In the darkness,
not a sound,
was heard in the silence,
not the cat, nor the bird,
nor the bark of the hound,
soft breathing and whispers,
could be hear nearby,
then out came the sound,
of a soft little cry,
eyes so blue,
look out of their prison,
barred above her head,
and down below her bed,
tears fill her eyes,
and drop down her cheek,
waiting for someone,
who, in soft words, can speak,
all alone,
in her own little world,
in the darkness, there is no one
who will speak a single word,
to silence the cries,
and stop the tears,
falling from her eyes,
looking around,
all through the room,
nothing is there,
but the shadows still move,
trees turn to monsters,
the branches into hands,
and toys into creatures,
that move on the floor,
and make the tears fall more,
little scared eyes,
look over the bars,
with a peircing blue color,
that sparkle like stars,
her tear stained face,
can be seen through the darkness,
she falls on her bottom,
and lets out a cry,
that pierces the silence,
in the middle of the night,
within a few seconds,
movement down the hall,
and on comes the light,
another cry, another call,
footsteps and shuffling,
that lead to her room,
where she waits in her prison,
for some one to save her,
then in through the door,
a shadow walks in,
and moves across the floor,
as the lights turn on,
and arms wrap around her,
to pull her close,
the little eyes look above,
where big eyes look down,
over flowing with love,
the tears, they then do stop,
as her head lowers to the chest,
where a heart can be heard,
beating away, it is heard loud and clear,
her comfort is here,
being held in it's arms,
the frightened eyes close,
and again breathing soft,
once more,
the frail body,
lowered to the bed,
sleeping again,
ever so soundly,
supporting her head,
as she was placed in the crib,
and once more,
off turned the light,
and the lullaby was sung,
as she sleeps through the rest of the night,
and footsteps that lead,
back down the hall,
and back to the bed,
where the mommy so young will sleep,
as she lays down her head,
as she closes her eyes,
as she thinks to herself,
she begins to cry,
for the love from her child,
is the same a that of any other,
this mommy so young,
is still a mommy in love,
with her child asleep in her crib,
as she grows,
a mommy she will be,
speaking words of understanding,
so her baby will see,
she is loved,
she is cherished,
she is a gift from above,
for even a teen mother,
who made a mistake,
can love her baby,
the best mistake se ever did make,
for the bond between,
mommy and baby,
can never be broken,
but can always be seen.
Well hello! /
this was LENGTHY, a bit oddly spaced but nevertheless sweet. It definitely wasn't what I expected though. I expected a bit of a story-but I saw more of an artwork. From the beginning on. You used really beautiful, crisp words and I was captured especially by the first line.
My main concern though is the layout. There was little organization and seemed to not have stanzas. Also there was no spacing.
My advice to you is to take others advice and also to work on the layout.
I very much agree with Octobergrace. It's beautiful, although spacing seems like a little thing, it can actually do your writing the world of good. I admit that I've often looked at something without paragraphs (in the example of a novel.) and thought, no way.
However the subject is what really caught my eye.
I have a friend who is a teen mother, so I figured I'd give it a go since I've never read any poetry on the subject.
I'm glad I did though, really good job.
I like this very much. It is a sweet and musical message of hope and love that is very comforting. But there are a few mistakes. If you read it through, I'm sure you'll see the one or two misspellings and the punctuation errors. Also, the beginning and middle seem a little repetitive, and some of the same concepts are repeated and echoed too much. Also, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent and it interrupts the rhythm and flow. Also, break it up into stanzas so that it's easier to read. But I still liked the concept and the general feeling of the poem. Keep at it
Here are a few things:
First and foremost-Break this up into stanzas. This will make it a little more organized and easier for your reader to follow the poem.
Also, make sure to stay away from the cliches in the poem. You have a few, such as:
"with a peircing blue color,
that sparkle like stars"
Eyes sparkling like the stars could probably be the definition of cliche, do not use it!
Also:
"she is a gift from above"
This phrasing is used over and over again. Find a different way to say it or reword it something.
Every line does not have to have a comma at the end, and there need to be some periods at the end of some of the lines. Also, capitilize the beginning of the words at the beginning of the lines.
Here is a typo:
"the best mistake se ever did make,"
I believe that is supposed to be she.
Overall, your flow was pretty good and you seem to have that down for the most part.
Content is good too. Just make sure to take out the cliches and BREAK UP THE POEM. If you need help with this you can PM, and I can assist you. Starting poetry (or writing or any kind) is a process that gets better with critique and practice. You'll get the hang of it. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay
I really liked the content! It's beautiful. Especially:
I think, though, that it might be better if you used less commas and used more variety in the length of each line. That, and using more varied, exciting word choice, which would give this a bit more spice and would likely keep a reader's attention more.