Here's my first poem to be submitted here. I wrote it for English. The criteria was to write a poem about death and dying. Hope you guys enjoy and and tell me what you think.
"Look Into My Eyes"
Look into my eyes
And tell what you see
Do you see a diamond gem?
Or a soul ravaged with disease
Gaze at my body
Does it shine like summers day?
Or is it a slowly rotting corpse
Putrid and dripping with decay
Tell me now
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Can I learn and thrive?
Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become one with the ground
Never to be seen another day
For I do not know
Whether I am alive or dead
I only see one color
Slowly dripping-red
Thanks for reading!
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey Val!!! Oh my gosh this is MAGNIFICENT!!!!
I really caught the emotion and I loved the similes/metaphors... All I'm here for is 1) to praise it and 2) to give a little feed-back..
Have a nice time!!!!
My comments will be in pink, my likes in purple, my dislikes in green, and my corrections in red..
WOAH!!!!!!
Overall:
Nice work and rhymes!!! I really felt the emotion!!
I loved the last and second paragraphs!! GREAT JOB!!!
chow for now,
sionarama
Hey there
I have to say, I really enjoyed your poem! And I think that you have a really good writing style. I can't really think of anything to critique!
Like another reviewer has said, this is definitely my favourite stanza! I love how you keep the same idea within the four lines.
I noticed that a few people have commented on this stanza, saying that they think that it's a bit too repetitive. This is just my opinion, but I actually quite like your use of repetition!
I also really liked these lines. I especially liked the first line!
Overall, I think that your poem was really good! Like I said before, you have a nice writing style.
Keep writing!
Meg xoxo
For your first poem it's really nice!! Keep it up. but as what they've said you need to work on some of your lines there....
Hey Val, I quite liked this poem, you've got a very cool style that I really love, but I've got a few suggestions on some stanzas and lines that I think might help inprove it
.
Like Haly said, you might want to change this up, it's a little too repeditive in my mind.
I don't know about this stanza...It really seemed not like an ending to me, it kinda anticlimactic if that makes sense. Sort of built up a great poem, then the end is kinda..Ehh. I think for me it was the "Slowly dripping red" part that was it. It's a little overdone.
This was my favorite stanza
I love the line "until I become the ground" for some reason, it's got that something to it.
Anyway I liked it, good job
~Hope
Pretty good in general
few little things
Into a corpse of decay
this line sounds slightly off in terms of flow compared to the last stanza
I would change it to something like "Into a corpse filled with decay" flows better IMO
Am I dead or alive?
Do I laugh and cry?
Do I learn and thrive?
In terms of this bit, I would put in different word instead of do for the last line, maybe "can I learn and thrive?" Possibly
Am I but a skeleton
Slowing withering away
Until I become the ground
Never to be seen another day
this stanza is good but the last line seems to stunt the flow a little, try making it shorter somehow.
No crits with last stanza, this was really good
Overall, a well written poem
Keep wrting
Halycon