Carry Me Home Chapter 1

I like chapter 1 it really got my attention. Most books I read takes a long time for me to actually get interested in. Not yours though, I'll read chapter two tomorrow.

Hey there Ty!

First of all, thank you for the request!
Second, here's a quote from the WRFF thread

Forum rules
1. Only two review requests every few days.
2. Be considerate. Before requesting a review, write a few reviews yourself.
3. Return the favor. If someone reviews your work, review theirs.
4. If creating a new request thread, be specific about what you will review.

He wasn’t supposed to be here. My legs pressed against the back of the couch as he continued to come closer, making my skin crawl.
He asked me why I didn’t wait for him longer. He said he loved me.
I scoffed and glared. I told him that he didn’t know what love was. I told him that I had moved on and found someone else during the seven months that he had decided that I wasn’t good enough.
He shoved me down, the remote digging into my back. He pressed his mouth to mine. I tried to feel something for just a moment; tried to remember how it felt to kiss someone. But the rugged passion and the heat that used to burst through me was gone. I felt nothing. I squirmed under his touch, trying to pull away, to cry out. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. My teeth rattled as my head slammed against wood. Warmth exploded in my skull and I closed my eyes, holding the memory of the boy I love, to the light.

Part One
Chapter One
The sun fell down across my pale skin, making me shiver and turn away to find shade of some sort. I pulled down the hood of my jacket, which only made me all the warmer, and continued to walk. I couldn’t help but smile though. It had been months since I had seen my best friend Laynie, and now it was just a few short minutes before I’d spend two weeks with her. However, it had been an even longer time since I had seen Jonah, my other best friend. I winced as I thought about him, and the pain that radiated through my stomach tied me in knots.
Jonah and I were never ones to be pegged as best friends. He had been friends with the boy that I had spent two years of my life with.
I remember the day that I first met Jonah in James’ bed room. Jonah had come over to meet me, along with the rest of James’s closest friends. The second Jonah walked into view my eyes couldn’t leave him, just as his couldn’t leave me. I tried to turn away, to turn my attention to my boyfriend instead of this stranger, but the smile that was plastered on Jonah’s face took my breath away. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever known before.
James was a musician; he was a guitarist in a mediocre band when he himself was more than mediocre. He had the dark hair, the earring, and the skinny jeans. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. When he didn’t hate me he loved me with more intensity than I had ever known.
Jonah was everything else, everything that I couldn’t dream about. I loved James, but this Jonah had such a hold on me in that moment that I clung with full force to my love for James and tried to keep my mouth shut as much as possible.
Jonah was a drummer, blonde hair and broad shoulders, bright blue green eyes and a smile that made me melt every time. He played for our small group. James and I were sitting on the futon, wrapped around each other. James hugged me, but I watched over his shoulder, watching Jonah’s hands, watching him watch me with an intense gaze. He didn’t take his eyes off of me, didn’t miss a beat. He serenaded me with that grin of his and the hands that pounded their way into my heart with each thud on the snare drum. I wasn’t the only one he had affected. From the last update I had gotten from Laynie, Jonah had a girlfriend.
I cringed a little at thinking of James. Instead I continued to think about Jonah and pretended that he didn’t have a girlfriend that was destined to hate me as I paced back and forth in front of my house.
“Is she here yet?” my mom yelled from the doorway, her voice hoarse and raspy from too many cigarettes. The tar coated her lungs, wrapping around her like a constricting snake.
“Not yet.” I said back, clutching my bag to my chest.
My mom didn’t answer me again and instead slammed the door behind her as she went inside. I rolled my eyes.
I looked down at my shoes, kicking small stones across the concrete when I heard the roar of the Chum Buggy coming down the road. I squealed excitedly and walked to the road since you ended the last line that same way, I would change this to something like ‘I squealed excitedly and went to greet her‘ . Laynie was jumping up and down in her seat excitedly you used ‘excitedly‘ in the previous sentence so use something else. , her hands clapping together violently until she was forced to put her hands back on the wheel. She pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. She jumped and screamed and ran to me. I dropped my bag and met her in a tight, jumping embrace.
“Tide! I missed you I missed you.” She squealed and pulled back. “I would love love love to say a thousand times that I missed you but I have a surprise and we need to get back to my house soon.”
“Surprise? What surprise? I like surprises.” I said happily.
“I can’t tell you comma silly. But you’re going to love it. I can promise you that you’ll absolutely love it.” She grinned.
We got into the Chum Buggy and continued on our way back to the town that I had called my home only a year ago. Williamsburg.
“How have you been, Tide?” Laynie jumped up and down again.
“Pretty good, tired mostly. I wrote a new song!” I answered.
This was the usual routine, catch up on what’s been going on for a little bit and then pull out the music. Laynie and I were music-crazed; it was always on our minds, whether it was a popular song on the radio, the ticking of a clock, or songs that we created ourselves.
“I hear?” she asked, turning off the radio and listening intently before I began.
“Okay.” I laughed a little and then closed my eyes, pulling myself together from the inside. I began to sing, holding on to each sweet mournful note of the opening line. The beginning was soft, like melting ice cream, smooth and rich. The line ended and I smiled, knowing what her reaction would be when I ended the silence between the verses. I yelled, the notes flying from my lips, loud and emotion filled. I closed my eyes, letting each note resonate through me as I continued to fill the car with my words, my heart. Everything that I had felt… everything that hurt me, poured out of me, seeping onto the leather dashboard and cushioned seats. The first verse ended with a scream and then fell into a soft opening chorus. I could hear all of the harmonies that I wanted, all of them dancing in my head, and then the crescendo began to build again, the music swelling in my chest and then bursting through the flood gates. I sang each verse, each chorus, chocked full of what I was, what I felt. And then it ended, my chest heaving and my eyes closed, a small smile on my face.
Laynie didn’t have to say anything. She knew what I felt because she had felt it as I sang. She didn’t have to say anything, so she didn’t. She just smiled.

Hey there! I'm here to stalk your novel

tydecker777 wrote:Carry Me Home

To Lyn-z and Jaecob,
Because I cannot express my love to either of you
any other way
Prologue
He wasn’t supposed to be here. My legs pressed against the back of the couch as he continued to come closer, making my skin crawl. I don't know why, but this description sounds a little off to me.
He asked me why I didn’t wait for him longer. He said he loved me.
I scoffed and glared. I told him that he didn’t know what love was. I told him that I had moved on and found someone else during the seven months that he had decided that I wasn’t good enough.
He shoved me down, the remote digging into my back. He pressed his mouth to mine. I tried to feel something for just a moment; tried to remember how it felt to kiss someone. But the rugged passion and the heat that used to burst through me was gone. I felt nothing. I squirmed under his touch, trying to pull away, to cry out. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me. My teeth rattled as my head slammed against wood. Warmth exploded in my skull and I closed my eyes, holding the memory of the boy I loved, to the light.
I think that this needs to be past tense.
Part One
Chapter One
The sun fell down across my pale skin, making me shiver and turn away, looking for shade of some sort. I pulled down the hood of my jacket, which only made me all the warmer, and continued to walk. I couldn’t help but smile though. It had been months since I had seen my best friend Laynie, and now it was just a few short minutes before I’d spend two weeks with her. Since then you have given us no indication of her being in a happy mood. Try to show not tell. However, it had been an even longer time since I had seen Jonah, my other best friend. I winced as I thought about him, and the pain that radiated through my stomach tied me in knots. Maybe say something more along the lines of 'my stomach was tied in knots.' At the moment it sounds a little strange.Jonah and I were never ones to be pegged as best friends. He had been friends with the boy that I had spent two years of my life with.
I remember the day that I first met Jonah in James’ bed room. Jonah had come over to meet me, along with the rest of James’s closest friends. The second Jonah walked into view my eyes couldn’t leave him, just as his couldn’t leave me. I tried to turn away, to turn my attention to my boyfriend instead of this stranger, but the smile that was plastered on Jonah’s face took my breath away. He wasn’t like anyone I had ever known before. This is a big info dump. Try to separate your ideas a little more/.James was a musician; he was a guitarist in a mediocre band when he himself was more than mediocre. He had the dark hair, the earring, and the skinny jeans. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. When he didn’t hate me he loved me with more intensity than I had ever known.
Jonah was everything else, everything that I couldn’t dream about. I loved James, but this Jonah had such a hold on me in that moment that I clung with full force to my love for James and tried to keep my mouth shut as much as possible. Again, you need more separation.
Jonah was a drummer, blonde hair and broad shoulders, bright blue green eyes and a smile that made me melt every time. He played for our small group. James and I were sitting on the futon, wrapped around each other. We need some indication as to when this was. James hugged me, but I watched over his shoulder, watching Jonah’s hands, watching him watch me with an intense gaze. He didn’t take his eyes off of me, didn’t miss a beat. He serenaded me with that grin of his and the hands that pounded their way into my heart with each thud on the snare drum. I wasn’t the only one he had affected. From the last update I had gotten from Laynie, Jonah had a girlfriend.
I cringed a little at the thought of James ( I just reworded a little here. . Instead I continued to think about Jonah and pretended that he didn’t have a girlfriend that was destined to hate me as I paced back and forth in front of my house. Run-on sentence.
“Is she here yet?” my mom yelled from the doorway, her voice hoarse and raspy from too many cigarettes. The tar coated her lungs, wrapping around her like a constricting snake.
“Not yet.” I said back, clutching my bag to my chest.
My mom didn’t answer me again I think this would sound better as didn’t reply. and instead slammed the door behind her as she went inside. I rolled my eyes.
I looked down at my shoes, kicking small stones across the concrete when I heard the roar of the Chum Buggy coming down the road. I squealed excitedly and walked to the road. Laynie was jumping up and down in her seat excitedly, her hands clapping together violently until she was forced to put her hands back on the wheel. She pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. She jumped and screamed and ran to me. I dropped my bag and met her in a tight, jumping embrace.
“Tide! I missed you I missed you.” She squealed and pulled back. “I would love love love to say a thousand times that I missed you but I have a surprise and we need to get back to my house soon.” Why would she say it a thousand times? This seems strange, maybe introduce the surprise in another way.
“Surprise? What surprise? I like surprises.” I said happily. Try to use a different adjective?
“I can’t tell you silly.! But you’re going to love it. I can promise you that you’ll absolutely love it.” She grinned.
We got into the Chum Buggy and continued on our way back to the town that I had called my home only a year ago. Williamsburg.
“How have you been, Tide?” Laynie jumped up and down again.
“Pretty good, tired mostly. But I wrote a new song!” I answered.
This was the usual routine, catch up on what’s been going on for a little bit and then pull out the music. Laynie and I were music-crazed; it was always on our minds, whether it was a popular song on the radio, the ticking of a clock, or songs that we created ourselves.
“I hear?” she asked, turning off the radio and listening intently before I began.
“Okay.” I laughed a little and then closed my eyes, pulling myself together from the inside. I began to sing, holding on to each sweet mournful note of the opening line. The beginning was soft, like melting ice cream, smooth and rich. The line ended and I smiled, knowing what her reaction would be when I ended the silence between the verses. I yelled, the notes flying from my lips, loud and emotion filled. I closed my eyes, letting each note resonate through me as I continued to fill the car with my words, my heart. Everything that I had felt… everything that hurt me, poured out of me, seeping onto the leather dashboard and cushioned seats. The first verse ended with a scream and then fell into a soft opening chorus. I could hear all of the harmonies that I wanted, all of them dancing in my head, and then the crescendo began to build again, the music swelling in my chest and then bursting through the flood gates. I sang each verse, each chorus, chocked full of what I was, what I felt. And then it ended, my chest heaving and my eyes closed, a small smile on my face.
Laynie didn’t have to say anything. She knew what I felt because she had felt it as I sang. She didn’t have to say anything, so she didn’t. She just smiled. Beautiful description.

I agree with thatoddkid about the grammatical errors.

Overall, this chapter is engrossing. The descriptions are fantastic. I really did want to read more especially at this part:

But the rugged passion and the heat that used to burst through me was gone. I felt nothing.

once again I am starstruck with your talent! I have nothing to say as most of it has been said by others and in my review of your second chapter Bravo!

Let's get started... I've been waiting to review this for forever.

He asked me why I didn’t wait for him longer, he said he loved me.

I scoffed and glared, I told him that he didn’t know what love was. I told him that I had moved on and found someone else during the seven months that he had decided that I wasn’t good enough.

He pressed his mouth to mine. I tried to feel something for just a moment. I felt nothing.

I winced as I thought about him and the pain that radiated through my stomach tied me in knots.

I remember that first day that I met Jonah in James’s bed room.

He had the dark hair, the earring, and the skinny jeans. He was everything I had ever dreamed of.

When he didn’t hate me he loved me with more intensity than I had ever known.

James hugged me to him, but I watched over his shoulder, watching Jonah’s hands, watching him watch me with an intense gaze beaming at me.

Laynie and I were music crazed; it was always on our minds whether it is a popular song on the radio, the ticking of a clock, or songs that we created ourselves.

“I hear?” she asked, turning off the radio and listening intently to the silence before I began.

I began to sing, holding on to each sweet mournful note of the opening line. The beginning was soft, like melting ice cream, smooth and rich. The line ended and I smiled, knowing what her reaction would be when I ended the silence between the verses. I yelled, the notes flying from my lips, loud and emotion filled. I closed my eyes, letting each note resonate through me as I continued to fill the car with my words, my heart. Everything that I had felt… everything that hurt me, poured out of me, seeping onto the leather dashboard and cushioned seats. The first verse ended with a scream and then fell into a soft opening chorus. I could hear all of the harmonies that I wanted, all of them dancing in my head, and then the crescendo began to build again, the music swelling in my chest and then bursting through the flood gates. I sang each verse, each chorus, chocked full of what I was, what I felt.

She knew what I felt because she had felt it too as I sang.

She didn’t have to say anything, so she didn’t. She just smiled.

Hey,
This was great! I was totally engrossed! Thumbs up!

@ Alliaaryn, THANK YOU. I was so flustered trying to put breaks and parting chapters that I made stupid mistakes, haha. Thanks for catching that =]
@ Hollow, thanks =] I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Wow, this was great!
It really got my attention. I liked the descriptions, how the background information wasn't just thrown at me, and how you DIDN'T start with

Hi, I'm Tide.

@ Alliaaryn, THANK YOU. I was so flustered trying to put breaks and parting chapters that I made stupid mistakes, haha. Thanks for catching that =]

this was really good, i liked it

Hi,

Honey, epilouges are at the end. :] Prolouges are at the beginning.

Farewell,
A.