E - Everyone

Muster Heroes – ​QuickSave 4

Exploring the Lore! The Witch and the Great B

“Why are you so bent on thinking that we can't teach good things to our children through entertainment, AKA video games? At this point, I think you'll never be able to understand. It's like you live in a 2-D world, and I'm trying to explain to you how a 3-D world functions. We can't understand each other, not because your world has two in it and mine has three, but because that brain of yours doesn't accept possibilities that you've never seen. That's sad, considering we're both human beings.”

Sonja Rollins, during a debate with detractors of Project: Muster Heroes.

“She doesn't want what's inside the Citadel to butcher us all?” Fulguro repeated, slightly surprised. “What's inside of it?”

Vick sighed and took a chair that was resting against a wall on his right. He sat on it and joined his hands, moving his thumbs nervously above the bar. “I don't know all the details," he replied, "but apparently the Citadel of Ire and the Witch are related. My son Bygorn likes to go there to see his grandma, and when he comes back, he usually tells me whatever he's seen in the Citadel. The last time he went there, he told me about some kind of fairy tale people there knew about.”

“And I guess you're going to tell us about it?” Mettrick intervened.

“Well if you kids want to go there, you'd best knowing about whatever info I've got on the place.”

Fulguro nodded. “That's fair. Well, we're listening!”

“Right. So once upon a time, the island was apparently much bigger: it was a continent. And at the time, the Witch was just some girl with magical powers. She was persecuted by other people 'cause they didn't understand her powers. But she did her best to survive and all that.”

“Pretty classic so far,” Kamikaz commented.

“Can't help that, I didn't make that story,” Vick contered. “So, one day, some kind of shooting star hit the continent. The witch was the only one who wasn't scared of it, so she walked towards the thing and noticed that it was some sort of rocky shell. She thought it was a treasure, so she took it and kept it in her lair. After some days, she realized that the shell was growing and changing shape, and that's because it wasn't a rock, but an egg. She felt like it was her duty to take care of it since she had found it. So, she did, and she wasn't heard from for a while.” Vick rose up. He reached out for the cupboard behind him and opened it to take a cylinder-shaped glass. He then took a liquor placed under the bar and filled the glass almost entirely.

“Superhero origin,” Kamikaz intervened again. “This story's definitely a superhero thing, now I'm sure of it.”

“Could be a villain," Mettrick objected. “A guy that wants peace and justice doesn't have a fortress that's called 'Citadel of Ire.'"

“I'm betting that whatever this baby thing is will be the final boss of the Citadel,” Yatsu added, nodding to himself. “Then again I guess it's kinda obvious by now.”

“Be sure to scream 'called it!' whenever that's confirmed, Creepy Mask,” Kamikaz retorted, giggling. "Y'know, I think you should've called yourself Maskreep."

"Hey, I choose my own names! Hmm... Okay, maybe that one's not too bad, though."

"You're welcome."

“Aight, I'm back,” Vick suddenly interrupted after tranquility finishing another drink. The players could smell something in the air, and they all gazed at the barman's bottle. The scent was like a mix of several alcohols they had all smelled somewhere, but fortunately, it wasn't very strong. 

“Sorry, I don't really like telling long stories like that, I feel like I need to pause for a bit every time. Nothing like a Max Turtle to feel better. Anyway, back to the tale. So the witch took the rock thingy in her cave and she wasn't heard from in years. After that, she suddenly appeared in a town, but this time she was accompanied by some kind of monster that pretty much destroyed everything it could.”

“What did it looked like?”

Vick gazed at Mettrick and shrugged. “I just remember that it's entirely made of rocks and lava, with a big shell on its back. Ask Bygorn for the details. Anyway, so it destroyed everything it could. Oh, and it talked, too. So after trying to fight them, some folks were so terrified they decided to help the two get whatever they wanted, and they started gathering an army like that. After a while, they managed to create a vast empire across the entire continent, completely unified.”

“Wow,” Kamikaz exclaimed. “Achievement unlocked on the conquering business. Where was that fairy tale in my bedroom?”

“I… don't know if I would've enjoyed it, personally,” Fulguro added, thoughtful. "Sounds pretty bad."

“After conquering the entire continent," Vick continued, "the witch and her creature were satisfied, or at least she was because even if they had taken it with ruthless methods, they had created an empire far more secured that it was before they had appeared. Thing is, the creature wasn't actually satisfied at all. It wanted to conquer far beyond the continent, and the problem was that its power was growing, and there was nothing the witch could do about it. So the… thing decided that it was time to conquer something far beyond anyone's reach.”

“So, like… It wanted to conquer the sky?” Yatsu suggested.

“The stars, apparently,” Vick corrected. “And somehow, it managed to actually reach the stars with the witch by its side. Nobody except them knows what happened there - and Bygorn didn't tell me. Maybe they met some gods, or maybe they traveled for a while and found nothing, who knows. Point is when they came back, other shooting stars began raining down along with them, and a good chunk of the empire they had created was destroyed and sank into the ocean. The creature was really angered, but this time, the witch wanted to calm it down. So, she sealed it in the remnants of the empire's capital, which is, you've guessed it, the Citadel of Ire. And since then she doesn't want anyone to approach the place, because someone could wake up the creature by mistake and nobody wants that. There, I'm finished.”

"And that creature doesn't have a name?"

"Apparently not. I think Bygorn called it "The Great B", but I could be wrong. If you want details, go ask him. You can usually find him at the Loot Shell, which is at the very edge of Boil Harbor. You can't really miss it since it's shaped like a huge treasure chest. He loves to get himself some personal loot, especially if beating up strangers is involved!" with that, Vick let out a loud laugh. 

“Kids!”

The five players looked to their left: a stairway they hadn't noticed was placed there, and Luciole's voice could be heard from a floor above them.

“The rooms are ready! Right door for the boys, and left one for the girls!”

“Well, sorry kids," Vick said, "but my daughter's in the back, and I promised I'd help her with sword-practice after dealing with the clients. You'll get the chance to see her whenever you come back here since she's usually around to help me clean up the place. See ya kids later!"

With that, Vick opened the door behind him and left the players with determined strides.

“So I guess our next step is to find this Bygorn guy?” Fulguro said.

“We'll probably need to rest first,” Mettrick interrupted. He was staring at the ground, thoughtful.

“Wha? Why?” Kamikaz intervened. “We owned those pirates without breaking a sweat! The sooner we'll get our info, the better!”

“We still had to use one or two skills, though, and our SPs are limited.” Yatsu objected. 

“And technically, we're still beginners," Mettrick continued. "We don't know where the next challenges are, and I'm pretty sure there are some other side quests waiting for us later, so let's be careful. 

"Vick left us a hint, too." Fulguro said. "About Bygorn, I mean. He likes 'beating up strangers'. That's what we'll be to him, so, he's probably the next boss. he's the next boss. If we want talk to him, we'll have to fight him at the Loot Shell.”

"If he's alone," Kamikaz said, grinning, "I'm taking the front lines!"

"Didn't I tell you at the Saloon Brawl?" Yatsu intervened, exasperated. "Stop behaving like an almighty warrior. You're not."

"Hey! I'm not doing this for me this time, it's for Lil' Met!"

Mettrick raised an eyebrow. "What do I have to do with that?"

Kamikaz frowned. "Your strategy! I'm part of the scouts, remember? I'm supposed to give you info on whatever boss we'll have to fight, so, if I fight the dude first, you'll have all the time to plan his defeat, right?"

The boy's eyes widened. He was once again surprised by Kamikaz's train of thought. "But... I mean, yeah, that could work, but that was for the Chimerical Plains run. Not... Y'know, in general."

"Hey, I didn't call myself 'Kamikaz' just for the pun." Kamikaz exclaimed, pridefully hitting her chest with her fist. "Fighting in the front lines is my thing, so you make the plans, and I help ya carry them out. Deal? Deal!"

Yatsu let out a chuckle. "I suddenly remember a certain sarcastic comment about 'bromance'."

"Shut up, Maskreep."

"I'm just sayin'."

"So," J interrupted loudly. "Resting, or going?"

The group glanced at her. J was still stoic, but her right hand had slightly tightened its grip around her rapier – which she hadn't sheathed since their entrance in McBernic's Tavern. 

“If we're right about this," Fulguro began to cover the awkward silence that had followed J's question, "then yeah, I'd rather have my SP gauge full, too.  think we should rest. And by the way, Mettrick? Shouldn't we warn Exceedjinn about what we found? We don't really need to talk to NPCs anymore, except the ones related to our side quest.”

“Oh! Exceed. Right. Wait a sec.” Mettrick moved his hand to access his menu. He looked for his classmates' character status and once he found Exceedjinn's, he pushed the “Instant Contact” button.

“Uh… I guess I should put him in Speaker Mode?" Mettrick wondered out loud. He pressed another button, and they all waited for the Enchanter to answer Mettrick's call. When it finally happened, a loud battle cry was heard on the other side of the line, followed by an equally loud dialogue and several screams, gunshots, and grunts.

Bloody hell! TriggerZ, assistance needed! Shoot the ones on my left!

Roger that!

Sheenobi! Summon something again, I need some support for the others! Oh for the love of…! Diabolsaur! Stop fooling around and finish them off!

Slide for the win!!

A loud sigh was heard, accompanied by various painful screams audible in the background.

You called, Mettrick?" Exceedjinn said. "Found anything?

Kamikaz tried her best to restrain herself from laughing at the chaos. Yatsu, despite the mask covering his face, was apparently about to laugh as well.

“Uhh… Yeah, we found something,” Mettrick confirmed, trying to keep his calm. “We found some info about the lore of Boil Harbor, the Citadel of Ire and the witch that's guarding the Chimerical Plains. We also know where to find more precise info on the Chimerical Plains, but we figured we had to fight a boss to get them. We're about to head there.”

I am glad to hear that. Well then, carry on with your mission, we'll keep exploring around Boil Harbor. I shall– Diabolsaur!! What did I say?!

But I beat them like you said! It's just this guy who–

A gunshot ringed on the other side of the line.

“Is… is everything alright?” Mettrick enquired carefully.

No! Not in the slightest! I'll call you back!"

The communication was cut, soon followed by a silence, slightly interrupted by Kamikaz's giggles. “This year's gonna be loads of fun,” she concluded joyfully.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review

Salutations!

Today is Heritage Day, so we have an class-free day! As such, I have ample time to review one of your chapters, although this one is actually shorter than expected! I doubt it will be any less entertaining, of cours- Riiight, you had mentioned you'd gotten around to editing this chapter before I could review it. You weren't kidding about cutting a couple thousand words from it, you sneak!


Ah, that opening note is an interesting one! It makes sense that there would be people either opposed to or incapable of seeing the benefits of education through entertainment, since, you know, such vision-less people exist in reality. I wonder if this Sonja lady will feature later on. A good analogy to use, and it is rather fitting.

Hmm, the storytelling is okay, but I can't enjoy it all that much. Firstly, the errors keep throwing me off:
• "The last time he went there, he told me about some kind of fairy tale people there knew about."
~ "Fairytale" is a single word. It's difficult knowing which concepts in English are one word and which aren't, so I guess this is just another one you'll need to memorise.
• "Well if you kids want to go there, you'd best knowing about whatever info I've got on the place."
~ There are several ways you can phrase that to be grammatically correct. I understand Vick has an informal speaking style, but he mostly limits himself to contractions and colloquial phrasing. Rewriting it to something like "you'd be best knowing whatever I do about the place" or "you'd best know as much as you can about the place" would be more natural and less confusing.
• "“Can't help that, I didn't make that story,” Vick conquered."
~ I can only imagine that you meant "countered" here. If you did mean "conquered", however, then I have to point out that's not accepted usage for it.
• "He reached out for the cupboard behind him and opened it to take a cylinder-shaped glass."
~ This is less an error and more an inefficient description. A better word to use here would be "cylindrical".
• "“Be sure to scream 'called it!' whenever that's confirmed, Creepy Mask,” Kamikaz retorted, giggling. "Y'know, I think you should've called yourself Maskreep.""
~ It would have been better, in my opinion, if Kamikaz had "replied", rather than "retorted", to Yatsu instead, as he was making a general observation, rather than commenting on something she had said specifically. Also, while "Maskreep" would make a good Pokémon name, I feel Yatsu is a better online handle. The name would also be obsolete as soon as he ditched the mask, or if it ceased being creepy. (Why are the quotation marks here straight, instead of slanted like they are everywhere else? Did you add them in an edit?)
• "“What did it looked like?”"
~ Error of agreement here; any verbs following "did" are by default written in their present simple form. It must therefore be "did look".

Besides the errors and occasionally awkward phrasing, another thing that bothers me is the interlude. You focus too much on the characters talking between the telling of the story and the bartender enjoying his drink. The story is not that long already, and with the characters reacting to it while it's being told, you more than sufficiently ensure it's not perceived as a monologue or infodump. I recommend cutting out the fluff, as it takes significance away from the tale.

The way you end the story is also rather abrupt. Vick is still doing a good job of explaining it, providing details while also conveying his uncertainty about the matter, and then the reader is slapped with a sudden "There, I'm finished." This would have been the ideal moment for him to take a swig of alcohol to quench his thirst, which you could mention either just before or just after he concludes the story.

Ah, also, Vick's status as NPC becomes slightly clearer during his explanation, because he becomes somewhat repetitive when insisting on the group needing to speak to his son for more details. If that was intentional, it's fine, but otherwise, you might want to keep it in mind for future scenes.

Hmm, resting is probably a good idea! Visiting the Pokémon Centre is free and therefore a good idea, no matter how little HP or PP you've lost. Besides, the cast probably need to eat or drink or visit the lavatory in real life, and this would be a good break to allow that. (The sentence "The sooner we'll get our info, the better!" has an unneeded "will" in the indicated contraction.)

Fulguro made a valid observation. I was too busy focusing on other points to realise the cast would need to battle Bygorn before he'd help them. Oh, but "That's what we'll be to him, so, he's probably the next boss. he's the next boss." happened. Tsk, tsk, tsk, what sloppy editing!

The call interrupting Exceedjinn's group's battle is a fun one! I initially thought they were fighting Bygorn, but since they're battling multiple enemies, that's probably not the case. It'll be neat to hear about the experience once they've all regrouped. Kaz's concluding comment is an excellent way to end the chapter, although the final tag "she concluded joyfully" is definitely something to ditch - we can see she's joyful, and it's obviously a conclusion, so why would you tell us that and lessen the impact of the dialogue itself?


This was a good continuation of the previous chapter. It didn't start too suddenly, but it still began in such a way that the reader could easily go, "Ah, yes, this is where we ended last time!" If you had indeed defluffed this chapter by as much as you claimed while still keeping the most important parts, then congratulations! You succeeded marvelously. It's always better to aim for succinctness in our writing, as I... would know quite well.

I have no idea exactly what will happen next, though I expect the ten students to recuperate and then initiate the boss encounter, while the bossfight itself will probably only start in the chapter after that. I'll have to wait and see!

~ Hunter

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

I thought I would hate Kamikaz, but I'm really starting to like her...

Anyways, let's move on to the review, shall we?

Note 1: Be like Kamikaz, active, not passive.

I know I gave you this advice before, but since you're slipping back into the habit, I thought it best to remind you.

Try to avoid the passive voice unless you really want to direct attention to the object receiving action. Even in the conversation with Exceedjinn, when the sources of some sounds were unknown, I think you overused the passive. (the phrase "something-something was heard" appeared far too often.)

I think in that specific case, using verbs that go with phones and speakers might be the best idea, even though the sound is conveyed through the "magic" of the game.

Note 2: Just because some companies use weird clothing tags, doesn't mean your dialogue tags should be too fancy.

Someone has probably told you not to overuse the word 'said.' Ignore them. They gave you misleading information.

With the comment: "avoid 'said,'" people usually mean that you should change up the format of the text accompanying your dialogue. You already show proficiency in this, but often, when you opt to use a dialogue tag (he said, she said), you use obscure verbs that throw off the rhythm of your writing.

If you are cruising through a section of speech that doesn't involve whispering and yelling and you decide that you're using 'said' too much, just ditch the tag and you'll be fine.

Impressions!

1. I should have said something when Kamikaz and Mettrick first talked to each other in the game, but late is better than never, right? I think the relationship between the two is quite amusing, and I'm curious to see where it will go.

2. I am amazed at how you handle so many characters at once. I think some of them may deserve spotlight soon, since I've forgotten who half of them are (my bad...), but I'll let you handle all the development and such, since you're probably better at it than me.

Uh... that's all for now. I'd comment on the plot, but I'm too busy trying to predict your next move.

Ta ta for now!
-Buggie

User avatar
EnderFlash
Review

Exceed appeared again! -(.u.-) At the rate he's going, I'm going to start calling him 'my baby'. What? I'mafangirl,okay

Some of the choices of description are weird, like "left the players with determined strides" confuses me over whether he walks away with strides, or if the players were left with determined strides. I know it becomes obvious once I put it like that, but I actually had to reread that line a couple times to get it. Tranquilly is also a... not bad, persay, but different word to use. Calmly would've worked just fine, right?

Hah, not many comments nor opinions. Trying to play host at my mom's party is draining the life out of me...

...I still don't quite understand why you like him so much, but it's funny
Please keep fangirling, 'cause I think you're gonna like the next chapter :3

Oh. That's because I'm French. In any of my chapters written in English, you WILL see strange word choices that work, but make the piece look... awkward, or weird. That's me. That's not something I can entirely fix. "Tranquily" instead of calmly, for instance. To me, it is perfectly normal to replace the latter by the former, because they're synomyms that work in this context. But I don't know how English people or people that are used to read English stuff feel about it, because I'm not English myself.

D'aaaw, too bad. but you can add comments and impressions now! Assumign that you're less tired, that is :D

User avatar
Sillia
Review
Sillia wrote a review · Mon Aug 10, 2015 1:07 am

Sillia here!

So overall I really like this story! There are some tweaks that I would suggest, not nessesarily at any one point but something to keep in mind throughout the continuation of your writing. Make sure you keep a focus on detail. That dosen't just mean you just write "the sea is a dark colblat blue" more like the smells the feel the views; everything. Something that i always say in my review; Detail, detail, detail! the picture that you see in your head; try to project it onto the paper, or in this case the screen!

Otherwise i really enjoyed reading this! I look forward to reading more!

Keep writing,
<3 Sillia



The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris