Woah okay so Karloline is dead? That wasn't hinted at at the end of the last chapter. It's good to end chapters on cliffhangers to keep readers interested but there was no cliffhanger in the last chapter and this kind of seems like it was put in for shock factor. Also, when a character is killed off I should really feel something about it, I don't really feel anything to learn that Karloline was killed because I don't really know her. It doesn't help that Jon, someone who was supposedly in love with Karloline doesn't really seem to be bothered she's dead either. The best advice I ever got about killing off a character (It was from DARP but shh) was to ask yourself why you're killing off this character. The only real reason you should kill a character is to further the plot or another character's growth. Shock factor works better if the other characters and the readers feel something for the character being killed off. And if you're just killing off the character because you don't want to use them then maybe consider just not having them in it at all.
It was all a blur and all I remember is lots of talk, some yelling and Gray and I being sent to our dorm.
Okay so this sentence is a bit confusing. It's completely normal for someone to kind of forget everything that happens but if that's the way you're going with it this should maybe be the first sentence of the chapter rather than having a two sentence conversation with the headmaster, chances are he wouldn't remember the conversation all that much probably just that they saw the headmaster if anything.
On that note try to avoid the word said, it get's repetitive really quickly and doesn't really tell the reader much about what the character was doing/feeling/acting at that moment.
You've made it clear that you've switched to a new characters POV but it's important to change your writing style for that person too. It's a bit harder to do when writing from a first persons POV especially when you're doing it so informally with flashing into and out of the scenes but things like the word cause, you've used that in both chapters and the chances of two people using that exact same word in similar context like you've done are a little bit less common so just be aware to make sure you differentiate between the two characters in how they speak and act because they won't have the exact same dialect or personality so they'll react differently.
It seems a bit odd that their first thoughts are to research this person when their friends just died, there would be at least some grieving process, some level of disbelief that this person's actually gone from their lives. Also you'd think their classmates would have heard the news by now and would have been a little more sympathetic for something like an electrical surge.
It's unlikely his most pressing concern at that moment would have been fixing a hairdryer.
Illyana yelled out, not putting in any Russian, which was odd for her.
Do you mean she doesn't add any Russian words? Or like her accent didn't hold the usual Russian tone? I think this sentence maybe needs to be reconsidered.
You've introduced far too many people here, I don't know who's who and why it's so important that Zoe get's her lamps before he fixes the wifi or why their parents would kill them for not having wifi. And again, the chances of anyone asking them to do something so mundane after the death of a classmate is very very unlikely.
You've done the opposite in this chapter than you did in the last, in the last we didn't need to know what their abilities were straight off the bat but in this chapter you make reference to Gray's hands being turned to feet and feet to hands and I have no idea why this would happen or how, what type of person would be able to do that?
The second chapter is far too early to have such important information being found out especially if it's just being handed to them like it is in this chapter. Your characters need to have to at least struggle to find the information just a little bit.
Why doesn't Gray like Keto? Who is Keto? Is he important to the story or just a throw away character to give this information. Again you really need to give us more of a screenshot into their lives before any of this. Give us a few classes, explain how things work etc.
Everyone is far too happy for people who have just lost a classmate they've probably known for a while, they probably wouldn't be laughing and Gray probably wouldn't be going to flirt with his crush after just losing one of his closest friends.
Points: 125
Reviews: 3
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