Young Writers Society

So firstly I'm actually a nice person and would never be as mean as you! But anyway here's a review

Okay so the first few sentences you've given given a whole bunch of information at once, it's a bit of an info dump and you want to avoid that if you can otherwise your readers will get bored. As much as it's super important information it's better to show the reader rather than straight out tell them. The whole thing about technology for example it's important information but it should come up casually throughout the story because as much as it would be surprising to us that they had limited technology your character would probably be so used to it they wouldn't even think twice about it. The first things you want to be telling a reader is a bit more about the setting, what did it look like, how does the character feel about it etc.

I so wish I was him, and my other friend, Karloline.

So this sounds a bit odd to me, I think this should really be two separate sentences so like: I so wish I was him. My other friend Karloline... etc.

We don't really know much about what the characters look like, we know that Karloline is tall but that's about it. It would be good to have at least a general description of each of the characters, it's a bit harder to describe the main character given it's from their POV so it might be worth having a look at how other writers have described their main character in a first person POV.

It would be nice to know how he got a demon in his head but that can always be included later on, It's always a good idea to keep some of the information for later on too.

A bit more description of the school would be good in this chapter just to flesh it out a bit rather than just stating that the walk was taking far longer than usual, tell us what the school looks like, where they were going, how they knew it was taking too long etc.

I'm not saying action's a bad thing but we don't really know the characters well enough yet for this sudden attack to make us really feel anything, it might be worth doing a chapter or so on day to day life. Having the attack so early on gives the impression that this is a regular occurrence for them. For all I know it might be but it might be better to include a few getting to know them chapters sort of idea so we can relate to them a bit better

Being thrown against a wall must have hurt, there's probably more descriptive ways of saying they were thrown against the wall. Show us how they were feeling, if I was in that situation i'd definitely be panicking and maybe a bit more concerned about what was happening to myself rather than if my friends were experiencing the same thing at least right away.

This will probably sound stupid but what does the shadow look like? You've said the people in the school don't all look normal so does the shadow? Does it resemble a person?

Your writing is very informal which is different to most style of books (It's not a bad thing just an observation) it's quirky but the use of words like anyway, back to the story and so yeah make it a bit jarring to read. Most readers like to feel like they're actually in the story themselves and things like that can make it hard to get lost in the story.

Do you have a name for the school? It would be good to include that as well as maybe if anyone outside of the school knows of it's existence?

Hi UniPacific,

Mailice here with a short review!

You wrote a very great introductory paragraph that immediately greets the reader with a question. I also like your short interjection of a humorous comment before it goes to a short summary.

Your second paragraph, on the other hand, has this way of being a little too hectic. You try to fit a lot of information into a small paragraph, but I think it would have been better if you didn't jump from one friend to another after a short explanation. You could certainly have added a few more sentences to get more familiar with the characters.
But I like the way you try to develop your own style through the narrator. That's good, but in some places it also feels like the narrator doesn't always know what to say next. But I like the cast so far.

"Well, that's because your a loser and your powers suck," I told Jon, punching his arm that I knew was pretty bruised up.

I would rephrase the sentence a little bit here, because you already mentioned in the previous one that Jon was looking at his wounds. You could have written it something like: "I told Jon, punching his bruised arm". It seems like a repetition that is unnecessary. Also, in the narrator's dialogue it should be "you're" instead of "your".

Your story seems very promising and has a touch of fantasy mixed with a kind of realism. Since it's only the first chapter, I don't know to what extent that will come, but more descriptions of the characters would fit. (You could put that in your second paragraph, for example).
Through the dialogues you also learn a little about the characters and the directions in which they talk. That's good.

What I like is that the story gets straight to the point and the tension starts already here in the chapter, without waiting long with an introduction. That in particular helps the reader to look forward to the next one, because you end very abruptly. I would have liked to read some characteristics of this shadow / Black Queen. When the narrator describes it as a shadow, does it look like a shadow? What shape does it have? A human one? At least a little note would have helped here.

Otherwise, I think it's a very interesting story. It definitely has a good start when the story gets going like this in the first chapter.

Have fun writing it!

Mailice.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this quite a nice first chapter. Its definitely got all the things that you expect to see from a first chapter, and it does all those things fairly well too. Let's get into a bit more detail down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Chapter 1

You’ve probably read all those stories with magic, gods, werewolves and that stuff, right? And you’ve probably thought that they are just stories. Well in my world, all those stories are true. Well maybe not Goldilocks and the Three Bears, cause she’d be dead even in my world. Anyway, my name's Gray Pierce and this is my story on life, death, a little love and the utter madness that is my day to day life.

Okayy...well that was a really interesting start...definitely gets you interested in what's going on there. Quite a bit of a dramatic statement there going right for the introduction style there by our protagonist...which is fun...so let's where this story takes us.

So this story starts pretty ordinary. Me and 2 friends walking through the corridors of our school. This may be an ordinary situation but nothing about us and the school was ordinary. For starters, we are in the 21st century and there’s barely any technology in our school. And well, to put it simply, my friends and I are freaks. Jon, he’s the most normal in this entire school. That makes him an outsider. If you looked at him, you wouldn’t know he’s not normal, but on the inside Jon has something special. He’s a technopath, someone with the ability to talk to and control technology. I so wish I was him, and my other friend, Karloline. She is huge, taller than most people I’ve ever meet. She’s actually a daughter of the fire giant from Norse mythology Surtur. Maybe that’s why we get along, her being a daughter of a fire giant. Oh yeah, forgot to mention why I’m unusual. I have something in my head. A demon that gives me the ability to control and make fire. He’s been in my head for years and has caused me so many problems. Anyway, back to the story.

Well...that was quite the introduction there...sounds like we have a pretty interesting cast of characters there...that's going to be quite a bit of fun going forward, well I think so anyway. I'm not the biggest fan of the introduce the characters right at the start with their powers strategy but this isn't breaking the flow in any way so far, so I think its okay for the moment.

So yeah, me, Jon and Karloline were heading to our dorms after our last class of the day, Power training.

“God, I hate that class,” Jon mumbled, inspecting the many bruises he’d just got.

“Well, that’s because your a loser and your powers suck,” I told Jon, punching his arm that I knew was pretty bruised up.

Okay...that seems a little rude....this is going to be a interesting set of friendships going forward I can see.

“You don’t have to be mean to him,” Karloline said, elbowing me, which because of her height was like right at my face.

“Yeah, Gray, don’t be so mean to me,” Jon said, smiling like an idiot. It was pretty obvious that Jon had a crush on Karloline and this was one of those moments.

The walk was a little odd, it was taking much longer than it should.

Ooooh well that's also a ton of fun. Looks like our main characters here should be quite interesting to read about, I'm liking them so far....they seem pretty good so far.

“Is it just me or have we been walking for ages?” Jon said, before it went pitch black.

Both me and Karloline made fire appear in our hands. In the edge of the fire light, a shadow stood. It took one step towards us then both of the fires went out. Karloline and I just looked at each other, as I tried to make fire appear with no avail. The look in Karloline’s eyes also told me she was having the same problem. The next thing I know, Jon and I are flung onto the walls, and I couldn’t move, with Jon struggling as well.

Thrusting us into some action right away, ooh I really like the start of this story. Starting with action is my favorite way of starting off a story.

“Guys?” Karloline said as she looked at the both of us, who were still struggling to move.

The shadow then rushed over to Karloline and grabbed her by the neck. I’ve seen Karloline lift some heavy weights in the gym, punch over brick walls, and even she was struggling to break the stranger’s grip.

Oooh I like that little set of comparisons, really helps put in perspective how strong this shadow thing is. And well, it appears this is where this story is going to get started I suppose.

“You will join the Black Queen,” the shadow said as Karloline started struggling less and less until she stopped all together.

The shadow, or as what it called itself, the Black Queen dropped Karloline and in that very hand, fire very similar to the fire Karloline makes, appeared. The Black Queen faced me and started coming closer. All of a sudden, she was gone and the lights were back on. Jon and I were on the ground and both of us instantly went to Karloline, to check if she was alright.

And leaving everything off on a bit of a cliffhanger, that's a great choice there for a first chapter. Definitely makes you want to read on to find out what's going on. And its a really well placed cliffhanger too.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this is a great first chapter. The story here sounds like its got a lot of potential to be a really exciting one and I would definitely read another chapter of this. Aaand that's all I gotta say for now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello. First of all, welcome to YWS! Now, straight to the review.

Well in my world, all those stories are true. Well maybe not Goldilocks and the Three Bears, cause she’d be dead even in my world.

Avoid beginning two consecutive sentences with the same word. It makes it sound monotonous. Here, maybe u could simply remove the second well. And don't u think there will be a comma after well?

Anyway, my name's Gray Pierce and this is my story on life, death, a little love and the utter madness that is my day to day life.

This line is pretty good. Just to refine it a bit, can u replace little with bit?

Jon, he’s the most normal in this entire school.

Maybe, you can put a dash instead of comma after John. The line that follows clearly tells that your school is extraordinary! Getting interested.

If you looked at him, you wouldn’t know he’s not normal, but on the inside Jon has something special

Confused... Just two lines ago, you told he is the most normal and now u are telling he is extraordinary!

I so wish I was him, and my other friend, Karloline.

Was will be were. In this imaginative sentences, where u wish something, were is the correct verb regardless of the noun or pronoun be singular or plural. What did u want to convey by my other... This is a bit vague.

So yeah, me, Jon and Karloline were heading to our dorms after our last class of the day, Power training.

It will be John, Karloline and I...
I guess the last class was power training. In this case, you should either use a dash before power training or a ‘i.e.’ you should remove the comma.

“Well, that’s because your a loser and your powers suck,” I told Jon, punching his arm that I knew was pretty bruised up.

Typo. Your will be you are

The rest was awesome. I am quite interested with the Black Queen. I want to know more about her. Can you pls tag me on the release of next chapter? If u don't know how to tag, comment here I will tell u.

Overall, a very good work. Keep it up!!

~Forever