You are feeling very tempted to critique me....

PreviousNext
I tease you, hissing statements very low/ You mock me, smirk, then shout outrageous claims/ We play like children, giggle, grin, and grow/ I know you let me win our silly games/ We stare at one another making faces/ Until my smile escapes and you just laugh/ Your hand in mine we dance in ancient places/ We walk the narrow streets and start to chaff/ I cry and gasp for air, you hold me tight/ I tell you that I fear I'm falling apart/ You speak of losing love and living life/ I wonder can I mend your broken heart?/ She Kept your love and left, it's true/ You'll never know my heart belongs to you/
Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
anna91423
Review

This is amazing! I know that feeling exactly, and this is so relatable it even made me tear up a little! Beautiful, realistic, desperately honest. Only thing is that, like Lindsay G, I'd've preferred to read it in a more traditional poetry structure, just to split it up a little and make it easier to read. I can't wait to read more of your work, so please keep writing! :)

User avatar
LindsayG
Review

Very good! But try formatting it better to make it easier to read. Using the "slash sign" doesn't actually do it effectively.

Another nip tick, a comma should come after wonder to create an effective pause.
I wonder can I mend your broken heart?



Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson