Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
FADE IN:
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
A FRUIT BASKET on a picnic table filled with delicious, fresh fruits, one of them a shiny, red APPLE. HATTIE (24) picks it up and rubs it on her drabby overalls, eager to take a bite out of it. Her lips start to part--
JOSIE (27) grabs her hand, stopping her from eating it. She wears a dark, military-style uniform, covered in dirt and grime. She wags her finger.
Hattie, frustrated, bares her teeth. We see the reason that she can’t eat the apple: BRACES.
JOSIE
I don’t think apples are on an orthodontist’s recommended food list. Who cares that you’ve got braces? At least you’ve got all your teeth
She grins, showing off missing front teeth.
HATTIE
Because, Josie, no self-respecting 24-year-old still has braces.
A few feet away, TWO YOUNG GIRLS giggle while gathering fallen apples. Hattie covers her face, embarrassed. Josie glares at them, and they go back to their tasks.
JOSIE
We’re living in an apocalypse, Hattie. Besides, it’s not your fault you made your appointment a week before all Hell broke loose.
Hattie snatches the apple back and puts it back in the basket.
HATTIE
Well, if I do my job right, no one will even think about my braces.
The sound of the thickly, wooden DOOR creaking shut catches the women’s attentions. They glance at the 20-FOOT STURDY WALL surrounding buildings in various shapes and wears.
OTHER PEOPLE wearing the same uniform as Josie mill about the entrance. The CAGES they carry are empty.
HATTIE (CONT’D)
No food, still?
JOSIE
We couldn’t catch anything. The traps were empty. Damn zombies must have cleared out the whole area. C’mon. The capt’n called a meeting.
INT. TOWN HALL - NIGHT
Hattie glances at the walls in the hallway. They are lined with POSTERS, NEWSPAPERS, and MAPS of New York state. One newspaper’s heading says, “Virus Outbreak in New York City”. It was posted in 2015. There’s a large map of New York state pinned to a BOARD. Red circles mark areas of high zombie concentrations.
Next to it is an illustrated POSTER: “Signs When Someone’s Been Bitten.”
Hattie and Josie find their seats near the front, amidst the buzz of others settling in.
CAPTAIN STONE (55) stands at the podium, watching the people file in. Deep lines across his face and hard-set eyes. He is tall, proud, and weary.
He taps the microphone. Silence falls.
CAPTAIN STONE
For 10 years, our settlement has held strong when other have been overrun by zombies. But our food and medical supply is dangerously running low. We may not have enough to last through the winter.
The audience murmurs. Hattie tightens her hands on her legs. Captain Stone raises his hands in placation.
CAPTAIN STONE (CONT’D)
I’ve received reports from our scouts that there is a car filled with everything we’ll need and more. It’s being led by medical professionals. Something we’ve been lacking as of now.
Hattie perks up. She runs her tongue over her braces.
CAPTAIN STONE (CONT’D)
Now, here’s the caveat. It’s currently trapped...in Albany.
The audience murmurs again, more scared.
JOSIE (hushed)
Zombie city; capital Z.
CAPTAIN STONE
I need a small group to collect the supplies and bring back the staff safe and sound. Any volunteers?
Silence.
Hattie bites her lip, feeling the braces poking it. No one has raised their hand yet. She curls her hands into fists. This could be her chance to finally remove the braces.
She stands.
HATTIE
I volunteer.
Josie snaps her head up at Hattie. She’s shocked.
CAPTAIN STONE
Very good. Any others?
JOSIE
W-Wait a minute! This is a mistake. Hattie, sit down! She didn’t mean it, Capt’n.
HATTIE
Yes, I do!
JOSIE
You only have the basic training. You’ve never even fought a zombie.
HATTIE
I can sneak around them. I’m good at foraging. And I’m a quick learner. Captain Stone, please allow me to take this mission.
She and Captain Stone stare at each other. One is determined and desperate. The other is calculative.
CAPTAIN STONE
Very well. But you are not to engage in combat. Do you understand?
HATTIE (relieved)
Yes sir.
JOSIE
Sign me up, then.
She sighs and throws her arm around Hattie.
JOSIE (CONT’D)
If you’re gonna risk your life, I might as well join ya.
Hattie smiles.
CAPTAIN STONE
We need one more volunteer.
THOMAS (50) stands up a few rows down from Hattie and Josie. He’s shaggy-haired but otherwise pure muscle. Similar to Josie, he wears a black military uniform. Around his waist are assorted KNIVES.
THOMAS (gruff)
Someone needs to look after those two. It might as well be me.
Captain Stone appraises them. Hattie stands up a little taller, squaring her shoulders. Meets his eyes in determination. He nods.
CAPTAIN STONE
Thank you, everyone. The mission will proceed as planned. You three, get a good night’s rest. You leave first thing tomorrow morning.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello @Valkyria Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
I haven't seen many scripts around the site but I am so glad to have stumbled across this one! This is very interesting, and hilarious in the best ways!! It's somehow a very refreshing take on a zombie apocalypse. I love how Hattie is so done with her braces situation that she's willing to combat zombie central just to have a chance at getting them removed.
It makes her such a relatable character and it also adds this lovely breath of humour to the entire play. I also really like Josie and Hattie's dynamic - it's so fun! They seem like really close friends so much so that Josie is willing to risk her life for Hattie.
The plot overall is very interesting, I'm curious to see where things go. We have Hattie, Josie and Thomas (whose like this gruff father figure) going on a very vital mission on which the survival of the community depends, Hattie has never fought a zombie before but is propelled forward by the hope of a braceless future among other things. I'm quite intrigued to see how this plays out in script format.
Under the magnifying glass
One suggestion I have is that you write the stage directions in italics, as that would really help differentiate more clearly between the directions and the dialogue. Like so -
Another thing I noticed is that throughout the script you have put words in all caps in the directions, and I'm not really sure why. If there is some reason for this, it being a script, feel free to ignore this, but if there isn't I do wonder why?
Closing the case
Overall this was a very intriguing first instalment and I am interested in seeing where everything goes! Feel free to tag me when future parts come out!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—Sherlock Holmes, “A Study in Yellow,” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
I'm glad you enjoyed it! The suggestions about the stage directions are really helpful for the YWS format, so thank you. As for your comment about some words being in all caps, that's a note from my screenwriting professor. Those words like "maps" and "posters" are props, and they need to be capitalized the first time so the crew know that they are important to the plot. Thanks for the review, canopy, and I'll be sure to tag you once parts 3 and 4 are released!
Ohhh I see!! that makes sense, thanks for the clarification!!
Heya Val! It might not be autumn yet, but here comes the crow, ready to leave a review on your work!
First Impressions - I feel like I already met this concept somewhere! Maybe in some writing prompt or some Tumblr post? Dunno, but I remember thinking: yeah, that sounds cool, let me just save it on Pinterest board and never return to that idea, lol. But it's cool to see someone taking this concept and writing a script for a movie! As someone who has braces, I really understand main character's main motivation XD
What's up, crows? - So far, we've only been introduced to a few characters - we have Hattie, our main character, who is still struggling with a device that needs replacing. Josie, who I feel has a bit more experience fighting zombies and perhaps works with the Captain to some extent? All I can say about the Captain himself is that he seems responsible and clearly doesn't take the rescue mission so lightly.
Salted peanuts - This is first time I'm reviewing a script, so I don't really feel confident enough to comment something about formatting and all that stuff. But grammar and everything else storywise seems good for me, so we can skip this part! I had to get used to pacing at first, but that makes sense since we are taking about scripts and not prose!
Shiny stuff
These are my favorite shots in movies and TV shows - in a way, you literally bring "show, don't tell" to the screen. You give us a little idea of when and where this story is taking place and what the situation is like in the zombie apocalypse, without saying a single word! Great job
An epilogue -Even though I'm not that used to the scripted format, I liked this! If I turned on the TV and the beginning of a movie based on this script was playing, I would probably stay with it
Have a nice rest of day/night/whatever is in your timezone and stay safe!
- Kay, your local (friendly?) crow
i understood that reference