The crowd cheered as the armoured man was thrown across the arena, sand, dust and grit kicking up from the impact of the landing. The man, clad in Mandalorian armour, got to his feet, holding a sword, which had been with him for most of his time free from the Republic, in his right hand, the blade glinting and gleaming across its curved blade in the sunlight. Unfazed and, relatively, unharmed from the throw, he raises his sword to the sky, pacing back and forth, calling forth more cheers, the crowd eager to see the fight continuing.
Out of nowhere, a furry fist brought the man’s attention back to the fight, his own reflexes causing it to miss by mere centimeters. Jumping back to give himself some room, he faces his opponent, a Wookie. One aided by cybernetic enhancements, whether voluntary or otherwise it mattered little. Feet spread out to give him a solid base, his sword held in two hands at head height, parallel to the ground; a defensive stance, waiting for his opponents move.
A roar signals the incoming offensive as the Wookie charges forward, arms outstretched to either side to give him momentum for his strikes. A right hook followed by a left. However, the man was no longer there, weaving in and out of the punches, getting into the Wookie’s guard, the determination etched onto his face behind the helmet. Even those from the crowd could feel it emanating from him. A slash across the Wookie’s stomach, spraying blood onto the floor and staining his blade, followed up by upwards cut, staggering the behemoth of an enemy. Pressing the offensive, the apparent Mandalorian swings downwards, using the momentum from his previous attack to bolster the new one, to sever the Wookie’s right arm from its body only to find it lodged inside, and completely stuck. Even as he was cursing at his overzealous assault, he found himself facing a vice-like grip around his neck before being lifted off of his feet. Worst of all, his own offensive hadn't disabled his opponents arm. The worst was yet to come.
Pain. White hot pain.
Blood sprays into the air and onto the floor as the Wookie throws aside his opposition’s right arm. Letting out a roar of anger and suffering, he nearly blacks out. Memories flash in his mind. His future plays out in his eyes, his loved ones, friends, and family, all of those who depend on him. His own life would be over but for those that cared; their grief would be forever in their hearts, he would become merely a memory.
As his life begins to ebb and fade, he does what he has done so many times, what has saved his life countless times. Tapping into his anger, sixteen years of suppressed rage, he becomes fully conscious, his senses heightened. Using his only available arm, he grabs the hilt of his trapped sword and pulls, his anger augmenting his strength, it successfully being ripped out of the Wookie, an angry growl as pain courses through where the sword entered. Pulling his sword back and gritting his teeth, he slices at the Wookie’s head, sending the top of it away in a red mist.
The Wookie, along with the crowd, dies down, its growls slowly becoming more and more inaudible as its grip on his throat loosens, dropping the armoured man. The Wookie itself falls to its knees and onto its back, blood seeping onto the floor. Breathing heavily, the victor raises his sword again, reigniting the cheers from before. However, tapping into his anger along with blood loss have taken their toll. His vision begins to darken, his head pounding, consciousness slowly leaving his body. He falls to his knees, using the sword for support before fading entirely, his own blood mixing with all of those who had bled for these games. Yet, even as he lost the last of his senses, the crowd continued to cheer his surname, in honour of his victory:
“Domast! Domast! Domast! Domast!”
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140,539 Literary Works • 673,409 Reviews
This story was extremely enjoyable to read. It was nice reading about gladiator combat in the Star Wars universe. It brought me back to playing the first knight of the old republic where you had to battle in the arena on Taris. Good work, would love to see the story play out in some sort of tournament. I didn't see anything glaringly wrong with the story when I was reading it.
This story is quite enjoyable. It took me a moment to remember what a Mandalorian was but that's simply because I was expecting gladiators, not Star Wars characters. Very interesting how you mixed the two, unless your inspiration came from something else? The Hunger Games, perhaps? There was one thing that bothered my brain whilst reading this, and that was your constant use of commas. I'll admit, I overuse commas a lot as well, but in the first paragraph where it says:
That just... That's a lot of commas.
Something that would actually contribute to your writing, though, is fixing this piece:
You don't need the commas surrounding "relatively". In fact, I think that the sentence would flow much more smoothly if you had written it without them.
But commas and such aside, this was a very interesting story and I really enjoyed it. I'm currently trying to figure out if I like the term "red mist", for spraying blood, or not.
8/10 would read more parts.
It is a very interesting piece of work, I am a big gladiator/Arena battle fan, the scene is eloquently described from third person perspective which for me is very hard to do, the one thing I have noticed though is the switching between past and present tenses, that is not the biggest crime in the World, every writer does it, however if you play the sentences in your head over and over again you will see these, love the ending, very Spartacus in style gory climax, nonetheless great job.
Alright, big gladiator fan I am.
Ok, first thing I'm seeing is that your switching between past and present tense. You need to pick one and stick with it. I do this all the time but a good look over fixes that quick.
"...crowd eager to see the fight continuing." it should be continue. Continuing doesn't make sense in this sentence.
"...whether voluntary or otherwise it mattered little." you should have a comma after "otherwise" You should also describe the enhancements. Like is it a bionic leg, arm, etc.
"Pain. White hot pain." You don't need to have these in bold. Italics work better. Same goes for the last sentence.
That's all I can find for this. Hope I didn't sound too harsh. Scify out!
Show us. This is telling. Use the sense. The deafening roar of the crowd. The lusty din of the crowd's cheers. First sentence should take us captive until you're ready to release us from your world.
Gigantic run-on sentence. Cut it in half.
Definitely not out of nowhere. The guy is a battle-hardened warrior. Ever aware. Never caught daydreaming, especially when his life is on the line.
Fragment, even with the following part.
This is super, super vague and a little confusing. Clean it up, explain whose arm is doing what - cause up until now you've focused on the Mandalorian, but then you switch to the Wookie's point of view. Focus on the human's pain, not the actions of the Wookie.
From here, the whole piece gets muddled with sloppy sentence structure and vague action. Try to be specific in your writing - use the five senses to describe what's going on, rather than simply telling us what's happening.
Notes:
- You're comma crazy. You can trim a few of them and it'll read much smoother.
- A defensive stance usually involves keeping your blade between your enemy and your body. Parallel to the ground above your head is neither an efficient striking pose nor a defensive one. It is, however, super flashy and something you'd see in a video game.
- Choose a tense. You switch between present and past at will - clean it up.
- Basic punctuation errors; a quick read through will find them.
- Why do we care? If the answer is simply "root for the human," I think you need to reevaluate how race works in the universe.
I like the idea, and I like Star Wars. If you clean it up, and perhaps expand on it, you could have a successful piece here.