Hey there Tuck! I am back Now that RevMo is over I'm going to be taking reviewing a bit slower (especially with LSS around the corner as well XD) but I feel a bit bad that I only reviewed the first chapter of this and so many chapters of Shady's. I wanted to get back at this but I was on a roll with Shady's novel. However, let's get back on this!
Okay to be honest I almost completely forgot what the first chapter part was about but NOW I REMEMBER it was a lot of fight scenes, right? Speaking of the fight scenes, I put some advice in this thread here weapons, swordfighting, action scenes which basically is all I learned from writing action within writing it for all the time I have done. I don't want to say too much regarding the last chapter in action, but I'm sure that it'll be helpful for you.
She was right. Skylar could see a muscle in his jaw pop, and he // withdrew
Ah yes, he // withdrew XD
So, one of the things that I learned early on in writing action that it needs to be short. Action lines need to be short to keep the pace up, but action scenes themselves need to be short as well, otherwise it will destroy your pace. Too much action is boring because there's only so much action a person can take before they zone out. Movies are the same way. Compare, for example, the Transformers films and Avengers Endgame. Both of them are large action films. In fact, Endgame has basically an hour long action scene at the end of the movie. So, why does Endgame work when most of the Transformers films do not? That's because Endgame has breaks of humor, scene shifts, different actual fight scenes, a structure that mimics the three act structure. With the transformers, there are aspects of it but the scenes focus too much on one theme: robots fighting robots. It can get boring.
So, when you start the story on an extended fight scene that is repetitive in its moves with little characterization, it feels a bit hard to read. Let's move past this training session, and get to whatever the story is going to be. The sooner, the better for the story.
"Whatever." Darien's brown eyes were stormy, and he brushed past Skylar and Myra towards the door.
Usually storm is reserved for like, blue eyes, right? I'd much rather see a description utilizing his brown eyes instead of just saying his brown eyes were stormy.
Myra shook her head. "Let him cool off for a few minutes, and then apologize again later tonight. He just needs space."
Need space from what exactly? It seemed like they were just sparring with their bodies and their words, and it seemed like that was something they always did, judging from this and the first chapter part, or at least that their training happens quite regularly. So, he needs to cool off from what exactly? Either there's something that Myra knows that Skylar doesn't in that something happened before the chapter (which doesn't seem to be the case otherwise Skylar would ask what happened or be a lil sus) or this seems like a highly inappropriate reaction for a simple sparring match of the mind.
"Probably because they need her to work on her specialized skill area. She still has to do some exercise so she can hold her own, but it's not her position on the team. She's a badass coder. I couldn't do a tenth of the things she can do with a computer."
"I guess. I just feel like they treat her like she's some special asset and the rest of us are just typical grunts."
"That's not how it is, Myra. We all have our skill sets, and that's why we make such a great team."
I'd love for you to show us this instead of just telling us this. Just end the chapter here so there's a bit of mystery ( i mean end the chapter with "oh where's Rae?") and then start the next chapter or chapter part with them going to check up on her. We also don't need to know that she's a great coder or that the team works really well. What does this serve us at this moment besides just an info dump?The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. I am excited to see where this story is going, but right now all I'm seeing is a lot of info dumping that I just won't remember in like three chapter. I hope this has helped and I hope that the next chapter will hold more potential
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
Donate