The Odd One Out.

hey ToBeMe.

you did a great job (great name btw:)
i can realte to the feeling of being sad and alone which is greatly convated here, and also not quite sure what it do about it. it hurts Dx
i love the second person point of view as well. and i thought putting "alone" aone one aline as creative.
wesome job. keep writing!

Hi, ToBeMe

I love how different this story is and the vulnerability of it was written really well. =) The poetic rhythm makes it so quirky and unique, format wise, than what you’re used to seeing in a story.

You captured the emotions of insecurity, shyness, and loneliness very realistically. I was drawn in by your style of writing and everything, really. And I also commend you in writing 2ndPOV so beautifully!

And a few things I wanted to let you know of…. =)

-“Emotions bubble under your skin, flowing like liquid poison and feeling about the same, clawing to break free.”

These emotions seem agressive, like, anger and frustration. The word “bubble” seems rather tame to signify such heated emotions. Perhaps, “surge” or “boil”?

Also, poison is already a liquid form, isn’t it? I guess it could come in any substance but I’ve always known it to be in a liquid form. That is, unless you like the word “liquid” there because of the rhythm it gives the sentence, but using unnecessary words can distract the reader from the story. Maybe not in this case because it didn’t distract me, I only noticed it and wanted to let you know.

And when you say, “feeling about the same” what DOES poison under the skin feel like? =)

-“You watch as people walk by with sad eyes, feeling as lost as anybody ever could.”

The word “with” confused me to think the people walking by were the ones with sad eyes. Maybe, “you watch as people walk by through sad eyes,”?

-“Their voices catch and blow away in the wind, (( <-- I LOVE this description! I got the whole visual and ‘heard’ it very clearly. )) making them laugh even harder.”

-“Your barely there now, invisibility has taken you over, making you sink, making you blow away in the breeze until there is nothing left of you anymore.”

The word “Your” at the start of the sentence is spelled “You’re”.

The line, “Your barely there now,” seems disjointed from the rest of the sentence. Perhaps, consider ending it with a period since it’s pretty much its own complete thought.

The line, “making you sink”, weakens the impact of the sentence for me. Maybe consider excluding it, because without it, the line “invisibility has taken you over, making you blow away in the breeze until there is nothing left of you anymore”, triggers the images of your descriptions so seamlessly already.

-“Nobody notices you, not you, just the girl standing alone in the corner.”

The line, “not you,” sounds and looks a bit awkward, exspically since you already stated “nobody sees you,”. A suggestion to consider, “Nobody notices you, not the real you,”

Also, in the line, “just the girl standing alone in the corner.” who is the girl? At first, I assumed it was referring to another person but I think it is the main character of the story? If so, perhaps, consider using “a girl”.

-“The groups stop and talk, their tone is happy.”

Just a thought here…. Instead of simply saying that their tone is happy, consider describing the expressions of the people in the group, or something to convey their happiness.

I hope I could help with the suggestions I gave, however, it’s purely up to you to make any changes. =)

Great Writing,

Mahalo!

Wow! You have a real talent for writing! Though I believe this is more of a metaphoric poem then a short story. Anyway, I love the metaphor. It shows how the girl feels in reality, as in the poem shows her fading away, literally. Then at the end it's reality once more, showing how real this really is. i hope this wasn't a reflection of you, for your talent of writing is incredible! It brought back memories of when I felt like that, and I really connected with your piece.

Keep writing! you'll go far.

~Amberstar~

Your description in this piece was amazing. The way you depicted the emotion of loneliness was so great that I felt as if I was the character feeling those feelings. You did a really good job!
Keep writing,
~Sharie

This was quite the dramatic piece and I'm not sure if it fits in with a short story section but I'm not even sure where else it would fit. It was very unique and there was much passion behind these words.

I can't peg you on grammar or punctuation that much because this piece is almost written like a poem, so most of the little errors I saw, I assume, were meant to be there on purpose for dramatic license. How you presented this piece was different, for you used many short incomplete sentences to emphasize your points and it makes the piece kind of unsettling. I think that is what you are going for.

One suggestion I will make though is that yes, this piece is powerful and different, but it lacks the impacting wow factor that could be there if you tie in a couple things. I believe if you were to focus on imagery and metaphors and create a common tie throughout the piece you might invoke more passion and sympathy from the reader. Try to write things in a more abstract way and more like prose. By doing so, it will give it an almost airy, wistful, sad albeit mood.

Like an example of this was my favorite line in the whole piece:

Emotions bubble under your skin, flowing like liquid poison and feeling about the same, clawing to break free.