you killed mommy

I loved this creepy little poem. It amazing. So the thing is it's 4 children, one the narrator,two Chia ,third Anna and the new born that killed mommy. , right?
Well it was okay and it's disturbing.I think you could have made it longer by including more of the child as 'hated him\er but really does he\she really know that mommy's gone.'
it would indicate that him\her feels pity for the baby.

This is horrifying enough I can't bring myself to drop a like on it, which just goes to show you did a really great job.

Hi Tobiah,

Wow. You definitely weren't kidding about this being dark. I love it! It's so... eerie. I can definitely tell it's written from a child's perspective. The only time I become a little unsure as to the age of the narrator is in the second stanza ("dad would rock..."). The metaphors you used here sound more mature than the wording of the rest of the poem. That being said, they're still powerful metaphors. The "bleeding from his eyes" line really grabbed me. My assumption is that you're using that as a way to describe the intense emotional pain behind his tears, and it works beautifully.

I think the length is perfect. Any longer and it might have started to sound melodramatic. The ending keeps it so matter-of-fact, which really furthers the creepiness.

Great work - keep writing!

-floatingvoice

Oh...... A little disappointing, I was also expecting something more violent/Horrible/Gory since it was rated 16+ like artstex mentioned but it is very good. (I really liked it;) But I would like to inform you that the "dad" wouldn't have hyphema (bleeding from eyes) unless his heart pumped too hard and popped his blood vessels in his eye which is physically impossible unless he just happened to have an aneurysm on one of the eye vessels and it popped. But then it would just make the sclera appear to be red and it wouldn't actually bleed. But anyways this is a great poem and I can't find anything else that the previous reviewers haven't said so Great Job.

The poem was disturbing to say the least, but that’s a positive point – you *intended* to evoke such a reaction/thought/feeling from us. However, I’d have preferred it if you had carried it on to prolong the sense of terror. It’s rated as 16+, so I was expecting some intense, gorily horrifying imagery. But, you toned it down, which I found *slightly* disappointing.

Moving on to the technical aspect of this poem, I noticed that you hadn’t capitalised the sentences. That makes the poem look . . . amateurish and because the speaker’s a child him/herself, I can believe you’ve done this on purpose. This allowed you to connect to the reader in a way, so that’s another plus point.

Overall, your poem had a strong concept, but I believe it can be improved in its delivery. Despite this, I enjoyed reading it.

Well done, and keep writing!

God this is dark and depressing. Especially that ending. Jesus. I like it.

The sentences aren't capitalized, but I assume that was a style choice on your part as opposed to a repeated mistake. Either way, it adds to the uneasy sense that a child is telling this disturbing story.

The only other typo I could find was at the end. Forehead is misspelled as forhead, not that it matters too much or anything.