EXT. SETTLEMENT ENTRANCE - DAY
Hattie shoulders her DUFFEL BAG securely. Her uniform is similar to Josie’s.
The sun hasn’t yet fully risen.
Josie and Thomas join her at the entrance, carrying their own bags. 2 SENTRIES, rifles slung over shoulders, open the door. It’s a slow process.
Each creak sends nerves up Hattie’s spine.
JOSIE
You good?
Hattie sees her confident smirk, the array of weapons Thomas has. She glances down at herself. No gun, just a SWITCHBLADE. She swallows her insecurities.
HATTIE
Totally.
JOSIE
You sure?
HATTIE
I need to do this, Josie. This is my chance to...to...feel normal. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with these?
She forcefully points at her braces.
THOMAS
Is that rainbow?
HATTIE
I never got to change the color bands to clear.
THOMAS
Zombies are attracted to bright colors, you know? You should have darkened them. First thing we learned in the military.
JOSIE
Zombies don’t care about braces, dummy. They just want to eat us. They’d probably spit out the braces anyway.
Hattie groans.
Josie winces, offering her a weak smile of apology.
The door creaks open. Hattie stares at the FOREST.
It stares back at her. Silent.
SENTRY 1
No sightings of any zombies. If you stick on the path, you should have a safe start to your journey.
JOSIE
Thanks, man.
SENTRY 2
Godspeed, soldiers.
The sentries salute them. Hattie’s salute is shakier than Josie’s and Thomas’s.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Footsteps crunch over fallen leaves. Every sound spooks Hattie more and more.
But no zombies rush through the undergrowth. Or from behind trees.
Thomas and Josie are up ahead. They’re scanning their surroundings, but they look relaxed.
Josie stretches her hands above her head. Places them on her stomach.
JOSIE
Snack break!
THOMAS
You just had breakfast.
JOSIE
My stomach’s saying otherwise. Snack break, Hattie?
HATTIE
Um, sure.
JOSIE
Excellent.
She throws her bag down and sits on a fallen log. Kicks off her shoes and massages them.
THOMAS
Put your shoes back on. What if something happens?
JOSIE
It's fine, Tommy.
Thomas growls at the nickname.
JOSIE (CONT’D)
You heard the sentry. Not a zombie to be seen or heard. Let us rest our feet, huh?
Thomas grumbles, but concedes. He takes his bag off but stands guard, facing away from them, RIFLE at the ready.
EXT. FOREST - CONTINUOUS
Hattie sits down next to Josie and stretches her legs out, She runs her tongue over her braces again.
HATTIE
Do you think the staff are still alive? In Albany?
JOSIE
Well, yeah. We only got the message a few days ago. Don’t worry, things will be okay.
Hattie smiles. Resolves herself.
EXT. CLEARING - NIGHT
The trio sit around a small fire.
HATTIE
Do you have the map?
Josie digs through her bag and pulls the MAP out. It’s crinkled, ripped, and covered in crumbs and stains.
Hattie takes it by the fingers, grimacing.
HATTIE (CONT’D)
Most of the zombies will be gathered in highly populated areas in the capital, so we just need to find another way in.
THOMAS
Don’t get fooled into thinking that one area will be safer than the other.
He stomps over to them and stabs the word “Albany” on the map with the end of the rifle.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
If one spots you, the others come running. It’s like some freaky sixth sense or something.
HATTIE
There’s no evidence that says that, Thomas. And please be careful with that thing.
THOMAS
Take it easy. Safety’s on-
He checks the weapon. We hear a CLICK.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
--Now.
A BEAT.
HATTIE
(getting up)
Right. Look, Thomas, I see where you’re coming from. But the less zombies we see, the less likely we’re gonna have to fight them and draw more attention to ourselves.
THOMAS
Hmm, you have a point. The less fighting, the better. You are scrawny and weak.
HATTIE
(exasperated)
Okay.
JOSIE
But if we do encounter zombies, which I don’t doubt, you need to be prepared. We’ll show you the ropes.
She stands and punches Hattie on the shoulder.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Not bad, not at all! I'm going to use the smores review thingy.
Top Cracker
Set in an interesting militaristic world, where a zombie outbreak has occured. The characters are realistic and have established connections with each other.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow
The scenes here could use a little work, possibly adding zombie confrontation or some sort of mortal conflict. Although it is the first chapter, so maybe hold off on that. The formatting is interesting, but it makes it a little hard to read, so maybe just put it into paragraphs or the such.
Delicious Chocolate
I love the world set up, even though I'm not a fan of militaristic stuff, you really make it work. I would love to see how zombies work in this world, and if there are more variations of the undead. The way you write is nice, and you're quite descriptive.
Bottom Cracker
Overall, you did a really great job! Everything is set in it's respective spot, even though the pace is a bit rushed. I would love to see more! Thanks!
Hello @Valkyria Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here…....again....…. hmmm…..
What I can see
This second instalment is very interesting! It's a little short and seems to act like a filler so there's not much action but it does showcase this groups dynamic very well. Hattie is the anxious newcomer, Josie is the relaxed, easy going and experienced, while Thomas is the tense, perhaps paranoid veteran, gruff in a very reluctant way. Perhaps he feels a sense of responsibility since he is so much older than them. When volunteering as well he had said that 'somebody must look after them' which makes me wonder if there aren't that many older people in their settlement.
I really like the bit where Hattie's braces are discussed again, it adds a lovely touch of humour, especially with them being rainbow in colour and Thomas being completely serious when he says that they might attract zombies. Which adds another interesting detail, that zombies and attracted to bright colours which is new. From the zombie apocalypse movies and books I've seen and read (not that I've seen or read many) this is quite the change.
Usually they are attracted to sound or smell of people. So this becomes a very intriguing and refreshing detail. I'm curious to see where this goes. Are they attracted only to bright colour? Or bright light as well? Does that make them photosensitive? Lots of room for worldbuilding.
Under the magnifying glass
This confuses me, did you mean revolves? because that does make more sense in this context.
Now, this may seem a little nit-picky but while reading I do wonder why only three people have volunteered for such a vital mission to the community. Especially since they seem to come across as a well established, battle hardened settlement with an experienced and dedicated fighting force. I understand that it is an unusually dangerous mission but it makes sense that more people are there and the better planned it is, the better chance of survival they have. Even if it is only three people who are chosen for the mission I would expect that more would have volunteered. The fact they didn't does shift my perception of the community in a slightly less positive direction.
Closing the case
Overall I enjoyed this second instalment of yours! I'm very curious to see where all this goes
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—Miss Marple, “A Murder Most Deadly,” by Agatha Christie