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When I Take a Picture of You (1/3)

by ToastK


“Hey, can you take a picture of me?” Said a voice from behind.

Those words, carried by the wind, reached Jun’s ears, while the wind created a draft, tossing his unkempt hair around in a dance with the petals of cherry blossoms that traveled a long way in their journeys.

Jun turned his head to see a girl wearing his school’s uniform. The fresh, allergy inducing spring wind whistled, filling in the awkward gaps of silence between them.

“Hey, can you take a picture of me?” The girl repeated, stepping up a bit closer this time.

“…” Jun stayed silent. Instead of a response, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and started typing. The girl tried to look over and take a quick peek at what he was typing, but the bright sunlight prevented that from happening.

“You go to Keiron High right? I saw you a couple of times in the photography department when I was walking by,” she said, trying to strike up a conversation.

The atmosphere grew more awkward until Jun showed what he typed on his phone,

‘Yeah I can take a pic if you want. Btw I’m mute so I can’t really speak that well.’

“Oh, thank you. Also, in that case…” the girl said, signaling for him to bring up his phone.

“Here!” She said, tapping the head of her phone to his. A little vibration came in with a satisfying animation, showing that they shared their contact information.

“Jun Kagehara! What an interesting name. Technology’s amazing right? Stuff like this’ possible now. Of course, only if you have a product from the walled garden of Apple.” She said, snickering at her own joke.

Jun looked down on his phone,

‘Keiko Akita’

It was the name of the girl brightly (and slightly airheadedly) smiling in front of him.

‘J- Hey, didn’t u ask me to take a photo?’

Keiko stopped laughing to check her phone and see the message Jun sent.

“Oh yeah, you’re a photographer right? Part of the photography club.”

Jun nodded.

“Yeah, uhm just… here’s my phone. I wanted to take a photo for my first day of school. Take like a really flattering photo of me,” Keiko said, shoving her phone onto Jun.

He stood there in silence, not sure what to do. He raised her phone and started to take pictures. None of them were professional though.

Jun gave Keiko her phone back after a bit and she immediately rushed through her gallery to see the results.

“Wow, these are really great! The angle here, like you can really see how the cherry blossom petals overwhelm the scenery if you point the camera like this. But… you can do better than this can’t you?”

Jun started typing on his phone again.

‘J- What do you mean?’

“Your name’s Kagehara right? I saw your photo from the contest last year. If you can shoot something like that, surely you can do better.”

‘J- Yeah, but those are only possible when it’s natural. I’m usually kinda bad at taking photos of models n’ stuff. I like to capture more natural things. Kinda like capturing the moment instead of capturing the person.’

“Capturing the moment instead of the person, wow, how shakespearean. Ok, then how ‘bout this? I’ll stay with you until you find like the perfect moment, and you can snap that picture.”

‘J- Didn’t you say you just wanted to take a picture for the first day of school?’

“Yeah, but that’s not all. Uhm this is kinda embarrassing but I want to be a model, and I need a portfolio. So, I need like a bunch of really cool pictures of myself.”

‘J- Like I said tho, I capture the moment, not the person’

“It’s ok, don’t you need a model too? Like for photography?”

After contemplating for a bit, Jun replied,

‘J- Ok fine, but are you sure you’re ok with staying n’ hanging around with me?’

“Yeah, of course! Why would that be a problem?”

‘J- … Nevermind. Anyways, we’re gonna be late for school. Look at the time.’

“Oh crap, well cya!” Keiko said, running off to the school. Jun followed closely after.

“Hey, why’re you followi- Oh yeah, we go to the same school. Duh.”

Jun looked at her with a puzzled look on his face.

“By the way, can I call you Jun? Jun-kun? That rhymes haha.” Keiko asked, snickering to herself.

Jun nodded.

        

They both made it on time for the opening ceremony.


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18 Reviews

Points: 1688
Reviews: 18

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Wed Sep 04, 2024 5:04 pm
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Cheerio wrote a review...



Hey, ToastK!

I'm here to review your piece that I so graciously found (Lucky, lucky me :) I have 3 things I'd like to say. But before we start I must include a disclaimer.

Eh-hem.

Disclaimer:
- I am not the most professional when it comes to writing reviews.
- During my reviews, I am honest but also thoughtful of the other person's feelings (I know how hard it is to post stories in public)

Okay! Let's hop into the review!

1. I cannot begin to tell you the way I nearly hopped out of my chair when I saw the comic at the beginning. It's giving webtoon vibes and I'm all here for it. I can spend an eternity telling you about how beautiful and majestic the art was, but then it wouldn't be a review if I did. So, moving on to the next point!

2. In terms of grammar, I don't think there were any humungous mistakes. I like your style of writing, it made me feel like curling up in a ball and reading chapter after chapter after....well, you get it. I love both of your character's personalities and can't wait to see them grow closer in the future.

3. I couldn't stop myself from bringing it back to the art. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I'm about to follow you right now (Not even kidding!)

Cheers
God Bless!
Keep writing!

~Cheerio




ToastK says...


Hey Cheerio! Tysm for your review! Im flattered that you thought this was good enough to pass for actual webtoon art (which i do wanna make a real webtoon one day but yknow, laziness,,) as that was originally what i wanted to do.



Cheerio says...


I totally think you should go for it



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110 Reviews

Points: 4945
Reviews: 110

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Mon Aug 26, 2024 9:06 pm
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gruzinkerbell wrote a review...



The comic? The art? *chef's kiss* this is amazing Toast!

The Good Stuff

- Your personification of cherry blossoms is beautiful! I haven't seen personification on YWS in a while, but it's definitely welcome :D

- The mix between dialogue, action, and description is well thought out. EVerything is very balanced and satisfying to read.

- This story is just very cozy in general. It really makes me feel a warm spring day :D

- Ok, the dialogue here is super adorable and wholesome. It makes my heart swell up for some reason seeing how friendly and not toxic these characters are <33

- Aside from that, the dialogue is also very well written. Overall, it sounds very natural, like it could be an actual conversation (but not a conversation that bores me to death)

Room For Improvement

- I only saw a few minor typos throughout this, but I thought I'd point 'em out. Other than that, the writing is awesome!

“Hey, can you take a picture of me?” Said a voice from behind.


-Make sure to lowercase the word 'said'. That's really the only typo, but there are two other sentences I think could be worked on a little.

Those words, carried by the wind, reached Jun’s ears, while the wind created a draft, tossing his unkempt hair around in a dance with the petals of cherry blossoms that traveled a long way in their journeys.


- So this is a run-on sentence. I would suggest dividing things up a bit and starting a new sentence where the wind creates a draft.

“By the way, can I call you Jun? Jun-kun? That rhymes haha.”


- So I think in real life, most people would say 'haha' out loud. I would suggest deleting that and putting a dialogue tag along the lines of 'she laughed, trying to keep her hair out of her eyes', or something along the lines of that.

Hope this helps!

Overall Opinion

- This story was cute, dramatically correct, and overall really wholesome. It was an enjoyable read and I've already fallen in love with these characters.

Happy writing, and have a blessed day!

Serrurie

:elephant:




ToastK says...


Aww thank you so much for amsuch a thoughtful review! Gotta say, its very hard as writers to not give 50 trauma inducing personalities to characters lol, but im glad you enjoyed it



gruzinkerbell says...


Haha yess




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