The little flower

by Twinkle4ever
  • September 2, 2012
  • Poetry
Okay so this is my second attempt at poetry. The first one didn't go too well last year. And I think this one turned out the same way. My dad literally told me he hates it. *tears* But my mom says it's good. I don't know whom to believe so I'm leaving the decision up to you all.

(The girl who is telling about her flower lives near the shore)

You are,
The flower in my garden,
that blossoms with might.
Sleeps through the day's heat,
And beams at night.
Feels the harsh winds cut at its soft petals,
When the tides are rough and high.
But never fails to shine,
Even out of fright.
The little flower in my garden,
That I so dearly like.
Comments & reviews · 2
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Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:29 pm

This reminds me of the poetry in this old-fashioned book of poems for children that I had when I was a little girl! Which is good. :)

On another note, I don't think you should really expect to be the best poet ever on the first shot. That's what editing is for! Part of the fun of writing is taking a sucky piece of writing and transforming it into something absolutely beautiful instead. It's a wonderful thing!

Nor do I think that you should take opinions of your stuff as the end-all of whether you are good or awful. You are still beginning, first of all, and there is a lot of room for improvement. This is a good thing! So, don't worry about it too much.

Now, for your poem! Because, constructive advice is always good.

I think that you should probably get rid of the first line, because I think a little ambiguity as to who this is for may be good in this case.

There is also the lopsidedness of the poem. Sometimes, it looks like you are making every line long in the poem, but then it gets short. So, it makes it look lopsided. I think the best thing to do in this case is to make sure that you read aloud and make sure it sounds good to you. A good poem should bounce! Right now, this poem is on its way of being a good poem because it does dance a little, but it stumbles a bit. So, you'll want to smooth it out a little more.

Good luck and hope that helps! :)

User avatar
Annii
Review
Annii wrote a review · Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:37 pm

Hey Twinkle,

I liked this - I don't really know anything about poetry but the rhythm that you have going on here is good and it painted a really nice picture in my ind (of a flower). Is the person describing someone close to them? Like...someone fragile that they feel protective of?

Annii



I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear