Published April 25, 2005
I think to myself of how you must feel,
Having me locked in this cage of steel,
You say you love me,
And that you care,
But what happens know that I’m not there?
Will you find someone new to take my place?
And fill my heart with total disgrace?
I loved you so much but you never knew,
It was my fault I keep it from you,
I should have said how you made me feel,
Because when I was with you,
Life seemed so real,
You made me happy,
And you made me glad,
Now it’s all gone,
And I only feel sad,
You were the one,
Who made me strong?
You told me nothing could ever go wrong,
Now I look out the window,
And start to stare,
While pondering the thought,
If you still care,
I hope you do,
So please give me a sign,
Because when I come home,
I hope you’ll be mine
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,454 Reviews
You've got the emotions, but it was smothered in cliches. Originality is the key.
I agree with Nate on this one. It was very pretty and a good read. Just make sure you fix mistakes that Nate had said there were and you'll be fine. I love your sense of writing and your emotion in the poem. Good good good...
You need to decide how you want the rhyming scheme right now; as it is, it sounds very disjointed in places as it has no specific pattern to it. Also, in "But what happens know that I’m not there?" know should be now, and the question mark in "Who made me strong?" doesn't seem to belong.
However, this was well done and well written overall. The emotions within in the poem are well described, and I also like how you only allude to the fact that the two lovers are now seperated; that is, you never come right out and say it even though it is strongly implied (a good thing!).
Overall, I thought it was good; definitely a worthwhile read.