she tells you your truths

And now for that promised review.

I am both pleasantly surprised and, quite frankly, enthralled by this piece. It has such a visceral feel, but refrains from getting particularly gritty or rough. It also plays on vanity, which is a topic that poets either take in stride or shy away from completely. After all, we attempt to create beauty from any situation no matter how dark or personal, so I appreciate a piece like this.

That having been said, let's discuss a few aspects of this, particularly some of the more interesting bits of word choice. And punctuation as well. I'm gonna get really nit-picky and it's only because I actually like this poem quite a bit.

Tobiah wrote:beauty; her fingertips brush across your neck

I find it interesting that you chose to use a semicolon after beauty, as if suggesting that beauty itself is a clause all its own. I'm not sure if this is because we're personifying the concept of beauty or vanity by making it a subjunctive or if beauty is how you've decided to label a particular person, or a type of people. It leaves this open for interpretation - which I appreciate - but it also puts a heavy emphasis on beauty as a whole. That having been said, I think this is one of those circumstances where combining the two clauses might be more apt a way of suggesting that this is a power play between beauty and its, shall we say, prey. This poem, if I'm correct, isn't just about beauty's ability to change someone's very foundation but is about that person and how that person has changed.

So, pretty much, I don't know how I feel about that semicolon. Moving on:

Tobiah wrote:lips quirk in a smile

as she breathes in your ear

I assume the lips quirking is more personification? The reader is supposed to be reacting to these sorts of sensory blips, like breath and sound and touch, but her lips are close to the readers ear making it quite impossible to see that those lips are quirking. I like the play on the senses. Consider the weight of sight more and it may go to benefit this a little further especially seeing as physical adequacy seems to be the most important topic of this poem. What better to hammer that home than by alluding to sights the reader would actually be able to see?

Tobiah wrote:the steam hits you harder then her words

you're odd, dearest

very, very

odd

It seems to me the words are what hits the reader the hardest by how this ends. Interesting play on steam but not a particularly strong sentiment. As for the repetition on 'very, very' as its own line, I quite liked that.

Tobiah wrote:she thinks that if you can be deprived of the truth

so can she

I actually was a little bit befuddled by this statement. It seems to me vanity is playing games with the reader, changing the reader's very foundations of consciousness and import. I'm not sure why vanity would want to deprive herself from the truth, unless you're suggesting the reader's beauty is the truth which is cute, don't get me wrong, but a little on the gimmicky side.

Tobiah wrote:but her lies stay with you

forever

Not liking forever on its own line. Feels like there should be a big 'dun dun DUNNNNN' afterwards for the amount of emphasis put on it. I realize it may not look as nice when laid out otherwise, but the line as one feels poignant and less gimmicky.

Now that the nitpicks have been covered, here's my final opinion.

I actually quite liked this poem in a lot of ways. The concept, for one, is something I have a particular interest in (I mean, my picture is Marilyn Monroe after all) so I give you props for addressing it in a way that's quite clever. I love personification. It's right up there on my top five favourite poetic devices, just below repetition so I appreciate it when I see it.

Though this was clearly metaphorical from start to finish, I feel as if this could have had maybe another hinted level above. That, of course, is merely conjecture as this did do a fairly good job at retaining a nice, simplistic balance while still holding true to a metaphor the entire way through.

I enjoyed this. Keep me posted if you upload anything else.

~ Walker

Hiiyaa...It's me Urba here for a review!!

This poem was great if can really get into the throw and the massage behind it was also great...

the steam hits you harder then her words

Shouldn't the word Then be Than?

you're odd, dearest

very, very

odd

I really liked the line break here...
I see you didn't put capital letters...I should have put a red mark there but it's looking much good without capitals for this kind of poem...and unique also...

she thinks that if you can be deprived of the truth

Sounds better if you write it like this:-
and thinks if you can be deprived of the truth
(Dunno if it's grammatically right or wrong)(I'm really weak in Grammar)

but her lies stay with you

forever

Were the best lines...
Keep writing...I'll wait for you to submit more works...have fun and make a lot of friends...

Good Wishes...

~Urbariazi