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Hillary

by Trump666


She is a woman many know as Hillary but I know as Nasty Woman

I got the White House and she'll get prison

She is a very nasty woman who deserves prison

A very nasty, nasty woman

When she lost those liberals cried themselves to sleep

While I will bring back jobs she will bring in illegals

While I will help our market she will bring more welfare

#TrumpForPresident2020

This is not meant to be serious as I would rather keep my political beliefs private and I hope you enjoyed~ Some Random Guy On The Internet!


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Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:50 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hello there Mr. President,

I'm alliyah, here to review.

I liked that you boldly put this under politics rather than satire or humor, but then you kind of took away the boldness of this move undercutting the persona by giving the author's note at the end. With satire these days of course author's notes are almost essential because or else it can lead to really awkward misunderstandings and #FakeNews . I would suggest going ahead and putting the pieces under the satire or humor category in the future though.

So into the content of the review.
Try to be consistent in capitalization ---> If you capitalize "Nasty Woman" the first time, then do so in the repetition of the phrase as well, or just keep it consistently lowercased. This gives a more polished poetic appearance.

I felt like overall you could have used a bit more content. I would suggest even reading some of Trump's tweets or listening to his responses from the Candidate debates to get more ideas if you need any. For instance, it felt redundant to say "she'll get prison" and then the very next line say "who deserves prison" -- it would be interesting to hear Trump's reasoning on why she deserves prison, rather than just a repetition of it.

One of the best lines that Trump said about Hilary was the thing about "stamina" that would be interesting to work in.

Another critique of this piece is it was really unclear what time frame it's being written in. It reads like something Trump would have maybe said before the election. But then says "I will" and "she will" like he's running against Hillary again and then at the end the hashtag of course says "2020". This makes the poem feel a little irrelevant because it's so unlikely Hilary would run again in 2020. It might be a more interesting perspective to write it from the perspective of before Trump's 2017 election or as his reflections on Hillary now.

Last critique, I don't think the order of your points build as much drama and tension as it could. While the economy (and issues like market and welfare and taxes) are super important it's not the issue that get's everyone excited and angry or joyous or passionate. Rather than ending on an economic point -- I think it would be stronger to end of the immigration one or another social issue that people get more excited about.

I liked the use of the hashtag again mimicking Trump's twitter persona, and would love to see more Trump quotes or stylistic phrasing worked in like "big league", "stamina", and being even more bragging.

Overall, an interesting and somewhat comical piece.

Good luck in your future writing!

~alliyah




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:05 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there Trump666. This is Kays here dropping in for a review in the spirit of both RevMo and Review Week so let's cut to the chase and begin, shall we?

I see that this is in Trump's perspective although this doesn't seem to be written in the voice of Trump? I'd have loved this more if this actually tried to sound like Trump by using common words and phrases he uses such as 'very sad' and other examples of that sort. I'm not a fan of him, but I won't let that affect my view of the poem. I have to say though that this overall is a bunch of lost potential. The voice of Trump can be used for the effect of making this sound more like him and humor even since that's what I can see this working best since this isn't meant to be serious.

Furthermore, I wanted to question the fact that a person with the username 'Trump666' writing a poem about how Hillary is a nasty woman? That's a little contradictory and I wanted to question that. If this isn't meant to be humor, then I suggest taking out the four uses of 'nasty woman' and switching this out. Since this isn't meant to be serious and as the author you'd like to keep your political beliefs private and this isn't under the Humor category, what's the purpose of this? What's the theme that the writer wants to get across?

That's probably the most confusing part of this poem and as for the rest, this is bare-boned in terms of imagery and overall I can see this being stronger if the point that you want to make other than the hashtag is clearer and more elements of poetry are focused on such as imagery and other poetic devices. Work on adding those in and making this more of a poem as well to make this better executed and also try and use the perspective/voice to your advantage.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped.

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Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:45 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Trump666! {Again!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
She is a woman many know{n} as Hillary but I know as Nasty Woman{.}

I got the White House and she'll get prison{.}

She is a very nasty woman who deserves prison{.} {Again, never rhyme with the same word}

A very nasty, nasty woman {We get that she's a nasty woman, you already said that several times. Maybe replace it with "Crooked Hillary?"}

When she lost those liberals cried themselves to sleep{.} {I don't believe that's what liberals mean. Do you mean Democrats?}

While I will bring back jobs she will bring in illegals{.}

While I will help {the} market she will bring more welfare{.}

#TrumpForPresident2020

This is not meant to be serious as I would rather keep my political beliefs private and I hope you enjoyed~ Some {r}andom {g}uy {o}n {t}he Internet!


No offense if you do support Trump, but I absolutely hate him. I could rant all day about how horrible and how he is a hypocrite, saying that Hillary is crooked when he is crooked himself. I mean, I don't like Hillary either (I'm a Sanders fan all the way), but I believe she's better for presidency than Trump also since I'm LBGTQ+ myself I'm pretty darn angry that he isn't allowing trans people into the army. Otherwise, this was funny. I'd recommend, if this is making FUN of Trump, to put it under satire and not other. Although, I do think that it is satire because you put Trump's name with Satan's classic number :wink: nice.

Also, if you want to talk politics, you can always PM me :wink: I love to rant.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:26 pm
ChieRynn says...



haha...oh man.




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 8:14 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Fascinating poem, Mr. President!

I think you conveyed your thoughts of Hillary accurately, and I must admit, I could just hear your voice saying these words as I was reading this. It was an interesting moment. The hashtag at the end was a nice touch, and you were overall, pretty successful in making me giggle.

While I will bring back jobs she will bring in illegals
While I will help our market she will bring more welfare

She will? Or she would have? Your tense there gives this impression that while you are doing one thing, Hillary is doing another. I'm bringing back jobs! She's bringing in illegals! I'm helping our market! She's bringing more welfare! But she's not President. hallelujah So, I don't see how she will do these things. You're really gonna let her, Mr. Prez?


Your punctuation was on and off here. For example, you have a comma in the fourth line, but nowhere else. That inconsistency bothered me a bit.

I think that this poem, though lovely as it may stand, could use some more imagery and such to show your detestment of Hillary. I remember that you've fondly referred to her as "Crooked Hillary", so I'm a little surprised you didn't throw that in here.

But, it was good to see another poem from you, sir!
Keep up the great work ;)

~rosette





"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore