z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Muster Heroes – QuickSave 9

by TinkerTwaggy


Plotters ahoy! Bullet Hell VS Doom-Shark Launcher – Part 2

“Now, let's move on to my favorites: the Teknocrate-inspired Styles!

First, the Myrmidons, or Humanoids specialized in using Automatons in large numbers in order to fight for them – they can usually be assembled to create large mechanic creatures.

Then, the Vehikings, users of mechanical devices that grant them superior mobility and equipments.

Next come the Cyborgs, or Humanoids that fully embraced the way of the machine by becoming part mechanic themselves.

And finally, the Gearsmiths. They can repair and enhance anything that's artificial, as well as support their allies and hinder their enemies with complex, stat-boosting constructions.”

Lionel Raikanj, during a presentation of Project: Muster Heroes.

Before any of the players could do anything, the Sniffers that had placed themselves all around Irvin Squaldon began moving like one entity, swiftly approaching their master. In a vibrant display of light, they gleamed all at once and disappeared, soon to be replaced by a single, giant version of a Sniffer, colored by darker shades of its color pattern. Irvin was proudly standing atop the machine, looking much more menacing that he previously was.

“Whoo, Captain's coverin' us!” Grainne Powders exclaimed upon looking at the new apparition. “'C'mon Stinks, let's waste 'em!”

“Don't tell me what to do...”

“Fine, lemme rephrase that. C'mon, Octopus, let's show 'em toddlers we mean business!”

“Better.” Contrasting with the tired tone of his voice, Nelson Stinks charged into battle with a fierce battle cry.

Arm's Tentacles! Execute!

Out of the pirate's bandana, steel gray tentacles with purple suckers as sole decoration popped out, reaching for TriggerZ. The cowboy player fell back and repelled the tentacles with precise gunshots, surprised by the sudden assault.

“Wow!" TriggerZ shouted. "Exogin alert!”

“And you seem to be a marksman. Let's see how entertaining you're going to be. Octopus!” Three more tentacles appeared, for a total of eight. At the tip of each one was a short-ranged weapon from dagger to short axes, ready to skewer the cowboy.

“What the heck?,” TriggerZ exclaimed, contemplating the strange weapon in front of him. “Looks like you're gettin' serious, huh. Time for the big guns!”

Sheenobi looked away the very moment the cowboy player put a hand to his back to take the cannon-shaped weapon resting on it – with Irvin preparing an assault, now was not the time to stare blankly at his teammates.

“So um, Exceed? What do we do?”

The Enchanter glanced at his SP gauge.

“Though I used more than one quarter of my SPs in my previous combat,” he explained, “the EnerOrbs allowed me to steal back quite a bit of what I lost. We have more than enough time and energy to deal with this boss. But first, allow me to test something...”

EnerOrb! Execute!

Exceedjinn raised his hand and a pulsing, multicolored sphere flew to Irvin's encounter.

Enemy Scale Shield! Execute!

Seconds before the sphere of light collided with its target, a wall of scale-shaped objects appeared in front of of the pirate, protecting him completely. Slightly below him, the iguana pet he had brought with him was glowing.

“Supporting pet, as I thought.” Exceedjinn commented, thinking aloud. “It should be dealt with quickly, else the Boss' attacks might be even more troublesome to stop or counter. Sheenobi, you and Diabolsaur are going to deal with the pet. I'll have to prevent its master to attack us all in the meantime. I'll buy you as much time as I can. Please do it quickly.”

“I told you already,” Sheenobi said, pulling out a card from her pocket bag. “I won't let you down. Come on, Diab! We've got a job to do.”

“Right! But I only have enough SPs for one move. And… I can't use my Saurian Surge anymore.”

“We'll improvise!”

Sheenobi rushed towards the giant Sniffer, but before she could prepare any invocation, a hatch opened up on the side of the machine, from which an average-sized Sniffer came out.

“Rustlynn!” Irvin shouted. “You know what to do!”

Exo-Merge! Execute!

The agile reptile jumped down from the giant Sniffer, her body shinning once again. Then, the animal fused with the machine.

Enemy Combo Skill: Mecha-Scale Swarm! Execute!

As it rolled away from the giant Sniffer, Rustlynn's possessed machine began glowing before slightly smaller versions of itself appeared, gleaming along with her. The possessed Sniffer performed a tight drift before rolling back to Diabolsaur and Sheenobi, who was ready despite her awe. "I call upon thee, being of sentient stone," she intoned, "for your earth-shaking might shall now be put to test! I summon thee… Come! Soldat, the Golem Giant!

Rising from the ground, a giant, humanoid-shaped rocky creature appeared. With a noise similar to boulders colliding with each other, it cracked its oversized fists while gazing down on the army of machines rolling in its direction.

“Quickly, Soldat! Use your Seismic Punch!”

Obeying his mistress, Soldat lifted his gigantic arm above his head and brought it down, impacting his fist with the ground like a meteor smashing through a defenseless land.

Area Effect Activated!

A good chunk of the group of Sniffers were instantly shattered by the blow, and those who had avoided the attack were instantly stunned. Among them was Rustlynn's machine.

“There!” Sheenobi shouted, pointing at the shinning green Sniffer. “Diab, cover me!”

“Got it!”

Parasite Expel: T-Rex! Execute!

Sheenobi ran towards the stunned Sniffers, pulling out a card from her pocket bag. Putting himself in battle stance, Diabolsaur swiftly flung his arm forward. His Gi began contorting itself and an enormous dinosaur head covered in a slimy black liquid hurled itself towards Rustlynn's machine.

Area Effect Target Status: Free.

The iguana retrieved its mobility, but it was too late: Diabolsaur's attack reached for the possessed Sniffer, which was struck by a powerful bite. The other remaining Sniffers approached it, using their bodies as protective ramparts. Sheenobi immediately stopped her mad dash, shoved her card back in her pocket bag and crouched. "They're controlled by Rustlynn," she thought to herself. "So that iguana must be an Exogin Class, Marabunta Style pet." Sheenobi took a sprinter's pose, with one knee touching the ground and the other bent, her feet ready to dart away.

Sprint Rhythm! Execute! Movement Speed Increase!

A white aura surrounded her body and she dashed once more, speedily dodging any Sniffer attempting to stop her advance. She quickly reached the main one's side and raised her hand, readying another card.

Enemy Scale Shield! Execute!

Rustlynn's Sniffer began glowing and her scale-shaped objects formed a spherical wall. Sheenobi smiled to herself as a bright light struck her card.

Ignited Land! Execute!

She quietly placed the card right next to the protected Sniffer and crouched once more before performing a back flip and running back to where Diabolsaur had been waiting for her.

“Wow!” he exclaimed, impressed. “That was amazing! I didn't know Summoners could move like that!”

“Thanks. And for the record, Sprint Rhythm is the only stat boosting Anthrofys-related Skill I have.”

“Oh, right! Anthrofys Class. Yeah, those guys like movement. But… Why aren't they chasing us anymore?” he continued, pointing at the Sniffers, who were still placed around the protected one at the center.

“Because they act like a Marabunta player,” Sheenobi explained confidently. “If you check the Enemy Status, you'll see it: Rustlynn's the core body, and the other Sniffers are controlled. Since her defensive skill's still in action, they're defending their core body at all costs.”

“Oh. Oh, darn, you're right!” Diabolsaur said after following her instructions. “Eight seconds 'til it stops. So what do we do next?”

Sheenobi put a hand on her hip and raised the other in a snapping position, her lips stretching to form the smile obtained by a plan well done. “Now, we strike the core, and we destroy the body.”

Enemy Scale Shield Status: Released!

The very second the shinning scales disappeared from around Rustlynn's possessed Sniffer, Sheenobi snapped her fingers, and the card she had place below the machine's wheels shone in response.

Trap Release: Ignited Land! Area Effect: Activated!

Sheenobi and Diabolsaur watched as a red flash appeared where Rustlynn was standing. And suddenly, a huge, unstoppable fire rose from the ground, burning everything in its path. The Sniffers had no time to organize themselves; they were immediately set ablaze, consumed by the trap Sheenobi had prepared for them. Diabolsaur clapped enthusiastically, delighted by the Summoner's performance.

“That takes care of that,” Sheenobi said as the burst of flames began to die down. “Pets don't have much life anyway, so our job was easy. Let's get back to...” She froze. Upon looking at her Martial Artist partner, her gaze had been attracted by a movement beyond his position. “Holy cow…!”

Startled by Sheenobi's reaction, Diabolsaur followed her look and noticed the strange movement as well: it was a shark fin. Followed by dozens of others, advancing in a straight line, meters away from them, despite the complete absence of water nor ways for them to swim underground.

“I… guess these guys are… those Doom-Shark thingies?” Diabolsaur inquired slowly.

Without wasting time, Sheenobi turned around and ran towards Exceedjinn, who had trapped a group of Sniffers in his Root Binds and was assaulting them with EnerOrbs and Pulse Shots.

“Exceedjinn!” she shouted. “We've got a problem!”

“I know!” the latter replied, destroying the last of Irvin's machines as the teenage girl arrived. “He has been chanting his spell for quite some time now, and I believe we need to get ourselves ready! I don't have the correct build to deal with boss fights on my own, but I didn't have a choice.”

“What do we do?”

The Enchanter put a hand to his face before removing it immediately. “Crud… hate that...” he mumbled to himself. “We must… Um... Right. Prepare a healing spell. Do you have any with a passive effect?”

“Uhh… Yeah! I have one.”

“Good. We'll use it.”

“...Come to me, my dear Lynn!”

The three players turned back at once, watching as the defeated iguana rushed back to its master. It quickly climbed the giant Sniffer before turning into a puddle of shinning green goo.

Enemy Exo-Merge! Execute! Enemy Stat Boost Activated!

The reptile merged with Irvin, and the latter's skin turned bright green, while a small eye appeared on his forehead.

Enemy Parietal Eye! Execute!

“None shall defeat the all-seeing leviathan that I have now become!” Irvin declared, stretching his arms as his third eye gleamed. “That is the true nature of I, Irvin Squaldon! And you worms shall finally find your place among the stomachs of my hungry Doom-Sharks! Attack!”

Enemy Doom-Shark Launcher! Execute!

“Sheenobi, focus your healing spell on Diabolsaur!” Exceedjinn said as water appeared below their feet. “Diabolsaur, evade or destroy those sharks if you must, but I need you to reach for the boss and distract him as much as you can. I'll have to save the rest of my strength to destroy the giant Sniffer. As I do this, Sheenobi will assist me with a powerful Summon. Understood?”

The two players nodded in agreement. An enormous amount of water was coming out of the giant Sniffer. The machine was shinning menacingly, and after a bright flash, the three players found themselves locked in a watery area, in which they were surrounded by a gigantic, never-ending waterfall.

“Welcome to my realm!” Irvin exclaimed from the edge of the new field. “Enjoy the bites!”

The line of shark fins Sheenobi had witnessed earlier appeared once again, swimming from Irvin's position to theirs, but too far on their left to be threatening. A second, seemingly endless line of shark fins appeared on their far right. Exceedjinn glanced at Sheenobi, who was already ready to begin her own move.

O delicate defender, bless those you deem worthy of thy soul with thy mystical strength!” she intoned. “I summon thee… Come! Elfinn, the Holy Defender!

A heavenly light struck Sheenobi's card, and a Spirit made its appearance above her. It was a beautiful, emerald green-skinned maiden dressed in a shinning sky blue dress. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to be praying, a light smile painted on her face. She lifted her head and a golden diadem appeared, as well as long, pure white hair cascading down her back.

“Elfinn!" Sheenobi commanded. "Use your Mystical Defense!”

The Spirit opened her arm, and Sheenobi, Excejinn and Diabolsaur were instantly surrounded by a silver aura. Their Life Gauges began regenerating, slowly but surely.

“It lasts 25 seconds,” Sheenobi said. “And it affects every player in a set area.”

“Good. Diabolsaur? Go.”

“You got it, Boss!”

With that, Diabolsaur dashed towards the giant Sniffer, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“As if I'd let you disrupt my assault!" Holding his cane in one hand and moving the other in the air, Irvin began controlling his sharks. Some of them broke the line and headed straight for Diabolsaur before rising their mouth out of the ground, exposing their three rows of razor sharp teeth.

“Yeah, never mind that, Boss, I'm not attacking this!” he screamed to Exceedjinn, dodging the deadly jaws.

Speed-Lock Spiral! Execute!

The familiar ball of light formed itself on the tip of Exceedjinn's staff, which he released below his feet. “That should slow down the sharks if they approach us,” he explained to Sheenobi, who was still by his side. “I shall keep using my Speed-Lock Spirals until you're ready to use your spell. When that's done, I will need your protection.”

“Full powered Bullet Hell?”

Exceedjinn nodded in agreement. “It does not require much SPs for me to use, and I still have more than half of my Gauge. The next assault shall be the last one.”

“I'll still have enough for a last Summon, in case of major trouble. So um, don't worry. We can do this.”

“Right.”

The duo watched as Diabolsaur struggled to navigate around the sharks converging towards him.

“Gah, darn it!" he exclaimed, frustrated. "There's no pattern to that thing! And I can't even fist them! I hate those sharks!” He suffered from several unavoidable bites, but Elfynn's healing effect as well as his own dodging prowess prevented him from losing too much Life. Diabolsaur rolled, dashed and leaped away as fast as he could, and before long, he had covered half of the distance he needed to run through.

Mystical Defense: Release!

The very moment the healing aura left its three hosts, a line of five sharks appeared at the edge of the watery area, crossing the field much faster than the others. Surprised by the change of pattern, Diabolsaur could only put his arms in front of his face before suffering from several bites, as two other lines of sharks appeared, inflicting more damage on him. He stopped moving forward, focused on his efforts to dodge the upcoming assaults.

“It's the eye,” Exceedjinn realized. “Irvin can see everything we do with his Parietal Eye. He was waiting for the healing spell to stop. And by the time another one is cast… Crud. Diabolsaur isn't going to make it. We… We might need another plan.”

Sheenobi glanced at him, sighing. Acting by the book wouldn't get them anywhere. “Fine.” she said after a moment of silence. “Guess I'll just improvise again.”

“Pardon?”

She crouched and pulled out another of her cards.

“What are you doing?” Exceedjinn inquired. “You're supposed to support me in case of trouble!”

“If Irvin can see everything we do and can counterattack accordingly, I'm useless here.”

“You're not. I can prevent him from countering your summons, and you seem to be equipped with one that destroys area effects – such as the one we are currently trapped in. As long as you can use that, my Bullet Hell will–”

“Deal with the Sniffer, yes.” she completed for him. “But if he sees it coming, Irvin will have a chance to avoid being one shot with that Scale Shield of his. And since he beats us all in close combat, he'll just call another Sniffer from his ship after I destroy the area. We've got no SP items, so we'll die.”

“I told you we needed to buy items before –”

Not the point!” she shouted back, exasperated. “Diabolsaur needs to do his job, and I can help with that. When I finish my summon, you're throwing your Bullet Hell immediately, and hopefully Irvin won't have the time to Scale Shield. Let's do this.”

Sprint Rhythm! Execute! Movement Speed Increase!

Sheenobi placed the card between her lips and sprung forward as a white aura circled around her legs. Where Diabolsaur had struggled to advance, she nimbly progressed across the field, brushing against the sharks without any worry nor damage. Their jaws could only catch the splashes of Sheenobi's ghostly steps – too late. She simply moved along, carried by the wave of her calm concentration.

Transfer Seal! Execute!

Sheenobi took the card stuck between her lips and, still running, stuck it on the ground just as she passed next to Diabolsaur, who could only stare at her with utter astonishment.

“Sheen?! How the...”

“Stay here and get on that card when I scream “now”!” was her only explanation as she pressed forward, sealing another card between her lips.

Gotta make it count...” More sharks broke the sidelines to try and stop her advance, but she only focused on evading the threatening ones, which were in front of her – the others were simply too slow to catch up with her speed. Suddenly, the two endless lines at the edge of the waterfall broke, with all the sharks forming it moving randomly across the field in a desperate attempt to confuse the Summoner. She stopped running for a few seconds, trying to find herself a safe way in.

...No. It's random. Screw safety.” She dashed once more and continued her “run and dodge” pattern, ignoring the various bites she couldn't avoid in time. The giant Sniffer was in sight.

“Why you little…!” Irvin said as she approached. Would you stop this mad rush?! My minions are hungry!”

She stopped running, crouched to take some momentum and leaped on the giant machine's tail before jumping once more and landing on top of it, right next to Irvin's position. The pirate had already unsheathed his fancy blade. “Very well then, girl,” Irvin said with a confident tone. “Come to my blade, and I shall stuff your paunch with a spider nest!”

Gross.” Sheenobi freed her card and swiftly placed it on the ground. “Diab! NOW!” she shouted at the top of her lungs.

“No tricks shall save you here!”

Enemy Swift Strike! Execute!

Transfer Seal! Trap Release!

Sprint Rhythm! 5 Seconds remaining!

Sheenobi swiftly jumped above the pirate captain, barely avoiding his attack. She then leaped over the edge of the Sniffer and landed on the water-filled ground below, readying another of her card.

“Where do you think you're going!” Irvin exclaimed, walking at the edge of his machine to stare down at his foe. “This is far from –”

“C'MERE YOU BULLY!”

Two powerful hands grabbed the captain's head before a vicious knee struck his back.

“That was for all of your sharks!” Diabolsaur shouted, visibly infuriated. He proceeded to kick the pirate in the gut, throwing him back on the center of the giant Sniffer. “I don't have any Skills left, but I sure as heck can bite too! So I'm a worm, now?! And you're also that big brute's master?! C'MERE I SAID!!”

“Unhand me you mindless maniac!”

“Shut the hell up and CHOKE! You DO NOT teach your men to hit random people! Apologize!!”

“Yup, he's distracted alright,” Sheenobi said to herself, chuckling. She pulled out yet another card from her pocket bag. The sharks around her were fading away. It was time to finish this. “Loyal guardian, dive once more from your sacred perch and guide my battling fury!” she chanted as a powerful wind lifted her short brown cloak. “I summon thee… Come! Aewing, the Fortress Wyvern!

A tornado formed itself behind Sheenobi as her card was engulfed by a bright light. From the savage gusts of wind appeared a bestial figure, with bat wings instead of frontal limbs, each being equipped with clawed paws. Equally sharp claws appeared at the beast's feet, while a long tail moved behind them. The creature flapped its wings, and the tornado disappeared, revealing a blue wyvern glaring down on the battlefield with a menacing green-eyed stare.

“Aewing!" Sheenobi shouted. "Use your Coal Blaze!” 

A burning red carbuncle grew on Aewing's forehead and he flew up. Taking a deep breath, he unleashed a mighty fire ball which collided with the field, engulfing it in a hellish fire in the process. The waterfall background was shattered, and the water below the players' feet disappeared, as well as the remained sharks that had been summoned by Irvin, who was himself affected by the fiery blast.

Battle Area: Destroyed!

“Well finally...” Sheenobi whispered to herself. She put her card back in her pocket bag and Aewing roared before disappearing in a gleam of light.

The very second the Spirit vanished, an army of speeding spheres flew above Sheenobi, who stared at the apparition, confused. The oversized bullets struck the giant Sniffer with amazing speed, and after seventy unstoppable blasts, the machine disappeared in an explosion of colors and smoke.

Player_Exceedjinn: Level Up! Player_Shenobi: Level up! Player_Diabolsaur: Level up!

“I suppose I should commend you for your good work,” a voice said in her back. Sheenobi turned her gaze away from the assault and looked at Exceedjinn, who was walking towards her. Remembering the way she shouted at him, the Summoner turned her gaze to the ground, embarrassed. “I… Um… Really sorry for all that. I felt like leaving Diab to die back there wasn't the good thing to do. And um, you were… kinda hesitating, I think, so I wanted to save him.”

“Interesting to see how confident you are when talking to your Spirits or acting alongside them, and how shy you become whenever you find yourself speaking to fellow human beings.” Exceedjinn commented coldly. “Well, when you're not shouting at them, that is.”

Oh gosh, I screwed up again. Way to go, me.” “I-I know,” she stuttered. “Just don't mind me, I'm better off talking to animals anyway. Um, let's see if the others are okay, okay? Sorry for shouting at you, really really sorry.”

“It's… fine. The results are what truly matter, and your idea worked. I am merely complaining about your lack of discipline, which is starting to remind me a lot about–”

“That was AWESOME!”

The duo turned their heads toards the burning Sniffer, from which Diabolsaur was walking away, his lips stretched in the happiest grin they had ever seen.

“Did you freakin' see that?!” he exclaimed, gesticulating excitedly. “I punched that guy so many times, and then he couldn't used his sword because I kept using my grabs, and then he tried to get up, but then a GIANT dragon burned everything, and the machine thing exploded, and the pirate lost all of his life gauge, and then I jumped and I still survived the blast, I mean I don't have much Life left, but that was awesome!! Hey hey, let's watch the other fight! Maybe Trig and Morkant are not finished yet, I wanna see them, come on, come on!!” 

The boy jumped in place several times before firmly taking his partners by the hand and running towards the other battlefield, where the three players had left TriggerZ and Morkant fighting against the two pirate battlers. One of them, Nelson Stinks, was already on the ground, knocked out.

“There they are! There they are!” Diabolsaur shouted, utterly pleased. “C'mon guys! We won! You can win too! Destroy them good!”

“Heard that Trig?” Morkant said, dodging a cannon shot from a badly wounded Grainne Powders. “I think it's time we finish this, heh. Ready?”

“Got it!”

Eager to focus on something else than her own embarrassment, Sheenobi quickly accessed her menu: Nelson Stinks and Grainne Powders were mini-boss type of enemies. They were both almost defeated, while TriggerZ and Morkant still had more than 60% of their Life left. Did they get item drops somehow?

“It seems like they managed to use Life potions,” Exceedjinn commented, checking his menu as well. “Hmm. We did well fighting here before the side-quest, instead of running away.”

“It's good to know we can at least deal with mini-bosses,” Sheenobi added.

“Indeed, though I suppose it's to be expected. We haven't met any major struggle yet.”

Sheenobi nodded in agreement, trying to follow the pace of the ending battle unfolding before her eyes.

“Trig! Bullet!”

Quick Draw! Execute!

TriggerZ suddenly moved in front of Morkant and took his pistol, firing just as Grainne Powders was about to shoot his friend with her Powder Cannon.

Astral Strings! Execute!

As the pirate lady fell on the ground, TriggerZ jumped back, allow Morkant to use his strings of white flames, catching the pirate with it. He pulled her in his direction, a satisfied smile on the face.

“Gah! Lemme go, Flame Head, if you know what's good for ya!”

“Now that's a joke I'd really like to hear more, considering the situation you're in, heh. So, Trig! You usin' that Mythos Cannon thing again?”

“Nah! Once was enough. Mr.Stinks over there would agree,” he added, pointing at the motionless body of the passed out pirate next to them. “I have a better idea though. Hold her tight!”

“That sounds dirty. Not that I'd complain, heh.”

“...Aw gosh, your mind is dirty, man!” Grinning despite his disgusted tone, TriggerZ took a few steps back before putting away his gun and planting both of his hands on the ground.

Gatling Summon! Execute!

“Check out the Skill I got from my Unique Quest!” he exclaimed as the ground below his feet began shaking. Seconds later, a metallic black turret rose from the ground, on top of which rested a gatling gun, which TriggerZ immediatelly took in his arms, smiling gleefully. “Trigger finger's itchy! Yeee-hooo!” he shouted before pulling the trigger, resulting in the weapon rotating on itself. A flurry of bullets was released towards the immobilized pirate lady, who didn't even have the time to shout, as her body was instantly pierced by the speedy bullets.

“Whew! That was refreshingly violent,” TriggerZ said in a joking tone, putting a hand to his hat as Grainn Powders' body fell on the ground.

Player_TriggerZ: Level up! Player_Morkant: Level up!

“Whooo! We all did it! We're awesome!” Diabolsaur exclaimed, running towards TriggerZ and Morkant.

“Um… For the record?” Sheenobi began, gazing up at Exceedjinn. “I… don't think I'll ever be undisciplined enough to act like Diab. I don't think that's my style.”

“I learned something important from this,” Exceedjinn admitted. “Movement is another way to provide efficient support for teammates.”

“Oh. Um, okay. What do you mean by that?”

“You'll see in due time. As for you… Hm. As long as you can cooperate or beat me to the job when you don't, I do believe I can get used to your… style. In short… I'll be fine.”

Exceedjinn put a hand to his face, but this time, Sheenobi grabbed it before he could finish his movement. “What the–”

“Glasses,” she said, her embarrassment gone. “You don't have them. So doing that is useless.”

The Enchanter unleashed a weary sigh. “...Your intellect is acknowledged.”

She smiled. “Much appreciated.”


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88 Reviews


Points: 2954
Reviews: 88

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:05 pm
EnderFlash wrote a review...



EHUEHUEHEUHUE

She lifted her head and a golden diadem appeared, as well as long, pure white hair cascading down her back.
Did her hair appear after everything else? Because putting that hair description after the diadem appeared makes it sound like it. If it did, ignore this.


Just gonna put this out there: Sometimes, it's hard to tell who's speaking what. Unless it's obvious via speech patterns or dialogue content, try to put some sort of action or description in order to let your readers know who is speaking. For example:
“...Aw gosh, your mind is dirty, man!”

Grinning despite his disgusted tone, TriggerZ took a few steps back before putting away his gun and planting both of his hands on the ground.

I'm not sure who's talking here. Is TriggerZ grinning despite Diabolsaur's tone? Or is he grinning despite his own tone? I can tell if I retrace a couple paragraphs, but you don't want your reader to do that all the time.

Comments and Impressions!

1. Aw, I love Sheenobi, from her name to her personality.

SHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIP

2. Diabolsaur's also amusing. You really deserve that award from a couple chapters back; your characters are all vivid and distinguished! :D

3. This is indeed an excellent boss battle :) I loved the action and interaction between the characters, especially that Sheenobi improv scene. Keep on writing~




TinkerTwaggy says...


...Wait... How come I never answered THAT Review? I'm pretty sure I had!
...Ah well. Better late than never I guess.


-Yes, her hair appeared after everything else. BECAUSE BALD LADIZ ARE BADASS.

- ...Hm. Point taken. If I didn't fix that by now, I will by the next time I re-read everything.
I need to stop thinking some things are obvious when they're not...


1. Had a lot of fun developping her character in Chapter 8 and this one. Thank you!
*joins the shipping frenzy*

2. Yeees, he's also super fun to write, as you can imagine. Thankies :3

3. Thanks! I will. And I'll have to catch up with YOUR chapters as well, GOSH I'M SO LATE T_T

Us boys are REALLY terrible.



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Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:45 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



I hate school so much that I half-wish I could join this story... but then I remember that I have a class that involves building things and messing with a 3D modelling program.

Well, let's move on to the review, shall we?

Challenge: It's time for poetic device!

I complimented you last chapter on your consistent and descriptive details. The attacks are coming to life, and you're doing a good job branching out with different formats of description.

However, there is always room for improvement, and using poetic device is one of my favorite ways to spice up a description. For you, personification will probably be the most useful, as it will add interest to the attacks and spells without bogging down the action. So from here on (unless I find something that really needs attention), I'm going to challenge you to utilize a variety of devices.

For this next chapter, try a bit of personification! Give the attacks verbs that convey emotions, or if there's a special drop-item, make it really shine with an action that you'd normally associate with people. (Like with fire attacks, you can try 'devour,' though that's kind of an over-used example.)

Other stuff:

1. As a girl, I am always very concerned about how women are portrayed in writing. Sheenobi, Kaz, and the Fox lady are outnumbered, a situation I am all too familiar with, but they all seem to cope in a similar way: by being more masculine than the boys around them. All three have chosen highly combative Styles (which I understand can't be changed now) and possess headstrong personalities.

Now, I understand why you wrote them this way and where they come from. A lot of girls in action stories are stubborn, good at teasing, and usually "one of the boys," because otherwise people will call these ladies "old-fashioned," or worse, vapid.

You've already made strong choices regarding the feminine sides of the girls, like Kaz's choice to wear a skirt, but as we get further into the story, I want to see more. As you characterize the three leading ladies, think about how they view other girls (disdain, envy, fear...) and how they've been treated for liking video games.

2. The dynamic between Sheenobi and Exceedjinn is cute. A++

3. This was a very satisfying boss fight to read. It's fun to see the strategist characters shown-up by their more impulsive teammates, and the climax was placed in a fitting spot. Good job! (And we'd better get back to Mettrick's group next, because the suspense is killing me.)

Until next time!
-Buggie




TinkerTwaggy says...


Pretty much me when I was watching Megaman Battle Network.
Which is exactly why I created this story in the first place, lol. (With the exception that I actually like school. Not... not all of it though)

...Hm. Interesting. I guess I'm too focused on details to be poetic, unless my whole text is like that, (scuh as in the PhoBits thing). Thanks for the challenge! Hopefully I'll succeed.


1. Actually me too, though that's only because I've known a few girls that I consider as badasses, so I don't like portraying girls as bein' weak as a result.
(Um, actually, they can be changed. But I'll get into that later on. And it doesn't necessarily mean they're changing Classes and Styles. Just that it's a possibility. Not at the moment though.)

Some of that is already planned, but I'm taking notes. Thank you.

2. :3

3. I am glad to hear that. And um, yeah, that "stretegist is God Tier because he's got the brainz & planz" is too much of a trend, so I'm trying to make everyone count in some way. Thanks!
(ehh. You'll get your answer byt he end of this week ;) )

Bai!




Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria