Published November 13, 2012
In Stories
I've submitted this to a publication. I want to thank you guys for your reviews; they were incredibly useful to me and very, very appreciated. Thank you so much. :)
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey!
The concept is pretty good. The story seemed quite sensual and well-written. The length was about just right and I happen to like the structure and the repetitions of "He".
I felt, however that when the omniscient narrator starts saying,
it's gets a bit 'intruding' and kind of disrupts the dry consciousness of North.
Bottom line: A very creative and realistic piece with Sci-fi qualities that don't nose in between the actual vibe. reminds me of Ishiguro's 'Never Let Me Go'
Thank you so much for your review
For that part that you mentioned, I can see what you mean. I'll think about that one and try to improve it
Thanks again!
The first reviewer was spot-on when saying that syntax was a bit of an issue, but sentence structure was really the only thing wrong with this piece. It really is very well-written, and your descriptions are b e a u t i f u l despite their simplicity. I feel as though this could be a full-length novel, if you slowed it down and continued on; already the characters feel likable and organic, and the concept is really relevant to the communication issues of our generation.
This was a great piece, and I hope to see more of your writing soon!
Thank you so much!! And I'm working on the syntax now in my documents
Thank you!!
Hello~
Try varying the words in which you start your sentences - change up your syntax, in other words. Twenty of your sentences begin with the pronoun "he" alone, not accounting for all the other pronouns you start off with. It would grab the attention of the reader more if you switched it up with some gerunds, adjectives, etc.
You definitely have a gift with creative, original character names. Rivka. How beautiful. The simile "like the ocean splashing against a rock" you use is perfect, especially in a place where voiced words are practically extinct.
My favorite part is at the end when the falling device "shatters on the ground with the loudest sound either has ever heard." Wonderful symbolism displayed here!
Keep writing, I can't wait to read more!
~Indie.
Thank you sooo much! I really appreciated your suggestion, and I'll work on that
Thank you so much for your review!!