z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Muster Heroes – QuickSave 1

by TinkerTwaggy


Logging in! Open your Third Eye!

There was definitely something special about those candies. It could not be explained, but they were the most succulent sweets one could ever get one's fingers on.

Well… Maybe that was an exaggeration, but truly: they... were... Delicious.

It wasn't just because they were shaped like cute little crocodiles, oh no. That was one reason why they were so amazing. There was also the fact that they came in five different shiny colors and flavors, and also because of how soft they were, yet hard to chew at the same time. It simply felt satisfying taking one, chewing it, swallowing it, then taking another one in an endless cycle of utter gustatory pleasure. Well, endless until there were none left, in which case going back to Jelly's GummyGator to buy a new candy box was necessary, but the pleasure delivered by these chemically-produced wonders was truly worth it.

Yes. There was definitely something special about those candies. And there was nothing like sitting down on a bench inside a crowded building and waiting while enjoying another pack of GummyGators.

“Can I have some?”

Fulguro looked next to him, frowning. A kid was gazing at his candy box with the biggest puppy eyes he had ever seen. the kid's smile, however, could be placed right between cute and creepy. But, if he was one that could also enjoy the wonderful candies that were the GummyGators… 

“Sure!” Fulguro replied, to the kid's joy. “Take one of each flavor. I've got enough for myself anyway.”

“Five for me? Aw, thanks, mister!” 

Fulguro raised an eyebrow. “Mister? Hey, I'm sixteen years old, y'know. Not exactly old yet.”

The kid sat on the bench as well and began eating his GummyGators. “Oh. Well I'm only thirteen, so, anyone above my age looks so… tall. And you're kinda tall, anyway.”

“I'm pretty average-sized for my age, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.” Fulguro gazed at the boy, intrigued. Aside from his yellow trousers and brown shoes, he was wearing a safety vest-shaped jacket with a green cross painted on the back, as well as a hat with the exact same cross painted on it. Even his backpack had similar features.

“So, um…” Fulguro asked, uneasy, “is your class having a safety measure check here or something?”

The kid swallowed his last two candies at the same time. “Nope! I'm just going to participate in the competition thingy. Then I'm probably joining the Cyberbase with everyone else.”

“Ah. Let me guess: your parents think that you'll never learn anything by just playing your stupid video games, and when you learned about ThirdEye's new game, you came here to prove them wrong?”

The kid grinned at Fulguro. “Bingo! Same thing for you?”

“Kind of. That and I wanted see how different it would be from regular school. My parents are allowing me to stay one year, to see if it's worth it or not. Schools that teach you stuff with virtual reality don't open up every day, after all.”

“I know, right? I was so excited when they announced it! What's your nickname on Muster Heroes?”

“Fulguro. Yours?”

“Mettrick. I wanted to go with Mettricky, but I dunno, I preferred it without the "y". Easier to pronounce.”

“Oh? Personally I wanted to go with a pun with my actual name. As in, Fulguros, since my name's–”

“Nononono don't tell me! Didn't you read the leaflet when you entered here? We're not supposed to give away our names and identities until our classes are formed!”

“Oh, Sorry. Point is, I wanted to make a pun.”

“Right. But is that a reference from somewhere? Your nickname, I mean.”

“Oh, yeah, it is. A cartoon I used to watch. Shoogazz: Tension Hunter. I really loved it. I love stuff about electricity in general, to be honest.”

“Oh! I heard about it! It stopped airing a while ago, I think. Is that where your T-shirt comes from?”

Fulguro looked at it. He had almost forgotten he was wearing what he liked to call his “gamer's attire”: simple deep blue trousers, equally deep blue shoes and a T-shirt featuring his favorite fictional character: Volthorn the Electric Pegasus. “Oh, that. Yeah, it comes from there. I bought it in a convention a while ago. Long story.”

“I've got time!”

As if to prove Mettrick wrong, a bell suddenly resounded in the dome-shaped building, interrupting every conversation in it. People began looking around, buzzing like flies.

Your attention please!” a female voice said through a distant speaker. “Welcome to the Cyberbase of Q-Cubris! We apologize for making you all wait for so long, and we thank you for your patience. The first Competitive Test will begin a few moments, so the participants of the event are welcomed to enter the Entertainment Areas.

“It's starting!” Mettrick exclaimed. “Gosh, I'm so excited!”

“Well, let's join the others, then. And good luck, Mettrick.”

“You too!”

The duo shook hands before walking towards the edge of the hall. They climbed the large stairs with the crowd. People of all ages had gathered for the event, and their general excitement was apparent. When they reached the second floor, everyone stopped, speechless.

In front of their eyes layed what could only be described as a giant futuristic arcade room. Artificial white, green and blue lights enlightened the wide place, which was filled with desks and comfortable-looking leather armchairs. A bulky helmet with inbuilt headphones was sitting in each of them, awaiting for the players to put them on. At the edge of the arcade room, there was one desk bigger than the others, with an armchair already occupied.

“Greetings, dear players!” exclaimed the man sitting on it. He rose up, showing off his fancy attire: a black business suit covering a white shirt, complimented with a simple red tie. It all seemed to fit perfectly with his chocolate-like tanned skin.

“Really sorry, but my boss wanted me to be as handsome as possible for you guys, though I really wanted to wear something more… Um… relaxed, if you see what I mean.”

Several people in the crowd laughed, while others nodded, smiling.

“Putting that aside, thank you all for coming! I don't think you realize it, but there are two thousand and four hundred people planned to come here today, and you guys only represent the first wave, so to speak. Point being, WOW, that's a lot, and we at ThirdEye Industries really thank you all, because it wouldn't have been possible without your will to actually come and participate in this experiment. And speaking of which, I know some of you might be eager to put on those Third Eyes sitting there, but I need to explain you all exactly what you're getting yourselves into.”

The man let a nervous smile grow on his face and took an armchair in order to sit on it, putting aside the helmet that was there before. “Right. Sorry, I promise it won't take too long. So, greetings again, everyone. Now, you've read the leaflets, you know the rules: I'm not giving you my name yet, only my nickname. You can call me Mentor Ferrust – though my friends like to call me Rusty. So, as you've realized by now, I've been selected along with a few others to be the first Mentor of Q-Galis' Cyberbase. I know that the city is far from being the biggest around the country, but the point is for everyone to enjoy the experiment, no matter how many there are." 

Ferrust rose from the armchair and walked around the room, hands behind his back. "A Cyberbase – such as this one – is a giant arcade in which anyone can participate to learn through gaming sessions." he continued. "Muster Heroes, our brand new game, uses this new educational system to its fullest. In other words, it's like a school, except that you're learning through social interactions, virtual exploration and cultural references that you need to figure out alone, or with the help of a guide such as myself." 

He stopped walking and stared at the crowd, now serious. "You're not playing the game just for entertainment, but also for your own, personal growth. That's the whole point of the experience, and my colleagues and I will be there to make sure everything goes according to that plan. I hope you'll all get along, as your skills and maturity matters much more than your age. Oh, and aside for the Entertainment Areas, there is also a huge library located in the Cyberbase, a cafeteria, and a few more areas that are there only for your comfort. We'll be sure to introduce you to everything once the test is over. And be careful, because it's going to be long.”

He sighed and flashed a much less professional grin. “Now, folks! Get ready for a lot of fun… And excitement! Let the very first Competitive Test for Q-Galis' central Cyberbase begin! We'll be sure to make everyone comfortable, and we do have extra arcade rooms when we reach the limit of this one. C'mon people, let's move!”

It took quite some time to place every player in the arcade room – and the adjacent ones for the extra players – but after several minutes of chaotic movement, everyone was finally ready, the Third Eye placed on their heads.

Fulguro had found a place at the far right of the room, excited like the others. Mettrick was right next to him, smiling as well.

“Ok then!” Ferrust exclaimed. “I see that everyone's in place, so it's time to begin. First off, you'll be thrown in your solo rooms. You've all completed your solo quests, so you all already had at least one experience with the game. With that said, let's go, people! Open your Third Eyes!”

Fulguro pressed a button on the helmet, and the famous eye-like feature at the center of it lit up. The teenager closed his eyes and let himself be transported to the virtual realm of Muster Heroes.


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Sun Sep 02, 2018 9:59 pm
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BrumalHunter says...



Salutations, Tort!

I would have marked this as a review, but I'm unsure what site policy is on rereviewing a piece that hasn't undergone major editing, so I'll leave a comment instead. I'll keep it short, for that reason. (Note: I refrained from reading my old review beforehand, so I'll be looking at this with a fresh perspective.)

I remember reading about the crocodile gummies, so I nodded along while reading - that is, until I encountered "gustatory" and went, "Holy crap, is that even a word?! *checks* It is! O.o" Anyway, the candies are still as cute-sounding as I must have thought they were the first time. Probably nothing spectacular in comparison with real world gummies, but- TRICKY KID! I'm calling it right here and now! He's even wearing yellow! ...Ahem. "Mettricky" is also a bit on the nose - you did well ditching the Y.

Mettrick is being a tad contradictory, though; he tells Fulguro they shouldn't share their names or identity, despite both having done so already, but then follows that with asking whether it's a reference? It comes down to the exact same thing. I'll write it off as flawed child logic. (Before moving on, when Ferrust greets the participants, he says, "I need to explain you all" - we've more recently discussed this, but I thought I'd point it out again just in case.)

To get to the story itself, I love the idea. Why did I never continue reading?! Ugh, stupid commitments and distractions and whatever. I think virtually everyone in today's generation would agree that learning through virtual reality is one of the best possible ways to do so. It'd also immensely reduce stress among students, which is a MAJOR concern in today's society. As for characterisation, I think you did well! You've singled out two important characters (excluding the protagonist) already, so I think the pacing is quite good. I'm getting Summon Night vibes from this, though to a lesser extent (what with Sanary, Varil, Ureksa, and goblinface not being present, if we're going with comparisons).

It's taken me forever to get back to this, but now that I have, I'm excited to see where it goes! I hope you'll have enough time eventually to develop it alongside Brace for Warfare.




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Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:55 am
Laurenh6 wrote a review...



Hi there! I thought this was a really cool chapter and I genuinely don't think I've read anything like it! It was soo cool and quirky with the things you included - like about the Cyber base! I'd love to know more about what's going on there and the different methods of learning through gaming...

..Not to mention your opening! So random yet so intriguing! I was like, what? At first I thought maybe they were drugs xD.. but now I'm sorta picturing a kid who likes his food a bit excessively if ya get ma drift :P.. or maybe they're just genuinely awesome sweets who knows?
And I was intrigued about its relevance, because at the moment it doesn't seem very relevant - but it stuck with me throughout reading this... I feel like it will have some sort of significance that maybe you'll reveal later? And that's pretty awesome - building suspense n all that jazz.

I also like the way you write in an informal tone - makes it more real.

"It wasn't just because they were shaped like cute little crocodiles, oh no."

And also, it seems you've used persuasive technique to persuade the reader why these sweets are amazing.. and it worked! like I dunno if you know about this but.. at my school they teach us the "Power of 3" where you list 3 things because people seem to remember things better that way... and you've used that.

"taking one, chewing it, swallowing it". Tis effective yah.

Your grammar is good, your plot is good - the names of your characters are awesome!

Can't complain really - well doneeeee!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Strangely enough, I get the "I genuinely don't think I've read anything like it!" a LOT, which weirds me out because I have found qutie a few thigns like what I'm writing. Hmm. Welp, it's good to know my thing's unique anyway :)

As for the learning through gaming bit, well unless I give you a summary about how that's possible, you'll have to read the rest of the chapters to find out %u2190 which totally sounds like self-advertising, I know, but hey it's kinda true XD

Yes, that's the point: my writing usually weirds out people, and the idea for this opening was TOTALLY to mess with people and grab attention :) (that and yes, Fulguro is addicted to these things, that running joke's coming back, don't worry :D)
Yeah, a previous reviewer told me that too. They already come back by next chapter though, and it's planned to become more relevant once they all come back in the real world.

Thankies. I'll have to keep that in mind, as my informal tone's mostly just my style.

I have! Got even some help from a previous reviewer to fix formatting mistakes, which made it all even better XD


Thank youuuu! I'm glad you liked this chapter too, I need to keep this series going. Ah, and thanks for the like, as well! Forgot to give you THAT when I reviewed your chapter, Lemme go ahead and fix that.



Laurenh6 says...


Ahaa no worries! I'm definitely gunna read on when I get the chance :P



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Sun Jun 26, 2016 1:38 am
Eac101 wrote a review...



Hey! I'm gonna review your story!

For starters, I like where this is headed. The concept is something I haven't seen before and I think there are several strong ways you could take this. However, there are a few problems with this chapter that I would like to point out.

First off, I didn't feel like a got a good grasp of the main character. Some aspect of a personality are there - he seems to be nerdy and really likes GummyGators - but other things are missing. Is is brave or shy? Impulsive or thoughtful? Make sure you get to that soon, so that he doesn't bore the readers.

I'm going to be completely honest and say that the beginning paragraph is pointless. Why go on about the taste of GummyGators for so long if they aren't part of the main story. Readers want payoff for the things you mention. Now, it's totally possible that the GummyGators will hold some significance later. If that's the case, then keep it. But if it's just a one-time thing, then I would change your opening paragraph. However, it did manage to hook me just for how bizarre it was.

Your grammar is good. I noticed one typo where you didn't capitalize a sentence. Make sure you fix that, and you'll be good.

Mettrick is a very nice character, and I liked him the most. Mentor Ferrust was fine, and like I said earlier, Fulguro could use some work but is shaping up to be interesting.

You should probably be more descriptive with the scenery, to help immerse a reader better.

Overall I liked this first chapter and think that with some work, it could be a very nice sci-fi school story. Keep up the good work!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Hello there, Eac! Glad to see someone else's willin' to bring me some more delicious data to harvest. Let's jump right in, then.

That's good to know. As for the concept itself, well there's actually an entire genre of light novels, animes and mangas - even certain books on the western side, actually - that follow the virtual world trope. Things like Dot Hack, Log Horizon, even Code Lyoko and TOME to some degree fall in that category.
I am trying to make my own thing with this though, so we'll see how well I can pull it off in the long run. Now, for the problems!

Huh. Funny, as one or two reviewers down below seemed to have understood immediately that Fulguro was generous. Hmhmhm, interesting. Your impression most certainly shows that I should find a way to make it slightly more obvious, as that's one of the main thing I was goin' for here.
Aside that, well, both Fulguro and Mettrick's personalities are especially shown in the following chapter. That and you said that I should get to the personalities soon - since they're already shown in more details in Chapter 2 already, is that soon enough, according to you?


Okay this is by far my favorite part of your review, I love how you - slightly - answered to your own critic. Please take a look.
Note: this is in NO WAY meant to be offensive.

"I'm going to be completely honest and say that the beginning paragraph is pointless. "
"It did manage to hook me just for how bizarre it was."

"Why go on about the taste of GummyGators for so long if they aren't part of the main story."
" it did manage to hook me just for how bizarre it was.
"


%u2191 I mean... Answer's right there XD
The first explanation behind this seemingly pointless introduction paragraph is just that: hook whoever is reading because of how bizarre it is.
A second reason would be to give instant imagery of something, in this case the candies, and show just how exaggerated Fulguro's fondness for them is. And then, a third - and the main thing I was going for, aside hooking - was to shatter the focus of this seemingly pointless thing for the sake of pacing. We get a super duper awesome vision on how much Fulguro enjoys eating his candies, we cna even imagine just how soft they are and how aweosme it would be to eat them, then bam, some random kid asks if he can get some, Fulguro's name is revealed, he opens his eyes, and a second character is introduced to the reader.

Also, you mentioned that readers want payoff for the things I mention - you mean like how Mettrick and Fulguro mention/joke about the GummyGators in the chapter following this one, right? Normally that should totally count as payoff, or so I believe.
Though in the end, I guess that it's just my style. I am, after all, a pretty darn weird person. I mean seriously, look at my current avatar! Not convinced? Look at my wall, then XD

Yeeeeah, that's only because the reviewers below you helped me in correcting most of the mistakes I had made, lol. But thanks, I do try my best at NOT getting too many grammatical mistakes.

Considering that their personalities get more exposure literally next time and that they're introduced to their entire class - 8 more characters - I can safely assume that your opinion of these miiiiiiight just change if you end up reading what comes next.

Yeah, that's another thing the reviewers below you mentioned as well - one of my first problems, actually. I believe I've managed to fix most of that in the following chapters, but whenever I truly start working on Muster Heroes, I'll have to give some more descriptions here and there in this first chapter. Thanks a ton for confirming that!

Well you tell me, there are 18 chapters currently, and I believe that I've evolved quite a bit since this one. Apparently it's fine as it is, but hey, I could always use some more reviews to prove me wrong and get more stuff to fix ;)

Aaaaaaaaaand Data Harvesting complete! For now, at least. Thanks for this review, @Eac101, I am now a little more sure of what I want to do the next time I work on this chapter, and for that, you get a beautiful virtual cookie XD
*Hands cookie*

Happy Review day to you, m'dear!



Eac101 says...


Thanks for replying to my review! I see where you're coming from on a lot of the stuff, especially the GummyGators! Anyways, I wish you luck on your story!



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Thu Jul 23, 2015 10:47 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

This review has been long overdue, I know. Fortunately, my teachers were merciful today, so I can finally give your chapter the attention it deserves!

My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal


There was definitely something special about those candies.

An interesting first sentence, to be sure. However, one of my greatest pet peeves is the use of these or now in past tense narration. My reasons are:
These is a pronoun you use when referring to something that is close to you. Unless the narrator actually has some of the candies nearby to show the reader, it doesn't work. Furthermore, you can't use the present tense form of a word when writing in the past tense.
♣ Even though you didn't use it, I feel explaining this one will save me from doing so later on; now is also a word that can only be used in the present tense, so keep this in mind. Use then or at that moment/at that point in time instead.


It could not be explained, but they were the most succulent sweets one could ever get one's fingers on.

Ignoring the end-of-sentence preposition, this sentence's most obvious error is the pronoun disparity. One of your reviews stated that you should use his/her instead of just his, because one doesn't indicate gender, but frankly, both are incorrect - one is a gender neutral pronoun, therefore neither options will work. In addition, pronouns must always correspond, so if you begin with one, you must continue with it all the way through.


Well… Maybe that was an exaggeration, but truly: they... were... Delicious.

The same that applies for these applies to this, since both are demonstrative pronouns.


It wasn't just because they were shaped like cute little crocodiles, oh no. That was just one reason why they were so amazing.

This is simply a stylistic suggestion, but I would join those first two sentences, since the "Oh no" doesn't merit standing in its own sentence. Nevertheless, the candies do sound quite cute!


It simply felt satisfying to take one, chew it, swallow it, and then taking another one in an endless cycle of utter gustatory pleasure.

This sentence has two issues, the first being that utter. Read "an endless cycle of utter gustatory pleasure" aloud and you may find it a mouthful - it's like chewing a tough piece of meat. (Pun intended.) By removing the blue word, that phrase immediately flows more smoothly.

Now, for the second matter. Your verbs, like your pronouns, must follow the same form throughout a sentence. In this case, you began with an infinitive and appropriately proceeded with the present simple tense, but you then switched to the present continuous tense. You must choose either one or the other. I shall provide your options below, but I shall automatically include my suggestions. (By the way, you'll see I recommended adding an and after the last comma in your list. You can add it or leave it out, since both works, but whatever your choice, you must be consistent throughout your chapter.)
♣ "It simply felt satisfying taking one, chewing it, swallowing it, and then taking another one in an endless cycle of gustatory pleasure."
OR

♣ "It simply felt satisfying to take one, chew it, swallow it, and then to take another one in an endless cycle of gustatory pleasure."

Choose whichever you like, but if you ask my opinion, I'd go with the first one.


And there was nothing like sitting down on a bench inside a crowded building and waiting while enjoying another pack of GummyGators.

Look closely at the original sentence, and you will (or might) notice the lack of a subject. You simply say "nothing like", but nothing like what? Sentence fragments are frequently used in literature - I often use sentence fragments myself - but you must ensure you use them correctly. In this case, a fragment doesn't work.


“Can I have some?”

Fulguro looked next to him, frowning. A kid was looking at him with the biggest puppy eyes he had ever seen. His smile, however, could be placed right in between cute and creepy.

This is an excellent way to introduce not only a character that will play an integral part of the story, but it also cleverly reveals the protagonist's name. The description of the boy is also well-written and interesting. If I had to find fault with it, I'd say remove the in; many don't know this, but phrases like in between are subtle cliches. Remove the redundant preposition (the in, in this instance), and you're good to go.


But, if he was one that could also enjoy the wonderful candies that were the GummyGators

“Sure!” Fulguro replied, to the kid's joy. “Take one of each flavor. I've got enough for myself anyway.”

I admire generous people, so I think I'm going to like Fulguro as a character.


“Five for me? Aw, thanks, mister!”

Fulguro raised an eyebrow. “Mister? Hey, I'm sixteen years old, y'know. Not exactly old yet.”

This is something I noticed you do quite a lot: you don't give the dialogue of different characters different paragraphs. That is definitely a mistake, so just remember that. Here, I showed you how the dialogue should have been structured.


“I'm pretty average-sized for my age, actually, but I'll take that as a compliment.”

Fulguro gazed at the boy, intrigued.

Obviously, Fulguro was the last character to have spoken, but the manner in which you had written the following sentence makes the reader think it was actually the boy who had spoken, which leads to confusion. And cpnfusion is bad. It's funny how pronouns can sometimes do things like that... Anyway, it's just a suggestion, but clarity will help you there.


“So, um…” Fulguro began, attempting to start another conversation, “Is your class having a safety measure check here or something?”

As far the reader is aware, this is the first conversation in which Fulguro has engaged thus far. Moreover, there first one with boy doesn't count as a conversation yet, and even if it does, it hasn't ended yet. See why it doesn't work?


The kid grinned at Fulguro. “Bingo! Same thing for you?”

Not only would I merge these two paragraphs, seeing as the action and dialogue belong to the same character, but I'd also remove stared, since many consider it rude (meaning the connotation makes it inappropriate).


“Ah. Let me guess: your parents think that you'll never learn anything by just playing your stupid video games, and when you learned about ThirdEye's new game, you came here to prove them wrong?”

I already know the concept and plot around which your story revolves, but other readers don't, which is why this casually mentioned piece of information is so important. In fact, the fact that it was casually mentioned makes it even more impressive.


“Mettrick. I wanted to go with Mettricky, but I dunno, I preferred it without the y. Easier to pronounce.”

And it doesn't sound as childish either.


As if to prove Mettrick wrong, a bell suddenly resounded in the dome-shaped building, interrupting every conversation in it. People began looking around, whispering like flies.

This paragraph is enjoyable, but I'm questioning the use of flies in the comparison. True, you may simply wish to depict the sound, but then you need to adapt your comparison, because, if you think about it, flies don't whisper - they buzz.


In front of their eyes lay what could only be described as a giant futuristic arcade.

Don't ask me why that's wrong, since the explanation is quite long. Put simply, the past tense of lie (not the one meaning "to tell an untruth") is lay. Lies is the past tense of the one mentioned in parenthesis.


Artificial white, green and blue lights enlightened the wide place, which was filled with desks and comfortable-looking leather armchairs.

Who is only ever used when referring to people.


Right. Sorry, I promise it won't take too long. So, greetings again, everyone.

If you were trying to portray this character is nervous when addressing a group of people - which might be the case, considering he could be a designer or programmer by nature - then you have succeeded. If not, then this bit of dialogue should be discarded.


Ferrust rose from the armchair and walked around the room, hands behind his back.

Circumlotion is the mistake where one uses more words than necessary. Here., I replaced four words with one. Let's face it - the shorter option usually wins.


"A Cyberbase – such as this one – is a giant arcade in which anyone can participate in order to learn through gaming sessions," he continued.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence. In fact, I wish to commend you for saying "in which", thereby avoiding the end-of-sentence preposition. To make this sentence even better though, you can remove the "in order", since they are also a subtle cliche. (Subtle cliches contribute to circumlotion, which is why it is advisable to remove them from your writing. Take note, however, that unlike common cliches, these will not ruin your writing. But still, concise writing is more enjoyable than the long-winded alternative, isn't it?)


That's at least the whole point of the experience, and my colleagues and I will be there to make sure everything goes according to that plan.

The "at least" serves no purpose in this text, so it is best to remove it. Also, me is only used if the speaker is the object of the sentence, as in "Don't shout at me!". If the speaker is the subject, then you use I, like in "I don't care!". But if you have the speaker and others who all form the subject together, you use "[the other people] and I". In this case, that is what you must use here.


It took quite some time to place every player in the arcade room – and the adjacent ones for the extra players –, but after several minutes of chaotic movement, everyone was finally ready, the Third Eye placed on their heads.

My two favourite punctuation marks are semicolons and dashes, so I am delighted you used dashes for your parenthesis. However, where a pair of brackets would usually be followed by a comma, dashes don't need commas.


Fulguro had found a place at the far right of the room, excited like the others.

Firstly, we refer to the far right or left, not the extreme (it's an innocent mistake, so don't worry), and secondly, you made a typo.


Normally, you've all completed the required solo quest that gave you your basic powers and character customizations, so you already had at least one experience with the game.

Although the phrasing of this sentence is awkward, my issue with it lies in its obscurity. If you begin a sentence with normally/usually/ordinarily, then you first explain the usual state of things, after which you state the contradiction. There is no contradiction here, so the reader is left hopelessly confused, and since this is close to the end of the chapter, it will linger with the reader, and that's not something you want.


The teenager closed his eyes and let himself be transported to the virtual realm of Muster Heroes.

This is a great last sentence, but remember what I said in the previous comment about lingering negative impressions? Well, making a mistake in the last sentence definitely has that effect. Fortunately, it is easily rectified.


I know you aren't one for spot-checks like the above, but I nevertheless hope you find them useful. (That took me more than two hours to write, so if you'd rather prefer I only stated my impressions, please say so. Thanks.)

As for my overall opinion, I think this is a good first chapter. It adequately grabs the reader's attention, but more importantly, it manages to keep it, for the reader wants to find out what makes this game so spectacular, and once they do, they want to read more. Well done on that.

Characterisation has also received its due attention. We haven't learned a lot about Fulguro, Mettrick or Ferrust, but we have read enough of them to form a general idea of the characters' personalities. It's also interesting to figure out how the nicknames connect with the characters.

First chapters are notorious for being a little boring, but as long as the exposition is interesting, that can be forgiven. The next chapter, though, holds the promise of action, so it would be disappointing if there isn't any. I shall have to wait and see...


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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! Let's start this LMS thing off with a bang, shall we?

Anyways, since it seems everyone has already bothered you about nitpicking (I still have some corrections too, if you're interested in hearing them), I shall skip over that and move right along to the deep details.

1. In reference to NicolMemo's review: Ellipses are not your friend. Half of it is a matter of personal style and preference, but in the world of published novels, ellipses are practically never used. I would go back to the periods, or just put that section into one sentence.

2. I am always very curious about where you get your names. They're like nothing I've ever seen before. A lot of people make the mistake of coming up with names that are too outrageous, but you are not one of them. (I especially like Mettrick's name.)

3. This is the biggie. Your descriptions of location are somewhat lacking. Make no mistake; they're quite concise and detailed. However, I believe you can do better. For example:

Artificial white, green and blue lights were enlightening the wide place, who was filled with desks and comfortable armchairs.


Green text one: Avoid the inactive and passive verbs. In description, the forms of "being" are a double edged sword. They are quick, concise, and will get your point across, but they are also less interesting than direct action. In this particular case, I would have conjugated "lighten" and skipped the "were" entirely.

Bold text: pronoun disagreement. This is minor.

Green text two: Some words are very objective. Now there's nothing wrong with a little objectivity, but often, there are stronger words to use as replacement. For this one, think: what does comfortable look like? You will have your answer then.

Now, I must leave. Excellent work on the intro chapter. It's quite intriguing.

Ciao for now!
-Buggie




TinkerTwaggy says...


Hi there, Buggie! Let's see what you've written for me, then!

1. Ah. This is the opposite of what I've been taught about ellipses, so, sorry for being French, lol.
No but seriously, I'll have to be more careful with those, thanks for the warning.

2. To answer that, I need a long explanation, so let's hide it behind a spoiler. Enjoy!
Spoiler! :
I'll first have to say that a good number of the names I come up with have an origin, or a meaning. And I beleive that giving meaning to a name is what indirectly gives it personality, and thus makes it stand. It also defines the character wearing it. Since I like to mix several languages/references together, many of my names happen to define the characters that wear them in many ways.
For instance, Fulguro's name is a reference to one of Shiro's techniques from the French version of Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go, and is also a reference to thunder, 'cause that's what it means in latin.
In the same fashion, Ferrust's name comes from the words "Ferraille", which means junk in French, and rust, an English word usually linked with junk, since junk materials are usually rusty.
As for Mettrick, well, it's a pun between "trick" and "met", which is an abbreviated name for the Mettaurs. If you've played Megaman, you know EXACTLY who those are ;)

So yeah. I just combine references I come across to create names for my characters. I do that since I'm 3, so, it's a gimmick I'm really used to :D


3. No surprise there, that's the part I always mess up. The lack of description here reflects the lack of details in my head: once I fix THAT, I'll be fine with descriptions on text.
...Ooooh, I see. *takes notes* Alright, looks I do have a few more things to fix after all.
Thanks a ton! And glad you liked the chapter despite all of this.

Bye!



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fukase wrote a review...



Hi,
I'm on with the review (I know: I suck in opening...and yet, I was repairing your opening paragraphs):

There was definitely something special about these candies. It could not be explained, but they were definitely the most succulent sweets, if one could ever get his/her fingers on.

Suggestion: "definitely" here would be a waste/trash/useless. The meaning would be the same, but it would flow even clearer. Next, 'one' here could be in any gender (male/female), so adding (/her) next to 'his' would be more clearer too!

Well… Maybe this was an exaggeration, but truly: they. Were. Delicious.they were delicious! or they...were...DELICIOUS!

Suggestion: Why id you even write like that...I kinda know what was your purpose, but it would be a scar in your writing and you don't want that, right?

It wasn't because they were shaped like a cute little crocodiles. Oh no! ThatThere was just one reason why they were so amazing. There was also thea fact that they came in five different shiny colors and flavors, and also because of how soft… tender, yet hard to chew they were at the same time. It simply felt satisfying to take one, chew it, swallow it, then taking another one in an endless cycle of utter gustatory pleasure. Well, endless until the box would bewas empty, in which case, going back to Jelly's GummyGator to buy a new one was definitely necessary, but the pleasure delivered by these chemically-produced wonders was truly worth it.


Suggestions: Use correct words at the right time, 'kay?

I would love to review more, but it was already the end of my review. Improve your language skills, 'kay? Thanks for posting a nice and somewhat a funny story. Keep writing!
I hope this helped ya!

~Nicol

P/s : I don't know what I wrote just now...XD




TinkerTwaggy says...


It's ok, the content kinda matters more than the presentation of it.
(do try and work on these intros though, that could be fun XD)

The point of the first "definitely" was only to show how sure it was that the candies were delicious, but the second one is totally useless.

I wrote it like that mostly because I saw that several times in books I've read. Buuuuuuuuuut allow me to correct it, three dots is good enough for me.


Now, a couple of questions before I make all of the corrections, please.
"That was just one reason why they were so amazing" <-- How is that wrong? This not an angry question, by the way, I'm legetimately asking why the "that" from that phrase should be replaced by "there". The "that" refers to the fact that the candies were shaped like cute little crocodiles (that being one of the reasons why "they were so amazing." So again... How was that wrong? And for that matter, why should I say "shaped like a cute little crocodiles, when there's an s? Isn't that gramatically incorrect?
^ Sorry, I just want to make sure I understand everything before correcting my post, but I do acknowledge your nitpicking, and DO realize that it is necessary in any post.

I have the same doubts with "there was also the fact that they came in five different shiny colors" <-- How is that wrong, and why should the "the be replaced by "a"?
Totally replacing that tender with soft, that was my French side kicking in. I do see why the "they were" after "chew" should be removed though, allow me to correct that.
For the rest, I seem to understand perfectly, so I'm going to make all of these corrections right now. I did expect to have some languages mistakes, but I'm happy to see that these are not spread everywhere in the chapter.

Well thanks for reviewin' it! It did help, though I'm kind of waiting for your answer now, to make sure that I understand every nitpick about language.



fukase says...


First of all, why you like the word, nitpick?

I agreed with the:
The point of the first "definitely" was only to show how sure it was that the candies were delicious, but the second one is totally useless.

Well, you shouldn't exactly follow 100% about any review. Only correct the one that you find that will help your story becoming a good story.

Well, next!
I wrote it like that mostly because I saw that several times in books I've read. Buuuuuuuuuut allow me to correct it, three dots is good enough for me.

Well, of course there are things like that. I often found it in some books too, but the authors of these books know how and why to use it. Sometimes, I write it in my writing too. Study more as I'll study more too. However, there was something wrong with that sentence, sorry I couldn't tell you everything as I too don't know, but you corrected it and it seems to flow well within your story. :D

Moving on!
"That was just one reason why they were so amazing" <-- How is that wrong?

Because...care to look at your previous sentence?
It wasn't because they were shaped like cute little crocodiles.

You put 'it wasn't' here, so they simply not delicious because they were shaped like cute little crocodiles and yet, you said they were amazing. It could confuse other, though and why would a unyummy thing, amazing?

NEXT!
And for that matter, why should I say "shaped like a cute little crocodiles, when there's an s? Isn't that gramatically incorrect?

Actually, I cut the 't' too but well, you didn't see it coming. Well, if you're insisting on using plural on the crocodile, I think it fine now, though. However, please consider what I wrote earlier because I'm thinking that you're saying that the candies were different. Why? You couldn't hope to see a same identical crocodile in a single lake. Do as you wanted.

MOVING ON!
How is that wrong, and why should the "the' be replaced by "a"?

Because you didn't mentioned 'the' fact earlier. Study more as you would get your answer. (I recommend studying articles here(a,an,the).)

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
I did expect to have some languages mistakes, but I'm happy to see that these are not spread everywhere in the chapter.

Don't get your hope high because I was too lazy to check the rest...XD

Don't be mad...I hope this helped ya again!



TinkerTwaggy says...


Hey now, I'm not going to be mad at you, don't worry about it. I'm on this site to GET criticism anyway, right?

I like the word nitpick simply because of how it sounds (yes I know that's stupid). I also hate it 'cause it implies that I've made some mistakes, but hey, I'm not perfect anyway.

Yes, that's what I'm trying to do: correct what's necessary, but stay true to my style. I heard that was one good way to get better.

Yeah, that happens XD I do try to study how to use these stuff, and it seemed good to me. However, I re*read, and it is true that three dots work better, so... Thanks!

...Huh. I did, though, but go on.
...OH! I GET IT! I know exactly why i confused you (and other people). Oh yes, allow me to correct something else to make it clearer.
...There. It should be better now.

...oooooooooooooh. No no, I get it. Totally switching to single crocodile then. I see what I did wrong this time.

I am totally going to study these articles, I obviously need that more than I thought. Thank you for pointing that.
Oh, one question though: d'you have a few synonyms for "the fact" in the context I used it in? It might be able to fix the problem much more easily. I'll look it into it as well anyway.

WELL THAT'S REASSURING XD
No but it's fine, I always write knowing that I'll end up making mistakes. English is not my native language, and even in my native language, I make mistakes, so I wouldn't be TOO surprised if you came back here two days from now with a list of mistakes in the entire chapter, lol.

But seriously, I'm not gonna be mad, I'm here to learn, after all. Thanks, this is really really helpful to me.



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ClackFlip wrote a review...



They killed my father...
They stole my city...
They took my life from me in the cruelest of ways, by letting me keep it. Now I will have my revenge.
Volthorn the Electric Pegasus, coming soon to HBO
So, now that we've got my favorite new drama's trailer out of the way, let's get down to the actual review shall we?
I couldn't think of anything wrong with this chapter, other than it's kind of boring, but it's a necessary boring, so I'll let you keep it.
So, for the first time on YWS, ClackFlip the mighty will...
nitpick
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Well I'm only thirteen, so, anyone above my age look so… tall.

Just make that 'look' pluralized. Good man.
Schools that teach you stuff with virtual reality don't open up everyday, after all.

Every day should be two words in this instance.
A Cyberbase such as this one

You've got a side note here, mark it with a dash.
A Cyberbase -such as this one

And...that's it. I'll review these as they're published so notify me when they are m'kay?




TinkerTwaggy says...


The announcement should be on Shoogaz: Tension hunter, since Volthorn's just a character of the show BUT it was amazing, so nevermind XD

Yes, it is kind of boring, since I merely introduced some aspects of the story. Definitely not the most entertaining first chapter I've ever written, but heyn glad you see that it needs to be delt with.

*Le gasp* NITPICKS! My arch-nemesis strikes again...
Allow me to correct these, though, thanks for pointing them out.

FIXED! Thanks again, and I'll be sure to warn you. The next one should be published around next week.



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EnderFlash wrote a review...



HEHEHEHEHE I'M HERE TO REVIEWWWWWWWW

Let us start... with nitpicking.

“Nononono Don't tell me!

Either the don't needs to be lowercase, or there needs to be a period/exclamation mark after the Nononono.

This is a tiny detail, but whenever the number isn't too long, like two-digits, try to write them in word form. This is referring to the part where the two say their ages.

Oh, a virtual reality story! Gotcha. I don't want to quote every single thing I don't like in this chapter, so let's summarize it a bit. Some of the dialogue is really long, and unavoidable as that might seem, you could put interruptions between them, just so that the reader isn't scared off by such a long paragraph. I know I was. You could also explain things as they go along, to stretch it out a bit. And, of course, if you have the reader skipping the explanation right off the bat, the story's going to become even more confusing to them as it continues.

I do love the beginning of your story, though. It's... indescribable, but I love it. I must say, your first chapter is considerably more interesting than mine...




TinkerTwaggy says...


Everybody HATES nitpicking DX

Oh. I actually wanted to enphasize that Mettrick was saying several "no" really fast with that, so allow me to correct the Don't and put it back to lower case. I'll go ahead and correct the number parts, too.

Ah. Something tells me that you're referring to Ferrust's long explanation. I kind of presented it in a way that should've make a reader expect a long paragraph anyway, but it's interesting that you're telling me that. I just need to find myself some gimmicks to avoid long paragraphs to be too long.
*takes notes*

Have the reader skipping the explanation right off the bat? Did I do that? Can you give an example please?

The beginning? Oh yeah, the candy stuff XD I had some fun with that, actually, so thanks.
Pfff, naaah, don't worry, as long as you follow what you want for your story, it can only be good! Let's believe that. Now, lemme try and fix a few mistakes here and there...



TinkerTwaggy says...


@EnderFlash Fixed! Or so I think!
But you're right, little pauses between paragraphs definitely makes the whole thing MUCH better. Thankies :3



EnderFlash says...


I can READ it! xD About the examples for skipping the explanation, you've fixed it, but Ferrust's explanation was a massive block of text. I'm going to tell the truth; I skipped it. I knew I was going to get lost in there somewhere. d(._.) I eagerly await my friend to point out every single mistake in my chapter, and then I'll post it for you guys to dissect.




The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats