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If You Really Loved Her

by Toboldlygo


You say that you care
You say that you love her
Yet you do not careĀ 
For if you could really love
This is what you'd do
You'd never leave her alone
Never wonder if you're there.

You could only look
Into her beautiful eyes
But never away
From the beauty that is herĀ 
For you do believe
You might lose her forever
Should you look away too long.

Lose her forever
A fate even worse than death
So to prevent it
You would show her the depths of
Your undying love
And how you would show her that
Would be through so many ways.

You would make the time
Despite how busy you are
She could never be
An hour scheduled in between
All the things to do
A brief message then forget
Because you just do not care.


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13 Reviews


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Wed May 01, 2019 8:36 pm
Myers wrote a review...



Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?

The line "For if you could really love": I think the word "could" can be replaced with "had" because you didn't write "you say you "can" love her' so "could" does not fit in there.

Secondly, the line "For if you could really love": it needs to balance the sentence to account for the stress in the previous lines. You can write is like "For if you really did" or "For if you had really loved her". Give it a read keeping in mind what I've suggested, and you'll know it.

The line "Never wonder if you're there": it really does not tell us who is saying this line. It needs a subject to clearly express its meaning.

The following two lines "From the beauty that is her" and "For you do believe": both these lines can be written differently. This is how: For the beauty she is" "You would believe in".

The following lines "You might lose her forever" and "Should you look away too long": you can write these lines as: "May be losing her forever" and "For looking away too long".

In the third stanza, the line "Lose her forever" feels like a repetition from the second last line of the second stanza. You can write is as: " And forever without her;". That semicolon is there to link it to the second line "A fate even worse than death".

The last three line of the third stanza are an abrupt change in the overall design/style/flow of the poem where you have wrote them like it is a prose.

I feel like that is too much. Please it is not to offend you in any way. It was all to help you in your journey.




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Tue Apr 30, 2019 1:42 pm
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Leviari wrote a review...



Hi!
You've already received some great comments about punctuation, so let's move on, shall we?

"You would make the time
Despite how busy you are
She could never be
An hour scheduled in between
All the things to do
A brief message then forget
Because you just do not care."

This stanza hit me hard! Such a great way to close your poem! I feel like you just described heartache in a modern and fresh way, with very effective metaphors.

Regarding the first stanza, I got the idea that you wanted to put emphasis on the word "love". I understand what you were trying to do, but personally it feels a little redundant and considering it's the stanza that introduces us to the rest of this beautiful poem, I don't think it gives justice to the rest of your composition. I'd like to point out that this is just an observation based on my personal taste.

Overall I think you did a great job!




Toboldlygo says...


Thank you very much :)



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Mon Apr 29, 2019 4:09 am
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Anma says...



Love it so much!!! I think I just found my favorite poem.




Toboldlygo says...


Thank you so much! I'm really touched :)



Anma says...


It's really good though! Np



Anma says...


I srsly can't get over this poem! It's so good!



Toboldlygo says...


Awww, you're too nice :)



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Sat Apr 27, 2019 5:16 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

I like what you have here, expressing ways to show love to someone who really deserves better treatment. It's like a third person pining away for someone who is in an undeserving relationship, or what the person thinks is not enough.

Generally, I love how you start this. It's an excellent introduction for your piece and the spin you're using for this theme. The starting few lines are a little weird to me, though. I can see the parallelism here, but it doesn't really flow for me. It... could easily be because there's no punctuation here. I'm not really sure? But if you're planning to stick with no punctuation, I think these first three lines need to be reorganized or rewritten. Right now, the opening line just looks like a mistake after reading the second line, like it forgot the word "her". I like the third line if the second line was gone though! So, hence, they just need to be looked at and juggled a bit more.

So you have some really good lines reading through this piece, but I really just feel like punctuation is necessary in this piece. There are several lines here that don't really stand on their own and, therefore, don't really flow well. It's disruptive to have to reread a couple lines simply because you didn't realize that line was the start of a sentence. This piece doesn't really rely on connected, running thoughts without pause. This sentence thrives on punctuation because it's a discussion, a monologue of sorts, and the speaker is being very precise and clear about what he's trying to say. Example!

But never away
From the beauty she carries
For you do believe
You might lose her forever
Should you look away too long.


So in this quote from your piece, lines 1-5 we'll call them, I thought the train of thought ended after line 1. Then I read line 2 and figured oh, it ends here. Then I read line 3 and I'm like wait how long is this sentence? Line 4, I finally decide the sentence ends here. Line 5 I suddenly find a period!

See what I mean? It's kind of a game playing with the reader's mental voice as they read this piece. You want to eliminate frustration while forcing them to read it a certain way. Some poems use a lack of punctuation for this purpose, but many still use punctuation and play with the rules that way.

Back to the piece itself, though, I really like this section:

Lose her forever
A fate even worse than death
So to prevent it
You would show her the depths of
Your undying love


I think this shows the speaker's emotions very clearly through the way these lines are phrased. They are, indeed, poetic!

And how you would show her that
Would be through so many ways.


I actually would just eliminate "that" here. It just occurred to me that's probably all you need to do. TThis was very awkward to read with the "that / would be" since they're just extra words and not really necessary.

You would make the time
Despite how busy you are
She could never be
An hour scheduled in between
All the things to do
A brief message then forget forgotten
Because you just do not care.


A really powerful end. Like, this is a great thought to end on because it solidifies the speaker's passion for the subject while tearing down the person they're talking to, pouring guilt into their souls for treating her otherwise.

So you have some really good moments here. They just need to be polished and outstanding for the reader. With a little rework here and there, I think this could read astoundingly well. Start out just playing around with punctuation. You might be surprised how much of a difference it makes!

Keep writing! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




Toboldlygo says...


Thanks so much for the review! I am going to say that this is actually a ch%u014Dka, which is an 8th-14th century style of Japanese poetry that, similar to haiku, alternates between 5 and 7 syllables per line, ending with an extra line of 7. So that's why I sometimes have superfluous words stuck into lines, because I'm trying to get the syllable count right.

I totally see your point about punctuation. With the idea of it being a ch%u014Dka in mind, would you suggest putting commas after each line or something else? I think something that would help is working on my line spacing, but I don't actually know how to do that with the YWS system. All of my lines, every time I hit "enter," go to that distance, whether I want single, double, or an extra space there. I think it might read better if the verses were spaced the way I had envisioned it, but I don't know how to do that. Any advice?

Thanks for the review! I really appreciate what you had to say!



Toboldlygo says...


I think it might make more sense now :)



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Sat Apr 27, 2019 12:45 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely night, I'll try to make this short, and help get this out the green room.

Let's start shall we.

So the only thing I saw that needed to be fixed was that you don't have very much punctuation. If you don't put enough of it in your poem, the flow wont be the way you want it. And the emotions you want to get across wont really go as well.

But having said that I thought this poem was really well written, and the emotion that you did get across was very strong and I could feel it through out the whole poem, and it was nice to read. And ever if you didn't have that much punctuation in your poem you still had a nice flow, and it was a joy to read. I thought the length of your poem was also really good, I felt like it was just the right length, enough to get across what you needed to.

Well that's all from me for now, I hope this review helped you. It was a great joy to read and review. Never stop writing because your writing is really good, and enjoyable to read. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Toboldlygo says...


Hey! Thanks for the review!

I totally see your point about punctuation. I had intended each line to be single spaced, with an extra space between each verse, but I don't know how to do that in the YWS system. It always defaults to that amount of space. I think it might make more sense if it were spaced the way I intended. Maybe not. I'll see what I can find in the way of fixing the formatting.

Thanks!





I'm glad I could help!
I think the spacing with work, and I have a way to do that with my poems. What I do is this, I write down what I need to write done then I press enter and I type this in ... and press enter again. And keep writing. That is what I do. I think it will help.





I'm glad I could help!
I think the spacing with work, and I have a way to do that with my poems. What I do is this, I write down what I need to write done then I press enter and I type this in ... and press enter again. And keep writing. That is what I do. I think it will help.



Toboldlygo says...


Thanks!



Toboldlygo says...


I think it might make more sense now :)





Yes it sounds a lot better now! :)




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor