Country Mouse Chapter 2

I sit on the hard bench in the train. The empty car has filled up, it's so crowded now. Most of the people are asleep, but I can't. I've been traveling for over 15 hours and awake for almost 24, but I'm still too excited to sleep.

"S. Cary St. Station!" I hear a shout from the front of the car. The conducter is calling out the next station. "I look down at my ticket, sure enough, this is where I get off. I pick up my bag and start to struggle my way forward.

The conducter smiles. "Have fun in the city," he says. He's very nice, but so busy, so he hardly has time to give me some advice as he lifts me out the car as if I'm a little child. "Keep your head on straight," he says.

I look around, hoping to see Maleen or her grandmother. After a few minutes, a young gentleman comes up to me. He looks like Maleen; he has the same dark eyes and hair and creamy skin.

"Are you Tamar?" he asks. I nod my head slowly. "Good!" he says. "That makes my life easier. I'm Threbus, Maleen's brother. I was sent to fetch you, here, let me take your bag."

I hold on to my bag. "Thank you very much, Sir," I say, "but if you hold it the wrong way the handle will fall off. There's only one way to hold it, and I've got it down."

He shrugs. "If you insist," he replies casually.

We walk outside to a carriage. He opens the door for me and I hop in, and then he climbs up and drives. After a few minutes, though, I get bored with sitting inside and squirm my way out the window. Holding on to the edge, I wiggle myself until I'm in a good position to grab onto the roof and pull myself up. From there, it's easy to slide down onto the seat beside Threbus.

"What are you doing here?" he yelps when he sees me.

"I got bored inside. I hope you don't mind," I reply.

"No, not at all, you just surprised me. I've never heard of anyone getting from inside to out here before. How did you do it" he asks.

I shrug. "I just climbed. It wasn't too hard," I reply. Threbus doesn't say anything, in fact he hardly looks at me during the enire conversation, but a look that is almost admiration flashes across his face for a brief second.

We pass the rest of the trip in silence, and before I know it, we've arrived at the house. No, it's not a house. Maleen lives in a mansion.

I step up to the door and stare at the fancy decorations adoring the porch. Threbus steps up next to me; servants have taken the carriage. Servants have taken the carriage. The folks back at Turtle Creek will never believe it!

Threbus opens the door for me and I step inside.

"I'm sorry I'm the only one up. It's so late that everyone else is already in bed," he apologizes.

"It's no problem," I assure him.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, changing the subject. I nod; I haven't had anything to eat since I left my grandparents' house.

Threbus leads me into the kitchen. "The cook is in bed, so we'll have to get ourselves something. I guess I can make pancakes. If you look in the icebox, you'll find a chocolate chess pie, fresh baked and put aside for later. We can eat that," he tells me, pulling out ingredients to make pancakes.

"You can cook?" I ask, dumbfounded. Maleen had been so surprised at how well my brothers cook that I had assumed that city boys don't.

"Cook made me learn because she got tired of getting up in the middle of the night," he explains. "I get hungry," he adds, seeing the bewildered look on my face.

The pancakes are done by now and we're sitting down to eat. It only takes a few minutes to finish the pancakes and all of the pie.

"It's nice to meet a girl who can eat," Threbus says.

I look at him in surprise. "Of course I can eat," I say, confused.

He laughs. "The girls here are afraid of ruining their figures,so they never eat. I can't complain, it leaves more for me. Still, it's more sociable to have someone else eating too," he explains.

"I have to eat, I live on a small farm in a wooded county, five miles from a town. If I don't eat, I'm useless," I explain, unsure of what's going on. Just then I yawn.

"Come on, I'll take you upstairs," Threbus says, leading me out. I make it a few steps, but I'm too tired to walk, and I slump down in the hallway. Exhaustion has hit, and I can't move. I barely notice as Threbus picks me up and carries me upstairs, dropping me onto a soft bed and silently slips out of the room.

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sarahjane97
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Hello there! Sarah here to review! :)

So far, so good! I really like it. It's well written and the pace is perfect--not slow and boring, but not fast and confusing either. My favorite part is the introduction to the chapter--I hate plodding thorugh long, heavy opening paragraphs. The mental conversation Tamar has with herself is instead fresh and easy to read.

As much as you would like to hear my praise all day, here are some nit-picks:

"in fact, I've never even been farther than the Turtle Creek and Wild Rose Co. Library, about 5 miles from my house!"

The number 5, since it's under 10, should be written out in word form. Five, not 5.

"'Hey girl,' I whisper to her 'Be good while I'm gone. Don't have the foal without me, ok?' I pat her gently as I speak."

There should be a period after the word her.

Also, maybe it's just me, but the last sentence in the chapter dissatisfies me. It seems a little weak for a closing sentence. Maybe you could write something with more finality, such as:

I wave from the window as we pull away from the station and the only world I know.

A bit cheesy, but more grand than just "as we pull out". End it with a bang. :)

Okay, that's about all I can find to critique in this chapter. All and all, it's a great start, and I can't wait to see where you take this story. Best of luck, and I hope you take some of my suggestions into consideration! :)

Thanks so much! :) I'm glad you enjoyed it.



Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak