These lives of ours are beaches, you know;
Each is no more
than a mountain of sand.
Doesn’t it seem quite strange to you
How they run through
our fingers so fast?
These lives of ours are diamonds, each one.
They light the
dark with shining eyes.
They’re worth more than their weight in gold;
They best
would be carefully spent.
These lives of ours are oceans, you see;
They flow to fill the empty land,
And when a path cuts through their skin,
They fold back into place.
These lives of ours are shadows, no more.
They twist and
stand on shoulders beneath;
They bite and smash, but leave no mark;
They never break,
just fade away.
These lives of ours are fires, I’m sure.
They blaze and
dance, then melt to dust,
And if they’re bright, there is a chance
That they’ll burn
on in someone’s eyes.
These lives of ours are wind, I’d say.
They whip the skies
and leap around.
Sometimes they follow the sun, it seems,
But no one can tell
where they’ll snag.
These lives of ours are tapestries
Woven in silk on
eternity’s loom.
They flow together, but in the end,
Each one matters for only
this:
The scenes depicted in its glow
(How many fields roll in its
arms,
How many suns shine in its skies,
The depth of its red threads
and the height of its blues)--
Or the paths tilled by its folds
(The thickest drag the rest
in their wake,
But the mark of the best is to make a new trail--
Or to shine
with the strongest beads of light).
Truly, a tapestry means no more
Than the ties formed by its ends--
Or the placement of its strings--
Or the vibrations that hum
when it’s done.
No, these lives of ours are a winding puzzle
Within us all,
though we want it without.
So we place the splinters one by one,
Then splash each with
a drop of ink;
In this way, we construct our puzzle.
And though some lines
of life go down,
The scribbles of one thousand years
Won’t silhouette these
lives of ours.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Wow. Did you actually write this? I know you did write it, I'm just using that phrase to say that it is so amazingly accurate and fantastic. I love it.
I often wonder what the point in life is, it just goes around in an endless cycle, I think you've explained this thought in many different ways which are all wonderful.
I don't know about you, but whenever I hear the word 'snag' I think of sausages. This is just a personal nitpick and I don't expect you to change it, but this is a review so I'm reviewing.
The second and final nitpick I have is how you break your pattern. I got so used to reading your stanzas with four lines that when I got down to the last two, they seemed crowded and didn't flow as well; it made it difficult to read.
That's all I found. Like I said at the start, this is amazing. You wrote with a simple vocabulary which anyone could understand (that's a good thing, by the way) yet the words created such beautiful imagery.
Puh-leeze keep writing poetry!
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem!
Hello! Retro here for a little review!
Okay, first I do nitpicks, then talk about what I liked, okay?
Now this might just be me, but I don't like the start of the stanzas. I get the idea of "These live of ours" but it just feels overly plugged in this piece.You could intergrate as an idea better I feel. Such as;
"These lives of ours are wind, I’d say.
They whip the skies and leap around."
Could become
"Like wind they whip the skies,
our lives leap and bound around"
Obviously that isn't very good but I think you get where i'm coming from though, I just feel it feels a bit long and winded because of the repetition at the moment.
My other nitpick is that you've not been consistant in stanza length. Now for me, if you're consistant for most you should be throughout but that's just me!
That being said you've got some absolutely beautiful imagery here. And your voice is very prominent and well written within the piece. And it is quite harrowing in places, especially the ending. As endings go yours could be one of the strongest i've read on this site. So you've actually got a really decent poem here I just think it needs a tiny bit more work.
Keep it up,
here if you need me,
~Retro
Thank you! I appreciate the suggestions.
Hello. I am Methrirr.
Now. To buisness.
This poem started out rather weak. In any poem, there are good lines and bad lines. One such line that stood out to me as weak was the line "They would best be carefully spent."
I did not like that line. As I read on, I genuinely did not have high hopes for this piece.
I was to be fooled. Pleasantly so.
"These lives of ours are tapestries
Woven in silk on eternity’s loom."
I LOVE this bit. It's the way it flows, while maintaining meaning, that speaks volumes of the writers skill. This piece grew as I read it to provoke questions, and answer them with the voice of a philisophical writer speaking in stanzas.
I like it. I'd give it a 7.5 out of ten. Bravo.
Thanks for the review!