The crime of my offering;
still in the world.
I'm wheeling,
wheeling away.
While the gun I hold
builds its relationship
with love inside the barrel.
Why don't aim!?!
You don't know
if what you're looking at is real.
There is love,
and a lover in one shot.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I have to agree with Elinor, this left me quite confused, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I can't quite get what the meaning of it is, or what feeling your trying to convey. Is he killing people or something? Out of love for someone? I just really don't get it. Try making it a little clearer next time
.
Hi!
To be honest with you, this poem left me quite confused. I couldn't really understand what it is about and what new knowledge you wanted the reader to walk away with. Your first four lines are good-painting an image of something almost surreal-but then it quickly goes downhill from that.
I can tell that of your two subjects in the poem-a gun and love-one is supposed to be the focus of the story, while the other is supposed to be the analogy. The reader needs to know which is which! You start off about guns in your first stanza, your second stanza turns to love, and then you make a quick reference back to love. Besides, what kind of love is it. Does the narrator love killing? Is it romantic love? Why? Why are the two together in one poem?
So, when you go back to revise this (I hope you do!) I think you could make this longer. Even if you know what the poem is supposed to be about, it doesn't really come across, so try to write it on a sheet paper. Then bit by bit, explain the story. It can be as long as you want-don't feel the need to be restricted by space, especially in poetry.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Elinor xo