A/N: If you're just starting to read this or need a refresher, Skylar has returned from training to her room where their team's coder, Rae, is working on a project. Darien is frustrated with Skylar and has stormed off, and Myra, the last member of their team, has followed him to try to comfort him. Rae has just asked Skylar how training went today.
Skylar shrugged. "It was okay. Just the usual. Sparring and strength today."
"Sounds like fun." Rae was still staring at the screen, her slender fingers pounding away on the keyboard and strings of text appearing on the terminal.
"I guess." Skylar pulled up a chair and sat on it, resting her chin in her hands as she watched Rae. Rae's posture was impeccable; straight back, eyes forward, high chin. She was the image of regality, so much so that Skylar had to wonder what she was doing on this secret-ops mission. Someone like Rae didn't belong in the shadows; she belonged in the spotlight, where everyone could admire her sense of style and her beautifully styled hair. She belonged on the poster in a salon, not a most-wanted picture.
"Skylar," Rae was saying, and Skylar snapped out of her daze.
"Huh?"
Rae rolled her eyes in a fashion-icon way. "I asked you where Darien was."
"Oh. He just needed to wind down. Tough workout," Skylar fibbed, her heart rate spiking and her stomach twisting. It wasn't a whole lie, after all. It was only to protect Darien, not herself. She couldn't betray him; they were too similar. More times than one it had been Skylar storming out of that workout room instead of Darien.
"Sure." Rae returned to her work, and just as Skylar was about to tell her to slam the laptop shut and really talk to her without her eyes on a screen, she pressed enter twice and closed the laptop.
"So. Let's talk." Rae pulled her legs up and crossed her legs. "How are you? I feel like we haven't talked in a while." Rae's hazel eyes were deeply set in her pale face, but they radiated concern and care.
Skylar sighed. "I know. I just feel like we're always distant. We're both so focused on getting better and better and better, and I worry that we don't have time for ourselves and for our relationships."
"But you're so tight with Myra and Darien, and sometimes I just feel like the odd one out. I hate feeling like that, Skylar. That's why I left conventional work and came here. I knew that I belonged here because my differences are what make me an asset, but when I'm around the three of you, I feel like you guys are so much closer than I feel I am to you guys."
"Rae, I'm sorry. I just… I don't know how to be around you. We don't share any of the same interests. You like to code here, and I like to train out there, with them. In some ways I guess you are the odd one out. But I can promise you I will try harder to include you and to make you feel like you belong, because this team would have failed a thousand times over if it weren't for you." Skylar took her hand and laced her fingers in with Rae's. "Okay?"
"Okay," Rae whispered, her head drooping. "Maybe you could spar with me later?"
Skylar barked out a laugh. "That would be like me trying to out-code you, Rae. No offense, but you should probably stick to your skill set."
Rae pulled her hand away from Skylar, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. "Maybe I should," she whispered, turning away from Skylar and pulling her knees up to her chest.
Skylar realized too late what she had said and opened her mouth to try and recover, but at that very moment there was a hard knock at the door. "Hey? You guys in there?" Darien's voice was muffled by the door but still clear and urgent.
"Yeah, one second." Rae gave Skylar a dirty look and swiped away the tear rolling down her cheek. She spun her chair towards the door and stormed towards it, pulling it open and putting on a fakely dazzling smile. "Hey, Darien. How was training?"
"Fine," Darien said as he brushed past her and walked towards Skylar. Myra followed him in, offering Rae an apologetic smile for Darien's behavior.
Darien stood over Skylar, his 6'0 figure suddenly seeming more intimidating than usual. "We need to talk, Skylar. Outside."
A knot formed in Skylar's stomach. "Okay." She stood, her legs wobbling slightly beneath her, and followed Darien outside.
He turned to face her slowly, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his athletic shorts. "Why are you so determined to beat me at everything?"
Skylar took a deep breath. "It's not just you. I promise. It's part of who I am and I am trying so hard to stop it, or at least to get rid of all the negative side effects of it, but I really can't. I'm sorry."
"Well, I need you to see outside of who you think you are and see who I am and how I feel when you treat me like I'm inferior to you." The frustration in Darien's voice was obvious, and Skylar flinched at his raised tone.
Skylar steeled herself and stared directly into Darien's hardened eyes."All my life, I've had to prove something to someone. To my father, first, that I was smart and strong enough to work with him in his mechanical shop. To every single customer that walked through that door, that I was capable of repairing whatever contraption they handed me. To my mother, that I was good enough at my work at the mechanical shop to excuse my absence at home. And to every single recruiter and worker here, that I am strong and smart and responsible and mature. I have been proving myself for my entire life, and there are no signs that I will ever be able to stop."
Skylar took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for dumping that on you. But you deserved an explanation."
"I'm glad you did." Darien took her hand, and his gaze softened. "You belong here. But please, try to understand how I feel, and keep working on yourself. In return, I promise that I will try to be more understanding and less competitive."
Skylar nodded at him, and after a few beats of silence, they both entered the room again.
Myra and Rae were both seated on the sofa. They stopped talking as soon as the door opened and looked at Skylar and Darien like deer caught in the headlights, eyes wide and panicked.
"We've settled things," Skylar said, and she could see Myra visibly relax. "What are you two talking about?"
"Nothing important," Myra said, a little too quickly, and a look of confusion passed over Skylar's face, but it dissipated quickly.
"What else is on the schedule today?" Darien asked, trying to change the subject.
"We have some team time for the next hour or so, so I guess nothing."
They sat in silence for several moments, no one really sure how to redirect the conversation or what even to redirect it to.
Luckily, they were saved by the crackling of the announcement speaker in their room. "Team 406, please report to the men standing at the end of your hallway immediately. I repeat, report to the men standing at the end of your hallway immediately."
The four of them scrambled up and out of the doorway, regrouping somewhere between their ascent and exiting their room. Even when they were battling personal drama, even when relationships were tight and strained, they were a team. And they would always be a team.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Tuck! I'm just gonna go ahead and review this because, while it says it was published in 2017, two years before the previous chapters, it looks like it's still a continuation and people have reviewed it within the past year SO time to review
I like this summary of the past chapters. I would also like to see a sentence or two about what you're looking for in reviews because when authors do that, it makes my life as a reviewer so much easier XD
So, like your summary of the past two chapter parts, I'll summarize my critiques of them to see if we can see any continuation of those problems in this chapter. I think you have pacing issues with focusing too much on the sparring (which only took a sentence of this summary, to give its importance a bit of perspective). We didn't need to know Rae was a coder before this as we'll see that in this chapter. Darien seems to be frustrated for no reason. Also, I didn't point it out (idts at least) but your ending was abrupt in the last chapter, to the point of it being in the middle of an asked question that you have to remind us so the readers didn't forget. Let's fix that up.
OKAY wow that was some thirst trap action just SLAPPED into my face with Skylar just GAWKING at Rae. This is not subtle whatsoever. I am gushing at this lesbian love but I think it needs to be subtler. Because, like, this is just the first chapter right? So, having it at this point already doesn't leave it much room to grow before the potential relationship. Does that make sense?
ahh yes, as all fashion icons do, they roll their eyes in a specific way XD
Okay, Tuck, I am gonna be brutal here so fair warning beforehand.
One: Why is she so turnt over by a not-lie? She isn't lying, what she said was completely true. She just doesn't give all the info because she doesn't need to at this point. So, this isn't a fib, and Idk why she seems so upset over it. Like, she shouldn't be upset over something like this just like Darien shouldn't be upset over the nothing that happened back in that spar.
Two: What does she mean by trying to protect Darien? From... what exactly? This false sense of protection (aka overprotecting) is pretty prideful and not nearly as good as Skylar thinks it is.
Three: Betray? What?? This is all just too dramatic for literally nothing, like, no reason at all. There's nothing to betray because there was nothing to get upset over, and it's like Skylar feels like she's betraying his trust?? but there's no trust there because he did it to himself and didn't ask her to be like "yoooo dont tell anyone im upset at you, its our lil secret hehe" like, you get what I'm saying? Also, if Skylar also storms out of the room, this is something that really needs to be addressed between the two of them. But, I wish this was something that would have happened later in the story. Like, show us that this is a problem with the two of them instead of everyone acting like it's normal already at this point. And it's sad that it IS normal at this point and it feels like it shouldn't even be normal, because keeping this toxix behavior between "friends" is childish, like, middle schooler stuff. How are these people supposed to work as a team in supposedly dire situations if they get upset at each other in sparring matches? Regularly, at that!
I don't have specific notes of the rest of this chapter otherwise I would be repeating myself over and over again. So, here's this:
You have what seems like an entire novella's worth of character development squished into a couple hundred words. There's no build up, there's no payoff, and it feels like info dumping. It's just.. not good. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there it is. We, as the reader, are supposed to assume there's history between these characters and that we're in the resolution part of that arc, which is an absolute terrible way for a reader to dive in to this. I don't know these characters, so to see them SO emotional to little things and flip flop on those emotions just as fast, and they're talking about how they don't feel like they fit in or that they need to fit in, none of this is appealing to me to read, because I don't know these characters yet. You're asking way too much of me in the FIRST CHAPTER. I want to repeat that this is just the first chapter, and it feels like we're already at some kind of resolution on something. What it is, I have no clue. I don't know these character's personalities yet because they are all over the place. The backstory feels rushed and pushed into the story in info dumping, and there seems to be fabricated drama that isn't needed and isn't wanted. I still have no clue what this story is WHATSOEVER. I have had no setup for the future, no hint to a larger problem, nothing. I've just had character bickering for what seems like no reason to me. To be completely honest, scrap this first chapter. It's not serving you any good, and start your story with an opening action scene where they are actually fighting something. It could be a training exercise (like they are in a simulation). Keep it short. Something messes up, or someone messes up, and then you have a good beginning to your story that will set up the personality conflicts that you want to set up.
At this point, I'm not sure if you would want me to review this next chapter part. We talked a bit about how you're reworking the beginning, and this is short enough that I can just wait for that new beginning, and I kind of want to. I apologize for this being even harsher than the last reviews, but this... just got messy. I hope to see something better in your next draft! And if you have any questions or want to bounce ideas off of me, please feel free to
Thanks for the review! The funny thing about the scene where Skylar is gawking at Rae is that I think I wrote this before I knew I liked girls xD but yes, definitely too much to throw at the reader in the first chapter.
I definitely agree with your notes about the too-fast characterization and the pacing. In my current rewrite, there%u2019s a lot less drama during this fight scene, and it occurs closer to the middle of the story.
Thanks again for the review!
oh my gosh that's actually ADORABLE way to project yourself onto Skylar ahahaha
What's the beginning of your re-write? Also, will you be posting it?
Hey Tuck!
It's only taken a YEAR to get around to this review. (I'm really sorry I got burned out after RevMo)
But I'm here now! So, let's get into it, shall we?
It's been ages, so I might just not remember something, but I think this is the first time that's it's been mentioned they're doing something that would get them put on a wanted picture? Especially a most wanted picture.
I also still don't remember if it was... made clear exactly what they are doing, or who's running this team, or why the team exists, but again, it's been a while. If it hasn't been explained yet, the I would have liked at least some context for some of this sooner.
also reading that paragraph didn't make me correct MY posture or anything,,, idk what you're talking aboutI'm not sure I understand what's going on in this paragraph? Why is she so nervous about lying? Didn't Darien just get mad and storm off? Why would telling Rae that he got angry "betray" him, or not telling him "protect" him? I don't understand why this makes her so uneasy and upset.
I think this kind of leads into the feeling that the team doesn't gel well together, or at least, that they haven't been working together that long. For Darien (or Skylar, as mentioned in that paragraph) to get so upset and storm off like that seems to me that it implies they aren't comfortable around each other to brush off little competitive stints (or that Darien and Skylar are very hot-headed)? And then Skylar being cagey about what happened to Rae meaning that Rae wouldn't know it happened, or that they can both let their tempers get the better of them sometimes. I'm not sure this is what you're trying to get across though, I think you meant to have it read like this team has been together for a while, but I don't know your thoughts so I'll let you decide what to do with that.
Why's Skylar all upset at Rae now? What did Rae do? Didn't Skylar come to check up on how she was coming along with her project?
I'm sorry I'm so nitpicky about these interactions, I'm just kind of baffled by how Skylar's reacting to some of these things, and how fast she went from "nervous about lying" to "shut your laptop and talk to me directly!"
(also, minor comment, where's Myra? In the recap, you said she went to go check on Darien, but in the last chapter, she was still with Skylar when they went to check on Rae. Without the recap, she seemed like she just,, poofed)
repetitive "legs" ("Rae pulled her legs up and crossed them" would eliminate that!)
This hit kind of strangely when I first read it and I couldn't figure out why. I think it's because there isn't any build-up to this? We don't get to see much evidence of this "closeness" that Skylar, Myra, and Darien share, nor do we have any scenes where Rae is on the fringes of the group. This feels like it should come after tension has been established, but it just kind of comes out of the blue instead when there hasn't been time to build up the relationships. I think it would have worked out better if Rae had said that she feels like she's the odd one out because of her different interests/abilities, without mentioning the closeness the other three share.
*sniffs the air* do I smell a gay?
*bashes head against desk* skYLAR you LITERALLY JUST SAID you would include her in stuff
well, isn't it just a "everyone has a problem with skylar" kind of day
Again, it doesn't feel like there was enough tension as a prerequisite to this? Like, it really felt like at the moment, Skylar was being a little hard on him in a teasing manner, and that he over-reacted (my conclusion was that it was stemmed from his temper). I never felt like Skylar was acting superior to him? Also, you've mentioned Skylar has temper issues too, so her coming out and admitting this so immediately almost seems... out of character?
She apologises for bad behaviour here, but then immediately says "but I won't change it" (albeit, in a more... ignorant sort of way, in the sense she thinks she "can't" changed behaviour), which obviously he reacts negatively to, but the way she phrases it is contradictory and almost... arrogant? And I'm not sure if that's what you wanted.
Circling back to the tension thing. So, he says: "Why do you so determined to beat me at everything." Again, there's really no build up here. If that was why she messed him during their training session, that's still only one instance. What other activities is or has she tried/trying to beat him at?
It feels like all this was solely so that she could explain that she always feels like she needs to prove herself. I think it would be much more effective if you showed her trying to overcome obstacles and failing, or trying to bite off things that are way too big for her to chew because of it. This way feels mechanical, like you wanted to explain this part of her personality and short-cut a way to it by explaining it because of her actions with Darien rather than showing it in the actual story, and having it be a pivotal part of her personality that affects things around her. I think you could still have a scene where she talks about this, but it'd be much more impactful if the reader got to see it first.
(also, as an addition, why does she feel she can finally relax now with this team? why is she attempting to take action to change her behaviour now? This isn't really a criticism as much as it is a question about why now, why these people? what's comfortable enough here that makes her try to finally take a step back on that part of her personality? this is what I'm genuinely curious about, and again, something that would have had more impact had you shown the team working together and being those close-knit friends you've told us they are, rather then showing them at odds with each other)
A cliffhanger! I know you talked about this next chapter being the real inciting part, so I'm excited to see what you have! I know you took a step away from this project too, but I'm still very, very curious to know what's going to happen next.
Also, as a more positive note (because I feel like I was complaining and kind of being real nitpicky for this whole review), this is the kind of story that I feel has a lot of potential to have those really close, found-family level team bonding, and I'm stoked about that. Same goes for the potential of Skylar's character arc, and seeing how her personality is going to be affected and affect the story in turn!
I think right now, you're relying too much on the character relationships that don't exist so early on just yet, which is the only reason it feels mechanical/forced. I'm going to go by what I said before (I think?) about how I'm wary about this as a starting point, because a lot of these scenes (esp. in this third part of the chapter) are all scenes that I feel would have more impact if they came later in the story (obviously I don't know how achievable that is though because I don't know how the story will play out).
Anyway! I hope that helped??? Sorry I got long-winded, I'm kind of a softie for dissecting characters and character relationships and I had stuff to work with. Also that I got pretty nit-picky.
I'm excited for what's in store! Keep up the good work, I hope to see you pick this up again in the future <3
I hope you have a wonderful day!
I just read Pan's review and I really agree with her assessment on Skylar's personality. I feel like I wasn't clear enough that I don't dislike Skylar's arrogance, or her unintentional harshness, I really do! Characters who are abrasive like that and don't always have regard for what they say can be really fun to read!! I wasn't sure if that was what you were going for, but if it is, I'm completely on board with that kind of personality.
SO I apparently decided to reply out of order but I really appreciate your analysis of all the characters' relationships! To be honest, I have a bad habit of projecting my own relationships onto the relationships that I write, so that's probably why there were some blindsided conversations there. I will absolutely keep that in mind when I edit and probably redo a majority of these.
My goal was to stir up a bit of drama as a more minor plot point and a defining part of their character arcs. I also wanted to use this chance to allow the readers to get to know the people a bit more since in the next few chapters they are pushed out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. So anyway, yeah, appreciate your review and will touch up those character relationships! Thank you <3
Hiya, Tuckster! Just dropping in to catch up on this. Can you tag me in future instalments? I want to keep on top of reviewing them!
Small Comments
*Cough* gay
But keeping my sensible reviewing hat on, you could stand to be more showy in this description. How exactly is her hair styled? You tell us she's beautiful rather than letting us glean that from what you show us of her appearance.
I'd pick just one descriptor. It feels like overkill to have both, seeing as they're both just communicating that Skylar feels a bit guilty.
Eek. We're slipping into some really expository dialogue again. I'm going to talk more at length about this in the next section.
This sounds pretty non-specific. I'd expect a secret rebel base to be a bit more precise in their language - even if they just said 'the men in hallway 4b' or something like that, it would be more convincing.
Overall Thoughts
So, I'm going to focus on the biggest criticism first, which is the general dialogue and heart-to-hearts between the characters. Both the conversations between Skylar and Rae and Skylar and Darien didn't really ring true for me, and they felt like ham-fisted ways to tell us about the character dynamics rather than actually showing them. Skylar and Rae's first conversation in the whole story is a big, serious conversation about how distant they've grown - that's something you need to build up to, not throw out at the first opportunity. You're releasing the tension before it's had time to grow. It also feels odd that Skylar and the others are so aware of their feelings and why they're acting like they are. It's often more realistic (and, most importantly, more interesting) when characters don't completely understand their own behaviour, because that opens the path to more interesting conflict.
The whole paragraph where Skylar describes her backstory and why she's so competitive felt jarring, too. I just can't imagine anybody talking about themselves like that. Verisimilitude aside, we should be able to learn for ourselves how competitive Skylar is, and piece together what parts of her history have made her like that. Again, it just comes down to the show-tell balance. You're exposing too much at once.
But when you sweep aside some of the clunkier exposition, you do have the bones of interesting characters. I love Skylar's competitiveness, her unintentional arrogance, and her tendency to say the wrong thing even when she's trying hard to be careful. I think that side of her personality would be more intriguing if she was less aware of it, and it was something she gradually grew to recognise and work on. I also think Rae's position within the group could be fascinating, as long as you explore it organically. Show her being a misfit - missing in-jokes, having to be caught up on group gossip, or being silent while the others all chat. We want to see how and why she feels excluded from the friend group, rather than just being told she feels that way.
Darien and Skylar's clash of personalities is also interesting, which is why I think you should explore it more thoroughly rather than resolving it in this chapter. If Skylar was just a little more stubborn - I can fully believe she'd not be the best at apologising, especially after she lied to Rae about what happened in the training room - you could open the path to ongoing tension between her and Darien. And given that the end of the chapter suggests they might be diving into a more serious situation soon, that could have a big impact. The events of this chapter could be felt much further down the line.
So, while I still enjoyed reading this, I think you need to exploit the conflict between Darien and Skylar a little more. Work on cutting down exposition and making the dialogue more naturalistic. Hold back on the in-depth backstories for a little while. It's still only chapter one.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks so much for the review! I found it very helpful
And I can definitely add you to the taglist. I just posted Chapter 2.1 yesterday so you can check it out whenever you want
HELLO TUCKSTER!!
I love drama. Drama is so much fun to write and it is so much fun to read. You never really know the outcome of a discussion like this until the very end. And I was still at the edge of my seat, wondering what will happen to this team now.
So first off we have Rae vs the team. I never had the impression Rae was sad, and I feel like that would be a good way to foreshadow this dramatic conversation that we have. Last segment, I didn't think she was lonely at all. She was very upbeat and eager, and then this segment didn't even refer to it as a facade. She just suddenly went dark and sad! Which is totally fine, but making that a smoother transition for her as a character would make this emotional turmoil feel more natural.
Also SKYLAR. You said the WRONG THING. Though this is also interesting to see Rae react to Skylar's words. Again, I figured Rae would be more optimistic and things, but she seemed to take Skylar's words super personally that she even cast a glare at Skylar when Darien entered the room. Like, that was nastier than I originally would have guessed! However, this does show us that Skylar is not good with talking to people, and I think that's a good thing for someone who excels physically. She need some weakness(es) to work through for this story, and perhaps speaking before thinking is one of them.
I like the heart-to-heart between them, though. I think it's a really good way to give insight into Rae's feelings after having just heard Myra's opinion. It might work better to lead the scene with a statement more direct than Rae's "I feel like we haven't talked in forever." Clearly, Rae has a point to make, and unless she's the kind of person to beat around the bush, I'd rather she just be more direct. I guess I'm still learning her character, though, so maybe she isn't the kind of person to get straight to the point. I don't know who she is yet! But the beginning of that conversation did feel a bit unnatural.
SO NOW SKYLAR AND DARIEN. Honestly, I didn't know Myra left to see Darien, but that could easily be a detail you're working with last minute LMS-style. I didn't expect Darien to approach Skylar so soon, but again, I'm only just getting to know these characters, so I don't really know much about him at this point. He does seem to be VERY sensitive, though. This is a fun combination in your character, actually. A macho guy with a lot of physical strength, but he's super sensitive and honest about his feelings. And to complement him is a tryhard girl ignorant to the feelings of others, or rough empathy. That's my perspective anyway, so hopefully it's close to what you're going for!
Skylar revealed a looot of informatoin here about her background, and I honestly don't remember most of it. However, it does explain why Skylar tries her best 100% of the time. Now, I don't think what she did to Darien in the training room really amounts to competitiveness as she was really teasing more than anything. Competitiveness would be doing anything to win, but Skylar seemed a little more mischievous.
I am grateful for this insight into her character, though. This will help make sense of some of her decisions later. I'm a little surprised Darien didn't know any of this background info about her, or if he did, he didn't indicate that he knew. It does beg the question how long they've been a team for, though!
So I clearly mused a lot here. I did want to mention one last thing, though, and that was how goofy it sounded for the intercom to say "meet so-and-so at the end of the hallway." Is this a usual meeting place for teams to meetup? XD I can only imagine whoever these people are, they've been dawdling about at the end of hte hallway waiting for the intercom to tell the team to meet them. It made me giggle!
We're getting into some plot though, I can totally see! I'm excited to see this team in action because claerly, despite the drama, they're a team. I just loved how you ended this chapter with that, and I think it really cleanly wraps up all the drama we have been witnessing so far. Plus, I got goosebumps, so. I definitely hope we see them work as an effective team! I feel like we need some reinforcement after all that.
I look forward to seeing what these characters get up to!! And hope to god nothing bad happens to breka the team up. D: //sweats
Thanks again for the review! Your impression of my characters was super helpful to read and I%u2019m so glad you%u2019re enjoying it! (and, little spoiler here, they are not meeting other teens there. that big reveal is coming next week!)