I crept along the corridor in the shadows. I had every part of me covered but my eyes. The door was open. A soft glow came from the fire place inside. I entered silently. Before the old man could blink a knife bloomed out of his throat. The secret was almost gone now. I took the knife and wiped it on his shirt. I took out a piece of paper and stuck it to the chair next to his head. I left quickly after wards.
When the guard had come to check on the man he found him dead on the floor with a knife sticking out of the chair next to his head. He called the investigators.
When Investigator Larson came he found the note at the end of the knife. He opened it and read it.
Memories can kill as easily as any weapon.
That was all it said. He looked at it puzzled. Maybe the man had seen something he shouldn’t have. Or he was just a victim of a killer, but some how he thought it was something more. The job had been to well done. The killer had gotten past the most sophisticated technology to get here. Only a trained professional of amazing skills could have gotten past. It was thought that that machine had been impossible to pass, but here some one had come and beat it with apparent ease. He looked at the note again and noticed something. On the bottom corner there was a drop of water or some other liquid. He called over Investigator Wilson and showed it to him. They quickly sent it to the laboratory.
I stood and looked out over the ocean. A memory began to come to mind. I quickly fought it down, but a face still came to my minds eye. He had kind grey eyes and fine, blond hair. It was Thomas’s face. I went inside the house. The phone rang. I picked it up.
“I have a job for you,” the voice on the other end of the line said.
It was Larson the leader of the supposedly good side.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Roald,” He said.
“So he is trying to take over,” I said.
“That is not your business,” he said grumpily.
“Bye,” I said knowing he had already hung up.
I turned and walked to the next room. It was sparsely furnished except for a bed, and drawers. I grabbed my suitcase. I quickly packed it. I knew Roald he had been an old friend of Thomas. For all he knew I was dead, but he couldn‘t stay out of trouble could he. Well everyone in the government knew me as the person to finish the job but nothing more. I was supposedly perfect because I had no conscience. Even if Roald ever heard my voice he wouldn’t recognize me. A memory came. I wasn’t able to keep it down. Thomas’s face was smiling and laughing. Wisps of my hair blew across my face. I was laughing as well. Roald was next to him looking quiet serious, or at least trying to. He was doing a perfect imitation of Principal Carson. Before it would have brought tears to my eyes, but I had become harder now. It was a long time ago. You accept it and move on, but sometimes you had to remember to learn from your memories or to know who to silence so that your secrets were never known. That was my specialty now, making people silent.
I went and quickly bought some airline tickets. I quickly stopped and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was pulled out of my face with several wisps hanging out. I wore a hooded sweater with “I Love Soccer” written on it. My pants were loose and baggy making them comfortable. I chose the passport that said my name was Marie Anne Glen.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ahoy!
STUFF YOU DID WELL:
- The line that was on the end of the blade about memories was very cool. It definitely had a mysterious feel to it.
- You've got some cool names! Roald, Larson...I know it's only two, but they're pretty creative compared to your run-of-the-mill 'Bob' and 'Sally'.
STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:
- Combine some sentences! Flow is imperative when you're trying to build suspense- it helps the reader to move along the page faster (making their heart speed up and so on).
- Explain what made the machine 'impossible to get past'. When we're talking about the world's most mysterious murder, we want to know all we can about this killer and their ingeniousness.
- Separate between your perspective switch. Somewhere you go from first to third person- split them apart! Usually I'd tell you not to change your narrative like that, but it worked pretty well for this story.
Hi, magicman here, and I think this has some real potential. Although it was a little confusing, I'm sure if you rework it a little it could turn into something really good.
The first sentence wasn't bad, you had a pretty good description of the character and where he was. But maybe you could describe his clothes a little more though, since "every part of me covered" could mean a few different things.
Which door? You know never told us about any door before, so how are we supposed to know where it is exactly? Is it at the end of the corridor, or at the character's side? You should introduce the door before saying that's it's open.
You did the same thing here. You act as if we already know that there is an old man inside the room. Before this sentence you should say something like, "An old man was sitting inside the room by the fire..." like that. That way we don't get confused about the actions in the story.
Also, "bloomed" out of his throat isn't the word I would use to describe a stabbing, you should probably go with something else.
This sentence seems to kind of jump out at you from nowhere. What secret are you talking about. Since you only mention it once in the story, it doesn't seem very relevant to everything that's happening.
Maybe it's just me, but these group of sentences sound kind of wierd. Maybe you should say
"I took the knife and wiped it on his shirt, sticking a piece of paper on the chair next to his head, and then left quickly afterwards."
You don't have to word it exactly like that, but it's just a suggestion.
You suddenly switch from first person to third person here. That's not good, it make the story terribly confusing and it just doesn't flow anymore. Either stick with third person or first person, don't use them interchangeably.
You should decribe this Larson fellow so we can get a chance to know him. If he's an important character you don't want it to seem at first that he's just a random investigator. Also, you should describe where they are exactly. Are they in a huge mansion, or just a small apartment. Where did this murder take place? We are left completely blank on all the details. All we know is that someone was murdered, but nothing else.
I absolutely loved this line. I thought it was a very thought provoking statement that sounded like it had some deep meaning. Don't change this part, it's really cool.
Ok, this part could use a little editing.
"That was all it said. He looked at it, puzzled. Maybe the man had seen something he shouldn’t have. Or maybe he was just a victim of a killer. But somehow Larson thought it was something more."
Hmm...this sentence isn't really needed, I would just take it out altogether.
What sophisticated technology? You really need to tell us more about the setting so we know why there had to be sophisticated technology there in the first place. You should also add that the technology was used for security because just because something's technologically advanced doesn't mean it stops killers.
I think you should take out the "amazing skills" since trained professional pretty much covers it.
"Only a trained professional [s]of amazing skills[/s] could have gotten past."
If you don't decribe to us exactly what you're talking about, it's kind of hard for us to imagine the machine as being impossible to pass.
The drop of liquid thing is interesting and I'm sure it could turn into a very good mystery, but I don't think you need to say it was a drop of water because it kind of throws people off. You should just put that it was a "drop of liquid".
Also you are using the word "He" way too much. Use his actual name once in a while because using the same pronoun all the time tends to get repetitive and confusing.
And this Wilson guy seems to come out of nowhere! You don't describe him and he doesn't even have any type of coversation with the Larson. You need to let us know who these people are. No one is going to read a story where the characters' names are the only piece of info the reader gets about them.
The way you suddenly switch viewpoints in the story is incredibly confusing. I had to read the story twice before realizing that you had switched to a different scene with different characters. If you are going to switch scenes, you should probably have a space or something to at least indicate that we are switching over to something else.
And remember, you should decide which viewpoint to use and make it constant throughout the story. It's really hard to read something that's in first and third person.
You should probably try to tie in who Thomas is and why this killer guy is connected to him. Also why is he trying to fight down this memory anyway?
You should read this aloud to yourself. Does it sound like it flows? If it doesn't, you should change it.
For example:
"As I entered the house, the phone began to ring. I went over to the counter and answered it."
Something like this would flow a little better than using quick sentences.
Where is his house anyway? YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE THE SETTING. If you don't we are completely left in the dark. Actions aren't enough to make a good story.
You neet to change the end tag on the diaologue becaus it's just too long.
"I have a job for you," said a voice over the phone.
This would sound a lot better.
You need to add a comma between "Larson" and "the".
Now this is the same Larson that was at the investigation? Why would he being calling the killer? Was he in on the murder the entire time.
You should also change supposedly to supposed. And what exactly is he the leader of? The police, the FBI, what? "Good Side" can mean a lot of things.
Add some spacing between the the dialouge, it would make it easier to read. And add a comma before "So". You should also use Larson's name when he is speaking instead of "He". Remember, don't use it too much.
The dialogue here seems a bit awkward. Maybe you should just say that you heard him hang up instead of saying "bye". Also put a comma between said and knowing.
This is the kind of description I'm talking about. If you add some description like this throughout the story it will give us a better understanding of what is happening.
Here you are being choppy again, like Snoink said, so I would combine these sentences.
"I grabbed my suitcase and quickly packed it."
You need to add a semicolon in this sentence, like this
"I knew Roald; he had been an old friend of Thomas." This seperates the two clauses in the sentence.
I think you should take out the "could he" at the end of the sentence because it isn't really needed and it makes the sentence sound a bit awkward.
You need to add a few commas
"Well, everyone in the government knew me as the person to finish the job, but nothing more."
Why do you suddenly start talking about how the government views you and then start talking about Roald again? Unless this is really crucial information you should save it until your done talking about Roald.
First of all, where are you at the moment? Why are wisps of your hair being blown across you face? Aren't you in the room, packing your suitcase, or are you outside now? Also, this memory is pretty vague so we don't really have a clear picture of what is happening. You don't have to give away exactly what is happening, but at least enough for us to draw our own conclusions until you decide to reveal to us how you are connected with Roald and Thomas.
This is good, it shows us how the main character is not the same person she once was.
You need to change "had" to "have".
Don't change this, it gives us a really strong indication of what your character does for a living without really telling us. Good job!
You used "quickly" twice in a row. To avoid repetition try to find a different adjective to use in the second sentence.
The description here is good, you clearly describe to us what your character is wearing. And is the name on the passport the character's real name, or just an assumed name? I couldn't really tell.
Well, I hope my critique was of some help to you, and I think you have a really great story going here.
-magicman
First of all, welcome to YWS! That is, you already seem to be quite a member, but I haven’t had a chance to welcome you.
Now, for your story!
It was interesting. I wanted to know how things turned out and why the she (Marie?) had killed him. And I can’t help but think that this is part of a longer story.
Now, perhaps this is just me, but I noticed your style was particularly choppy. In this kind of genre, a choppy style is okay, but I think you overdid it just a bit. So I would suggest that you combine some of your sentences. For instance:
So if I were to edit this, here is how it would look:
“I crept along the corridor in the shadows, every part of me covered except my eyes. The door was open and a soft glow came from the fire place inside. I entered silently.”
So it’s not bad, but still.
Also, another thing that I thought could be improved:
Between these two sentences, I would probably put a description of the room and, if possible, a description of the man. What did he look like? What was he doing? Was his room richly furnished? By describing him to us, we get a better picture on who he is and this will give us a better picture on why your main character is acting the way she is.
That’s enough to work on, for starters.
Good luck!