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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Twixt!
I think you might want to get rid of the first paragraph, if only because it didn't really catch me and your actual human story was a lot more riveting!
Instead of telling us that he's in space like that, just tell us why he's outside the ship. He's repairing something... what? Why? Is he with someone? Why does he have no form of communication with the inside? Why doesn't he come inside instead of staying out there? Can't he at least change the oxygen or have someone else do it, if he feels like he's about to die? So we need more information!
Also, the conclusion is a little weak. I expected more, but instead the entire point was that he thought space was terrifying. You need to add more, a physical reaction, maybe that doesn't have to do with him being an astronaut. So:
Jacob had never found it tranquil but now he found it terrifying. His eyes rolled up from the computer readouts to glance at space ahead of him. He rubbed his arms and shivered. Never had the darkness felt so lonely and oppressive. Never had the stars felt so distant and uncaring.
By doing these little things that really are not necessary, that's showing us how he's doing. And that's a good thing to know.
Good luck!
This sucked me in, if only for the panic the character felt in space. So often you see characters in space finding it calming, or loving the stars or something. Very nice difference from the norm here and it is all the more effective for it. This story struck home with me and my irrational fear of wide, exposed spaces.
The metaphor sort of fell apart for me here and all due to a stupid scientific technicality: insects have six limbs. I know that it's sort of irrelevant to the point you are trying to make, but that is what threw me off. Perhaps remove the reference to the number of legs?
All in all, I loved this. Quite fear-inducing and very tense.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
Hello Twixt!
For my part, you are really talented and don't lose your flair for description. Yes, your descriptions are really good, though I found it difficult to understand what this story is about and is happening with Jacob. I suppose You need to continue it anyway.
For any further help or advice feel free to address me!
Maria