The Meltdown
It was a warm and blaring day, with just the right amount of vapor in the air, that I exited my residence and ignited a cigarette. With a deep and relaxing drag, I took a moment to observe my home. It was a wide building, about three stories tall, and containing about fifteen other apartment complexes. The front of the building was a canvas for many aspiring vandals; their tags and alter-ego identities being hastily sprayed onto it. It was a sad building really, being shelter to people who are better described as parasites as opposed to tenants.
I began to walk down the cracked and concrete sidewalk,
seeing the usual sights of rusting, relic cars. Their was a
smog in the air above rooting from the nuclear power plant, which
stood menacingly and maliciously from across the river. Everyday it
released whisks upon puffs upon clouds of pollution into the oxygen
within a four mile radius.
The power plant had given the town
international notoriety in the late 1980’s, during which it had
an unexpected meltdown. The town was vacated as soon as possible, but
as many as one hundred residents ended up dying due to an extreme
exposure of radiation. Since the accident, emergency sirens in the
event of a meltdown had been scattered around the town, and at least
fifty functional buses have been stationed in an empty field near the
town-border. There is a precautionary drill held monthly in which the
residents review plans to go over in an emergency situation.
Fear
was the life support of this community. Everyday its citizens are
forced to live through the panic of a horrific death that can occur
at any second. They must always live in
the shadows of years past, lapsing in the worry of a history wished
to be forgotten, but one that can always repeat itself.
Sixteen
long years in this community, sixteen years of watching the beings
around me resort to a bottle to combat their fears. It has been a
journey that has left me weary, left me tired, a travel that has
given me a ravenous appetite for something better. And everyday as I
start to blend in more and more with this populace, I tread further
and further away from my destination.
My train of thought was
interrupted by a sudden chill that had me shivering. I had noticed
that the sky above had turned gray, and colossal emanations of smoke
had blocked the sunrays from reaching any ground around me. People on
the street obviously began to notice this as well, and many began
marveling at the sky.
I don’t think anybody was really
expecting it to happen, after all, with all of their focus’ being on the sky, but after a minute of the Sun being intercepted, a
vehement explosion sent vibrations from across the river. The nuclear
reactors had blown, releasing vibrant shades of orange and yellow all
around, and compressing the clouds with toxins and chemicals. Thus
began the sounds of sirens, and thus began two decades worth of
anticipation crammed into over ten thousand people, triggering an
epidemic of chaos.
They all began to yell and sprint,
trampling over each other and stepping on their neighbors face’s,
each only having one goal, and that goal being survival. In front of
my eyes, primal instinct had taken over the rational thought that was
meant to put us above our proceeding forms. Twenty-thousand feet of
men, women, boys, and girls all began a race to the towns entrance. To the buses. As they all made violent waves and began to aimlessly
bounce into me, I cursed my life-long skinny and fragile frame, and
realized a run to the buses would ensure certain death by their foot.
Pulling through the unstable mass of people and taking
stand on top of a van, I scouted the area and noticed a house with a
basement. I leaped off and stepped on many people in the process, but
my legs had amazingly brought me upon the wooden, colorless porch
of the house. I had attempted to open the door, but my efforts were
greeted with a click and the defeated by a lock.
Time was
running out. The atmosphere was beginning to rumble, and more
explosions were audible. The streets were clean of people, except
the stampeded corpses and moaning survivors left to writhe in misery
and await death . I looked in the distance and observed the last of
the buses departing. In desperation, I threw a chair sitting by the
door through the porch window and climbed inside the house.In the
face of a nuclear disaster, a house isn't much protection, but it
seemed better than being out in the open.
The lights were off,
and silhouettes of furniture were around me. I stumbled in the
darkness, tripping over a protruding and stiff object and landing on
the edge of a coffee table throat-first.
I gasped. My throat was suddenly stabbed with a searing sensation. I was breathing, but air was harder to
inhale. Something was definitely wrong, and hesitantly I touched the
front of my neck. My fingers fell upon a crushed larynx, shifted
dangerously to the side and making breathing much harder.
I
looked for a light, finally finding one and twisting the switch,
gasping and wheezing the whole time.The light revealed the object which derailed me; the messy, spaghetti-esque corpse of an elderly bald man.
Self-inflicted gunshot. Old man admitted defeat and spared himself a
more horrible death.
I heard a thumping from upstairs. It
sounded like some sort of step, and, figuring it was a person, I ran up
a staircase to the left of the room.
I tried to yell aloud to
let my presence be known to the potential help, but no noises came
out. Suddenly I heard a breath from down the hall, and a white and
almost glowing canine appeared running from the darkness. It leapt and
pounced on my chest. Caught off guard, I was hurled through the air
with the mutt, and my back fell through a window that was behind
me.
Together, me and the dog plunged from two stories and to
the hard and unforgiving concrete below. I tried yelling, to no
success. As I sank, I looked into the sky. For a second, in the
blackness of higher altitude, I noticed an opening of light. I fell
back onto Earth, followed by the canine, and the decayed world around
me faded out. The last thing I was able to make out seeing was the
light piercing the clouds. It gave me mental projections of God.
I relapsed into consciousness a minute or so later,
which could have been for longer if a gentle tapping hadn’t
been hitting my chest. I opened my eyes to see a strange fluid
falling on me from the angry black puffs above. It was green, and it
smelled strong and metallic. Soon it began falling all around me. It
was rain contaminated with nuclear toxins, and it was burning
whatever flesh was exposed to meet it.
Instantly, despite a
broken larynx and throbbing vertebrates, a rush of adrenaline came to
me and lunged me back onto my feet, seeking shelter from the poisonous precipitation. I hurried and stumbled to a porch and collapsed. The storm became worse and more tempestuous with every passing second.
I was on the
porch for about ten minutes when I began to vomit through my
decreased windpipe. That painfully lasted another five minutes, and I
soon felt delirious. I felt a palpable pain from my ribcage and
glanced down at my shirt to examine it. A newly appeared hole the
size of a fist had appeared on my shirt, singed and smoldering at the
edges. A large, gaping wound revealed my ribs, and part of my
stomach. The skin around it looked charred and
infected, and the immediate intestinal agony was excruciating. The acid-like, chemical rain had began to take its effect.
It was only a matter of time once again.
I stood up. It hurt
to do, and I had to slouch and use the wall for support. At this point, my primal Id was in the proverbial bus driver's seat.
I took a step. My foot went on the porch edge. I kicked out and landed it on the first step. The porch was still covering me. I stepped onto that last step, and submitted myself to the storm.-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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"There", not "Their". That really eats at me when I see it.
This bothers me. Where is the emotion? The narrator says "it hurt to do" but why don't they actually vividly describe the pain? Even something like "It felt like a jagged rocks being chucked at my knees" would suffice better than that.
Again here. Don't just say it's audible, say what it is that makes it audible.
Overall: The narration during the beginning is really alluring. Work on description and character development. It's well-written, just lacks depth. Not the best story, but not the worst by far either.
Hi,
this is weird for a nightmare but still, it was good enough especially for a fifteen-years-old.
Nothing much to comment but I found some mistakes(sorry if I didn't list them right.):
Not too bad-mouthing you but there were many grammatical error especially on verb. You mixed many present in this past story. Some that I could repair for you:
You must understand the method of using everyday. Read this:
Everyday vs. every day
Everyday is an adjective used to describe things that (1) occur every day, or (2) are ordinary or commonplace. In the two-word phrase every day, the adjective every modifies the noun day, and the phrase usually functions adverbially. For example, every day you eat breakfast. You brush your teeth every day. Maybe you go for a walk every day. These are everyday activities.
When you’re not sure which one to use, try replacing everyday/every day with each day. If each day would make sense in its place, then you want the two-word form. Everyday, meanwhile, is synonymous with daily or ordinary, depending on its sense.
Understand?
Anyway, replaced the start with started. Well, obviously the main character died when the character stepped onto that last step, and submitted him/herself to the storm or not?
Next:
I think you should you used 'but' instead of 'and'. Moreover, 'it hurt to do,' seemed wrong and a little confusing, though. Or even you could replace it with this: Even it was hurt, I had to slouch and use the wall for support.
Moving on:
...seeing usual sights of the rusting, relic cars.
It would be better to put 'the' after 'of', right?
Well:
Use didn't instead of don't and don't capitalize the sun and remove this mark (') after focus.
I'm not sure of this but 'sent vibrations from across the river'? remove 'from' or 'across' because it would become really confusing to read.
Lastly:
'kicked out'? what he/she kicked? Explain or change this sentence. (or it was just my feeling?)
I agreed with MargoSeuss with the:
Explain your character! PLEASE! Even with the words: my long hairs blown away by the winds, would be enough. Explain! Explain! EXPLAIN!
Overall, nice story! Thanks for this. I hope this helped ya!
Nicol~
P/s : Use my points wisely, okay?
Hey Nicol! Thank you for your review!

My tensing does get jumbled, usually because my first drafts are usually automatic writing. I never proofread or edited this, just kinda crapped it out one morning and let it collect cyber dust in my Word documents. However, I will get around to implementing your corrections. Eventually.
Thanks again for the points! They went to the Profane Parables Folder, so it's up to you do decide if they were used wisely or not!
Farewell and Free Speeches!
Hey, UriahElroy. This is Margo Seuss coming at you with a review.
Excellent diction. Your descriptors allowed me to vividly imagine your chaotic world. Your story was exciting, but ended so abrupty. I never got to know your protagonist! What was his name? What is he like? I understand he's been through quite the epidemic. The poor kid can't seem to get a break..until he burns to death from the caustic rain of course. That break was a life long one!
Develop your character more. Elaborate on how he feels. Desperate, lost, sad, apathetic...or is he more of a fighter? The kind of character who takes action against what he believes to be wrong. Their is nothing wrong with killing off a character, just give me a little more bulk. I need to know this guy before I can feel anything over his loss. Perhaps if he was a martyr. Right now he's no different from any of the other people bubbling on the side of the road!
Your story encourages people to think about the environment through fear. Poisonous rain? No thanks! Next time I leave the house, I'll be sure to turn off the lights!
A good work is never finished.
--MS
Hi Margo! Thank you for your insightful review. You appear to be a reputable source in this community, so your favorable reception is an ego boost (God knows I needed it).
You do have a point as far as the lack of character development goes, but, alternatively, I can be a hipster and say something like "that is the point, dood. It's ironic." But that'd make me a contrarian, which is not my intention.
In all honesty, I wrote this around the theme of hopelessness. As you said, the sorry bastard can't catch a break. He was doomed even before the meltdown, but he's not meant to elicit any emotions or have any purpose. He can't fully be relatable, because he was thrown into an unrelatable situation. I'd say that the Nuclear Reactor was more of the protagonist than he was.
But alas, this is all bullshit. Food for thought. I had none of this in mind when writing it. To me, it was just a dream. But for you, or others, to be able to read and interpret it, using your own thoughts and emotions, is the most sincere form of satisfaction for me. Thanks again, and happy writings!
Wow! This was an exciting short story, and I enjoyed the suspense, as I had no idea what the main character was going to do. Were they going to run for the bus? Try to get underground?
I am curious as to what year this story takes place in. The narrator mentions that there was a meltdown in the 80's, but the 2000's would be way too soon for people to move back in. The Chernobyl meltdown is a great example of this if you want to check that out. Anyways, that's a small and easily fixed detail, so don't sweat it.
I thought this was very well written and the vocabulary was diverse and snappy. The ending was interesting, especially as I had thought the narrator was going to pull through (what a twist that was!)
Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Welcome to YWS!
Hi JumpingSheep! I appreciate the feedback. To your credit, I don't think the main character himself knew what he was going to do. I just threw him into an anomaly based on a terrifying nightmare I had at the time. Thanks again, it's uplifting to feel welcomed!