Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?
The line "For if you could really love": I think the word "could" can be replaced with "had" because you didn't write "you say you "can" love her' so "could" does not fit in there.
Secondly, the line "For if you could really love": it needs to balance the sentence to account for the stress in the previous lines. You can write is like "For if you really did" or "For if you had really loved her". Give it a read keeping in mind what I've suggested, and you'll know it.
The line "Never wonder if you're there": it really does not tell us who is saying this line. It needs a subject to clearly express its meaning.
The following two lines "From the beauty that is her" and "For you do believe": both these lines can be written differently. This is how: For the beauty she is" "You would believe in".
The following lines "You might lose her forever" and "Should you look away too long": you can write these lines as: "May be losing her forever" and "For looking away too long".
In the third stanza, the line "Lose her forever" feels like a repetition from the second last line of the second stanza. You can write is as: " And forever without her;". That semicolon is there to link it to the second line "A fate even worse than death".
The last three line of the third stanza are an abrupt change in the overall design/style/flow of the poem where you have wrote them like it is a prose.
I feel like that is too much. Please it is not to offend you in any way. It was all to help you in your journey.
Points: 38
Reviews: 13
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