Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
The flight to Coruscant had been an agonising, yet silent experience as he hurtled to the planet in his D5-Mantis. Kaerex had just wanted the job to be over as quickly as possible, all too aware that he would be leaving his pregnant girlfriend to the mercy of Nar Shaddaa. Yet, the thoughts had subsided as he knew she could handle herself. After all, agents of the Empire had that sort of training. It was only as he was in Coruscants orbit, that he reviewed the contract he had set out here for. Mel’qeb the Hutt was hiring the best bounty hunters the galaxy had to offer. And so, here he was, trying to break out an assassin who could be of use to the mass of slime and grease.
Setting down had been easier than anticipated. Not for the first time, Kaerex thanked his friends up high in the Senate. Now, it was just a matter of finding the prison and, working alongside Arón and Xiao’tsi, breaking the assassin known as Jen’gar out. He wasn’t happy about this, but situations had become desperate, and he needed the credits. Morals had to be sidelined this time.
A considerable amount of time was spent weaving in and out of the traffic on Coruscant. Nothing new there. However, the prison finally came into view. Flying high up over the prison in a ‘borrowed’ taxi, Kaerex stood up and looked down, the wind battering him and threatening to knock him off. Not that it particularly worried him. He had already decided his plan of action. And so, he jumped.
Everything was silent, except for the sound of the wind lashing against his helmet as he plummeted head-first down to the prison. As the ground came up to meet him, he spread out, slowing his descent, before activating his jetpack, his descent slowing dramatically before landing with a thud and falling onto one knee, dust and grit kicking up around him. Surveying the area showed him that he was in a courtyard of some kind, probably where the prisoners were free to do physical activities and the sort. However, despite the courtyard being devoid of all prisoners, probably all back in their cells, his entrance had not gone unnoticed. Two guards, both young looking, raised their rifles and proceeded to walk towards him, their aim shaky, and their breathing heavy.
“Who...who are you...?” One of the guards asks, barely able to keep his rifle aimed on Kaerex.
“Doesn’t matter, shoot him!” The other shouts. “Alert the others!”
Showtime.
Drawing his slug throwers and aiming one at each guard, Kaerex fires sending the one ordered the alert flying backwards, a gaping hole in his chest, blood decorating the floor of where he lands. The more scared guard would turn around, the top half of his head having been splattered into oblivion as he then falls down onto the ground, spraying blood like a fountain on the floor. He reloads his pistols before raising a hand to his helmet, activating the communications link in it.
“I’m in position. Get moving.” He says, before moving inside the prison, emerging into a brightly lit room, with little cover and two other exits, to his left and right. Quiet...too quiet, he thinks before a group of five guards emerge from one of the exits, rifles at the ready. Weaving to his right, calling upon his force sensitivity to increase his speed, he guns them down, the shots from the guards missing, their inexperience and fear with someone like him coming into play. Soon, the guards either lay dead or dying, yet they were of no significance. Powering on, he would approach the exit on the left, the door sliding to show him what was on the other side. A hooded figure, male, is what met him, wielding a... lightsaber. Jedi! Being thrown backwards, he landed on the floor with a thud, the air forced out of his lungs. Recovering quickly however, he jumps back up onto his feet and switches his slug throwers for his sonic blasters, mounted in holsters at the base of his back, before twirling them around his fingers and aiming at the Jedi and firing a volley of sonic bolts at him. Caught off guard by the unexpected weapon, the Jedi takes an initial hit before using tutaminis to dissipate the rest of the bolts. Cracking an amused grin underneath his helmet, Kaerex holsters his main hand blaster and rests a hand on his vibrosword, mounted in a sheath, sporting a trigger and guard, attached to his belt. Keeping the Jedi on the defensive with a hail of bolts, he advances forward, before, when in range, he throws his pistol aside before pressing the trigger on his sheath with his left hand, causing the blade to shoot out at a near instant speed. It connects with the Jedi’s saber, cutting it in half and sending the pieces flying, before using his momentum to twirl away from the Jedi and, unholstering his offhand slug thrower in one fluid motion, aims at the Jedi before firing, catching him directly between the eyes. Flicking the blood off of his sword, he then sheathes it before pulling his offhand sonic blaster to him and holsters it. I think I’ve drawn more than enough attention, He thinks as he hears footsteps originating from the exit he was originally intending to go through.
Walking back out into the courtyard, he activates his jetpack and flies up onto the roof. Finding the spot required he raises his hand to his communications link again.
“Get over here.” He says to Arón’s co-pilot. And, soon enough, he maneuvers the ship over the place specified. Placing explosives onto a single point on the roof, Kaerex flies backwards a bit, before shooting it with his sonic blaster, the explosion creating a big gap into the roof. Looking down into it, he sees Xiao’tsi, Arón and another companion of theirs. Jen’gar.
“Come on already!” Kaerex shouts.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hiya!
Star Wars, kewl.
Suggest starting with the character name, so we know immediately who "he" is.
Even if she can handle herself, this is still a bit cold. Could you show more of his emotions here?
Missed apostrophe.
I'm not at all versed in the Star Wars EU, but even if these characters are canon, could you add in a hint about who they are to help out your other readers?
Is he not happy about working with the other guys, or about breaking out the assassin?
Could you add some description in here? We don't even know if it's day or night. Can you set the scene and add some atmosphere? Heavy clouds, the driving rain making it difficult to navigate? A weak sun so low on the horizon it's blinding? What's the rest of the traffic like?
This is the first mention of a borrowed taxi.
Why are they so freaked out? Does Kaerex look particularly scary? If it's because they're both young and new, isn't very inefficient of their boss to put them together on the same shift?
There should be a small letter on "one". Also, you're suddenly in present tense?
Again, should be a small letter on "the". When you have dialogue with a tag (like "he said"), you always begin the tag with a small letter, and if, you don't have something like a question or exclamation mark, you end the dialogue itself with a comma.
This is a bit old. Could you find something a bit more original for him to say/think?
Added in a comma after "fires", and "who" before "ordered". I would suggest delete "of where".
The action is a bit backwards in this sentence. You've got the guard turning around, then his head coming off, then falling - it's a bit cluttered. Could you split this up?
The last "he" you referred to was the scared guard, so this makes it sound like he's the one reloading.
End the dialogue with a comma, and start the tag with a small letter. This is quite a long sentence, including the dialogue. Could you break it up? Short sentences are good because they help create tension, which could be great for a scene like this.
Just saying "soon" is boring! I want blood and guts!
Why "he would approach"? This makes it sound like someone is describing his potential movements, but we're in the story so he either approaches or he doesn't.
Same with thoughts, you need to start the tag (in this case "he thinks") with a small letter.
Comma and small letter. Also suggest saying who the co-pilot is.
Saying Jen'gar is their companion makes it sound like he really is their companion, like someone also along for the ride.
---
So this is pretty cool! You've got a lot of action scenes, and they're very clear and easy to picture. Your writing is solid, and you pace things pretty well.
I did think this was a bit lacking in description. Pretty much everyone has a good idea of what places in the Star Wars worlds look like, but we don't know the fine details of those places in this exact moment that the story is taking place. That's where your details come in, showing us the weather, the feel, the colour, the details that make it real and vivid.
I didn't get a great idea of Kaerex's character. The pregnant girlfriend is a good detail that makes him real, more than just a hired gun, but that's glossed over, and he doesn't think about her at all. I'm not saying he should be tearing up and going "aw my sweet bae I totes hope she makes it" while he's in the middle of a fight (*eye roll*), but she's the only real detail about his backstory that we're given. Pretty much all of his actions during the chapter are pretty standard actions - shoot, fight, be sardonic. None of this thoughts or dialogue are that original, so it's hard to see who he is as a person. What makes him different from any other prison breakers? What makes him different from Aron and Xiao'tsi, for example? They're all different people, so we need to feel their personalities.
PM me if you have any questions.
-twit
Alright, not bad. I'm not the biggest Star Wars fan but I like it as much as the next guy.
"...assassin known as Jen’gar out." I would put a comma after "assassin" and another after "Jen'gar".
"Nothing new there. However, the prison finally came into view." The first sentence here isn't a full sentence. You should put "Nothing new there; however, the prison finally came into view."
"Showtime." I see what you were trying to do but it doesn't have to be bolded or in its own paragraph. Put in italics and make it a sentence in the following paragraph.
That's all I can see. Not bad at all my friend. Scify out!