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Trumps Wall

by Trump666


I want to build a wall

My wall will be tall

It will keep our borders secure

That is a cure

For illegal immigration


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176 Reviews


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Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:42 am
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Overall, I think that you have great ideas for this poem, but had difficulty putting them onto paper. Let's jump right into the review!

I'm not a big fan of the rhyming. Sure, rhyming is a great thing to have, especially in a short poem. However, in this poem, it feels forced, and with a not-perfect rhythm, I think that it only makes the piece more awkward. I don't think you need to entirely remove the rhyming however, because a simple solution to the rhythm problem is draw out the fourth line. That should make the rhythm more consistent.

I'd like to see more of the jokes people make from Trump's rants. You have one great one with the wall joke making up the bulk of the poem, but I would suggest working more in. Like the "great" joke. I'm actually quite surprised that you didn't include a joke about Trump's wall being great. XD

Overall, nice job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:29 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Mr. President,

I reviewed your last poem so I thought I'd take at this one as well.

So this is pretty short, but I'm not sure it's as potent as it could be. It felt a bit like the speaker just wanted to list off five sentences about walls rather than make a point. I think this poem could really take two directions

1) Going political and using Trump-like logic and rhetoric to show the flaws of Trump's pursuits

or

2) Amping up the humor to make this poem rediculous.


I'm assuming because this is in the humorous category that you're going for the humorous line. I think to create more humor the easiest thing to do would be to put more of Trump's own language into the piece -- this would take a bit of research to get some of Trump's iconic phrasing down, but really wouldn't be too difficult to incorporate. For instance, I can't remember Trump ever saying "My wall will be tall" (I could be mistaken) rather than describing a hypothetical Trump, I think it'd be more effective to use points he actually would and has made.

Another small critique is that there should be an apostrophe for "Trumps" ---> "Trump's" for the title.

Overall, this was a funny piece but I think has so much potential for expansion and in being even more true to Trump's character and rhetoric.

~alliyah




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Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:30 pm
ThemagicalEbonyFox wrote a review...



Hello Mr Trump. I'm not too good at reviewing poetry, so if I say something wrong please feel free to correct me. First of all I think this is a very interesting choice for a poem. I'm glad you decided to keep it simple. If this was a normal poem, I'm not sure if be happy with the last line because it doesn't fit the structure you made with the first two rhyming couplets, but for some reason it works well in this one. Some punctuation would be good though.
Anyway, I'll wrap this up here because I don't have much else to say.
Keep writing!
Ebony.




Trump666 says...


Thank you for your kind words!



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Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:39 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, President Trump! XD Welcome to YWS! My name is Kara and I'm here for a quick review.

This made me laugh. So hard. By the way, is this making FUN of the wall, or is it SUPPORTING it? I don't support the wall since I'm a Burney fan but still

Also give me your soul.

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
{We need} to build a wall{.} {I said "We need" because that's what Trump usually says: "We need to build a wall!"}

My wall will be tall{.}

It will keep our borders secure{.}

{For t}hat is a cure

For illegal immigration{.}


Other than the one flow problem and the few punctuation, this is pretty good! This is really short - so it's hard to review - and I'd actually recommend, if this is making fun of Trump - to make this longer and exploit what Trump does and make fun of it. :D

--

Kara

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Trump666 says...


Just wrote it to get the hang of this site, anyway thank you for your review!



Laurenlovely says...


BURNEY FANS GO



zaminami says...


YEEEEE



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Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:11 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow, Mr. President! This poem really shows the height and breadth of your vocabulary!

ANYWAY. Wow, it's really tough to review this poem simply because it's so short and straightforward - although as I said, that, ahem, really does make it sound like something a certain president could have written. Well, except that it gets to the point so quickly and doesn't talk about how awesome it is. Although "my wall will be tall" does sound like at least the start of the sort of thing he'd say: "This wall will be tall. It'll be yuge. It'll be the biggest wall you've ever seen!"

So his voice isn't super present in the poem, but since you're writing a satirical poem I don't think it matters as much - you've got the emphasis on the wall being his (I can picture it now: a wall with the words "TRUMP BRAND WALLS" on it), and emphasis on size, which are already two things he very much focuses on at all times. And then of course the illogical idea that a wall along one border that is surrounded by water will somehow stop illegal immigration.

The only thing I think doesn't fit is that he says "I want to build a wall." While I'm sure he's said something akin to that at some point, this is not a man who wants. This is a man who demands. This is a man who wills. I feel like "want" is too much a normal person thing to say - he doesn't focus on "here's what I want to do," he focuses on "here's what I am going to do, like it or not, whether I have the support of Congress or anyone else or not."

Okay, that's it from me! I was not expecting such a short poem, but it gave me a good giggle first thing this morning.

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Trump666 says...


Thank you for your review and kind words! I just wrote it to get the hang of this site.



BluesClues says...


You're welcome, and welcome! If you have any questions, people with usernames in green, orange, or red can help you out.




It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.
— Mr Collins, Pride and Prejudice