"Dear Josiah,
The City is a very big, very busy place, full of very interesting people. Maleen was so happy to see me. Maleen also has a brother, named Threbus. He's her twin but because their parents died they don't know who's older. They've all been very kind and have tried to make me feel at home. But I really, really miss home. Only a week and a half left until I see you again, and it already feels like I've been away forever. Has Daffodil foaled yet?
I promised I'd tell you everything, so here I go. It was a very, very long train ride, over a day! I was so tired and hungry when I got in. It was extremely late, so Maleen and her grandmother didn't come to get me. Instead, they sent Threbus. Threbus is nice, but a little shy around me sometimes. Maleen says he's not used to her friends talking to him and he doesn't know what to make of me. I feel bad for him, if most of her friends just ignore him, because he really is very nice. He also makes wonderful pancakes. Their cook (yes, they have a cook and hired girls and lots of servants!) taught him how to cook. Apparently, he used to get her up in the middle of the night every night because he was hungry. He would have already eaten everything in the icebox, of course. So she taught him how to cook so that he could make his own food. Sometimes if I'm not asleep yet I'll suddenly smell pancakes, and sometimes when I'm asleep I even dream about them!
Maleen has been taking me around the city to see everything. I've been to the parks, monuments, and to the Capital building on the island in the middle of the lake. We've even seen it at night, when they light candles spiraling all around the building so that it's lit up, and the lights reflect off the water. It's lovely! I've even tried the peanuts, at Threbus's request, and they were good, but not as good as the peanuts back home.
Maleen has, of course, been bringing me to parties just about every night. She's only a year older than I am, but she seems so much older, closer to Judith's age. She wears her skirts down to her ankles, and her hair is always pinned up. I feel like a child, in my knee-length skirts and braid. But I'd rather be a child and able to play with you and my brothers than be grownup and have to act like Judith. You remember how much fun she used to be, until she fell for Judah and went crazy and got boring. But Maleen isn't like that at all. She's lent me dresses for the parties, and they actually are nice to wear. But the parties are very different than at home. There are only people our age, the parents and children are gone. There're huge tables full of food, and there's dancing, but not this kind of dancing. I'm glad I can wear long skirts to these because it hides that I can't dance. Threbus mostly hangs around the food, but he's danced with me a few times." I cut off here and start to think things over.
'Can I really tell Josiah about Threbus?' I wonder. I think of Josiah, of all our memories, and then of Threbus, who's so dashing. An uncomfortable feeling starts to settle into my stomach. I shake it off and rapidly finish my letter.
"I wish you and the others could have come to see me. I've sent letters to my family, too, but tell Rahab and Miriam and Ephram and Maggie that I'm having a wonderful time and will have plenty to tell them later.
Your friend,
Tamar."
I fold the letter and seal it before writing the address on the other side. I hope Josiah will get it soon.
"Let's go, Tamar! Grandmother wants us to go riding with her!" Maleen calls.
I drop my pen and pull on my cloak before running out the door. "I'm coming!" I call.
I like going on rides with Maleen's grandmother. There's a sweet little mare named Canary they let me ride. I also like that Threbus never comes. Until today, apparently.
"Hello, Tamar," he smiles down at me, his face red.
"Um, hi," I stutter, sure my face is equally red. What is happening to me? Why am I acting like this around him? Maleen is staring at both of us, a huge grin spread across her face.
Threbus coughs and turns back to his horse, a huge gelding named Jupiter. Maleen's grandmother is already mounted on Angel, and Maleen is leading Diana towards the mounting block.
I don't need a mounting block; I'm used to my Appaloosas, so I scramble up onto Canary and wait for them to be ready.
"And how are you, today, Dear?" Maleen's grandmother asks me, smiling over at me.
"I'm fine, Ma'am, and yourself?" I reply politely.
"Just fine, Dear, just fine," she answers, still smiling at me. She's a quiet little lady, but what she lacks in word she makes up in heart.
Threbus and Maleen come out, and we start out on the ride. Threbus manages to maneuvre Jupiter so that he's right next to me. Maleen is on my other side, and their grandmother is slightly behind, listening to our chatter and occasionally adding a word.
'Josiah,' I think to myself, glancing nervously at Threbus's shining eyes now and then, 'what's happening to me?'
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi, Cricket here for a quick review!
So I'll start off with the nitpicks.
You need a comma after word.
Maybe you could consider taking the last "cook" out. Its used to many times in the same sentence.
That seems kinda short and forgotten. Try adding on to it or something.
Well that's it for the nitpicks!
But anyway this seems like a really cool story!
Can't wait to read the rest!
Next chapter please?

I love this. I feel pulled through the chapters, compelled to finish, and unable to stop even though my mother is calling me.
Hehe.
Not much to say, but I quite like how all your characters are very personable and real. Other than finding a lowercase "i" in chapter four, I see no error worth mentioning. Tamar very much reminds me of someone I know
I like the title. It's different, unique.
That's all, folks!
~Rainn