I was watching the Dirty Little Secret music video by All American Rejects. In the music video they hold up signs telling peoples dirty little secrets. One of them read "I tried to commit suicide three years ago. People think I am happy now, but I still want to die." I started thinking on how this person's life would be like. This is the beginning of the story I thought of. Hope you like. 
I know it's short, I was in a hurry.
I stood standing by the window. Rain was pouring out side. It fit my mood perfectly. It had been another day. I had gone o school. My face had been a mask of pure happiness. She had said every thing perfectly. Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her. The other kids told the new kids about her. She was literally alone. Her friends acted odd around her.
If she didn't get every thing perfect her parents would yell at her. She constantly searched for another way out. The last one had been three years ago. She had cut her wrists. Her parents had found her on the floor bleeding to death. They had gotten to the hospital to fast. In other words, before she died.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy....well this is an interesting one. The idea that you mention earlier is certainly quite a powerful short story idea that you've tried to explore there and while I don't quite see how it would be possibly to really do it too much justice in such a short form, you can still do a lot. However right of the bat the execution here isn't great. For starters right at the start it seems to be confusing the POV a bit because it goes from first person to third person halfway and besides what seems like the POV of someone who might be a bit of a social outcast and is trying to hide it we don't really get a full sense of what you're aiming for here.
Aaand well the ending there links back quite nicely there to the whole situation that you're trying to aim for here. It does showcase a powerful demonstration of that feeling you were trying to aim for earlier according to that idea, but then at this point its too little too late, this honestly works a lot better if this was closer to the opening to set a tone. At this point it seems a little disjointed and while its a bit powerful on its own as part of this piece it just sort of creates a bigger mess there. Overall, this one needs a bit of work right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like the introduction better. The introduction had a good start, a believable voice, and it sounded a lot more interesting. As soon as you got to the actual story, the style suddenly went downhill. I think you're under the impression that as soon as you write a story, it should sound as dry and dull as possible. But that's not the case.
The main reason why this piece doesn't seem so strong is that the character doesn't seem to believable. Next time, ask yourself some questions. If you were suicidal, etc., and wanted to kill yourself, but didn't want anyone to know, how would you feel? What would you do?
Think about what your characters will do, and you'll be a great writer someday.
You have potential there. A lot of my own crits have already been said - particularly by Shriek (apologies if I have your name wrong =P). Hmm... Try like they said to place in a little more description. Apart from rain, what might the weather be like? Is it dark? Early afternoon or late? Evening would, in my opinion, add to the aura of the story. The getting on towards darkness, maybe her not having turned a light on yet and her face shrouded by shadows. But I think that's pretty darn good. =D Keep writing. <3
You need to use conjunctions for the first paragraph. The sentences are too short, which makes it feel like I'm reading in stop and go traffic. The short sentences are a result of sentence fragments, which are a big no-no in description, they are barely acceptable for dialog.
Even if you had not said you were in a rush, I would have got it.
It has a lot of potential to become a good story and I can tell you could make it into one, but yes, it could use a bit more time.
Too much passive voice; "had been" is usually quite unnecessary and detracts from the power of the piece.
Anyways, the rushing shows. There are words misspelled, and the sentence structure is very awkward. I really like the idea you're striving for, but spend more time developing that idea.
Not the best way to start off a story. Stood and standing are the same word, except in a different form. Try something along the lines of "I stood beside the freezing window pane" or something along those lines. Throw in some description, pull me into your story!
Your sentence structure is very simple. Subject verb adjective period. Try throwing a little complex sentences in there.
For example: Instead of
try combining them into "She felt alone even among friends--they were always acting so odd around her."
Keep trying! It was a nice start.
It isn't good when it is rushed, it could be MUCH better if you took your time. I see your talents, you could do a whole lot more better.
no she was explaining the mask as being "she" or w/e. You rushed this like hell. Try again. And don't do that cliched "rain matching mood" thing cuz trust me, it's been done a thousand times before.
It has potential though. Definate, definate potential.
When a guy tried to commit suicide three years ago, they only were careful around him for a year
1st to 3rd person?
You shouldn't rush a story... That's like a totally bad thing to do unless it's due in 30 seconds...
"Still after three tears the teachers were careful around her."
Metophor or spelling error? Yeah, proves you were in a hurry.
I like that music video.
I hate my fiance's cat, she's evil and I know it.
Good job otherwise...