Tired

If I truly knew there was a god and that he was merciful and loved me then I would KILL MYSELF.

My E-bike and PC go to Gabby wherever she is. Four hundred dollars, all the money I have left, goes to my sister Grey. My electric scooter goes to Corbyn.

My computer pin is:787263

Primary Email: tonybalognarocks@gmail.com

Email Password: L0v3rB0y

“I don’t think there is anything else I need to tell them.”

I walked into the kitchen and picked up the knife. This felt right. This was the right decision. I’m really doing this.

Everyone tells you how could you forget that your future is bright? The possibility of a happy future is gone. You’re just being weak, you really are just a child. I just can’t make it through today. You're just doing this for attention. I just want to stop hurting every day. Weak.

I walked through my doorway and laid down all I really needed to do now was gain the strength to take action…

One

Last

Time

I wanted to. But I couldn’t.

My heartbeat had been racing since yesterday, pounding like it might burst out of my chest. My breath had fallen short years ago leaving me without the ability of a satisfying sigh. Everything hurt. I wanted it to end.

Batman, my cat, had curled up beside me. She was only ours because I brought her home. She didn’t know what I was planning. She just loved me.

I didn’t want her here. I was already going to destroy so many people’s lives. I didn’t need the reminder that I was about to hurt those I love.

Maybe music might help. I reached for my headphones and phone on the nightstand. As I unlocked the screen, I thought of Corbyn. He’d find out eventually. He’d live in a world of worry for longer than necessary. We had promised each other if the day ever came, we’d tell each other and wouldn’t try to stop each other.

Before going to youtube music I sent him the message “I’m ending it.”

I played the song rises the moon by Liana Flores. For a moment, it all felt soft. Gentle. Like this wasn’t a tragedy but an escape.

I gripped the knife tighter and brought it to my chest.

I can do this.

I deserve this.

I felt a strange calm wash over me; I had nearly forgotten how it felt.

In that moment, I didn’t want to take action. I didn’t want to face the world either. Maybe I could just live in this for a moment longer-BZZT BZZT BZZT

BZZT BZZT BZZT

Corbyn had read my message faster than I expected.

“Don’t do this.”

“This won’t solve anything.”

Another buzz. Another Text.

“Please, Just talk to me.”

I felt betrayed. Was it so bad to want some solace?

BZZZZZT BZZZZZT BZZZZZT

He kept calling me.

BZZZZZT BZZZZZT BZZZZZT

My phone lit up again.

Corbyn is Calling.

I swiped it away.

BZZZZZT BZZZZZT BZZZZZT

Dad is calling.

How did he know?

Did he know?

“If you don’t respond I'm calling the police.”

BZZZZZT BZZZZZT BZZZZZT

Another buzz.

Another call.

Another text.

Everything was vibrating. Flashing. Screaming.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t think.

I froze.

Then I heard it.

My sister’s phone was ringing from her room.

Her phone stopped.

“Yeah, I’ll check on him,” she said.

Footsteps.

Fast.

My door swung open.

I panicked, tried to hide the knife under my pillow, but it was too late.

She saw it.

“He’s alive!” She shouted into her phone

Then she turned to me.

Stepped closer.

“Give me the knife!”

I didn’t fight

She took it from my hands.

I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel saved. I just felt bad.

I recognized this feeling.

Fifth grade. I ran away. I gave up halfway through the night. I came home. felt this same weight in my chest.

Would I regret the outcome of today for years to come as well?