Thank you for the reviews, but I have decided to take the piece down. I am not quite emotionally ready to make even my practice work public.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there.
I must say, this narrator you have here really beats around the bush, doesn't he? All I could think about while reading this was "WOAH! Description overload!" at which point my eyes glazed over and I was kind of frustrated because I had to keep going back and rereading because my brain went on autopilot. Let's dissect exactly why this happened, shall we?
This is the first sentence of your second paragraph, and all the following sentences are quite similar. No, I don't mean that they have the same structure. You actually show a lot of variety in your syntax. But all your sentences have this very elaborate quality to them, as if your narrator likes describing things in great detail. He mentions something in detail, then elaborates with even more details. And hey, that may be a personality aspect of your character, which is totally fine. But I really hope that you don't intend to write your entire novel like this, because I think this narrative style will be too overwhelming over a long period (I actually felt a little overwhelmed with this short piece, but I think that's more personal taste than anything).
Another reason why my brain decided to shut off was because this narrator of yours is all doom and gloom. Again, personal taste here, but I like me a bit of spark and humor in my narration because I find it brings life to a piece. It's not much fun to focus only on the dreary aspects of a situation, so I think this piece could use something to brighten the mood. As long as it in-character for the narrator that is. Because there's nothing worse than an out of place joke. Just something for you to think about.
Now, as for how this prologue stands up as a prologue I thought that it did a good job making me intrigued about what was going to happen next. It's not the "Oh wow, I'm pumped up for this!" kind of intrigued, more like the "Okay, I'll bite" kind of curious. And for a prologue that's really as much as you need, but you could probably add more to this piece to get the former reaction. Maybe your narrator could give a few more details about the protagonist we're going to read about. Not just what she did but what she was like, and what opinion your narrator has of her (this is the fun thing about making the narrator his own character. He's like a built in sports commentator). Actually, I would have liked to seen more of this narrator's personality aside from a regretful historian, and stating his opinions is a great way to do that.
All in all this was a solid piece, though I wouldn't consider it one of the best. Lightening up on the doom and gloom and adding some humor (if appropriate) can help with adding more life to this piece. I also think that giving more personality to the narrator could also bring more enjoyment and open more narrative possibilities if you do choose to keep this narrator throughout your novel (which seems like a strong possibility based on his last two sentences).
I hope I've given you some useful insights. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Thank you very much. Yes, I am well aware I get flowery with description. I shall definitively work on that, cutting it down to where it is appropriate. That was a very constructive review.
Hey, Pix here to review!
I must say...Wow. This was amazing. The way you entered lots of detail into this peice was very good. I'm not good at reviewing prologues (This is one) but this one is going to be easy-peesy.
1) Detail - This, I'd have to say is one of the prologues best qualities. It's very well put, fits in with the structure, the plot. But however, you have to be careful of how much detail you put in it. Too much detail could crowd the peice, and the reader will get confused. I felt that way a little here, but it's just fine. The detail you wrote sounded like it was in mideval time...am I correct? The person that is speaking in this peice sounds so eligant like. Just like they were a magnificent poet back then.
2) Plot - This was a little hard to understand. I get, that the times were hard and fallen but what is the plot? You did not really explain it. In prologues, it's best to leave the reader with a cliff hanger. You tell a background, or information about it, and then you leave the reader wanting to see what happens ; make them want to see more. This peice could've been left with nemerous cliff hangers from my reading, and I can see how you can make it even better then it already is. Also, you explained alot about Eden's agriculture, how they lived, how much glory they had before all these bad things happened. That was a good quality of it also.
That's mostly all I have to say. Overall, great job, and keep writing!
~Pix
Thank you so much for the review! It really brought up my spirits; I am a tad rusty at the moment.
The tone/voice is kind of medieval, yes, because that is just the speech of the narrator, but the novel is not set in a medieval time. I can definitely clear that up when I refine.
Alright, strongly noted. Thank you. I will go back and see what I can insert and really drive a premise to the plot in there. I wished to expand this and so that is probably how I will.
Thanks again,
Paradox