Canonical lore: Theo likes pineapple on pizza
Box Children - 1
Lately, I’ve been having nightmares. In these nightmares there’s always this bleak shadowy figure standing behind me. Doing nothing. Just standing behind me, as if it’s waiting for something to happen.
Every time I have that dream, it appears again. Somewhere. Appearing to be standing slightly closer to me than in the previous dream. Every dream, slightly closer. Even when I stare at it, it would just blankly stare towards my general direction, making me unsure whether it was staring at my eyes, my head, or my soul.
Today, it was standing within an arm’s length from me. I was afraid that it would finally do something, but it just stood there. Staring at me like usual… which isn’t usual, I don’t think people have the same dream this many times…
Even though I’ve encountered it multiple times in my sleep, I haven’t seen it anywhere outside my dreams before. I told my friend Theo about it, but he dismissed me as delusional.
I don’t blame him.
I too would probably be skeptical if one of my friends came up to me, and told me that a random man in the shadows is out to get them, but they haven’t seen it at all outside of a couple of dreams here and there.
I woke up with drips of cold sweat running down my throat, with my heart pounding louder with each consecutive beat, with my breath catching up while I try to inhale air through my lungs and not my mouth. With my head trying to compose itself and calm down.
I had another dream.
This time, inside the dream, the shadow was nowhere to be seen. I thought it was finally gone. I thought it was finally over.
The dream itself started off as a nice and somewhat comforting dream which seemed to be a reminiscence of last year’s summer vacation. It was the year that Theo moved into our neighborhood, and also the year we became friends.
He lived right next to my house, so I went over almost every day. Even though it was a pleasant dream of the past, it was suddenly interrupted by someone pulling my hair.
Jolting from the surprise, I tried to get away but whatever was grabbing onto me had too strong of a grip for me to do anything.
I turned back to see… that figure. Even more bleak and blank, absent of any physical form more so than before.
Before I could react tho, I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat.
I couldn’t get any more sleep after that. Every time I tried to go back to sleep, it kept feeling like someone was watching me from the shadows. Of course, when I opened my eyes, there was nothing more than a pile of dirty laundry where I felt the stare.
I struggled to fall asleep despite feeling exhausted. Before I knew it, the sun was up and I had just spent the night without a wink of sleep. It wasn’t that rare of an occurrence, since I used to have insomnia, but it’d been more than a month since I couldn’t last fall asleep. Before I could lay my head down to try and fall into slumber again,
my alarm rang, telling me that it was 6:30 and that it was time to wake up and get ready for school.
Today is Friday: the only good day of the week because we have art class and they serve something other than expired sludge during lunch(It was called Funky Friday, which was cringe but anything for decent school food I guess). I was more eccentric than normal and Theo seemed to have noticed.
“Hey, you seem energetic, anything happening today?”
“Nope, I’m tired as hell didn’t get a wink of sleep again, just excited that it’s finally Friday.”
My happiness didn’t last that long.
During third period, the fire alarm rang. It’s probably just a fire drill, I thought to myself. It wasn’t.
The left hallway of our school building was engulfed in smoke. Luckily everyone managed to escape unharmed. We were dismissed and got to go home early today. I was happy but also semi upset because none of the things I actually enjoyed about Friday in jai- I mean school, happened.
I overheard from one of my classmates that a senior accidentally set the science lab on fire while doing an experiment about magnesium.
Since we had a bunch of unexpected free time, Theo suggested that we should go to the local park. I suggested we should go to his house instead. He didn’t want me to come because he had relatives over.
We compensated and went to my house.
When we arrived, no one was home. My mom had a dentist appointment this evening and dad was on a business trip until the weekend. We went inside the silent house and booted up the TV. I set up my Playstation while Theo browsed my game collection… of a whopping whole three games.
We decided to just head upstairs and play cards and also use the old gameboy Dad used to have to pass the time. At least, until my mom came home.
Eventually, we ended up playing until midnight.
My mom was still not home.
I didn’t know when Mom would come back, but we already had dinner figured out thanks to the Korean ramen stash my dad hides from Mom, and it was already well past both me and Theo’s bedtime. Theo called his house to ask for permission so that he could sleep over.
No one answered.
He called again.
No one answered.
“Hey, maybe you dialed the wrong number.” I said.
“Bro, you think I won’t have my house number saved?”
He tried again.
No one answered.
“Welp, that means they’re either already asleep or somehow found a closet door to Narnia and are trapped there.”
Theo has such a weird sense of humor.
Anyways, we decided to have a sleepover with both our parents having zero clues about our whereabouts or what we were up to. Even if something were to happen, his house was literally less than a yard away. And my mom could literally just come home any minute.
It was gonna be fine.
After struggling to grab the spare blanket and mattress from the attic storage, we got ready for bed. Theo closed the lights before I could fully walk towards my bed, forcing me to navigate through the dark with eyes more blind than a bat. I waved my hand around, trying to feel the environment, when suddenly, I touched what seemed to be my bed frame. It was a bit soft tho. I tried to look at it but couldn’t focus my eyes. As I stepped closer and closer to what I thought was my bed, an ominous feeling started to brew.
I looked up at the thing I had just touched.
It was the figure.
Before I could say anything, before I could spit out a single sound, it grabbed me by my throat, suffocating me. I struggled to breathe. I struggled to escape. I struggled to say anything out loud. I struggled…
Until… my conscience..
was….
getting…..
faint.
(Author’s Note: Tysm for reading this short story! I’m a itty bit busy ‘cause it’s exam season where i am but i’ll try to upload the next chapter asap. also, i’m new here but YWS has sofa been like the best community on earth so… keep it up, and let’s all help eachother bcome better writers! :)
You can also see my other works in portfolio and lazily drawn artworks of my characters on my wall)
Canonical lore: Theo likes pineapple on pizza
This story is really intense! It starts with the main character having these creepy nightmares about a shadowy figure, and then things get even scarier when the figure starts showing up in real life. It's like a horror movie come to life!
I like how the story builds suspense by describing the main character's fear and confusion. You can really feel their anxiety as they try to figure out what's happening and why they keep seeing this figure. And then when they're hanging out with their friend Theo, you think maybe things will be okay, but then the fire alarm goes off and it's chaos.
The part where they can't get a hold of Theo's parents and end up having a sleepover is kind of funny and kind of scary at the same time. It's like they're trying to make the best of a bad situation, but you can't help but feel like something bad is going to happen.
And then the ending is so intense! Just when you think things might be calming down, the shadowy figure shows up again and attacks the main character. It leaves you on the edge of your seat, wondering what's going to happen next.
Overall, this story is really gripping and keeps you hooked from start to finish. I can't wait to find out what happens next!
GOOD JOB
Hello Stranger! ~ Writing Commentary
Hello there! I am happy that you liked my previous comment! I would like to give a formal review of your story with my own review method.
Overall, I thought this was a nice, homely introduction to your world! It is both ominous and comforting all at the same time. You also draw the contrast between dialogue and description nicely! Here are some parts that stood out to me!
I woke up with drips of cold sweat running down my throat, with my heart pounding louder with each consecutive beat, with my breath catching up while I try to inhale air through my lungs and not my mouth. With my head trying to compose itself and calm down.
When we arrived, no one was home. My mom had a dentist appointment this evening and dad was on a business trip until the weekend. We went inside the silent house and booted up the TV. I set up my Playstation while Theo browsed my game collection… of a whopping whole three games.
Before I could react tho, I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat.
Just popping in to say I LOVE THIS COVER ART!!!
I plan on keeping this in my log so I can come back and read it soon, it looks really cool!
This is my first review as well as first story that I've read on this site. I'm new here, lol. So, I apologize if my review is a bit dry or a bit unhelpful.
First impressions
I enjoyed reading this first chapter. Honestly the idea of being stalked by a figure, whether hallucinatory, in a dream state, or in real life. Reading this made me think about if the Figure is a manifestation of the Main Characters fears or traumas, maybe it represents that slow insidious feeling that fear continues to give us even when we are no longer in said vicinity of said fear.
Step Two: Constructive Criticism
Every time I have that dream, it appears again.
I too would probably be skeptical if one of my friends came up to me, and told me that a random man in the shadows is out to get them, but they haven’t seen it at all outside of a couple of dreams here and there.
I woke up with drips of cold sweat running down my throat, with my heart pounding louder with each consecutive beat, with my breath catching up while I try to inhale air through my lungs and not my mouth. With my head trying to compose itself and calm down.
I had another dream.
The dream itself started off as a nice and somewhat comforting dream which seemed to be a reminiscence of last year’s summer vacation. It was the year that Theo moved into our neighborhood, and also the year we became friends.
He lived right next to my house, so I went over almost every day.
“Hey, you seem energetic, anything happening today?”
“Nope, I’m tired as hell didn’t get a wink of sleep again, just excited that it’s finally Friday.”
“Hey, maybe you dialed the wrong number.” I said.
“Bro, you think I won’t have my house number saved?”
No one answered.
He called again.
No one answered.
“Hey, maybe you dialed the wrong number.” I said.
“Bro, you think I won’t have my house number saved?”
He tried again.
No one answered.
So, for example. I'm going to do the school.
gym, hot and sweaty, basketball, the swish of the net, group of kids, cafeteria, flicking peas from spoon, Loud murmuring, random scream followed by laughter, teachers talking off to the side, security guard checking phone, school assembly, group of kids trying to do homework or finish school project, cold pizza, empty bag of chips, card game, reading a book.
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you, fellow horror writer! I am Raven, and I’d like to review this story opening using my Familiar method today! Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…
What The Black Eyes See...
This was an incredible first chapter! The eerie description of the narrator's dreams, contrasting with a casual day at school and a fun meetup with a friend, before plunging right back into such a suspenseful ending; it all gave a great first impression, and it was very well executed! Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
I don't have much to put in this section (I know it seems like a lot at first glance, but I just like to be detailed lol)! I do have a couple of recommendations I could make in good spirit, free to take or leave of course.
First, just generally speaking, you handled aspects like dialogue and internal monologuing very well. You also did great with the overall mood and building a tense atmosphere when referencing things like the dreams. The only thing I noticed that could have maybe used a little more love was the descriptions. When it comes to actions, body language, and telling us about the characters and their typical days, that was all done great, but the background and setting are a little vague. And I think even just a few keywords could help. As a random example, "the school was an old brick building, three stories high, that could've passed as a prison" or "the town we lived in was a Midwest suburb, with lots of farm-style buildings and hardy flora" or "my house was clean and decorated with a more contemporary style than normal for this area." Just a baseline like that, to give us a nice visual.
Now, for more specifics along the lines of grammar and such, I wanted to point to here:
Today is Friday: the only good day of the week because we have art class and they serve something other than expired sludge during lunch(It was called Funky Friday, which was cringe but anything for decent school food I guess).
when suddenly, I touched what seemed to be my bed frame. It was a bit soft tho.
Every time I have that dream, it appears again. Somewhere. Appearing to be standing slightly closer to me than in the previous dream. Every dream, slightly closer.
Even though I’ve encountered it multiple times in my sleep, I haven’t seen it anywhere outside my dreams before. I told my friend Theo about it, but he dismissed me as delusional.
I don’t blame him.
I woke up with drips of cold sweat running down my throat, with my heart pounding louder with each consecutive beat, with my breath catching up while I try to inhale air through my lungs and not my mouth. With my head trying to compose itself and calm down.
Before I could say anything, before I could spit out a single sound, it grabbed me by my throat, suffocating me. I struggled to breathe. I struggled to escape. I struggled to say anything out loud. I struggled…
Hey Toast! Just wanted to stop by and give my opinion while I was reading.
First of all, I absolutely love the concept that you have based this nightmare off of, a shadow just staring into your soul. It's really exhilarating not knowing what comes next in the story. It leaves questions I want to be answered like... Why are the shadows there in the first place? What are they going to do in the dreams, and will it affect the main character on the outside of the dreamworld?
Just quickly,
This is kind of a personal revision that I would make, so don't this next part if you are comfortable with what you have written. I feel like you use the word 'dream' too much consecutively. Although it gets your point out, maybe try finding some synonyms or things to replace it with so you don't use it twice in one sentence. It also adds a bit of variety to your writing.I had another dream.
This time, inside the dream, the shadow was nowhere to be seen. I thought it was finally gone. I thought it was finally over.
The dream itself started off as a nice and somewhat comforting dream which seemed to be a reminiscence of last year’s summer vacation. It was the year that Theo moved into our neighborhood, and also the year we became friends.
Again, same thing here. Using the work 'I woke up'. (unless of course you are using the same word for emphasis) Also, in this sentence it should be 'though'.Before I could react tho, I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat.
Hi!
First of all, I would like to comment on how creative this piece is! It really draws me into the story with great descriptors and grammar.
But now for the review. The first thing I would like to mention is that this:
“Before I could react tho, I woke up. I woke up in a cold sweat.”
Is a great sentence, however, instead of abbreviating tho, change it to though. It is okay to use an abbreviation in an informal writing to a friend family member or casual chat, but in a story or formal piece, it will be important to use unabbreviated vocabulary to immerse the reader. Another thing that I would like to mention is that in this:
“ Until… my conscience..
was….
getting…..
faint.”
Should be like this:
Until…
my conscience…
Was…
Getting…
Faint.
After the getting, you have five periods, after the was you have four and after the my conscience you have only two.
One other note: the dialogue is great. The way that you use the wording to indicate the way that the character speaks and what their education level is is quite good.
Overall, I believe that his piece is going to do great! The best part in my opinion is the great descriptors and the way that the piece delves you into the story. I love it and can’t wait to read more!
Keep writing,
—AraWolf
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