E - Everyone Violence

Muster Heroes – QuickSave 7

Life and death! Avoiding the Iron Maidens

“There are 24 Styles in Muster Heroes, and each group of four is inspired by one of the Six Classes available for the Humanoids. Take the Warrior Class, for example. There are four warrior-like Styles inspired by it:

The Weapon Masters, which are specialized in using a variety of close-combat weapons;

The Marksmen, who prefer using ranged weapons;

The Martial Artists, which are specialized in weaponless forms of combat – or the use of specialized weapons thanks to which they can channel their life energy for powerful blows;

And finally, the Guardians, heavily armored Warriors who use a variety of defensive techniques, to protect themselves or their teammates.”

Lionel Raikanj, during a presentation of Project: Muster Heroes.

Kamikaz grinned as the two magic circles beneath her feet began glowing simultaneously. The oversized triangles inside began spinning furiously, and a sudden gush of wind invaded the air all around her. She raised her hand in the air and snapped her fingers. Answering her call, a black smoke circled around Kamikaz. As it did, a terrifying, high-pitched whistling noise resounded in the air. As a result, Bygorn and the twin sisters behind him found themselves instantly stunned, unable to run away from whatever creature caused the irritating sound.

“No need to try and dodge now, guys!” Kamikaz screamed over the whistle. “The chant totally adds a stun effect to Devil's Breeze! Enjoy the experience!”

The purple smoke moved behind Kamikaz's back, taking the form of gigantic, widespread bat wings. Then, out of the magic circles on the ground, a head shaped like a black burlap sack emerged, staring at the group of bosses with its glowing red eyes. It opened an equally glowing mouth filled with razor-sharp fangs. A svelte, shadowy figure of a body emerged after the head, and Bygorn, Azuria, and Carnat could only stare at the titanic apparition, still stunned. Kamikaz stretched her arms, a sadistic smile on the face. “Kaboom,” she whispered.

Behind Kamikaz, the shadowy demon imitated her movement and released an ear-piercing cry – thus activating the second, much shorter stun effect. He began glowing unnaturally and seconds later, an army of little ghostly beings broke free from the devil's body, perfect miniature copies of the figure. They hastily flew towards Bygorn, who was finally free to move. He rushed next to the twin sisters behind him. The ground below them moved furiously – they had had the time finished a summoning of their own, but it was too late: as Bygorn reached their side and turned back to face the creatures, they fell on him and detonated upon contact, creating a sphere-shaped explosion at the base of the loot pile.

Boom boom boom!!” Kamikaz shouted, overjoyed. “C'mon, destroy them all!” She watched as her demonic fireworks lit the Loot Shell with various shades of purples, the explosion growing larger and larger as more devils flew towards the bosses. A powerful wind blew all around the battle area, and Kamikaz's cape moved along with it, in a mesmerizing movement of back and forth. The teenage girl chose this moment to turn back. “Lil' Met?” she called as the noisy explosion's power began to fade. “Tell everyone to sit back and watch. I'm dealin' with them until you've all seen everything they can do, okay? Then you can kill them good!”

The devilish shadow behind Kamikaz disappeared, to her slight disappointment. She probably wouldn't have to use it again in a while… But oh well. She still had Kerberos.

“No, Kaz!" Mettrick objected. "You said you wanted to work for my strategy, remember? Well, my strategy doesn't involve sacrificing teammates!”

Kamikaz squealed internally. He had called her a teammate. “Okay, fine,” she said, pouting. “So, what's the plan?”

“D'you have a taunting skill?”

“Yuh-huh!”

“Then use that to keep an eye on Bygorn. I'll back you up with Yatsu. Fulguro and J, you focus on the twins." 

"If they're losing too much HP, I can help," Yatsu assured. 

Kamikaz rapidly accessed her menu: she had only two Life potions and one Skill potion, which she immediately drank. Her SP gauge was at 65%, which was more than enough for her little game against Bygorn. “Ok I'm good,” she said. “Let's get 'em!”

The group rushed to the base of the loot pile, where they witnessed two new constructions surrounding Bygorn.

“Huh. They protected themselves with iron maidens,” Fulguro observed as Azuria and Carnat opened the doors of their construction, smiling mischievously. 

“Whew!” Bygorn exclaimed as the iron maiden disappeared. “Well that was freakin' close! And scary!”

Kamikaz looked at their life bars. The twins lost about ten percent of it, and Bygorn was close to one-quarter of his life bar depleted. “Wha… That's it?!” Kamikaz exclaimed. "Those iron maidens are stupid!”

“Also,” Yatsu added, “we're beginners. Don't expect our over-powered stuff to be super powerful against bosses.”

“Why'd you always have to ruin the mood, Maskreep?”

“I'm just sayin'.”

“Alright, guys!” Mettrick interrupted. “Stick to the plan! Kaz?”

“Right on!”

Battle Cry! Execute!

Taking back her trident from the ground, Kamikaz pointed the weapon at Bygorn. “C'mere, boy! Kerberos and I have a bone to pick with ya!”

The boss immediately rushed towards her and Kamikaz fell back, drawing him away from his teammates.

“Stop dartin' around!” Bygorn exclaimed.

"Like I'd do it 'cause you ask me too!"

Triple Head Lance! Execute!

Kamikaz dodged a sword hit from her opponent and unleashed a lightning fast thrust towards Bygorn, who was pushed away by the sheer might of the blow. “Now it's me and my teammates versus you alone!" she exclaimed. "I hope your body's ready to get some new piercings, kid!”

“Helmeton: Take off! Formation Assault!”

Kamikaz stopped her movement, allowing the supporting minions to attack Bygorn before she could. The tiny helmets with legs and pickaxes jumped all over the place, striking the enemy with small but rapid hits. Mettrick joined her side, a frown stuck on his face as he focused to understand the boss' pattern. She glanced at him, fighting off an urge to arrange the ruffled hair below his helmet. 

“One Helmeton's down,” Mettrick observed. “Kaz, prepare a Triple Head Lance. Fully charged.”

“Roger that!”

“Yatsu, Think you can go help my Helmetons from up close?”

“Sure can! Give me a minute.”

Masquerade: Pirate! Execute!

Yatsu's red cloak turned green, while a large hat of the same color appeared on his head, bearing a ridiculously long lavender feather on top of it. A golden, curved, one-edged blade appeared in his left hand. “Death is the only adventure you have left,” Yatsu chanted. “Taste the might of my Ruffian Blade!”

Dramatic Quote Bonus Activated!

With that, Yatsu dashed forward and executed several moulinets with his blade, hitting his foe with a large number of cuts with his spinning blade. Bygorn, too busy trying to fend off the little Helmetons, could barely block the assault. Yatsu ended his attack with a powerful thrust, making Bygorn almost fall on his knees.

“Take this!” Kamikaz shouted from behind. “Even spawns of Hell can't handle it: Triple Head Lance!”

Triple Head Lance! Execute!

Catchphrase Bonus Activated!

Kamikaz hurled her trident towards Bygorn, who took the sudden attack head-on, unable to dodge it. She then dashed across the battlefield, reaching for the weapon that had fallen right next to Bygorn and swiftly picked it up, just in time to block a sword cut from the pirate child.

62% of HP left, Kamikaz thought after glancing above the boy's head. Tough kid! Lil' Met should take lessons from him. A sudden image of a bodybuilding Mettrick appeared in Kamikaz's mind. She giggled.

Battle Cry Target Status: Free.

“Kaz!”

“Got it!”

Kamikaz dodged another series of blows from Bygorn's sword before reading another Battle Cry.

“Hey, By–”

Enemy Monkey Flip! Execute!

Bygorn suddenly sheathed his sword behind his back and gripped Kamikaz's shoulders. He proceeded to fall backwards, planted a foot on her waist once she found herself off balance and rolled on his back, flipping her over him. Kamikaz flew away and landed on the base of the loot pile, barely able to understand what had happened to her.

“And stay down!” Bygorn shouted before rushing to the rescue of his own comrades.

“Yatsu, don't let him escape!” Mettrick shouted, running to Bygorn's encounter. "Helmetons: Return!”

“I got it!”

Masquerade Traveler! Execute!

Yatsu's cloak turned brown, and shining golden boots appeared at his feet. He performed a swift leap and found himself way in front of Bygorn, blocking his way.

Masquerade Pirate! Execute!

Appearing in his pirate outfit once again, Yatsu flamboyantly unsheathed his Ruffian Blade and swung it around.

“Yeah, not this time, big guy!”

Enemy Arm Rain! Execute!

Still running, Bygorn pulled out his sword as well and swung it around, performing several moulinets with just as much as ease Yatsu. They engaged in a speedy sword fight in which only their arms moved quickly enough to appear blurry to the naked eye. But after several seconds, Yatsu had to fall back; being a natural Warrior, Bygorn's ability with the sword exceeded his own. Overpowered, Yatsu took several more steps back, only to receive a vicious kick in the gut after doing so. Bygorn resumed his mad rush, approaching J and Fulguro at full speed. The duo were still fighting against the twins, but several iron maidens had been placed all around them.

“Yatsu!” Mettrick called, running to his encounter. “Heal yourself and Kaz, then go help Fulguro and J.”

No!” Kamikaz intervened, running after Mettrick. “No time to worry about me! Just go help Fulgy and J! We'll figure somethin' out from here!”

“Kaz, you're being too careless.”

“Not true! I have a plan. Besides, they'll have the boss plus his main minions to fight over there, right? And we don't know what combos they have!”

Mettrick considered her words for a few seconds. “...Okay, you have a point. Yatsu, go help 'em. We'll go with whatever Kaz improvised.”

The masked player nodded before accessing his menu and drinking a health potion – how the virtual liquid managed to go through his mask, that remained would

“So," Mettrick continued after he ran off. “Your plan better be good, Kaz. No offense, but usually, that's not your thing. At all.”

“Okay, so it depends a bit on you,” she said rapidly, “sorry for that. The iron maidens is something I've seen before: they can summon various traps around the field, thanks to them. I think Bygorn can take advantage of their effects. So I'll go in and distract Bygorn. I'll drag him away from the main battle while you guys knock out the twins and all of their traps. Then you can finish off Bygorn with me.”

Mettrick stared at his teammate, obviously suspicious of the idea. “If you're still alive,” he said slowly.

“Yeah.”

“You're being reckless again.”

“You're acting like I'm dying for real if I fail,” Kamikaz objected. "It's not like you can't win without me!"

“You just wanna have a good fight with the boss, don't you.”

Kamikaz tightened her grip on her trident. It was not the time to argue with him of all people. “Believe what you want, but I'm doin' this no matter what. Hey, if I'm fast enough, I'll even be finished before you!”

Mettrick sighed. "Sure, whatever. If your plan works, we'll get to crush both the twin girls and Bygorn pretty fast. I guess that's not so bad."

Kamikaz grinned. "See? I can think a bit, when I want to. You're coverin' me?”

“Yeah. Just don't screw this up, Kaz.”

Kamikaz bent her knees, preparing herself to run with all her might. Oh, she wasn't going to screw that one up, alright.

“Go, Helmetons!” Mettrick screamed behind her. “Formation: Cannon Fodder!”

Eight little helmets were released from Mettrick's belt. He held his hammer downwards and nodded – the signal she needed. Kamikaz hastily drank one of her two Life Potion and proceeded to run as fast as she could towards the other battlefield.

Lil' Met would want me to assess the situation... she thought to herself. Looking around her, she noticed that Fulguro, J, and Yatsu were in quite a pinch. All three of them had been surrounded by a wide circle of ten iron maidens, five on their right, and five more in their left. Some were shooting beams of light at them, others were simply glowing – certainly a supportive effect – and others had thrown strange spheres across the field, which were probably deadly traps.

Oh, snap. Kamikaz slowed down, thinking about her options. Instead of going with her risky plan, she could destroy all of these iron maidens with another fully charged Devil's Breeze. But she didn't know how much time she had left to help her comrades, nor how much time it would take for the twins to create more. Plus, Bygorn would be protected just like last time and would be able to finish them all off one by one if the iron maidens were recreated fast enough. She'd also use up all her remaining SPs doing that. Then, Mettrick's previous smile reappeared in her mind. She didn't need to worry. Lil' Met was confident, so she had no right to hesitate. Kamikaz hastened her pace and soon reached the edge of the new battlefield. J was battling Bygorn, barely leaping over a hole full of spikes. Fulguro was busy destroying the Iron Maidens, with Yatsu by his side.

“Lil' Met!” Kamikaz shouted. "Now!”

Formation Cannon Fodder: Fire!

A high-pitched battle cry resounded in the air as a Helmeton suddenly appeared above Kamikaz's head, flying at full speed like a mad meteor towards a rocky iron maiden. The glowing object was immediately destroyed upon impact. A loud gasp followed the destruction of the iron maiden: Carnat rose up from the remains, agape. She only had the time to blink before a second Helmeton reached the spot she was standing on and hit her head. She was tossed aside, while a distinct evil laugh was unleashed in the distance.

Looks like Lil' Met's havin' fun, Kamikaz thought to herself, smiling. “ow where's my toy?

Kamikaz circled around the field and located her prey: J had just pushed him back with a perfectly executed thrust.

Battle Cry! Execute!

Kamikaz put herself in battle stance, holding her trident with both hands. She pointed it at Bygorn. “Hey there, kiddo!” she shouted. “Time for a rematch! C'mere and I'll tear you apart!”

Bygorn instantly gazed at her, frowning. “You're the only one here who's getting torn apart! And this time, I take no prisoner!”

“I'm takin' him, J!" Kamikaz exclaimed. "Have fun with the twins!” She ran away, with Bygorn right behind her. An iron maiden suddenly turned to her. A green light appeared all around it and it hurled a sphere of light towards Kamikaz, who dodged it with ease.

Must be a trap. Should be careful with it. As she kept on running away from the battlefield, she crossed path with Mettrick, who was running in the opposite direction.

During a couple of seconds, time froze for Kamikaz. With his giant rock hammer over his shoulder and obedient Helmetons behind him, Mettrick looked like a mad commander leading a devious assault against his enemies. He gave her a quick glance, his dastardly smile stuck on the face. A layer of warmth surrounded Kamikaz's pounding heart as she happily grinned back.

I'm not screwin' this up, Lil' Met. I promise.

Kamikaz blinked, and the moment was over. It was time for her to fulfill her objective. She kept on running for a few more seconds before finally stopping and turning back, facing the opponent that she knew was coming for her.

“Hey, wait up! You're supposed to fight me, not run away!”

The boy appeared in her line of sight. She stared at him, her happy smile slowing being replaced by an emotionless expression. Mettrick was counting on her. She had no right to fail. “I just needed some space," she answered vaguely. "We can battle, now.” Kamikaz began skipping in place, waiting for her opponent to make the first move. And sure enough, Bygorn brandished his sword and charged with a loud battle cry. She stepped aside to dodge the first hit and used her trident to block the second one. Bygorn rapidly whirled to kick her, but Kamikaz intercepted it with her free hand. “Begone, heretic!”

Burn Cast! Execute!

A gleaming red light appeared in her hand. It shone vibrantly before rapidly bursting free, pushing Bygorn away and burning his leg in the process. He managed to keep his balance nonetheless.

Triple Head Lance! Execute!

Kamikaz dashed towards Bygorn and performed a lightning fast thrust on his gut, pushing him away even more.

The closer he is to the iron maidens, she thought, the faster Lil' Met can come and beat him. Gotta keep it going, Kaz.

Bygorn rose up from the ground, wounded. "Hey, that was mean! I don't appreciate my leg being burned!"

Kamikaz began skipping in place again, focused. She had enough SPs for one Battle Cry – providing she'd have to use it, and she'd rely on a last offensive Skill if not – one more Burn Cast, and one more Triple Head Lance. She tightened her grip.

C'mon, Kerberos. I really need your help on that one. And I need to distract him no matter what. “Is that how weak you are when you're alone?” Kamikaz enquired with false astonishment. “You're not joining your little girlfriends 'til you beat me, by the way. Good luck with that.”

She glanced over the Bygorn's head. 48% of Life left for him, and 70% for her: but he was a boss character with boosted abilities, and she wasn't. It was impossible for her to defeat him alone just yet, but that wasn't the point anyway.

“I'm gonna make you eat those words!” Bygorn answered, marching towards her. “And they're not my girlfriends!”

Kamikaz stopped her light hops from one foot to another and dashed away from Bygorn, barely avoiding the battling tricks of her foe. He was swiftly combining swordplay with acrobatic kicks, and although she was fast enough to evade most of them and punish him with attacks of her own, she realized that her life bar was dropping much faster than his.

Don't panic, Kaz. You can do this.

Kamikaz sprung forward and performed a lateral stroke. As she expected, the boy evaded it and raised his sword. She suddenly turned back and punched him with her free hand, before swinging her trident for a mighty thrust.

Triple Head Lance! Execute!

Enemy Disarm! Execute!

Bygorn took the punch then used the rings on his sword to block the girl's swift assault. A gold light surrounded the rings and Bygorn swung his blade upward. Kamikaz looked in shock as her weapon flew away, far behind his back.

Enemy Arm Rain! Execute!

“Gotcha now!” Bygorn exclaimed before performing fast moulinets with his sword.

Kamikaz had no time to avoid the sudden counterattack, and the multiple hits struck on every part of her body, leaving virtual cuts and bruises everywhere. The pirate boy finished his assault with a vicious kick, tossing Kamikaz away.

“Looks like you're not joining your own friends anytime soon!” Bygorn shouted, striking a pose with his sword over his shoulder.

“That's kind of the plan,” Kamikaz replied.

He took 35% of my Life with a basic skill, even with my Obsidian Plastron equipped. One more like that and I'm dead. I'll have to go with one more Triple Head Lance. Kamikaz rose up carefully. Despite her urgent worries, she couldn't help but gaze over Bygorn's shoulder. Only two iron maidens remained. She could now see several holes filled with metallic spikes placed randomly on the field – with the iron maidens gone, the traps were finally revealed. While J was attacking the last iron maidens, Yatsu, Fulguro and Mettrick ran in Kamikaz's direction. A slight smile finally reappeared on Kamikaz's face, shattering her previous expression.

Mission complete. she thought to herself. Hope you're happy, Lil' Met. She gazed back at the pirate child: her trident was right between him and the revealed trap that had been thrown at her while she was being chased by Bygorn.

Okay. Gotta get Kerberos back. Kamikaz dashed towards her adversary. Bygorn immediately sheathed his sword behind his back and grabbed her shoulders as she ran.

Knew it.

Burn Cast! Execute!

Begone, heretic!”

Before the boy could throw off her balance, Kamikaz put both of her palms on his torso and unleashed her skill: the fiery blast burst free and pushed Bygorn on the ground. She leaped over him, ran for her weapon and grabbed it with relief.

“Not happening!” Bygorn immediately rose up to pursue her, but by the time he pulled out his sword again, she had reached the distant she needed for one last skill.

“Take this!!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Even spawns of Hell can't handle it: Triple...! Head...! Lance!!”

Triple Head Lance! Execute!

Catchphrase Bonus Activated!

With a fierce battle cry, Kamikaz raised her leg above her head and extended her arm before snapping it downwards, launching her weapon midway through the motion. Kerberos flew like a blazing rocket to Bygorn's encounter.

Enemy Ki Barrier! Execute!

Bygorn stopped his pursuit to plant his sword on the ground. The shinning rings stuck on it generated a screen of light in front of him. Kamikaz's trident struck it at amazing speed, but although Bygorn was knocked back by the sheer power of the assault, the weapon was deflected back to Kamikaz's side, who stared at her foe in utter astonishment.

Careful,” Mettrick had said to her when she was fighting the rabbit. “After a boss loses more than half of his life bar, expect it to use a new skill or switch his pattern. I know you've played a few games, but that's something even I forget sometimes.

Grabbing her weapon with one hand, Kamikaz used the other to access her menu and send a quick message to Mettrick.

Bygorn switches to a powerful shield that reduces overall damage. 

Be careful. 

Kaz.


“Hey, don't ignore me!”

She sent her message and swiftly moved aside, just in time to avoid a cut from Bygorn's sword.

“Actually,” Kamikaz answered, walking in the pirate child's direction, “considering that my mission's done, I can totally ignore you. But you're right, I guess one more dance with ya would be fun.” she sprung forward and flung her arm towards him, but this time, her trident missed her target, who side-stepped. Kamikaz turned back, only to witness Bygorn rapidly sheath his sword again.

Enemy Monkey Flip! Execute!

The boy grabbed her shoulders and rolled on his back, dragging her along. This time, he planted both of his feet on her waist and pushed her with all of his strength.

“Kaz!!” Mettrick shouted in the distance.

Kamikaz flew away. On the ground, she saw Mettrick look in her direction, a light of concern in his eye. The others were pointing at something beyond her sight.

Oh, she understood. The spikes. Of course.

Gravity's attraction took hold of her, and she fell at full speed towards an open hole full of shiny, pointed pieces of metal.

That's weird, Kamikaz thought to herself. It's only been one year, and I already died for Lil' Met. Wonder if I'd do it if we weren't in a video game.

Kamikaz landed right in front of the group. Her body was impaled from head to toe, the spikes breaking through her skin and armor like butter. She felt slight stings inside her head – it was probably imagined pain caused by her situation. Moving her eyes, Kamikaz could partially contemplate the horrifying result, and she couldn't help her body from trembling. She met Mettrick's gaze, and her trembling slightly stopped. Kamikaz giggled as her virtual corpse slowly disintegrated.

She'd probably do it, crazy as she was. And after all, there were very few things she wouldn't do for her Lil' Met.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
EnderFlash
Review

Before reading this chapter, I decided to read Buggie's review for whatever reason. I'm not sure whether to love or hate spoilers.

I'm just going to bump Buggie's thing about repetition; Kaz's devotion to Mettrick is cute, but reading Lil' Met so many times gets a little annoying and sortaaa creepy. Like it's for a drinking game or something.

And that's it for complaints! e_e ...it's too good you little-

Comments and Impressions!

I ship Kamikaz and Mettrick so damn hard (which is obviously your intention), and because it's not an official story, there isn't going to be fanfiction or fanart of them anywhere. Damnnn youu (or I can make it MYSELF haHA)

^At the same time, it's a little creepy. Especially that last line and all the name repeating. That's like something Yuno would say before... you know.

DAMN THIS ACTION IS GOOD

WHY DID YOU DO THIS. Never read a review about a chapter you're about to read D:

That is VERY GOOD. It's supposed to be cute/slightly disturbing. I'm glad I managed that, as I said to Buggie. 'Cause that's exactly what Kaz is all about. That's also why that last line is there.

Comments and Impressions Answer:

-Lol, yes, it IS obviously my intention. And nope, not fanfiction, no fanart! You'll just have to wait for good ol' evil me, MUHAHAHAHAHAHA

-Once again: perfect. The purpose of name repeating/last line is to throw a creepy feeling to this cutsy thing Kaz has for Mettrick.
Everything is going according to plan... hehehehehAHAHAHAHA

-THANK YOU. DOIN' MY BEST HERE

And I don't know who this Yuno is, but ti sounds like Raditz but I feel like I know exactly what you mean XD

You don't know who Yuno is? Mirai Nikki?

Well, have you at least seen a pink-haired knife-wielding yandere anime girl floating around the web? That's Yuno.

Image

Anyways, search her up and you'll find of plethora of stuff about her.

Did not watch Mirai Nikki.

Nope. Huh. Well that's an interesting killing face she's got there :I

Yanderes. She's doing everything for her precious Yuki.

Image

I'm sorry this is the last gif.

HOLY COW. FULL YANDERE ALERT.
Luckily I've seen enough of these (and just anmies in general) to not be too concerned, but DARN is she insane-lookin'.

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

Review time!

Note 1: Anticlimactic much?

My one beef with a lot of action movies and other action things has always been the employment of anticlimaxes. While the choice is totally up to you on their usage, and sometimes it is very fun to tear down your reader's morale, I would advise against using them in the fight scenes themselves.

A classic example would be the Marvel movies (which I am hoping you've seen?). They have a tendency to let the boss battles run a bit long and involve too many pep talks and rebounds. Anticlimaxes are more appropriate when the letdown runs with over-arching plot and garners sympathy for the protagonist.

With a build-up like the one you so excellently executed in the previous chapter, I would have liked to see an immediate finish. I understand the logistics of why she technically could not, but I also don't think anticlimaxes are appropriate within the action.

(By the way, this note is 100% my opinion, so feel free to ignore it. Maybe I'm just not up to speed with action trends nowadays.)

Note 2: Repetition is stylish, but there's a limit.

While it was definitely fun to get into Kamikaz's head for a while, I think you may have overplayed her loyalty to Mettrick. Her actions and speech alone are enough to portray how much she wants to help him (and believe me, you did a lovely job with the indirect part), so the coherent thoughts that you included should just be a garnish.

Also repetition is typically limited to three or four reps, though exceptions can be made depending on the range, frequency, and uh... how obvious it is.

Little notes and compliments:

1. The line about the dramatic quote bonus for Yatsu was perfect, and I loved it. A++

2. I know I already mentioned this, but I really enjoyed reading from Kamikaz's perspective. She's already so much more than just the big, tough, tomboy, and her complete loyalty to Mettrick is quite endearing.

3. You had an incorrect colon usage in paragraph 77 (I didn't count the info thing at the top).

But after several seconds, Yatsu had to fall back: being a natural Warrior, Bygorn's ability with the sword exceeded his own.
I normally wouldn't pick on grammar with you, but I feel like knowledge on the semicolon is an essential. Since the two distinct parts of this sentence can be separated with a period, that colon should in fact be a semicolon.

4. You've managed another incredible build-up with Kamikaz's self-sacrifice. I expect this to be the actual climax of the fight! (And you know, it should probably be pretty epic. Not that you'll have any problem with that.)

That's it for the week!
-Buggie

I am absolutely not familiar with how these moments goes, actually, so I had trouble reading through your explanation at first.

That aside, yeah I... I actually agree with you there. What saddens me is that, as you've realized, there was no way in which Kamikaz could've one shot all 3 bosses by herself. I... kinda thought that was a given. But thanks for that advice. I'll just have to place my climatic moments in other action scenes. I'll have to work on that.


Note 2: I actually wanted this to feel exaggerated, and you'll see why later on. But... I'm not surprised here. I took a risky gamble by portraying her way of thought anyway.
Though... darn it.
Either I'm too versatile and it gets weird, or either I'm being a bit too repetitive and it gets less interesting. I need to find a middle ground somewhere. And middle grounds are things that my brain can't quite use well.


1. Thank you! That gives a purpose for people to shout their techniques out loud. More damage, or side effects.

2. Glad to see I at least nailed that part of the gamble :)

3. Gah. I'll have to fix that. I planned to re-read all of my chapters sometime this week anyway. Thank you.

4. I think I'll be fine. Hopefully I won't let disappoint.

Thanks for not following my example and actually reviewing my work! I have no, freakin' excuse! I'll catch up. I promise.



I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
— CowLogic