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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Rise of the Black Queen; Chapter 2

by UniPacific


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 2

“Explain again what happened,” the headmaster said.

“It went dark and someone appeared. Then we were stuck on the wall and that’s when it happened, when whoever this Black Queen is killed Karloline,” Gray said, head in his hands, his hair catching fire every so often. 

It was all a blur and all I remember is lots of talk, some yelling and Gray and I being sent to our dorm. Ok, so if you’re a little bit confused, I have taken over for a bit. And I, I mean Jon, Jonathon Lee, Gray’s best friend and roommate. Stuff like this is going to happen all the time cause Gray sucks at story telling. And sometimes he just forgets things, like at this moment.

“I swear on my life I will find this Black Queen and end her,” Gray mumbled, flopping onto his burnt bed.

“You know nothing about her and what she can do. And obviously she’s stronger than the both of us,” I said as I sat at the desk, using my abilities to research anything about the Black Queen on my laptop.

Gray responded but I was too busy in my head and with the laptop to notice what he said. What I found was nothing helpful, just a band called the Black Queen and not much else. 

“JON, earth to Jon,” Gray yelled out.

Gray actually caught my attention, and I lose concentration on my laptop, making the lights flicker and probably heaps of other stuff break.

“What? Sorry, what were you saying?”

“I was saying the teachers won’t do anything about the Black Queen. They never do anything.”

I was just about to respond when our door opened and a whole bunch of people were standing at it, all of them saying some rather colourful things about me.

“Jon, you owe me a new hair dryer. You made smoke come out of it,” Illyana yelled out, not putting in any Russian, which was odd for her.

“Why do you even need one?” I said as I fixed the hair dryer I could feel in her room that was broken.

“Because I was doing Morgan’s hair,” Illyana said, with Gray perking up at the mention of his crush.

“I’ll go do it for her,” Gray said as he got up from his bed and pushed his way through the crowd.

Illyana just shook her head and laughed at Gray, before making her way through the crowd.

“You better fix the wifi you put in or our mum will kill us,” Ajax said as his sister behind him was making hand signs at me, which from my time with the Jackson twins told me wasn’t anything nice.

“I’ll get to it after I find out what Zoe wants,” I said, pointing my chin to the tall girl behind Ajax and his sister.

“New heat lamps and light bulbs, Zoe just said as she went back to her room.

“Obviously I’ve got to get new heat lamps and light bulbs for Zoe, then fix the wifi.” 

“You better,” Ajax mumbled before storming off. Violet signed some stuff towards me that I didn’t understand. 

“Yeah whatever, Violet,” I said waving her off.

After Violet left, all that was left was Keto, just staring at me, arms crossed. I’d know him all my life and those eyes of his, bright green, just shredded through me

“Hurry up and sit down before lover boy comes back with hands for feet and feet for hands.”

“How’d the meeting go about the Black Queen?” Keto said softly.

“How’d you know about her?”

“I have my ways,” Keto said slyly. “I’ve also got other sources about who this Black Queen could be.”

I got up and closed the door. I didn’t want Gray to hear any of this because, for starters, he hates Keto and if he did believe Keto, he’d hunt down everyone Keto listed.

“Go on.”

“Ok, so my pack has done some digging and has found a registration of every supernatural. There’s a few female superhumans with abilities like the Black Queen, however, the most recent died 6 years ago. In a fire. All that was found were her initials, S P.”

“That’s not much to go on. And since when did you have a pack?” I said as I opened he door back up.

 “A lot of things can happen when you’re off by yourself,” Keto said as he walked out of my room.

I was all alone now, in my head, going through what Keto just told me. It was hard to dwell on, knowing not too long ago, Karloline was alive and this Black Queen must of been watching us.


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Tue Apr 06, 2021 9:37 pm
MusicalCat wrote a review...



Woah okay so Karloline is dead? That wasn't hinted at at the end of the last chapter. It's good to end chapters on cliffhangers to keep readers interested but there was no cliffhanger in the last chapter and this kind of seems like it was put in for shock factor. Also, when a character is killed off I should really feel something about it, I don't really feel anything to learn that Karloline was killed because I don't really know her. It doesn't help that Jon, someone who was supposedly in love with Karloline doesn't really seem to be bothered she's dead either. The best advice I ever got about killing off a character (It was from DARP but shh) was to ask yourself why you're killing off this character. The only real reason you should kill a character is to further the plot or another character's growth. Shock factor works better if the other characters and the readers feel something for the character being killed off. And if you're just killing off the character because you don't want to use them then maybe consider just not having them in it at all.

It was all a blur and all I remember is lots of talk, some yelling and Gray and I being sent to our dorm.

Okay so this sentence is a bit confusing. It's completely normal for someone to kind of forget everything that happens but if that's the way you're going with it this should maybe be the first sentence of the chapter rather than having a two sentence conversation with the headmaster, chances are he wouldn't remember the conversation all that much probably just that they saw the headmaster if anything.

On that note try to avoid the word said, it get's repetitive really quickly and doesn't really tell the reader much about what the character was doing/feeling/acting at that moment.

You've made it clear that you've switched to a new characters POV but it's important to change your writing style for that person too. It's a bit harder to do when writing from a first persons POV especially when you're doing it so informally with flashing into and out of the scenes but things like the word cause, you've used that in both chapters and the chances of two people using that exact same word in similar context like you've done are a little bit less common so just be aware to make sure you differentiate between the two characters in how they speak and act because they won't have the exact same dialect or personality so they'll react differently.

It seems a bit odd that their first thoughts are to research this person when their friends just died, there would be at least some grieving process, some level of disbelief that this person's actually gone from their lives. Also you'd think their classmates would have heard the news by now and would have been a little more sympathetic for something like an electrical surge.
It's unlikely his most pressing concern at that moment would have been fixing a hairdryer.

Illyana yelled out, not putting in any Russian, which was odd for her.

Do you mean she doesn't add any Russian words? Or like her accent didn't hold the usual Russian tone? I think this sentence maybe needs to be reconsidered.

You've introduced far too many people here, I don't know who's who and why it's so important that Zoe get's her lamps before he fixes the wifi or why their parents would kill them for not having wifi. And again, the chances of anyone asking them to do something so mundane after the death of a classmate is very very unlikely.

You've done the opposite in this chapter than you did in the last, in the last we didn't need to know what their abilities were straight off the bat but in this chapter you make reference to Gray's hands being turned to feet and feet to hands and I have no idea why this would happen or how, what type of person would be able to do that?

The second chapter is far too early to have such important information being found out especially if it's just being handed to them like it is in this chapter. Your characters need to have to at least struggle to find the information just a little bit.

Why doesn't Gray like Keto? Who is Keto? Is he important to the story or just a throw away character to give this information. Again you really need to give us more of a screenshot into their lives before any of this. Give us a few classes, explain how things work etc.

Everyone is far too happy for people who have just lost a classmate they've probably known for a while, they probably wouldn't be laughing and Gray probably wouldn't be going to flirt with his crush after just losing one of his closest friends.




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Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:49 pm
IsProcrastinator wrote a review...



Hello, IsProcrastinator here for the review!

Ok, so first of all I absolutely loved how you mentioned the change of point of view :

Ok, so if you’re a little bit confused, I have taken over for a bit. And I, I mean Jon, Jonathon Lee, Gray’s best friend and roommate. Stuff like this is going to happen all the time cause Gray sucks at story telling. And sometimes he just forgets things, like at this moment.


Ok, so Karloline's death took me by surprise, I'll admit. The black queen is quite mysterious so far. I'd like get to know her character in more details. The dialogues are very spontaneous, and gives a natural flow to the writing.

One thing I found odd was Jon's reaction, because in the previous chapter it was mentioned he had a crush on Karloline. But we don't really see him feeling sad or even shocked over her sudden death. All the other students also seem unmoved by her death.

The other thing is how too many characters are introduced at once. It makes it hard to differentiate them from one another. You could add some physical description of them to help the reader visualise them better. I noticed that their school and dorm rooms aren't really described. Perhaps you could add some details to the environment, to create a unique atmosphere your story takes place in. Seeing the supernatural powers that your characters have, it leaves me wanting to know more about their surroundings, classrooms and where they live.

All in all, this is a start of a quite intriguing story. The narration is interesting and the mystery surrounding the black queen keeps the reader wanting more. Who is she really? What are her powers? What does she want from them? I have many questions. Looking forward to read more of this story. :)

Happy writing!




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Fri Apr 02, 2021 2:53 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi UniPacific,

Mailice here with a new review! :D

I like how the chapter goes straight away from the cliffhanger of the last one and the matter is now clarified in a dialogue. I also find it interesting how you are now moving the story forward with the plot and adding new characters.

I think it's good that you try to deal with a lot of things in dialogue and thus move the story forward. It's very practical and reads well. In general, the structure is good, except for the following point, which I'll explain a little:

I was just about to respond when our door opened and a whole bunch of people were standing at it, all of them saying some rather colourful things about me.


In the coming sections, some new characters have been introduced where it would be important to develop them a bit more, for example in their appearance. I think you jump too hastily from this sentence to the dialogue, you could have added a short transition, like "Illyana, (a description of her appearance, feature, etc.)" and then she speaks.

I noticed that in the first chapter you talk about how you are in the 21st century and the technology is not that advanced yet. Here in the chapter you can clearly see that there is wifi and laptops. That irritated me a bit and I think there could have been a comment on what exactly is meant by this limited technology. I thought at the beginning that you had confused the 21st century with the 22nd century. Have I misunderstood something?

It's a very interesting and exciting idea to switch perspectives between the characters. But you always have to be careful that you don't fall too much into one of the main characters and adopt his language and his thought processes.
Especially here, I find that Jon resembles Gray, the narrator of the last chapter, in many aspects. So it's important that you at least try to give Jon a very specific character. Especially at the beginning, I find it a little disappointing that Jon seems so cold after Gray tells the headmaster what happened to Karloline. Since it was mentioned in the previous chapter that Jon has a crush on Karloline, I would have expected a little more there, or at least a tear shed.
What I love is how Jon (and also Gray in the previous chapter) address the reader. It might not be every reader's thing, but I think for the story it gives a very successful image.

In summary, I like the way you add new characters and move the plot forward, but at the same time I think you can still expand on the personalities of the different characters if they are still relevant to the progression of the story. So far I enjoy the story and I'm curious to see how it will continue and what role everyone will play.

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.





i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper
— looseleaf