Country Mouse Chapter 3

I wake up in a room filled with sunshine. I look around and drink in the loveliness of the room. White curtains with pink and yellow roses cover the windows, a dressing table lined with matching fabric is by the door, and the stool before it adorned with a lacy pillow. The blanket I've slept under is more of the same fabric, and the walls have a rose wallpaper on them. I am dumbfounded; I have never seen such luxury before.

I jump up and shake out the wrinkles in my dress. I dig through my bag until I find a nice skirt and blouse to wear. I shed the dirty dress and pull on the long solid blue skirt and the light pink blouse. I am grateful that I'm still young enough to not need to cover my ankles, because I can tell that already it's going to be a hot day.

I come out the room and walk down the hallway. Almost immediately, I am lost. I wander around, looking for some way to get downstairs. The house seems abandoned, there's not a soul to be seen. Luxury and finery surround me, from the rich, soft red carpeting to the wallpaper and paint to the pieces of art sitting out on side tables.

I finally find a side door and cautiously open it. Mama taught me to always respect other people's homes, but this seemed to be exceptional enough to justify trying to get a bearing as to where I am. I find a winding staircase and follow it down.

I come out in a kitchen, and my eyes grow brighter. This at least I understand! I step into the kitchen, closing the door behind me.

"Be ye the new hired girl? About time ye be gottin' out o' bed!" A voice croaks from the far corner of the room. I look over and see a tall, elderly lady standing by the stove. Her grey hair is tucked beneath her cap and a scowl is set in her face.

"Um, I'm Tamar, I'm visiting Maleen. But if you need something, I'm happy to help you," I explain cautiously.

Immediately, her face grows friendlier. "Beggin' yer pardon, Miss Tamar, when I saws you come into the room I thought you was the new hired girl, if you can understand my meanin'. My old eyesight just ain't what it used to be, and sure that's the truth. Why, nows as I see ye in the light, I see sure an' yer the friend o' Miss Maleen. I'm the Cook, call on me whenever yous needs something. Mathilda!" the last was directed into the ajoining room.

Almost instantly, a small blond girl with bright green eyes enters the room. "Yes, Cook?" she inquires politely.

"Take the Miss Tamar here out to see Miss Maleen, and git that hired girl out o' bed afore I run her head in with the frying pan!"

"Yes, Cook." Mathilda bobs a curtsy and beckons me to follow her. "Right this way, Miss Tamar," she says to me.

I follow Mathilda through a hallway, until I come to an open set of stairs. She leads up upstairs and into a large, sunny room. I see Maleen reading a book in the corner.

"Thank you, Mathilda," I say politely. She bobs another curtsy and leaves.

"TAMAR!" I heat Maleen shout. "I'm so excited to see you!" She runs up to me and gives me a hug. I hug her back and then step back to look at her.

She still has the same quiet, peaceful look, the same dark hair and eyes and light skin, but there's something else about her too. She seems older. With her hair up in a twist and her skirt down to the floor, she looks elegant and old enough to be my mother. Well, maybe not my mother, but at least as old as my sister Judith, who at 16 is married and has a baby.

Maleen is looking back at me with her quiet smile. "How was your trip? I see my brother found you, did he get you back here at a decent hour?" she asks.

"He found me, and brought me back and gave me something to eat. He makes good pancakes. I'm so sorry I slept late this morning, I was just so tired! I didn't upset your plans, did I?" I ask anxiously.

Maleen smiles. "No, not at all. This evening we're invited to a party; all of my friends want to meet you. Unfortunately, none of the boys can escort you, so you'll have to go with Threbus. You don't mind too much, do you, dear?" she asks. I can tell that she is worried about the situation, so I hastily assure her that it's fine.

We don't do very much during the day. We eat a late brunch and then go for a walk through the park. Other than that, we mostly talk in the gardens until it's time to get ready for the party. I don't know what to wear, so I put on my dress from yesterday. It's a little wrinkled, but it still looks nice. By now I know where Maleen's room is, so I go there once I'm ready.

"Oh dear, don't you have a bit of a fancier dress?" Maleen wails when she sees me. I silently shake my head no. She sighs. "It's my fault, I should have told you in my last letter to bring something fancy for the evenings."

She rummages through her wardrobe for a moment, before pulling out an emerald green dress. "Here, try this," she says, holding it out. I take the dress and slip it on. She gasps in surprise.

"What?" I ask nervously. Maleen doesn't reply, instead she takes my hair out and starts brushing it up into a twist like hers. Once she is done, she covers my eyes and leads me to the mirror. She takes her hand away and I look at my reflection.

A small, fairylike figure with deep red hair and deep, two-toned blue eyes is staring back at me. Her skin is glowing in the evening light and her hair appears to be on fire. She is wearing a floor length emerald dress that perfectly offsets her hair. It is simple, but the simplicity makes it more becoming. Maleen puts a string of pearls around my neck. I keep staring at my reflection. Why, I almost look like Judith! Lovely Judith, whose beauty I have envied since the day I opened my eyes, sweet Judith, known throughout the county as the most fragrant rose of them all, darling Judith, so radiant on her wedding day, as the grandmothers cried over her and her husband beamed and the other boys her age looked on in envy. And I look like her!

I am startled out my thoughts by a sharp knock on the door. "Hurry up or all the food will be gone! And if the food's gone, I'm not staying!" Threbus calls into the room. Maleen rolls her eyes.

"We're coming, baby brother!" she calls back.

"Well come on then, little sister!" comes the reply.

Maleen sees me looking confused. "We're twins, but we don't know who is older. Our mother died when we were born and our father was killed a few months before. Grandmother never found out who was the older," she explains.

"Oh. I'm sorry," I begin, not sure what to say.

Maleen shrugs. "Come on, we'd better go or he'll leave us," she changes the subject.

We step outside, Maleen first. Threbus laughs.

"Maleen, you look like a chicken!" he exclaims. Then he sees me and stops. He's silent for a moment, before he finally squeaks out a high pitched, "hello!". Maleen smirks.

We get to the party and Maleen's friends crowd around me. Although all of them are very different from me, we get along well and talk sociably until Threbus interrupts.

"Come on, I saved you something to eat," he tells me, taking my arm and leading me towards the food.

I take a plateful and hungrily wolf it down, but Threbus seems to nervous to eat.

"Do you want to dance?" he asks suddenly. I'm a bit surprised, and I actually don't want to because I don't know any of these dances, but Mama raised me to be polite, so I say yes.

Threbus takes me and starts to teach me to dance. The benefit of the skirts is that as long as I don't let him step on me, no one knows I can't dance. I know this because Threbus himself tells me I dance like an angel. I decide not to tell him that he's wrong.

We finally return home late in the evening, and Maleen and I head tiredly inside. Before I can go upstairs, though, Threbus catches my hand and turns me so that he is looking right at me.

"It's nice having you here, Tamar," he says softly.

"Thank you. It's nice to be here," I reply, somewhat bewildered. He looks down at his hand and awkwardly stuffs it into his pocket.

"Well, good night," he mumbles, dashing out of the room.

I am passing Maleen's door when she pokes her head out.

"Tamar! Come sleep in here so we can talk," she whispers.

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Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review · Fri Jul 06, 2012 5:41 pm

Hey Toboldlygo!

I do this. I do that. I do this...
I apologise for being so blunt but you really, really need to work on your sentence structure. Of your first ten sentences eight of them begin with "I <verb," and your first five paragraphs all start with "I."
This is hugely important. It makes your writing monotonous and dull, and gets boring very quickly. It also keeps you stuck in the habit of thinking "I did this and then saw that. I did this and there was that and that there. I did something else involving this object,' and severely limits the amount of scope and imagination you can use when exploring the world you've created in your head, since everything seems to be attributed to an action. Try rearranging all of your sentences.

For example: "I wake up in a room filled with sunshine" could be rearranged like so:

The room is filled with sunshine.
Sunshine fills the room.
Filling the room are beams of sunshine.
Upon waking I blink against the sunshine that filled the room.
Sun-filled rooms are nice to wake up to.

What I would recommend, though it's going to be really hard, is to edit your work and have *NO* sentence throughout the whole thing that starts with 'I,' just to get you used to it and to break the habit. Then you can put the 'I's back in sparingly.

Positives:
I like Maleens introduction :) Something about her seems so wisened and elegant, she caught my attention right away, and the way you describe her is great.
You sentence structure sucks, it must be said. However your varying paragraphs, sentence lengths and vocabulary is good. You've also got a nice balance around the prose and dialogue which a lot of people find it difficult to get the hang of.

Get those sentences sorted and I reckon you'll be well on your way.



cats, actually.<3
— theromanticchemist