Cover art for Box Children - Chapter 3

Box Children - Chapter 3

by ToastK

Published May 3, 2024

Language

In Box Children

*This chapter may have language that may be inappropriate for general audiences. Although at the end of the chapter, if profanity offends you, please proceed with caution.*

Without a word, he raised a pistol to my forehead. Before I could say anything back-

*Bang*

I closed my eyes, bracing for pain, but all I felt was a wet splatter on my legs along with a cry of pain that echoed throughout the alleyway.

I opened my eyes to see that the boy, who held a gun to my head, got shot in the knees. He was rolling on the ground, screaming in agony.

“Hey are you alright?” said a familiar voice from inside one of the tents.

The boy was wearing a t-shirt with a lame generic logo slapped on the front and over-worn shorts. He also had a box on his head, albeit his box was slightly damaged and torn, proving that yes, these boxes can get damaged I guess. But most of all, he had the voice and demeanor of a certain someone who still hasn’t given me back the $20 bill they burrowed last month. A familiar someone that I was friends with.

“Theo? Are you Theo? you sound like Theo… you could be Theo, uhh…” I stumbled over my words, still traumatized from the kid in front of me getting shot, and me almost getting shot.

“Huh? Nate? Are you really… I thought I’d never get to see you again.”

“Yeah, it is me… I thought I would never get to see you again as well.”

“Well, I thought I’d never see you again!”

“Well, I thought I’d never get to see you again!”

“Well, I thought-”

“Okay, that’s enough…” I said, breaking our back-and-forth that could have potentially gone for three paragraphs too long.

With our conversation broken up, I focused my attention towards the kid lying on the ground, still wailing about. He seemed to have calmed down a bit, but the blood sure hadn’t.

I had so many questions that I wanted to ask: Why did you try to kill me? Why are there a bunch of tents gathered up in this alleyway? Why is Theo here? Why is this stupid box on our heads? Before I could ask any of those questions though, medical attention came first. He is a human being after all (probably. After that fake food incident, I trust nothing), and in this world with who-knows how many people remaining, every life mattered.

“Hey Theo, uhm we should probably get to fixing him up first right? Is there a first aid kit in one of those tents?”

“No, we don’t have a first aid kit. It’s fine, just let him drink this.” He said, tossing me a bottle of water.

Confused, I just followed what he said and passed the water bottle along to Greg.

“Here.”

Immediately after he drank the water, his wound healed instantaneously like magic. Even the blood that once colored the ground in scarlet evaporated into thin air.

“What the f-”

“Hey don’t curse, you get penalized if you do,” Theo said, interrupting me.

“What do you mean?”

“I said the f-word one time and a shadowy figure appeared, jumping me from the shadows. I later learned that they appear whenever we curse to penalize us.”

“You do realize that you’re making zero sense right now… right?”

“Well, you shouldn’t try to make too much sense of this world. I tried, and it only gave me a headache. And existential dread.”

“Well… what do we do now then?”

“I heard a rumor from one of the guys here that if we become the last person standing in this place, we win. Like a battle royale kind of deal. A voice from the… sky? I don’t know from where exactly, but an omnipresent voice tells us if someone’s eliminated and how many ‘player’s are remaining.”

“Oh yeah, now that you brought it up, where are the other people in this camp?”

“They… they all died. We encountered a group of delinquents outside and they killed everyone. Only a few of us managed to run away. On that note, grab a gun from inside the tent, we need to go. Someone discovered this camp last night. It’s no longer a safe spot for us. Greg, come along with us.”

With that, the three of us escaped the alleyway, making our way towards the bridge I had come upon earlier, where Greg and I met.

We began our departure to… somewhere. Theo said that there was a place he found that was safe up north.

“Hey, Nathan?” Greg asked.

“Why does Theo call you Nate? Is that short for Nathan?”

“No, my full name’s Nathaniel but he calls me Nate. He’s the only one by the way. Everyone else calls me Nathan.”

“Then what should I call you?”

“Nathan’s fine.”

… An awkward amount of time passed before Greg said something.

“I’m sorry… that I tried to… kill you. The voice said that if someone dies within today, the ‘system’ will revive somebody and… and…”

“And his sister died to those damn delinquents,” Theo interjected.

“Yeah… it’s fine. I understand. I’m cool. Cool-cool-cool-cool, so cool, totally cool.” I said.

I wasn’t entirely cool. But, I could understand why he did what he did.

After what seemed like an eternity of trudging along through the black of night—illuminated only by stars up above the sky that were veiled by a layer of what seemed to be clouds, we arrived deep inside a forest, by a creek. The steady stream of running water was soothing to listen to. The soft living soil contrasted the abiotic concrete we walked so long on.

Sunlight started to seep through the leaves, signaling dawn. I ran outside the forest to see… A city in ruins. Devastation swept the entire area.

From the ruins, however, buds and saplings and vines and foliage alike were visible all over, covering up buildings and roads. It was a dystopian yet halcyon view, the tranquility of nature covering up the destruction that humans have created.

I sat near the edge of the forest, and both Theo and Greg were quick to join me. We stayed silent, looking at the landscape that unraveled around us.

“So, what do we do now?” I asked, breaking the silence.

Theo replied, “I dunno.

Live.

I guess.”

—Meanwhile—

A mysterious figure, covering himself in drapes could be seen near the tents.

Shit, I was a second too late. A buncha goddamn newbies were hidin’ out in this alleyway, but they took a run for it. If he finds out, I’m fuckin’ fucked. The cloaked figure thought to himself.

“Ey, you said there’s people here. Ain’t nothin’ but a buncha ripped tents and clothes. You better find ‘em before he finds out. If he does, you’re fucked. Got it?”

“I know. I know better than anyone else. From the smell, they probably stayed here ‘til earlier this night. They probably couldn’t have went far. You look east, I’ll look west.”

The two went away, diving into the shadows cast by objects blocking the sun as if they were deep pools of water. In a blink, they disappeared, traveling around through the shadows to find the fleeing children.

They had to.

He would be displeased if they don’t.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ToastK
Comment
Stickied · ToastK commented Comment · May 3, 2024

I just realized that the only female character that exists is... no one lmao (technically Nathan's mom maybe? and also Greg's sister. But they both haven't got any writing time (yet)). Also, a lot of exposition dump this chapter. It's boring, but needed for word building. It'll get better. Trust

(Just in case) Halcyon->adj. denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful.

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Ravena
Review
Ravena wrote a review Review · May 8, 2024

Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

This chapter was a fascinating introduction to the system and general rules of this "game" that Nathan has found himself trapped in! It was great to learn that he's alright after the last cliffhanger, and that he at least has Theo to help him in this grim place. And Greg got some unexpected but very touching characterization! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

Not much to put here! I don't have any recommendations as far as content goes, I thoroughly enjoyed this. No typos or grammar issues I could spy either. As far as formatting -a subjective matter mind you- I did notice some very minor things along the way that I thought I would make some recommendations for, in good faith, free to take or leave...

But most of all, he had the voice and demeanor of a certain someone who still hasn’t given me back the $20 bill they burrowed last month.


I think "borrowed" would be a bit of a better word choice than "burrowed" here. That aside, I love how this is the way he recognizes his friend, it was a nice touch of humor in the otherwise dark circumstances. You really do a great job with your character interactions ~

I don’t know from where exactly, but an omnipresent voice tells us if someone’s eliminated and how many ‘player’s are remaining.”


I was thinking, instead of single quotations, maybe italicizing "players" would fit nicely here. Likewise, in an even more subjective suggestion, maybe bold-typing and putting some double spaces before and after that "meanwhile" marking the POV swap would help it stand out more.

Now of course, this is just my opinion and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. This chapter was great and I thoroughly enjoyed it ~

Why The Grin Widened...

So first of all, I already mentioned that I think your character interactions are great, and dialogue by extension, and a big part of that had to do with capturing their tone so well. Like here:

“Theo? Are you Theo? you sound like Theo… you could be Theo, uhh…” I stumbled over my words,


The staggered words, the repetition and hesitant responses; you really nailed the shock and confusion that Nathan is no doubt feeling in this moment.

Immediately after he drank the water, his wound healed instantaneously like magic. Even the blood that once colored the ground in scarlet evaporated into thin air.


Ooou, magic water? Cool! Seems like a very valuable resource for a place like this, and it makes me wonder what else is available for the "players" as they move through the game.

“I said the f-word one time and a shadowy figure appeared, jumping me from the shadows. I later learned that they appear whenever we curse to penalize us.”


Ah, so it sounds like these shadowy figures are the enforcers of these odd rules. The fact that one of the rules is "no swearing" also threw me for a loop, as I wouldn't expect supernatural shadow people to fret about profanity...but it's an interesting note that I think is going to become great theory material for me in the following chapters, haha.

“They… they all died. We encountered a group of delinquents outside and they killed everyone. Only a few of us managed to run away. On that note, grab a gun from inside the tent, we need to go. Someone discovered this camp last night. It’s no longer a safe spot for us.


Wow, now talk about a shocking revelation! I love this introduction of a smaller, more concise antagonist that will cause trouble while these mysterious shadows oversee the chaos. For a desperate "battle royale" situation (especially among teens), it only makes sense that there would be some only out to save themselves, breeding delinquency. And if they already killed most of the camp's inhabitants, they sure sound like a threat!

On that note, I also love the motive you gave for Greg to fire at Nathan. The desire to revive his sister, especially since it sounds like the attack was recent, is definitely understandable -and so is Nathan's hesitation to trust him regardless. Again, great moment.

we arrived deep inside a forest, by a creek. The steady stream of running water was soothing to listen to. The soft living soil contrasted the abiotic concrete we walked so long on.


I like the change in atmosphere here! It feels like we're "unlocking" more of this world, and dark woods are almost creepy as ruins in my opinion.

And finally, regarding the end bit, I don't know who "He" is, but it's so chilling to know that these murderers are on the trail!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, another awesome chapter, nicely done! :D

Oh, and responding to your author's note, I think the swearing is natural! These are frustrated teen (I'm guessing) characters in a desperate situation, after all. If you are concerned though, YWS has an option to give individual chapters age ratings, and reasons why.

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ToastK replied · May 9, 2024

Thank you for always giving such amazing reviews! glad you enjoyed it :D

User avatar
Roxanne
Review
Roxanne wrote a review Review · May 6, 2024

Aloha ToastK! Rose here with a review for this interesting story :]

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I. First Things First
First and foremost, let’s talk about the awesome stuff. :D

I've read the first two chapter before I came here and I'm impressed by the plot that you've crafted. The idea of a world where kidnapped children are brought to fight for survival is quite intriguing! And the boxes that they wear makes the story even more distinct, it seems like a crucial element of the story. I get the meaning of the title now, it has a nice ring to it and it adds to the suspense of your story. :]

The world that they are in give off some sci-fi feels and dystopian feels, and it's definitely made me more interested. The room that Nathan was in first in particular, and the tents that they find along the way. I really thought that Nathan was going to get shot, but phew, that didn't happen. But who shot Greg then? I was a bit confused at that part.

I hadn't thought that Theo was already in the new kind of world, the information that he provided about it was chilling. Seems like they've got a tough journey ahead of them. But I definitely like the trio, a trio with a odd kind of humour.

I do wonder why the children are forced to wear the boxes and and why they are being kidnapped in the first place to fight. Hmm.. interesting. You've got me scouting for red herrings and plot twists now :D...

II. Tips and Tweaks
The story seems to rely a lot of the world around them, however, I find it a bit hard to create a good picture of it with the information in the story. Perhaps you could consider adding some more bits of descriptions of the setting and the things around the characters. It doesn't have to be a lot at the same time, but just gradually.

For instance, you could add some little pieces of descriptions to the beginning. It's the part where the reader realises that the protagonist isn't dead, it's a pretty important part, so some touches of description could really help to make it more lively.

Here's an example:

Without a word, he raised a pistol to my forehead, the cold metal inches away from my skin. Before I could say anything back-

*Bang*

I closed my eyes, bracing for pain, but all I felt was a wet splatter on my legs along with a cry of pain that echoed throughout the alleyway.

Hesitantly, I opened my eyes to see the boy, now twisting on the ground in agony as he screamed in pain. He gripped his knees tightly, blood oozing from the wound where a bullet had passed through.

You could do this for other parts of your story too, to give it a more lively feel. For example when they talk, you could add little things such as he said this while ruffling his hair, looking at a tree <with a specific description> and other things.

“Huh? Nate? Are you really… I thought I’d never get to see you again.”

“Yeah, it is me… I thought I would never get to see you again as well.”

“Well, I thought I’d never see you again!”

“Well, I thought I’d never get to see you again!”

“Well, I thought-”

“Okay, that’s enough…” I said, breaking our back-and-forth that could have potentially gone for three paragraphs too long.

This part here above, is just my favourite piece of dialogue. Right in the middle of an intense scene, I can't believe these guys XD. Though I'm glad Theo is here to help too.

He knew a lot about the place already, which is can be good so the reader can follow what and why things are happening. But on the other hand, I find it a bit past faced for the story itself and sort of interrupts the flow of it. How is it that he knew so much already while Nathan knew so little, assuming they were both put into the the new world at the same time. I had thought that Greg would be able to answer all those questions, provided he had been there for a week already.

“They… they all died. We encountered a group of delinquents outside and they killed everyone. Only a few of us managed to run away. On that note, grab a gun from inside the tent, we need to go. Someone discovered this camp last night. It’s no longer a safe spot for us. Greg, come along with us.”

In this part, for example, Theo explains that the people in the camp died due to the actions of some delinquents. And he says "we" and "us", so how did he knew all those people already? Perhaps a bit more info on this in the story could do the trick.

And also, a suggestion for the group of delinquents, perhaps you could provide a more specific reason as to why they do what they do. And maybe, since it's a whole different world, there could be some other name for them. A sort of fantasy-realistic one, but one that doesn't exist yet, for example something like "the exile group" or just the "rogues". It's an element of the story that seemed inevitable to come, but still fascinating, so a specific name for them could create a whole ton of suspense.
However, do not feel obligated to do so, since it's just a suggestion. :]

Moving on the last part of the story, it gave a quick glimpse of the dark figure and its thoughts. The way that it was described in the previous chapters, it seemed really mysterious, but I hadn't expected for its thoughts to be so distressed in such a situation. But there's a ruler above it, so that makes sense.

However, from what I was able to understand of the dialogues and the mention of "the two went away", he seemed to have a companion. But I didn't read anything about the other one, what he looked like and such, I didn't even realise there were two of them. So maybe you could consider adding a quick line that there was another one present. Perhaps you could even add some more description of their appearance, since they were the mystery at the beginning.

But of course, do keep in mind; these are merely suggestions and considering them is entirely up to you. :)

III. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, you've crafted something amazing. The characters are relatable and fun and you seem to have a great plot in mind. I'm excited to see where this goes! Good luck with your writing projects!

Also, a quick P.S., the disclaimer at the beginning of the story is great idea, and as it is a literary work, it's good you incorporated it. But to make things a bit simple for YWS'ers around the site, there's a button to the right under the title "Author Tools" called "Edit options" and you can place a content rating. :]

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With writer’s love,
Rose

ToastK replied · May 7, 2024

First of all, thank you so much for such a detailed review!
Since this is the first story I%u2019m actually writing (apart from the like 50 unfinished stories and plots laying around in google docs lol), I wanted to make it not too long. I definitely took this chapter as an exposition dump and originally planned for it to be Theo explaining everything about this world(He%u2019s been here for alot longer than anyone else) but I changed it last minute, deciding that the world would best remain mysterious, as the readers should be the ones experiencing and discovering things about this world. However, I think switching the chapter entirely definitely made some things too vague and left unexplained. I%u2019ll definitely keep that in mind for future chapters.
Also, thank you so much for reading my story, as well as being the first one to welcome me to YWS, I%u2019ll definitely keep your thoughtful, encouraging review in mind and spread %u201Cwriter%u2019s love%u201D as much as I can!

Roxanne replied · May 7, 2024

You're welcome! I'm glad the review was helpful! :)
As a reader, I thought it was great to be the one exploring the world through Nathan's eyes, because he doesn't know much about it either. It really adds to the mysterious atmosphere.. But drafts are meant to exist, and you already have a pretty good plot! :]

It was a pleasure to read the story and it's great to see you enjoying it on the site! Have a wonderful day/night, and keep on writing!



There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare