like? Are there other monsters? Were the people who were injured because of the moose hunters? Does that make sense? c:

That's it for my review! Hope this helped somehow and lemme know if you have any questions about this review. I'm going to give the second part of this chapter a read tomorrow evening as the last part of the checklist challenge prizes. And this story seems pretty interesting, so please tag me when you get the chance to post more! ^^

Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3

~Lib

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back...

First Impression: Well, pretty good going on this first chapter so far, things seem realistic enough, character were pretty normal, the interactions were good, not too much explanation on who they are which I personally prefer so a win for that too. So I suppose I'll just get a little more specific with it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Annabeth lived a normal life. She had wonderful parents and two great friends. Her grades were modest, and she volunteered daily with various non-profit organizations. Yes, her life was relatively normal.

Heh, standard entrance there for the opening line. Little touch of humor there at the end which is always fun. I think its a little bit too standard maybe, as in I would like to see something a bit more catchy here but the next line does make up for that somewhat so its not a big deal.

The monsters were unexpected, though.

I love this line.

Someone jabbed her on the arm, and Annabeth looked up quickly. Autumn put her pencil down and jerked her head toward the front of the room. Mrs. Watson stood in front of the board, frowning deeply. A few kids snickered.

Ahh..this happens far too often in class when monsters get involved in life. Very relatable.

Mrs. Watson sighed in annoyance. “I was asking you what happens when an electron moves nearer to the nucleus of the atom.”

Chemistry...*runs away screaming*

“Oh, right. Uh, the energy decreases,” said Annabeth. Mrs. Watson nodded, evidently disappointed that Annabeth got it right. She opened her mouth, but the bell rang.

And this is all too relatable as well.

“Remember to only do the first ten questions for tonight,” said Mrs. Watson over the noise of the students. “And, Ms. Hawthorne?”

Autumn slung her bag over her shoulders. “Yes?”

“Enough doodling all over your work. Don’t think I can’t see your wrong answers,” she said. Autumn scowled.

Ahhhh...I'm just continuously getting flashbacks to school at this point. When do we get to the monsters.

“I can’t stand her,” said Autumn, leaning against another locker. ‘She knows I suck at chemistry. Besides, I wasn’t doodling on the paper.” She picked her nails.

“You just need practice,” said Annabeth. She glanced at the dark-skinned girl as she put her math book in her bag. “If it makes you feel better, most of the answers are on Google.”

Oh dear...chemistry is definitely one of the worst.

“Hey guys,” said Grayson. “Did you hear the news?” They walked toward the entrance.

“What news?” asked Annabeth.

“Some guys were attacked by the Specter Moose this morning,” he said. “One of them is in the hospital.”

Ooooh the casual way that bit of news was delivered is certainly very interesting, that means this is very common which opens up a world of possibilities. Oh this gets exciting.

They passed their math teacher, who waved to them.

“Have a good day, guys,” he said, “and, Mr. Burns, try to make some effort into your homework. You can do it; I know you can.”

That guy seems nice enough.

“Thanks, Mr. Feldman,” said Grayson, giving him a two-finger salute. They walked outside and unlocked their bikes by the bike stands.

“How do you know about the attack?” asked Autumn. They wheeled their bikes out onto the sidewalk and got on them.

Oooh good question there, I like that.

Grayson blushed. “His dad’s a journalist, and we saw an ambulance drive by our math class.”

Wait that doesn't explain it though. Did either of them call his dad or something? Or did they see the ambulance and magically realize this?

“I didn’t think the Specter Moose was aggressive,” said Annabeth. “Everything I’ve read on it before was that people had peaceful encounters with it.”

Oooh peaceful monsters, I like those.

“It’s still a monster, Annabeth,” said Grayson in exasperation. “It’s not always peaceful.”

Annabeth wasn’t convinced, but Autumn and Grayson were already biking away, so she rushed to catch up.

Oooh lovely place to chop this chapter up, now I have to read that next part.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a good start. The subtle worldbuilding of the monsters came off nicely, the setting you started with feels like a good choice, the relationships between our characters feel good too. So yeah, I will read more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey, Val, thank you so much for tagging me! I really enjoyed your prologue, so I'm excited to read chapter one ^^

Annabeth lived a normal life. She had wonderful parents and two great friends. Her grades were modest, and she volunteered daily with various non-profit organizations. Yes, her life was relatively normal.

I love your first line and last line of this section. The last line sounds like she's trying to convince herself, and we know that's all gong to change soon xD

I do feel that this is a bit of information dumping though. I get you're trying to give examples on why her life is normal, but I'd like to figure out these kinds of things through her actions and thoughts instead of you stating them out. Perhaps you can give other super random examples like, "She had never seen a dragon before." or something crazy xD just a suggestion!!

The monsters were unexpected, though.

Uh-oh

“Oh, sorry, Mrs. Watson,” said Annabeth, smiling sheepishly. “What were you saying?”

rip Annabeth

“Enough doodling all over your work. Don’t think I can’t see your wrong answers,” she said. Autumn scowled.

rip Autumn

“If it makes you feel better, most of the answers are on Google.”

Oh my gosh, I love how realistic your dialogue is xDD

That’s awful,” said Annabeth, putting on her helmet. “Is he going to be all right?”

(psst you're missing a quote at the beginning) Ohh so the Specter Moose is something everybody basically knows about

“Have a good day, guys,” he said, “and, Mr. Burns, try to make some effort into your homework. You can do it; I know you can.”

I thought she was about to get roasted, but that was sweet!

I think my main feedback for this chapter would be to slow things down a bit. I feel like they were in class one second, and the next second next they were going home. I'm not saying you have to describe very little detail, but perhaps weave in some description of what the school looks like, what the characters look like (for example, Autumn brushed the (colour) hair out of her eyes as she spoke), and perhaps the setting as well. I don't really have a visual, so I think that would be super helpful!

I also agree with Yoshi that I think describing the Specter Moose can help too. I'm curious as to what it looks like; if it has a menacing look, or a rather peaceful look. That would help explain Grayson's statement: “It’s still a monster, Annabeth,” said Grayson in exasperation. “It’s not always peaceful.”

That's all I've got for you! Overall, I definitely enjoyed reading this and am excited to read more. I hope this helped! <3

Hi @Valkyria! I realized that this awesome story didn't have any reviews, so I'm here to review this story!

First off, this is a great story and has most of the parts that are needed for an introduction chapter. However, there are a few things to point out.

Annabeth lived a normal life. She had wonderful parents and two great friends. Her grades were modest, and she volunteered daily with various non-profit organizations. Yes, her life was relatively normal.

Not saying that this isn't a bad idea, but this type of intro is used in way too many fantasy novels, novellas, and short stories. The reason? Because it's just too good of an idea. Starting a possibly action-packed story with something like this is completely normal for most experienced writers. I like it a lot and have no problem with it, but it kind of gives the reader an impression that this is a typical fantasy story.


Another thing I have to say is that you don't have enough elaboration in this story. Where exactly is Annabeth? Who exactly is Ms. Watson? What is Annabeth's history? Is Annabeth's last name "Medford"? There are many unexplained parts of this chapter that need to be explained. To start off a story, there needs to be significant background so that the reader can follow. Unless you are writing a very vague and mysterious story, you shouldn't have this lack of description.

“I didn’t think the Specter Moose was aggressive,” said Annabeth. “Everything I’ve read on it before was that people had peaceful encounters with it.”

“It’s still a monster, Annabeth,” said Grayson in exasperation. “It’s not always peaceful.”

Annabeth wasn’t convinced, but Autumn and Grayson were already biking away, so she rushed to catch up.

By here, I kind of expected a basic visual of what the Specter Moose is. This kind of ties back into my last comment about elaboration. Also, there is one thing I love about this part though, and it's that Annabeth, Grayson, and Autumn seem to have no trouble talking about these monsters and this "Specter Moose". This gives a sort of foreshadow along with the title of this story (The Monster Whisperer), that there will be monsters ahead.

That's just about all I have to say about this. I love your story so far, even though it is a bit vague, but I'm hoping the next chapters will explain the things that happened here.

Bon Voyage

-y0sh!